Hopefully it goes in, I worry about about things to, it's just all part of your illness
Manic !"!
What started out as just cooking a roast and a trifle for friends tonight has turned into THREE courses and I've even chucked in a 'palette cleanser' (wtf?!) because I keep thinking of ideas!!! I have just spoken to my mum on the phone and I knew as I was talking I was sounding a bit hyper, so I've promised her I will have a lazy day tommorow... hope I dont crash before then! :-\
http://www.vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk/showthread.php?63628-Changing-The-V6-Rocker-Gaskets
take a look at that and see if your capable
Pete, I cant help you with your car trouble but please do start taking your pills
angry as a member of my extended family is sick and really suffering, we all know that its going to end in death and I don't know how to deal with that as we have always been close and losing her will kill me. :'(
I know its selfish to think like this but I just cannot lose her.
smirfy
I'm hoping that my experiences of depression will help people that feel that they cant cope with life and dont feel its worth living, I know its beatable with help from doctors and sometimes counsellors etc and if I can convey that message to only a few people it will make me happy that I can help in some small way.
thinking about just ending it all,I feel like my life is pretty pointless and im not gaining anything from living.
Hi
Had a good morning working at the Hospice from Home charity shop, only do Thurs morns. This afternoon a downward slide, my husband was in a foul mood, and we ended up having a row. I can't cope with rows - my head goes sort of numb? so I usually slink off to another room. Anyway he came and said what he thought of me coming on this forum, he just does NOT understand how I need to talk, especially with people who know how I feel. I could not talk to him, he is out now, anyway I can't send any personal e-mails as he reads them. AGH it is SO irritating !
Hope you are feeling better Zaf - take it easy.XX
Cornish you made me laugh re loss of memory. I must remember to tell the doc tomorrow that I am always forgetting things, ever in mid sentance !
Hears to better days to come! HUGS XX
Thanks for people who care
Hi
Had a good morning working at the Hospice from Home charity shop, only do Thurs morns. This afternoon a downward slide, my husband was in a foul mood, and we ended up having a row. I can't cope with rows - my head goes sort of numb? so I usually slink off to another room. Anyway he came and said what he thought of me coming on this forum, he just does NOT understand how I need to talk, especially with people who know how I feel. I could not talk to him, he is out now, anyway I can't send any personal e-mails as he reads them. AGH it is SO irritating !
Hope you are feeling better Zaf - take it easy.XX
Cornish you made me laugh re loss of memory. I must remember to tell the doc tomorrow that I am always forgetting things, ever in mid sentance !
Hears to better days to come! HUGS XX
Thanks for people who care
Its good you have been referred, hopefully the psychiatrist can get you on the way to recovery, it probably seems a long ime to wait but its not far away now, didnt you say you had a service support appointent too?
Thanks Zaf and Munchroom, I know what you mean. It is good to see your point of view. I am sure its 'cause he's so busy, Ihaven't said anything to him about it, well I haven't spoken to him for weeks. If I phone it is the answerphone and he doesn't answer, I e-mailed and texted him today but no answer, I was wondering what they were doing for his Birthday. I did text his wife too, and both of them have read it.
You are both doing very well gardening, lovely to grow your own veg.
Thanks for listening XX
cornish, can you read up on some of the things you'd like to do on your land rover or browse for parts/ideas/instructions on line?
Hi Cornish. You must keep going till Tues -please. Can you do something on your landrover to take your mind off things. Or try and relax and give your brain and body a rest. I know easier said than done. Do you like doing crosswords or puzzles, that takes my mind off things sometimes. Sorry what is si?
Thinking of you-try and keep strong, things will get better. XX
when were you last living in saltash ?
Anxious today.
I haven't seen my friends for a couple of days (that's all!), and now the angst is warming up....
I must learn to get by on my own.
oh and dental floss makes good diy stitches :P
oh and dental floss makes good diy stitches :P
I assume you dont mean with a needle :-s
How awful Zaf, no wonder you feel like that. Glad youv' been having good days though ! -great
D XX
Hi Zaf - I have my appointment with the mental Health Team on Monday and then the doctors on Tuesday. My doctor is reluctant to change my meds as the venlafaxine are the first lot that actually seem to have some sort of postive effect - after trying about 5 or 6 others :-[ he also said he can't increase the dose because I am on the highest that he can prescribe - apparently the people in the mental health team can prescribe higher doses which he can then monitor. So.... I get the impression that something like that may well happen...
Hi Zaf - I have my appointment with the mental Health Team on Monday and then the doctors on Tuesday. My doctor is reluctant to change my meds as the venlafaxine are the first lot that actually seem to have some sort of postive effect - after trying about 5 or 6 others :-[ he also said he can't increase the dose because I am on the highest that he can prescribe - apparently the people in the mental health team can prescribe higher doses which he can then monitor. So.... I get the impression that something like that may well happen...
Someone (not medical) has suggested I might be suffering from PTSD, don't know how I feel about that. Guess I'm a bit embarrassed as I don't feel I've had a traumatic event as such and my symptoms don't quite match up. Guess I almost don't feel worthy of having it, that make sense.
The loss ofmy best friend and 4 guys I knew in a helicopter crash at start of gulf war in 2003. Not long after I left the service.
have you done any research into p.t.s.d. ??
Well for the argument is that it was a traumatic event that led to a really rough time in my life that I've never really got over. Against is that I don't get nightmares or suffer major mood swings so surely that makes it depression.
Zaf if you're watching, today's nearly over! You have got through it, you will hopefully be able to sleep tonight, and tomorrow is a new day. maybe you will feel better than today? who knows. Did you do too much yesterday while you felt better? Can be a trigger for a few dodgy days if you 'siezed the moment' and did too much can't it? Thinking of youl.
Thats a huge stop forward cornish, you probably havent noticed but since I joined in here you've made a lot of progress despite the occasional setback.
Today I am feeling full of mixed feelings as well as terribly tired. Because I know I need to cut down on a lot of my committments sadly I have one of my horses for sale, today people came to see her and I think they are going to buy her if she passes the vet. I know its best for her and for me but I'm going to miss her dreadfully if she goes, she looked a picture when she was ridden and didnt put a foot wrong when they drove her, its going to be horrible to say goodbye to her :'(
the only thing I can say (which probably isnt much help unfortunately) is that every time I get depression I start to question everything about my life, including relationships; I somehow feel that the depression is a consequence of how I cope with things in life and the questioning I think is a way of trying to prevent the depression coming back by altering my current situation at that time. (not sure if Ive explained that properly)
Thanks guys, it was a dreadful shock as she seemed to be doing quite well recently. Her death has made a lot of people feeling terribly guilty they coulnt do more to help, I did very seriously consider whether I should post in here to say what had happened in case it turned out to be a trigger for someone but if reporting this tragedy makes just one depressed person reconsider taking that final step I think it was probably right to do so.
Please forgive me if I'm not 'myself' for a bit, I really feel so dreadfully upset :(
I feel scared of what the future will bring and what's going to happen to my life.
I understand you can see progress in some areas and feel you are going down hill in others. That is very frustrating and daunting for you. Did you know that working time regulations prevent your employer from permitting you to work hours this long. I'm worried that if you are asked to taper your hours you will be faced with a frightening prospect. Perhaps think about starting your LandRover project so that you would have something to fall back on just in case?
I couldn't possibly put on them to that degree and it would make coming home almost impossible. I feel like I have to keep going, because if I even so much as entertain stopping for any length of time I will explode. Something will take over my body and mind and I know I'll never come back.
don't really know what that means. But I know what it means.
Am I allowed to post onhere or is it not for partners just for sufferers? Is that the right term? Victims of depression? Crikey I have no idea what the correct term is...anyway. Today I feel worse but number if that makes sense?
Also in an ironic humerous aside...I never knew that whilst under so much stress that I would start to snack so much...i am a bit disappointed in that. I have never stress eaten before mainly beacuse I am not a sressed out person...pity really coz maybe I could have gotten a bit oweight loss out of my pain! LOL
Hoep the humour doesn't offend but at the moment that's how I am dealing with it all.
I love how supportive this place is ;D The weekly local paper comes out every Friday and I always look at the jobs. It's been about 3 months since I've actually contacted people about their adverts though. Tonight there's a nice sounding local job that might not be too stressful so I was considering phoning (a huge phobia of mine, my phone's been on call divert for months) and my partner's just looked at me and said "please phone up about the job tomorrow, it might be just what you need" so I guess that's what my big goal for tomorrow is. Today I am feeling nervous as hell.
...
Just checking it's location, the shop's way to far away. Today I am feeling disappointed. Partner's playing xbox and I'm about ready to throttle him, I think this is about the fifth time he's asked me to apply for a job so I prepare myself but then find out the job's a million miles away. He doesn't know about the preparation I have to do and the tiny glimmer of hope that this'll be the job to sort out my problems. Meh!
hopefully your right but i dont feel like the person you described.
everyone keeps saying im strong but i dont believe them, i just think they say it to make me feel better, i weak i give into the bad side and do thinks that i know are damaging to my health and worse.
really really anxious, i know its going to be really hard but im stubborn and im not leaving the house till monday morning
Oooh I could get to Bristol, my Mum doesn't live too far from there and I have to pick up stuff from her house on Monday. I'm currently in Dorset, the land of cows and not many jobs.
Oooh I could get to Bristol, my Mum doesn't live too far from there and I have to pick up stuff from her house on Monday. I'm currently in Dorset, the land of cows and not many jobs.
I'm probably not too far from you in all honesty.... I live on the Dorset border in a little village about 1/2 an hour from Yeovil (Urgh!)
Dorset IS beautiful :) I'm Cornish, but I have to admit, the Dorset coastline takes a lot of beating!! :P
traitor :P
traitor :P
Have I mentioned I'm marrying a Devonshire boy?? :P
I feel really bad tonight and I don't know why. Well I do, I miss having my own place. First time I've lived with parents in 15 years and it's killing me. Not cos of them, they're being great, just cos I'm so used to my own space.
Well done on getting through the day Cornish.
I managed to go out again today, which turned out to be over 5 hours as we had to go to various places. It's hard for me sometimes to be out purely because people look at me. It's my fault, I have very brightly coloured hair. In a way though it helps, I used to think people looked at me funny anyway so at least now I can justify it! It's hard when random people come up to me though to talk about it. I spent money while out, too much money. But we went round a shop that had horse things and I really miss having a horse and getting to buy stuff for it, so when we got to Tesco I bought some things to cheer myself up. No more shopping for 2 weeks now, I must be good. Also realised trying on some shorts that I've really put on weight, so that has to be sorted. So I feel guilty for a few reasons.
Looking at a local horse site I saw an advert for somebody who wants a sharer for their horse starting in January, battling with myself about emailing them. I've no guarantee I'll have the money in January but it'd help me have a goal to keep going if I had the prospect of a horse share.
The first thing I did when I came home was going on this site, it's good to feel like a human who can interact with others!
He's a 15.3, 9year old, a cob and apparently bombproof as the lady wanted a horse her son could ride. My loan horse was cob mare who I swear stood on your foot on purpose. She had so many issues but I loved her so much. It would be nice to be able to sit in a field with a horse again. Plus I had a weird love for poo picking.
She'll understand, it's worth a try to get hold of her. I hope you manage it. Sorry you're having a bad night :(
Why not turn the TV on and see if watching something will get you off to sleep? It works for me, I 'm watching an old eposode of Taggart and beginning to feel sleepy at last
He's a 15.3, 9year old, a cob and apparently bombproof as the lady wanted a horse her son could ride. My loan horse was cob mare who I swear stood on your foot on purpose. She had so many issues but I loved her so much. It would be nice to be able to sit in a field with a horse again. Plus I had a weird love for poo picking.
She'll understand, it's worth a try to get hold of her. I hope you manage it. Sorry you're having a bad night :(
Cobs do seem to know where your feet are so they can stand on you, hope it works out for you but if not dont give up.
Hmmmm, you could do my poo picking any day, its definitely not my favourite job!
Not too good today >:(
Ive had a bit of a sore throat/tickly cough for about a week and its really starting to get me down... also I've gradually stopped my Venlafaxine over the last few weeks (on my doctors advice) and I am now a couple of days into taking none and just an increased dose of Trazadone at night... I keep getting like a fizzy feeling, could be anywhere - although it my brain is the scariest because it sort of goes cold momentarily :-\ But when I mentioned it to my doctor he said its all down to the withdrawal....
i know exactly what your going through there, i came off venlafaxine just under 3 weeks ago.... the first week is awful but just stick to it, every day it gets better and better, the "fizzing" feeling goes eventually and its replaced by a feeling of being sick for a few days, but after that its a walk in the park :)
i know exactly what your going through there, i came off venlafaxine just under 3 weeks ago.... the first week is awful but just stick to it, every day it gets better and better, the "fizzing" feeling goes eventually and its replaced by a feeling of being sick for a few days, but after that its a walk in the park :)
Thankyou - you know what I mean by the fizzy feeling then? I don't just sound like some wierdo?? :P (thats the look I get when I have tried to explain it to some people...) Can't say i'm looking forward to the feeling sick bit... but I guess once its out of my system, things might (hopefully!!) start to look up - and it will clear the way for a whole new bunch of side-effects from another AD.....
Feeling really guilty and a bit upset. Someone I know online just asked me to tell them my method for suicide. I said no and now feel bad because I wasn't prepared to help. I don't want to be responsible for someone else doing it. Especially as I know that this method is fairly lethal if followed to the letter. I feel in a really tricky position because I know what it's like to want to end your life and be so desperate as to see no other way out. I'm sat here feeling terrible about the whole thing. It's really put me on edge.
Munchroom get a hold of yourself. You know that you are not just whinging and you know very well that you can not just 'pull yourself together' you daft nit. If you could would you mind sharing your technique for everyone else??!!! ::) Your depression may well have been caused by too much going on, but equally nothing may have caused it and the depression gave the impression that there was too much going on. What yer going on about?!?!?! ::)
You are not 'just SAD'! You have not consciously programmed yourself, you are not opting for the easy life and you are not self absorbed!!! You have every right to be in here and you help others tremendously. I can think of one chuppa chup sucking dude that's gonna give you such a pasting!
You are, as you well know, suffering from a chemical imbalance in your brain and it is altering your perception of the world around you affecting your mind, body and soul. Without the correct treatment it controls you, you can not control it. You can think yourself neither in nor out of it. You are currently having your medication adjusted and you are experiencing symptoms of withdrawl. This is currently very difficult and confusing for you and may temporarily alter your judgement and cause you to question things you have learned to cope with. Explore these but take them with a pinch of salt if they are negative.
Munchroom you are so valuable here. You have your problems just as everyone else does and you give back 3 times what you get. There is no need to be paranoid. :)
Thankyou Lol - today has been horrendous... such a rollercoaster and to top it off, I have just heard a duck! (there are no ducks anywhere near and I swear, it couldn't have been more than 10ft away from me!) Could it be that I'm not hearing things aswell?! :-\ I'm so up and down I feel like I'm going mad!! I have more Velafaxine, part of me is tempted to just carry on taking them....
Thankyou Lol - today has been horrendous... such a rollercoaster and to top it off, I have just heard a duck! (there are no ducks anywhere near and I swear, it couldn't have been more than 10ft away from me!) Could it be that I'm not hearing things aswell?! :-\ I'm so up and down I feel like I'm going mad!! I have more Velafaxine, part of me is tempted to just carry on taking them....
What are you doing inside a freezer mate?
I've read around some websites about venlafaxine withdrawal and my god its scary.... theres even a petition get venlafaxine banned and not used at all as a 'last resort' AD....
I think I'm going to carry on taking them, maybe on alternate days, untill I see my doctor again in a fortnight... (rural practices >:()
Agreed. If I knew about all of this when he prescribed them then I wouldnt have started taking them...
I am more than a little concerned about what the next step will be. I'm currently just on Trazodone at night - but i have tried Citalopram, Mitrazapine, Amiltryptiline, Lofepramine, Prozac (Fluoxetine), Valium (Diazepam) and Temazepam.... not in that order... I'm not sure how many medication avenues there are left to go down! :-\
I'm currently taking venlfaxine but didn't know about withdrawal effects. It'll be a while until I come off them though.
Agreed. If I knew about all of this when he prescribed them then I wouldnt have started taking them...
I am more than a little concerned about what the next step will be. I'm currently just on Trazodone at night - but i have tried Citalopram, Mitrazapine, Amiltryptiline, Lofepramine, Prozac (Fluoxetine), Valium (Diazepam) and Temazepam.... not in that order... I'm not sure how many medication avenues there are left to go down! :-\
Not many!
I've been on most of those, I'm supposed to be starting Trazadone now and then looking into Amiltryptiline. My doctor's had to consult her superior and she's said after those two then they have no more options. I've given them a new option, no medication. They want me on pills though as they say the psychiatric team don't like to start therapy until the medication has lifted my mood enough so there's no risk of suicide. Which makes very little sense to me, I can't see the psychiatric team until I'm happier, so why would I be going there? ::)
Good luck Lol - This is certainly one rollacoaster of a ride, but you know we are all here to support you though it &*(
I'm pleased she is really taking care with you Cornish :) Your last line about doing it because you want to is very important - I can understand completley how you will see these 'challenges' as work, but you need to be able to give yourself some slack with them, which I feel that you possibly wouldn't do if you were treating them as a task. I know its hard, but please keep trying to focus on the bits of progress you have made - no matter how small, you don't need to me to tell you that this is a long and bumpy road! And you may not ever get back to the person you were before... but you will get back to enjoying life again!! Celebrate cheese on toast - and carob!!
How are you feeling today Zaf? Has the pain subsided after your osteopath appointment?
Danbob - how is your sleeping? Are you doing ok??
xxxxx
I have just had our cat vaccinated and he gets very lethargic and out of sorts (off his food which is an absolute tragedy for him!!!!!) for 24 hours after it. so we are having a night in together, some serious knee time, telly and beer to make him (....eherm) feel better. ^&^ Bless him
I have just had our cat vaccinated and he gets very lethargic and out of sorts (off his food which is an absolute tragedy for him!!!!!) for 24 hours after it. so we are having a night in together, some serious knee time, telly and beer to make him (....eherm) feel better. ^&^ Bless him
Shame you'll have to drink his share of the beer ;)
sleep hygene?
I have just had our cat vaccinated and he gets very lethargic and out of sorts (off his food which is an absolute tragedy for him!!!!!) for 24 hours after it. so we are having a night in together, some serious knee time, telly and beer to make him (....eherm) feel better. ^&^ Bless him
Shame you'll have to drink his share of the beer ;)
I know, it's difficult.............(burp) $%$
Do you mean they want to get your sleep patterns to get back to normal without medication? Do they have a plan how to do that?
Are they giving you some advice how to do that?
Cornish it seems that you are saying that it is very difficult for you to be concentrating inwardly and would rather have the detachment of treating it like an external job that you are completing by request?
author=Zaf link=topic=648.msg6675#msg6675 date=1318661676]
Feeling really weird this morning, tearful and restless, keep doing a bit of something then a bit of something else, no idea why !"!
yeah they are doing great, with 20 mins to go they are losing 9-8 i have everything crossed.
just lookin at a pile of clothes is enough to depress me ha ha, hope your restlessness ceases :)
Restlessness is horrible... at least you are being productive with it though Zaf - think how much of a relief it will be once all that ironing is done!! :) And you've got onto Facebook? :)
I'm feeling a bit like I want to do something today - go out and have a bracing walk in the fresh air - I love it now that its really feeling quite autumnal :) Will have to wait until Chris gets home from work though and he did mention something about doing the brakes on the car... so bracing walk might have to wait until tomorrow!!
Feeling quite fizzy ::) But yesterday was my day 'off' the medication, so have just taken one now... hopefully that will be enough and I won't get to the point I did the other day....
Cornish, I am around most of the weekend - you know where I am if you need anything.
Danbob... Its a great feeing when we can take on the world!! But please try to restrain yourself a little!! :P I'm sure you don't need reminding, but the minute you feel tired STOP! Don't get overtired.... I know its so difficult and there is a very fine line in-between feeling a little tired and then being overtired and manic but please don't wear yourself out!
Lol and Depina - how are you both today?
xxxx
Restlessness is horrible... at least you are being productive with it though Zaf - think how much of a relief it will be once all that ironing is done!! :) And you've got onto Facebook? :)
I'm feeling a bit like I want to do something today - go out and have a bracing walk in the fresh air - I love it now that its really feeling quite autumnal :) Will have to wait until Chris gets home from work though and he did mention something about doing the brakes on the car... so bracing walk might have to wait until tomorrow!!
Feeling quite fizzy ::) But yesterday was my day 'off' the medication, so have just taken one now... hopefully that will be enough and I won't get to the point I did the other day....
Cornish, I am around most of the weekend - you know where I am if you need anything.
Danbob... Its a great feeing when we can take on the world!! But please try to restrain yourself a little!! :P I'm sure you don't need reminding, but the minute you feel tired STOP! Don't get overtired.... I know its so difficult and there is a very fine line in-between feeling a little tired and then being overtired and manic but please don't wear yourself out!
Lol and Depina - how are you both today?
xxxx
Feel quite low and a bit numb.
I shouldnt have let myself sleep this afternoon, that horrible restless feeling has returned and I know I'm not going to get to sleep at all tonight :(
POPCORN!!! :D
*@#*%#* Ive had an allergic reaction to something in the garden and my arm is driving me mad itching, aarrgghhhhh, even antisan wont help any suggestions please? atm I'm wrapping it with a cold flannel till the cold goes away, but its not helping much.
Yes he's a right drunkard so as any good pet owner would, I am reducing the amount he could do himself harm with ;)
You sound (despite the rash) like you're having a productive yet sensible day Zaf! That's cool!
I once set fire to my eyebrows! (and the rest of my facial hair actually) I was trying to drink a flaming Sambuca at the time - chickened out at literally the last nano-second after the point of no return, poured it all over my face instead and my eye brows went up like a molatov cocktail! When I came back down from the ceiling I looked like a coal miner! (with no eye brows) my whole face was as smoothe as a babys bottom for weeks after!! :D :D
Cornish and Zaf there is no law to suggest that you have to finish anything! Is there? Chillax! O0
bugger i didn't win the auction :(
I like that film too, didnt they make a sequel?
Its still a fairly big building, what on earth did he want all those land rovers for?!
I'm a design engineer. Dunno what work they'll get me doing.
Hi
How are you everyone, not able to say much today, only that I have read the latest posts and am thinking of you.
Hope you have a bright day.
Smile ;D
Hugs &*( &*(
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
I know exactly where your coming from Zaf, I know it isn't helping my condition but at the moment I have to stick with what i'm doing. Who knows where things will lead me in the future. Thanx for your advice though. Hope you are okay.
I usually go walking Zaf. I make it a point at least once a week to go somewhere for a walk. I'm not very good a group or club things, I find it hard to just walk into somewhere and mix with people.
Wow, I find it really great that people here answer quickly and really seem to care - I've had quite a different experience with similar forums ;)
As regards my depressive episodes, it's kind of complicated. Actually, I'm in some way depressed all the time, I've got the feeling that something is not "flowing" right in my brain, not feeling right. I guess one therapist I once had said this was called "dysthymia" or something like that. However, I still do feel there are different phases, if I wanted to be cynical I might call them bad phases and worse phases :D During the worse ones I'm really unable to find pleasure in anything, even things I normally enjoy, it's like I was a bottle with a lot of holes in it - you can fill in what you want, the bottle remains empty eventually. During these phases, I'm tired all the time, have no impetus whatsoever and am just really terrible actually - and I don't really know what helps, except waiting for them to pass. They vary in length, from a few days to few weeks.
At the moment, however, the situation is different again:I seem to cycle really rapidly between moods, including some anxiety and panic (if it gets too bad, I can take my emergency medication, lorazepam, but I try not to take it too often). So this is somehow a bit strange, and may be associated with the loads of strain and pressure I've been under for quite some time now. Hope it will get better bit by bit, and yes, I should meet the doctor - I called a practice earlier this afternoon and they said I could drop by. At the time when I had mustered up my courage however the weather situation looked like this (actually even a lot worse): "£" and not much improvement up to now..
I totally agree with your last sentenvce, this balance is quite hard to find. Sometimes tasks just overtax you and send you spiralling downwards, sometimes they can be some kind of ladder..
Hey lol
Thanks for remembering.
Was pretty tough and didn't feel comfy. Not sure how well am gonna cope or if I'll manage to keep going. Guess time will tell.
I am becoming numb.
woke up with no energy and no appetite today, Im slowly learning that no matter how much help or meds I take I am always going to experiance days like this so I am trying not to let it get to me and to carry on with my life. I feel like I have come a long way over the past couple of months and that there is a very faint light at the end of the tunnel.
I have noticed that there are a few new faces on hear and I hope that you guys are finding it usefull to talk, I know that this forum really has been a life saver for me at times. Zaf, Cornish and hope how are you all doing??
smirfy :)
The thing is that I'm actually damn good at acting , always have been and so most times I can sit in front of someone and although on the inside I'm all over the place on the outside I can pretty much make it look like i'm perfectly fine. I have mastered this over the years but of late its become much more drastic to the point it takes all of my energies to pull it off and then when I'm back in my safe zone the fallout is massive and iKm a massive mess. This is when i realised i couldnt do it any more. Its only been the drink that held it all together i feel and now its sooo hard. I have ALWAYS had the highs and lows as long as I can remember but as a teen it was just who i was. Hyper and crazy Pete or lazy Pete who slept for what seemed like days cuz he was lazy. As an adult i blamed the lows on cannibis or the booze and the highs were when i was on top form and thought I was "the man"
Maybe if i wrote things down like I do here it would be a help for those who i see but how do you stroll into your doctors office and say just read this lol
I have found myself pinching myself too for no reason? I dont know why but at times its very hard but I feel its to relax me although it doesnt really if you know what I mean. do you think my meds needs changing or is it something else?
hey pete nice to hear from you again, the pinching is a very mild form of self harm, its a safe and its actually recommended as an alternative to si. but please dont let the si get any worse, im saying this from experience and now by body is a mess and i regret it.
only really came on to make sure no one worried about me, i think saying a bad was would be a bit of an understatement :(
Cornish - You bit your knuckle OFF?! Do you have rat teeth??? :o :P Pm me if you need to...
Smirfy, you dont ever have to apologise for having a rant or feeling down we all do it and we all need other people to respond in some way, I think your plan is a good one and it shows you are actually feeling positive enough to make a plan!
when does your therapy start danbob?
I'm just incredibly tired, I wish I could get the sleep problems sorted which I'm sure would help enormously
Today I start taking 60mg citralopram for the first time. Too be honest im hoping they make me feel better because so far apart from the drastic increase in my bad attitude and the rest of the negative things I dont think the pills have made any difference. I have had a few good spells but I always do. The depression side has got deeper and the happy side happier maybe a sort of exaggeration of my moods is the change i would say. The fact that I find myself on the max dose fills me with dread at coming off them due to withdrawls and disappointment that i have sunk so low in life i need these stupid things just to try and be the person I should be. Today I ask myself why? Why do i need these damn pills, why must i be such a burden to my family, why have i managed to push my friends away, why me, why cant life just be simple, i dont ask for much i never have so why must i suffer and cause suffering?
Life......whats it all about? Whats the real point to it all?
I sit and think looking, hoping, longing for a valid answer to the mixing pot I find myself in
Thanks for your lovely words lol.
I am in deep trouble at the moment both emotionally and with the police. I worry either or both things are going to ruin my life and that I won't be able to get a decent job again.
I don't know that I'll get better. Just can't see any future :-(
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It is the end of something traumatic Alstare and the beginning of new beginnings. It is right that you should grieve what you had. You are doing this now. You will come out the other side. You are important and you don't need ANYONE who thinks you are not. The divorce finalisation is the funeral of the phase. But it opens up others. You have a future. You can shape it.
feeling really emotional today and I just feel tired and tearful something isn't right because its gradually got to this point all week. I really need this GP appointment on monday because I will not let this reverse the progress I have made.
I really wish I wasn't feeling like this and Im hoping that its just a matter of changing my medication levels or medication all together. Im going to try and get some sleep as I can feel my body screeming at me.
night all and I hope your all ok
smirfy :-\
Cheese! :D I have some cheese fondue in my fridge... Saving it for a naughty midnight feast when I have some yummy bread....
Cheese! :D I have some cheese fondue in my fridge... Saving it for a naughty midnight feast when I have some yummy bread....
I cook proper fondue from scratch with an authentic swis recipe
Cheese! :D I have some cheese fondue in my fridge... Saving it for a naughty midnight feast when I have some yummy bread....
It drives me mad when people say they are a vegetarian but eat fish....grrrr....
Oh and I do so love cheese....it is the king of foods!
I've got to go get all my stuff from my house next Saturday as it's now been sold.
I've got to go get all my stuff from my house next Saturday as it's now been sold.
if i was closer i would be more than willing to help, but i hope it all goes well and its not too stressful for you
Unfortunately yes - what really frustrates me is when I sleep for hours and still feel as tired as when I went to bed :(
Cazzy that's great. You are quite rightly proud of yourself. Keep remembering that and knowing that you can beat this step by step. Literally!
I bet your son LOVED walking outside with his mummy as well!
Congratulations! I guess that the longer you delay the first step, the harder it becomes. So it must've been pretty difficult - and you can be really really proud!
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
I was picturing a little 5 year old skipping along side you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
I'm so sorry Cazzy what a fool I am! Tell him that it'll make him laugh!!!
Feeling bad bad bad.
pin the something on something... will have a think on that one ;)
Suzi Perry is gawjus
pin the something on something... will have a think on that one ;)
pin the .................. to the munchroom ??
Sick to death of being me and suffering all the friggin time, I have simply had enough. GP doesn't help, Medication doesn't help, Psychiatrist doesn't help, changing my life style and exercise doesn't help so what is left? Will somebody please tell me what is friggin left to try?
I come on hear and everybody is really great which makes me feel all the more guilty when I sink back into a dark depression and need to just vent.
what is left for me
smirfy "£$
Hi all,
Just wanted to say that since joining this forum I have been feeling a little more positive about things, I think helps to know that I am not alone so thank you. Maybe I am just having a good couple of days, I dunno but I am going to try to make the most of it while it lasts, I'm sure things will go back down hill eventually :(.
I think it could be because I am looking forward to my friend coming back from his holiday (we used to date each other when I was 17 (he was 18), had a happy relationship with him for 4 years, he was my 1st love then I fell out of love with him (not entirely sure why - young and silly maybe, thought grass was greener)). He has always been there for me and is great when I am feeling at rock bottom, somehow he seems to manage lift me up out of the darkness when I see him. Anyway, i have been thinking about him lately and I have been missing him.....maybe I didn't actually fall out of love with him :-\ ???
I feel a bit guilty as u all seem to be having such a hard time of it at the mo and I hope I haven't offended anyone by writing this, I am just enjoying my up time and just wanted to share it :)
Tried it, I am talking to a brick wall. If she thinks something, there is nothing youc an do to change her mind. I will be years before she will speak to me again. I can't blame her for that.
feelin ok today to be honest, the only thing gettin me down is im struggling to lose the weight i gained on my medication :(
feelin ok today to be honest, the only thing gettin me down is im struggling to lose the weight i gained on my medication :(
What medication was you on? Mitzapine makes me eat like a maniac. I do lots of exercise now which helps.
Zaf you have been feeling quite down for most of this week and I'm concerned for you. It is so disheartening to feel like that and I wander if you have been exploring too much to help others? Please do all you can to look after yourself, you are very important.
Really &$%+ty today - even more stress coming up, will be really difficult and I don't exactly know how to pull through some things. Damn "£"
Really &$%+ty today - even more stress coming up, will be really difficult and I don't exactly know how to pull through some things. Damn "£"
Bah, I hope I can at least sort some things out tomorrow. Gonna go to bed now, I guess.. and will then see what I can do, although I don't exactly know where to start. At least I no work at the moment, but I can't really enjoy the free time..
Whats made you think that smirfy? :(
Really &$%+ty today - even more stress coming up, will be really difficult and I don't exactly know how to pull through some things. Damn "£"
Bah, I hope I can at least sort some things out tomorrow. Gonna go to bed now, I guess.. and will then see what I can do, although I don't exactly know where to start. At least I no work at the moment, but I can't really enjoy the free time..
hope you feel better soon, chin up mate :)
not at all sleepy :(
i hate these long nights.... lets my mind churn over bad thoughts :/
not at all sleepy :(
i hate these long nights.... lets my mind churn over bad thoughts :/
Yeah I hate night time too :-(
Try not to work too hard smirfy.
Standing by her for the sake of love. Yes mate that's it.
Thank you
How the chuff am I going to do that................... :-\
Words cannot express how bad I feel right now, only the promise to my psycoligust is keeping me from committing suicide :'(
Don't see any point in carrying on, I know I can get a little better but it's extremely unlikely I will ever be anything like I used to be. If I can never be my self again what's the point
Lol, you advised me the other day to not feel guilty if I had decided to let go so you need to follow your advice. You can't put your own life on hold waiting for her to get better. You need to look after yourself and go out with your friends. Hopefully she will get better soon and then you will both be in a position to be together. I'm sure your ex is not happy with who she has become but she has just accepted it as who she now. Maybe it's not a case of letting go yet, maybe you do just need to let her deal with her things and you focus on you and being with your friends??
I agree on the trying to stay friends as at least then you will feel you are still there for her. I wish I had some advice on how to stay friends but I have struggled with this myself! It is hard to be friends with someone that you are still in love with. Is it better to have them in your life in some way rather than in no way at all??
Words cannot express how bad I feel right now, only the promise to my psychologist is keeping me from committing suicide :'(
Don't see any point in carrying on, I know I can get a little better but it's extremely unlikely I will ever be anything like I used to be. If I can never be my self again what's the point
Cornish I'm so sorry you feel like this. This is one of the most difficult times you have ever had to deal with and you have been through an awful lot. You are feeling so desperate and sad and I sense you are in total dispair.
You are a very courageous person. You are still here because of your courageousness, stubbornness and honour to your promise to your psychologist who you respect a lot. I am very glad you made that promise and are still here today. You are very important to your family, friends, us and me. Your mum is desperately concerned for you and somtimes doesn't show her feelings very well because of fear but she loves you very dearly and would be desperately sad if you ended your life. As would the rest of your family and of course us.
Your memories of yourself before your accident are painful and make you draw comparrisons between yourself then and yourself now. From what you have said, it sounds like the possibility of you returning to your old self is unlikely but not impossible. Maybe that is not the goal though. You can transform through this, shape and change. It has affected you and you have learned and grown so much through this experience. You have been through too much &$%+ over this illness to just give it the satisfaction of claiming you now. Please see Cornish, that you can come out the other side of this what ever that may mean. Perhaps the aim now is not to return, but to get out.
You have been through such traumatic, torturous times with such courage and strength, that I can imagine you would be BRILLIANT at developing a career or even voluteer work at helping others come to terms with their similar experiences. I believe that might be the point in carrying on. You are an inspiration. An amazing man. some one to look up to and admire. No one I know is coping with what you are coping with and you have shown many many people your tyranny over your illnesses. We have such respect for you and I am humbled in your presence.
How many problems must one have to be on here? I don't even have depression at the moment and here I am. Are you miffed to find me here?
You of course don't feel strong, this is what I was trying to say the other day. Inside you feel weak and feel you don't have the strength to carry on, yet you do carry on and that my friend, is what I'm talking about.
Whether or not you think you should be admired is irrelavent, you are being admired and people wish to tell you that. It has nothing to do with what you want, it's how we feel.
We respect you because through everything you are coping with you are a lovely, lovely person and still take the time to help others to great effect. You have shown courage; something we have all felt we have lacked at one time or other. Perspective; again, something we lack all the time because we are so inside our own situations that we can't see the wood for the trees. Compassion; you've shown buckets of this, you understand and empathise and are gentle and non-judgemental in showing this. Sometimes you say something that ONLY YOU could possibly have understood about something and you have contributed greatly to everyones understanding of the facets of depression and other personality disorders.
You do struggle with work, but we are all relatively struggling with our own problems and understand how difficult it is to do so. Your self harming is a coping mechanism because of your struggle and because it's too much and has to manifest in another way to attempt to satisfy your dispair and it's part of you. Fpr me, and I don't think I'm alone here, these are just two of the MANY things about you that command such respect.
I really don't think you realise how important you are here. On the planet and in this forum. Imagine what you can do Cornish! look at the affect you have on people!
Please take care and stay here Cornish, You are very very important and I want you to stay. Please promise me as well.
What's EMDR Cornish? (sorry)
I know its probably impossible to convince you otherwise at the moment but you belong here as much as the rest of us xx
I just had to google EMDR, it sounds very scary and horrid, I think you're very brave even considering it but yet again it shows your strength and determination.
I know what you mean about feeling its too hard to keep fighting, try to tackle everything a minute at a time, sometimes its the only way
This is your life and it's ending one minute at a timefrom the film fight club is something i think about a lot. on one hand i dont wish to waste any of my time but on the other hand i could just curl up, do nothing and just wait for the end.
Going to pack up the house tomorrow. Feel bit worried about it all. Ho hey.
i wonder what it is about being beneath a canopy of leaves which brings such feelings of tranquility? maybe some kind of left over programming from the monkey part of our brains ;)
feel smashing today :) lookin forward to another party tonight.... lets hope it stays that way
feel smashing today :) lookin forward to another party tonight.... lets hope it stays that way
at the expense of seeming like a killjoy dont go too mad or you may come down with a bump :(
Good stuff danbob
I sometimes am very quite in a group...it isnt that I'm uncomfortable, but I dont seem to be able to mingle, I with draw into myself.
Ok so mve is all complete thanks to my excellent friends and mum. Was quite sad but thats the end of a chapter. On the negative side I've thrown my back out :-(
Yes I live in the countryside smirfy and I do feel very close to nature :)
I used to do a lot of pencil sketching and some oils and pastels but never thought they were any good so most got binned during depressive episodes, I find watercolours a huge challenge so decided it was time (again!) to try to master them, I mostly attempt scenery or images from nature but perhaps if I really keep practicing this time I might venture out of my comfort zone but I'm dreadfully self critical so dont often things are good enough to show people :-[
Its great to hear you are feeling better in the last few days, long may it last xx
Hi Di, great to hear you jad a good time with your grandchildren :)
Yes I live in the countryside smirfy and I do feel very close to nature :)
I used to do a lot of pencil sketching and some oils and pastels but never thought they were any good so most got binned during depressive episodes, I find watercolours a huge challenge so decided it was time (again!) to try to master them, I mostly attempt scenery or images from nature but perhaps if I really keep practicing this time I might venture out of my comfort zone but I'm dreadfully self critical so dont often things are good enough to show people :-[
Its great to hear you are feeling better in the last few days, long may it last xx
Hi Di, great to hear you jad a good time with your grandchildren :)
paint by numbers and you cant go wrong haha
just feel rather strange today, 300mg of Quetiapine was really not a nice experience, im just glad that im not going any higher for at least a few weeks.
dreading the possible 800mg :o
Overtired, irritable, fat, anxious and like I've come back down to earth with a very sudden bump >:(
I'm not surprised :(
Please do make sure you look after yourself as the last thing you need is to go down with depression after all this stress and grief
xx
I'm not surprised :(
Please do make sure you look after yourself as the last thing you need is to go down with depression after all this stress and grief
xx
Thanks Zaf, too late. Have been to my GP after having a jolly lovely experience of not being able to coordinate my left and right hands, in the middle of taking a blood sample! Then my speach went rather slurred and I was confused. Then I had a panic attack out of sheer embarrassment and confusion I think! and my GP thinks I am on the brink of a 'partial breakdown!' whatever that is? He has given me other symptoms to look out for and I have had to give up karate and have to take it very easy at the gym. Great.
Who had 31/10/2011 12:36?
I am just incredibly incredibly sad
Anything in particular brought those feelings on Alstare?Not that I can think of :-(
Feel very lonely, feel like the only people I have regular contact with is this board. I feel very rejected when people aren't around or replying to messages. Irrational I know.
Feel very lonely, feel like the only people I have regular contact with is this board. I feel very rejected when people aren't around or replying to messages. Irrational I know.
I have no divorce hearing.....but sleep patern will be the same. The divorce hearing must feel like &. $ .% +. Hold onto the seed of hope and future....you have a future, and a good future because you have the wisdom of living through & $ .% + .e.
She is making me feel like in front of people I was nice to her but at home it was a different story. If anything it was the other way around! With her depression she was sometimes irresponsible and unloving at home but I understood it was her depression and although it was hurtful sometimes it wan't something that we couldn't get through with understanding. She hasn't said anything its just the way I'm suddenly feeling. I think because her brother was shocked when she told him and he said 'but you're tight as a couple' and I said HE'S RIGHT!!!! what did you say? and she said "I said he was right too", but then on a different occasion when I reminded her that she had agreed with her brother she said "but he only saw us when we were together". I have NEVER understood what she meant by that and it has been haunting me ever since. Was I abusing her unwittingly when we were at home? What the hell is going on?!?!?!?
I used to be very hard on people who were incompetent. I'm also a firm beleiver in that if you want something doing properly then you need to do it yourself, which isnt always possible, so its easy to get mad at people.
I just accept now that people have different priorities, different things on their minds, and have different levels of competency in their jobs. There is nothing I can ever do to change this, and so I try not to let it get me down...although recently this has been very difficult for me to put into practice due to circumstances I wish to bore no one with.
Hope you manage to feel better soon...
I get night sweats due to my age and they're horrible :( has your GP said anything about them?
I just still can't get over the thought that if she has ended the relationship because her depression is making her feel guilt and self loathing, then THERE WAS NO NEED!!!!!!! Oh my god make it stop.
Perhaps in a way she is happier Lol. Not being in a relationship takes away some of the guilt that being in a relationship can bring when you are at rock bottom, right now all she has to think about - and can manage to think about, is herself. I know that makes it no more bearable for you, but I can only go from my own experience and believe me, I wore the whole 'he'd be better off without me' t-shirt for quite a while! xxx
Its possible lol but I'm not sure you should be pinning your hopes on that :(
Perhaps in a way she is happier Lol. Not being in a relationship takes away some of the guilt that being in a relationship can bring when you are at rock bottom, right now all she has to think about - and can manage to think about, is herself. I know that makes it no more bearable for you, but I can only go from my own experience and believe me, I wore the whole 'he'd be better off without me' t-shirt for quite a while! xxx
I am starting to feel a bit more positive. Whenever I have been feeling low or anxious this week I have been writing it down and it has helped me to put things into perspective. :)
Thanks Munchroom this makes sense, again! Thank you! She did say I was the one for her and she wouldn't want another relationship, just to 'die a spinster with a dog' lovely! and she has said she feels so guilty and has said 'I can't be what you want me to be' which I never understood either because she IS what I want her to be?!?!?!?!?! Did you actually finish with your other half at the time? how long did you wear the Tshirt for? and how did it ever get any better?
Munchroom - medication = meditation?
"£" my EMDR went "well" (according to the psychologist, i HATED it) earlier but it was horrific and physically i felt all of the pain again, haven't taken my anti psychotics yet, there extremely tranquilizing and put me to sleep in about 2 minuets, i just dont want to pass out tonight from them, i want natural sleep not some weird sleep with no dreams and feeling even my exhausted in the morning and not being able to wake up.
BUT im not tired at all and i know i need them so i think i better take them, gotta force my self. will end up passing out and wont be back till tomorrow.
oh and i only have 2 more sessions with my psychologist unless more are sorted in time. 2 weeks and then there's no promise to keep
today has gone seriously downhill for me, I'm sure its the hassles in the office this morning :(
today has gone seriously downhill for me, I'm sure its the hassles in the office this morning :(
today has gone seriously downhill for me, I'm sure its the hassles in the office this morning :(
chin up cockles :D
Yes I am Zaf :-(
Would anyone miss me?
Total time logged in: 6 days, 7 hours and 53 minutes.
I must be addicted :-[
one of the blokes at work was a bit of an !£%^!£$&^! to me and my illness so i had to punish him, i started to mix whey powder (fresh and pure from a cheese factory and a lot stronger than the body builder type) with his powered milk and well long story short he now has a slight weight and cholesterol problem.
I don't really know. The ting is I have a morbid fear of sharp things and have always had a weird thing that I would be stabbed to death or something so I normally don't like to handle sharp pointy things even if they are in the packaging. Maybe I just suncocnciously wanted to hold it...consider it...then dismiss it...so i could move on?
Sorry to hear about you missing your doctors appointment Munchroom! It'll give you another week to psych yourself up and realise what a lot you have been doing recently and how well you have been doing it!
Zaf I'm sorry to hear work is making you feel despondant. You could really do without that couldn't you. Regarding your sleeping and not wanting to leave an oil burner on - Have you tried josticks? They couldn't set fire to anything and just go out on their own. Having said that a little tea light only lasts a couple of hours? Otherwise, there are some diffusers you can get for babys when they've got the snuffles that are safe to leave on all night and you can put baby vicks and albass in them. I'm sure you could put any other oil in them as well. try googling them. Also there are those reed stick thingies? It's a shame to have something like aromatherapy that you know works and not be able to utilise it in your home!
Also when I was at tesco I was actuallu looking at the bacon....craving meat...which is something I haven't eaten in ages...it seems Zaf that your animals are your safety and sanity and comfort? They are very lucky to have you.
Thanks my lovelies, I have said to them that I don't open up fully.
I'm not ready to even thing about the stuff that I don't talk about.
Zaf that sounds like a very positive and productive afternoon - dinner sounds yummy too! xx
is something going wrong with the quote thingys or am I just being useless with them?!
today started off with me feeling anxious and irritible, that is a direct consequence of having to do something at work that I knew would be stressful. I was strong enough to leave only 20 minutes after the time I had decided to even though there were still some important things to do (triumph!)
I then felt weird once at home as I was wondering what I was going to do with 3 hours, so I did some cross stitch and Ive prepared a quinoa pilaf for my dinner tonight, got OH's dinner partly prepared (we dont eat the same as I'm virtually vegan and he's a carnivore - or I suppose more accurately an omnivore!), for the first time for many months I actually did some yoga practice and started on trying to remember the tai chi short form and Ive just completed the Tesco order for Saturday.
I shall go out and feed the horses shortly and then come in to sit in meditation - I feel calm this afternoon and pleased Ive done things for me for a change :)
hopefully this positiveness will last.....
today started off with me feeling anxious and irritible, that is a direct consequence of having to do something at work that I knew would be stressful. I was strong enough to leave only 20 minutes after the time I had decided to even though there were still some important things to do (triumph!)
I then felt weird once at home as I was wondering what I was going to do with 3 hours, so I did some cross stitch and Ive prepared a quinoa pilaf for my dinner tonight, got OH's dinner partly prepared (we dont eat the same as I'm virtually vegan and he's a carnivore - or I suppose more accurately an omnivore!), for the first time for many months I actually did some yoga practice and started on trying to remember the tai chi short form and Ive just completed the Tesco order for Saturday.
I shall go out and feed the horses shortly and then come in to sit in meditation - I feel calm this afternoon and pleased Ive done things for me for a change :)
hopefully this positiveness will last.....
mmm quinoa......... recipe section on the forums ??
although i wouldn't add much at the moment as im not really eating anything :(
I have lost my phone and really need an urgent doctors appointment today because I feel like im on the edge of a nervous break down so I am going to walk over to the uni medical centre and ask to see someone, I don't even know if they will give me an appointment, the website says I need to ring in advance but to be honest if I don't get an appointment today who knows what state I could be in and I cannot ring them because I don't know what I did with my stupid phone.
Oh god they are going to think I am completely freekin insane, a complete head case, just what they need first thing in the morning $%^ I reallllly hope they give me an appointment today.
smirfy
Hope you feel better soon Stevie - Lots of rest and hot drinks!!
Why do you feel tearful Alstare? Anything in particular?
I'm feeling a bit restless :-\ Have felt quite low today and ashamedly couldn't resist slipping back into self harm :-[
Managed to cook something for dinner that I promised Chris yesterday and I also ate some - which is a positive. Then got a bit manic and also made a quiche and some cupcakes.... Have an appointment with the lady at the jobcentre tomorrow... my friend has said she's happy to take me in, just hope I don't oversleep again ::) Will have to make sure I'm out of bed when Chris leaves the house for work.
*shoots both hands up in the air by way of voting for option 3*
Cornish - we all understand it will be incredibly hard for you to do, but it IS do-able and you know we will all support you as best we can &*(
*shoots both hands up in the air by way of voting for option 3*
Cornish - we all understand it will be incredibly hard for you to do, but it IS do-able and you know we will all support you as best we can &*(
2 hands up is cheating your vote is rejected :P
im just taking each day at a time at the moment, dreading each one with no idea if im going to make it to the end of the month, there's no way im breaking a promise but im having thoughts that i really shouldn't be listening to and keep making very detailed plans for 2 weeks time :'(
*shoots both hands up in the air by way of voting for option 3*
Cornish - we all understand it will be incredibly hard for you to do, but it IS do-able and you know we will all support you as best we can &*(
2 hands up is cheating your vote is rejected :P
im just taking each day at a time at the moment, dreading each one with no idea if im going to make it to the end of the month, there's no way im breaking a promise but im having thoughts that i really shouldn't be listening to and keep making very detailed plans for 2 weeks time :'(
Thankyou for your bit above that ^ :)
*Puts one hand in the air at a time, repeatedly* :P
Just keep taking it one day at a time... you are doing so well, even if you can't see it in yourself *(*
Angry! so very very angry! I cant stop shaking with anger, and about what you may ask? Nothing. I don't know what is making me so angry but the only thing that has seemed to calm me down in the glass of red wine I've just had. I just want it to be over.
Ok, so tomorrow is remembrance day and I will be thinking of my fallen friends. My best friend and 5 guys I knew quite well in a helo crash. My mate who lost a leg and bled out internally over a three week period and all I could do is watch him go down hill. My other colleagues who I've known in helo crashes.
It's strange but this year I just feel numb about the whole thing. I guess it's because I have so much other stuff going on in my life to be sad about. This other stuff is between 2 and 9 years old.
I'm sorry Bexwa this is an awful way for you to be feeling. Are you having any particular thoughts whilst being so angry? Are you sure it is anger and not anxiety? Have you ever had a panic attack is it one of those? Please don't drink too much wine while you're feeling like this. If you would like to talk about how you ae feeling please go ahead.Thanks Lol. I know I need to calm down and I thought at first it might be a panic attack but it never subsided. It just built up and up. My other half, who I thought understood the way I was, told me I have become a horrible person and that I am pushing him away (story of my life ::) ) its what always happens. When things are good I have to do my best to destroy it. I'm just so glad people round here understand better then the people in my life.
i gotta agree with lol, about it could be a panic attack. also the wine, try relaxation techniques, i was skeptical of these until my psychologist MADE me do one, wow what a huge help.Thank you so much for this Cornish, will definitely try it out. I need something because the way I was feeling yesterday the one thing I needed was a punch bag!
thats a very basic version of what i do but i started with basically that one
http://ibs.about.com/od/treatmentofibs/ht/visualiz.htm (http://ibs.about.com/od/treatmentofibs/ht/visualiz.htm)
Sorry your feeling this way. Maybe all ourminds have become merged in the forum, and we all feel bad at the same time. :P
Had a really nice night out with my friends and feeling happy for a change.
had my first meeting with a cpn today. bloody mental health team have just realized i didn't have one after over a $%W"$% year grrrr.
not sure how i felt about it. hmm well actually just dont feel good about it. not the normal i dont want help feeling, just a feeling like its not right, somethings wrong, maybe paranoia but i dont think so.
cant sleep but so drowsy and tired, really annoyed with my self.
i think on of my si cuts is infected as its rather swollen, red, and VERY tender. got another appointment with my gp monday so will ask about it. im getting annoyed with my self having so many appointments, waste there time. had 3 this week, although one was private, i feel really bad about wasting the nhs time and money when there's not much point. starting to think im hiding how i really am from all of them to get rid of them again, it worked last time, they left me alone for a while, just want to give up on getting help as i really think im beyond it
numb part of my hand is feeling really bad
counting down the days now really, seems easier that way, like its something to look forward to, but fear.
Hope you feel better Bexwa.
I have some very good news, I am to be assesed next week. I rang up the hospital and told them how I was able to function very well, and they moved my appointment for me. Finally I will may be about to receive appropriate treatment.
Had a really nice night out with my friends and feeling happy for a change.
had my first meeting with a cpn today. bloody mental health team have just realized i didn't have one after over a $%W"$% year grrrr.
not sure how i felt about it. hmm well actually just dont feel good about it. not the normal i dont want help feeling, just a feeling like its not right, somethings wrong, maybe paranoia but i dont think so.
cant sleep but so drowsy and tired, really annoyed with my self.
i think on of my si cuts is infected as its rather swollen, red, and VERY tender. got another appointment with my gp monday so will ask about it. im getting annoyed with my self having so many appointments, waste there time. had 3 this week, although one was private, i feel really bad about wasting the nhs time and money when there's not much point. starting to think im hiding how i really am from all of them to get rid of them again, it worked last time, they left me alone for a while, just want to give up on getting help as i really think im beyond it
numb part of my hand is feeling really bad
counting down the days now really, seems easier that way, like its something to look forward to, but fear.
To be honest I feel pathetic as my depression and problems seem so much less than most people here but i'm tired of struggling with life, making important decisions, looking after others, trying to organise things, trying to find time for me and feeling totally overwhelmed. I want the world and everything in it to go away and leave me alone :(
Oh, and I've gone mad with internet retail therapy and struggling not to, it seems to be one of my 'things' when I'm down for some reason so of course I'm feeling guilty about that too.....
Had a really nice night out with my friends and feeling happy for a change.
THIS IS BRILLIANT ALSTARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am SO happy to here you say these words! What did you do? %$%
I want to start trying to get up by 10am and stop sleeping all day but it's just so hard. I feel like I am just sleeping my life away. Problem is I am scared to go to bed at night and often don't fall asleep until after 3am. I think this is depressing me more I just struggle to change it.
Therapy due to start in January some time and I'm in between care teams so no cpn support at the moment.
Yes it is. Have you got any therapy lined up yet mate?
How have the suicide thoughts been going? Reduced..got more frequent? Have you stopped going on those sites?
Anxious, overwhelmed and tearful :(
Determined to try to stick to Plan A but the world is throwing so much at me that I'm not sure if I can even though I know I need to
the release lasts minuits/hours, depends on what i do, i put pressure on some of the wounds to get more pain, i keep a cut on my left hand by my thumb so that when i rub my hands with anxiety it causes pain as well
I havnt any sensible advice concerning this....i can only offer my wishes for you to improve.
Hang in there smirfy, it must be awful knowing that the help will take soe time, do you have an emergency number to contact one of your medical team if you need to?
Cornish I am concerned for you and the damage that the SH must be doing, I am really concerned that you are going to bleed out and we will lose you. I know from experiance that SH is addictive, a great release and bloody painful which is why its so affective. Is this something you are getting help for??
Im feeling more and more low as the weeks go by, I have asked for help as this cannot go on but its a lengthy process and I fear that I might simply decide to end it all, I fantasise about it and death is no longer something that scares me.
smirfy
I'm worried for you too cornish but I have no experience of si so dont think I can say anything more apart from voicing my concern too. Having said that please dont feel you have to hide it from us because how we feel.
Hang in there smirfy, it must be awful knowing that the help will take soe time, do you have an emergency number to contact one of your medical team if you need to?
Zaf I am afraid that even if I did have an emergency number to contact it would be of no use to me, the end is not something I would plan its something that could quite simply happen without thought. this is just how life has become for me and I feel like I am walking about oblivious of life.
I wish that I was strong enough to carry on fighting this but I have been fighting it for so long that its all become to much of a struggle, I have asked for help so that I don't feel like this anymore so I guess thats my fight at the moment.
How are you doing, are you still fighting the fight
smirfy :-\
its never easy getting to that goal but for you I only hope that you are able to get there.
I have started off the process of getting help by changing my doctors surgery to one hear at uni and I had my first appointment last week with my new GP and the Nurse practitioner, Unfortunately I am no longer under the care of my psychiatrist because I stopped going to see her so I have been referred to the mental health team hear but I am told it could take up to a month to get an appointment with the psychiatrist which means it could take up to a month to have my meds changed because my GP wants me to have an assesment first before she treats me with any medication.
Its all very upsetting and frustrating especially as university is going so well and I should be happier than I have ever been, people ask me if I am high or drunk when manic and then people tell me to smile or to cheer up when I am low. there seems to be no inbetween anymore like there used to be.
I wish I was able to be possitive and not be so negative when writing on hear, and I can't help but feel that I am getting people down.
smirfy
It has just struck me what a wonderful place this is after reading through the posts since I left and went to bed. I was feeling very glum and overwhelmed but I now feel sort of inwardly warmed the way everyone pulls together to help each other :)
Don't feel bad today, I'm at work and that keeps my mind busy on a Monday..
Had a stressful weekend, self harm on my arm Saturday night, seemed to get me back into reality at the time. Although that has got a few people concerned now, I didn't want that, I did it for me, not some cry for help like they think.
I think its a fine line lol, are you still going to counselling?
Oh, please if you think I'm poking my nose in tell me to back off....
Sorry you feel this way Lol. Its an awful feeling.
Unfortnatly, I appear to have lost my mind again, I know I have and I can recognise that I have gotten sick again. I dont know why but I have. The OCD imp has come back to play his tricks, and has decided to put disturbing imagary in my head.
Thank you OCD, thank you so much.
physically feel crap today, it feels like my lower ribs are bruised and my upper abdomen is really painful.
went to my gp, well now i HAVE to see him every monday, psychologist every wednesday and cpn every friday.
didnt speak much, didnt ask about the cut that was infected, but it isnt infected now that i cut it off so i didnt think it was important
But I look ill, really ill :( two people Sunday asked me if I was OK because I looked pale but I didn't realise I looked so bad, its concerning me a bit but not actually worrying me at the moment but I have a nasty feeling I'm going to start getting obsessive about it if I'm not very careful.
Thanks zaf. Agreed, she wasn't qualified to discuss medication really. I did discuss with her that I felt due to my condition, medication will play an improtant part. They seem much more clued up than anyone else I ahve spoken to. I have to say, she was lovely and I was very impressed by her. It makes so much difference when someone takes you seriously. I am thinking that seeing a doctor is probably likely now.
its really horrible when that happens :(
do a bit and give yourself a reward then do another bit, it often helps do the horrible jobs we dont want to do :)
its really horrible when that happens :(
do a bit and give yourself a reward then do another bit, it often helps do the horrible jobs we dont want to do :)
Thanks Zaf, Well I have got through the day, doing various bits and bobs around the house, I am absolutely dreading work tomorrow :( I had a conversation with my partner this evening and I explained how I'm feeling. We have come to the conclusion that I need to speak to my line manager to discuss recent unreasonable objectives that were set . I feel nervous about this but I suppose once I have got things off my chest I will feel better. Or a least I hope I will..
Munchroom...they want you to take Trazodone in the morning? Im no doctor, but surely it would send you to sleep?
Munchroom...they want you to take Trazodone in the morning? Im no doctor, but surely it would send you to sleep?
He did say it is a sedative so may make me more dozy... in that case, I'd just be asleep all day!! ::) He said it might just take the edge off of my anxiety throughout the day though... which would be a good thing! I guess its a case of holding fire and not trying anything new until the Venlafaxine is out of my system. Starting to feel a bit annoyed and despondant about the whole thing though.... I've been taking anti-depressants since August last year and have tried countless different ones, and even now 15 months on, we're pretty much back at square one - just with an added list of all the tablets that don't work or have such bad side effects that they do more harm than good :-\
I'm so tired of all of this... I was looking at pictures of myself from way back in 2007 earlier and I looked so much more alive! The smile was natural, I didnt have bags under my eyes, my hair and my skin was healthy.... now I just look at pictures of myself and see someone who is so tired and very scared. I seem to have shrunk, not just in physical size - but I'm not the person that I was.... I'm just wracked with constant guilt, constant unanswerable questions, constant tiredness, worry and brain fog.... its all getting too much. I can't concentrate on anything for very long and I now have this medication course that I need to get the first unit done and posted off by the end of the week.... With things like that, I've always been a bit of a geek, get it done and out of the way and know that it is as perfect as I can physically make it - I can't even concentrate long enough to read the units, nevermind tackle the actual coursework! I don't want to have to ask for extra time... why should I need it?! Its not like I'm busy with children or work or a full time job.... Sorry. Thats a bit of a rant, I just feel so angry at myself that all this time is just passing by and I'm not getting any better long term... I may have a couple of weeks of being 'ok' but then I pay for it afterwards with such a big low that its almost not worth it.
Sorry, just feeling a bit sorry for myself :'(
I know, I'm as nervous as hell, I'll report back soon... p.s. Hope your well
My grandparents have been doing our family tree for a couple of years now and have found out loads, however when I asked my grandad if any of our ancestors had some kind of mental illness he just got really angry, I have never and I mean NEVER seen him angry It was like he was hiding something and then when I asked my dad if he knew if any relatives or ancestors that had mental illness he just shrugged it off. It is a well known fact that mental illness runs in my dads side of the family which is why I don't understand it, all I want to know is a bit about my family history so I can figure myself out a bit more.
I know it sounds stupid but I really do think that if I knew more about my ancestors and my blood line I would be able to make some sense of my life.
Maybe I am chasing ghosts but its something that really bothers me, I don't know anything about my own family and that is one of the most basic of things in life isn't it?
feeling wound up over this now and I don't even know why I want to know so badly
smirfy
:-\
Munchroom you are feeling really overwhelmed at the moment. You are coping with a lot and trying to get a handle on so many things it just seems too much to be able to. You explain that you feel consumed by guilt and unanswerable questions. What are you feeling guilty about and what are the questions you are struggling to answer?
You are doing so well to be getting through the days however you are able when you are feeling like this. It may not feel like it but you are achieving each day because it is so hard. There are many people who are doing this on this forum and although it seems to you like the saddest state of affairs to be 'achieving just getting through a day because it is so hard', it is frankly necessary and shows strength that you are able to achieve what is necessary in order to get through this temporary state. You can and will get through this and better days will come.
It is very sad that you can see a difference in yourself in the photographs. Try not to compare too much is really isn't that simple. You have been through an illness since then and you have been deeply affected by it. It is only temporary though. You are beautiful and you will get better than this in the future. I know it can't come soon enough. You are a survivor.
Thankyou for your understanding Stevie & Cornish... and the ear lick too I guess :P
I'm glad your afternoon has been nice :)
I don't know what I did to my foot - feels like it's the ankle joint, a bit as though I had sprained my ankle, but I haven't. My guess would be that I walked incorrectly because my shoe on that foot does not fit too well - my feet have different sizes :-\
Cornish how awful. You are unsure how to procede because everything is too much to bare at the moment and doesn't seem like it will ever improve. I'm very pleased to hear that your psychologist does not believe it is hopeless and can see improvement. what you have achieved with her is amazing and more than you expected. You have such a good relationship with her and she is important to you. I think you are important to her also.
Sorry Cornish I think you misunderstood what I was asking before. I was asking not how you feel about others but how you think they feel about you?
I hope you have a barable day and things are managable. I know it is incredibly difficult but try to think upon your immense struggle as not how much is in front of you but how much of it you have faught. You have come so far. It is so incredibly difficult and feels torturous. I will be thinking of you today as always, I hope you can post later on it is always good to hear from you.
well im not on a watch list thingey or something and have to see the early intervention team asap. B****KS dont want this
What are they cornish?not really to sure, they deal with people like me, well thats what i was told ::) i think its something to do with being psychotic, delusional and possible schizophrenic. well i knew i had clinical psychosis. now possibly having schizophrenic added to the list, well one more on a long list i suppose
Well at least you're not on a watch list
I guess you have to look at it that they're all things there to help you.hmm suppose so.
and what's the early intervention team?not really sure, just know there highly specialized with a few of my problems.
How are you feeling having not taken your anti-psych meds, or have you taken them now?
Good morning BladeRunner (and everyone else of course) :)
Yes I know the feeling well, as thought my brain is full of cotton wool or I 'm thinking through fog :(
Would like to hear from you munchroom, even if its just something quick
I was wondering about Depina yesterday, I did think about sending a pm but didnt want to cause problems with her husand :(
I havent seen Pete round for a while either
How are you lol? You are a twer of strength here but rarely say how you're feeling
I feel so low again. I just want my life back but that's not going to happen.
I feel so low again. I just want my life back but that's not going to happen.
Thankyou Lol and Zaf for your kind concern - I'm very up and down and exhausted, overwhelmed, wondering some days what the point to all of this struggle is? But I'm taking one day at a time and just trying to plod through it... I don't feel I have a lot to give though, if I post it'd just be a bit of a constant moan and everyone has so much they are going through, you don't want me adding to it.
Thinking of all of you, I hope you are doing ok xxx
have a moan as often as you need munchroom, thanks for posting to let us know how you are, hoping for improvement for you xx
Something I have done frequently. Is going back onmedication a good idea do you think?
Scared and shell shocked is how I feel. Alone and angry...my partner has been very cold and cruel today with his words and has ripped away all my hope.
had today and tomorrow off as im working nights again tonight. long story but im pissed off about it. tried to go shopping, failed, tried to go and see some one, failed, couldn't even bring my self to see my grandparents :(
feeling tired, going to have a nap, really wish i wouldn't wake up sometimes
had today and tomorrow off as im working nights again tonight. long story but im pissed off about it. tried to go shopping, failed, tried to go and see some one, failed, couldn't even bring my self to see my grandparents :(
feeling tired, going to have a nap, really wish i wouldn't wake up sometimes
i hope you get through it soon mate
i might be moving to your neck of the woods soon :) cant wait
had today and tomorrow off as im working nights again tonight. long story but im pissed off about it. tried to go shopping, failed, tried to go and see some one, failed, couldn't even bring my self to see my grandparents :(
feeling tired, going to have a nap, really wish i wouldn't wake up sometimes
i hope you get through it soon mate
i might be moving to your neck of the woods soon :) cant wait
thanks
bloody emmits invadeing cornwall ::)
ah what area are you moveing to. not that it matters because all of cornwall is awesome ;D
Alstare..Im doing a phd. But my motivation is at an all time low, so I often just lie in bed.
had today and tomorrow off as im working nights again tonight. long story but im pissed off about it. tried to go shopping, failed, tried to go and see some one, failed, couldn't even bring my self to see my grandparents :(
feeling tired, going to have a nap, really wish i wouldn't wake up sometimes
i hope you get through it soon mate
i might be moving to your neck of the woods soon :) cant wait
thanks
bloody emmits invadeing cornwall ::)
ah what area are you moveing to. not that it matters because all of cornwall is awesome ;D
ha ha iv been wanting to move there since i first went when i was 18 ha ha, and hopefully Launceston :)
Really regretting this night work and not takeing my anti psychotics because Of it, wont gO into what I'm seeing/ heAring. And feeling as its not something that ideally talk about as it scares people.
It's just hell for me, can't do this again, for once I think my health is going to come before work.
Really regretting this night work and not takeing my anti psychotics because Of it, wont gO into what I'm seeing/ heAring. And feeling as its not something that ideally talk about as it scares people.
It's just hell for me, can't do this again, for once I think my health is going to come before work.
Cornish if it helps to get it off your chest am sure you won't freak anyone out here. At least you seem to be able to distinguish between reality and hallucination.
Evening Stevie. Another late night for you?
I consider what most of you are going through and think all I do is moan about what is, at the moment, very slight, depression, and it makes me feel guilty
its very normal to have those symptoms as part of depression unfortunately, I'm on Citralopram and normally it improves the emotionless, tiredness and insomnia I suffer from but if you are at all worried please do go back to see your GP
As yet I haven't slept :-(
I've started feeling quite paranoid that the holiday is going to be a disaster, I cant keep it out of my mind that we are going to arrive to find it all locked up and no keyholder to be found - no idea why, perhaps becaus I'm looking forward to it so much?
I've started feeling quite paranoid that the holiday is going to be a disaster, I cant keep it out of my mind that we are going to arrive to find it all locked up and no keyholder to be found - no idea why, perhaps becaus I'm looking forward to it so much?
im sure it will all go fine my dear
well the chemist wouldn't give me all of my prescription because it is potentially dangerous to my health due to the dosages being so high but they would give me some of it. oh i was not happy, stayed calm and i just took what they would give me and walked out after saying i wasn't happy about it. going to call my gp tomorrow
I've started feeling quite paranoid that the holiday is going to be a disaster, I cant keep it out of my mind that we are going to arrive to find it all locked up and no keyholder to be found - no idea why, perhaps becaus I'm looking forward to it so much?
I'm sure it will but you know how our minds make up silly things ::)
that seems rather daft if the doctor has written out the prescription for that amount, dont blame you for being annoyed (and well done for not hitting the roof), I would have been really cross too >:(
I've started feeling quite paranoid that the holiday is going to be a disaster, I cant keep it out of my mind that we are going to arrive to find it all locked up and no keyholder to be found - no idea why, perhaps becaus I'm looking forward to it so much?
im sure it will all go fine my dear
well the chemist wouldn't give me all of my prescription because it is potentially dangerous to my health due to the dosages being so high but they would give me some of it. oh i was not happy, stayed calm and i just took what they would give me and walked out after saying i wasn't happy about it. going to call my gp tomorrow
Oh no Cornish this was something you didn't need today :(. The chemist doesn't necessarily know that you can be trusted wth such quantities or medication. It isn't personal. Others might not be as trustworthy as you. Any dispensing clinician has a duty of care regarding amounts and dosages that leave their/or others premises and due to a lot of red tape and countless instances of people abusing their own or other peoples medication, know to be vigelant as they could be perceived to be ultimately accountable if you abused it. I am a dispensing clinician and the amount of people thinking they know better or 'trying this and trying that' are so common and cause so many unforeseen problems to themselves and others that it really doesn't bare thinking about. There are also those who save up medication such as yours and sell them on the black market. More than you would imagine. The reception and advice you received is standard and not at all personal. In your case I can see that this was simply just something that is adding to your problems at the moment and this is very stressful for you, something you could really do without.
I can understand why you don't trust the NHS at the moment. However, I believe your psychocltherapist is NHS? If I haven't got that wrong, don't forget you respect and trust her, and she respects and cares and very much trusts you. You have definitely been wronged by the NHS, things that should never have happened. Agreed. You have received some good treatment and service though, not to mention your many prescriptions. You need and deserve the best and most attentive treatment available Cornish,. I wish you could get it. all I can do in the mean time is offer a friendly, understanding, BRAVE, non-jugdgemental ear if you should need one.
Hope your evening is OK. Post if you can. Take Care. Lol
Cornish I'm glad you can see it rationally now, and also see your own potential to abuse it! You are certainly one of the vigalent ones!!!! Now that you know the frequency to expect of going to the chemist it will feel different, but being told no when you least expect it brings out the temper in the best of people!
Guys I can see what you are saying about seeing NHS personnel privately feeling different, I'm so glad you are both seeing people you trust, however you are getting that. :)
Wonder if I'll manage to sleep tonight, spent most of day asleep so I doubt it. I need to sort.
It's privately through the solicitors and there really slow at getting things sorted
Question- what do you do when you lose all self confidence, what do you do when you cannot get out of bed in the morning, what do you do when you lose all interest in life, what do you do when even picking up a paint brush or taking a photograph becomes a struggle, what do you do when you realize that you cannot physically remember the last time you were happy?
smirfy
Question- what do you do when you lose all self confidence, what do you do when you cannot get out of bed in the morning, what do you do when you lose all interest in life, what do you do when even picking up a paint brush or taking a photograph becomes a struggle, what do you do when you realise that you cannot physically remember the last time you were happy?
smirfy
Question- what do you do when you lose all self confidence, what do you do when you cannot get out of bed in the morning, what do you do when you lose all interest in life, what do you do when even picking up a paint brush or taking a photograph becomes a struggle, what do you do when you realise that you cannot physically remember the last time you were happy?
smirfy
He offered to give you a kicking? What a prick. Sounds like someone needs whey protein putting in his tea.
Question- what do you do when you lose all self confidence, what do you do when you cannot get out of bed in the morning, what do you do when you lose all interest in life, what do you do when even picking up a paint brush or taking a photograph becomes a struggle, what do you do when you realise that you cannot physically remember the last time you were happy?
smirfy
Smirfy this is an awful way to feel. You are feeling really low and have no confidence or self esteem. It is so difficult to feal like this.
I think the advice you have had so far is exactly what you should do. Make sure a professional knows and try to talk about it as much as you can. You have felt like this before, and you have felt better, that means that you can and will feel better again.
Is there anything in particular that triggered this? How long have you been feeling like this? I'm really glad you came in here and told us. Please keep posting, I'm thinking of you and am here for support if it helps :)
Smirfy stress at uni must be a major factor. It is very frustrating to suffer from any kind of block and I sense that at the moment the stress is outweighing the benefits of your medication which is so difficult for you. Could you bring your GP appointment forward?
well today hasn't been the best, got told that i look like the grim reaper as i had a black hoodie on. the got told that having the hood up is like wearing a hat indoors and it rude. ive worn a hoodie to work every day for well since i left work, it was bloody cold in the workshop and i just feel safer when i have my hood up, it restricts my side view so and i dont see things out of the corner of my eye when its just a bit of black fabric there. but anyway back to my point, i lost it with the bloke who said about it, i know i shouldn't have but i was really not in the mood today and i cant see that im doing any harm having a hood up inside the workshop where virtually no one comes in, no customers ever come in and im alone for at least 75% of the day when im building control panels. ok ive gone off subject again. the bloke is a bit of a "£$%"£$%^& and just likes to cause problems for me, he started saying it was disrespectful and i should take the hood down and not be allowed to wear one and back in his day he would have given me a kicking, well i lost it then, well its not your time any more you stupid old £$^&£ its now my time and i dont really give a *£$%*&£ what you think so piss off. that set him off with young people being dis respectful. my response was think that a load of rubbish, i treat people how they treat me and just because your old it doesn't mean you automatically deserve respect, you have to gain it and you've done nothing to do that.
ok ive just gone into a rant and will stop now. im very tempted to just delete all of that as it makes me look bad, but i give people the respect they deserve and thats it, respect needs to be earned in my opinion and i have tried my best to get on with the bloke who causes a lot of problems for me at work but i lost all patience with him a while ago.
my boss has no problem with the hoodie and the hood or if im wearing a hat normally come off in the snack room or office and the boss is fine with that. well tomorrow im going to wear a hat and put the hood up while in the workshop, if he says anything the hood comes off and then i still have the hat. little bit of silent protest. will probably cause more problems but im too stubborn to just let it go and now i think the delusional of being karma is coming back again. starting thinking a lot about it again today, oh well he deserves it.
i was feeling crap before all of that too
What do you feel is going wrong at the moment Bladerunner?
Oh Munchroom that's a horrible way to feel. You sound exhausted. :( To releave your eyes, go to the chemist and ask for some natural tears; lacrilube, viscotears (these shouldn't be prescription as there is no medication on them, it's just a nice soothing, sterile, non-medicative, hypoallergenic lubricant that it suitable for eyes. Pop a couple of drops in each eye and close your eyes and feel the relief. Sometimes, because of their effects on the nervous system, antidepressants cause dry eyes, constipation and dry mouth. This might give you some relief.
What do you think about aromatherapy? What is the most relaxing envoronment you know?
I find that a high protein, high carbohydrate meal, hot shower/bath, light and gentle comedy on the TV, cuddle, tidy and nice smelling bedroom that has been oxygenated with the window open for a couple of hours helps for me.
Bit simplistic for mod-severe depression I know! But just as an example :-\
I'm sorry to hear it went so badly, hopefully you'll find something else but I do hope you will somehow be able to leave your current job beore your condition deteriorates.
I hope you dont mind me saying but from an outsider's view it seems your partner is blackmailing you to stay at work :(
well today hasn't been the best, got told that i look like the grim reaper as i had a black hoodie on. the got told that having the hood up is like wearing a hat indoors and it rude. ive worn a hoodie to work every day for well since i left work, it was bloody cold in the workshop and i just feel safer when i have my hood up, it restricts my side view so and i dont see things out of the corner of my eye when its just a bit of black fabric there. but anyway back to my point, i lost it with the bloke who said about it, i know i shouldn't have but i was really not in the mood today and i cant see that im doing any harm having a hood up inside the workshop where virtually no one comes in, no customers ever come in and im alone for at least 75% of the day when im building control panels. ok ive gone off subject again. the bloke is a bit of a "£$%"£$%^& and just likes to cause problems for me, he started saying it was disrespectful and i should take the hood down and not be allowed to wear one and back in his day he would have given me a kicking, well i lost it then, well its not your time any more you stupid old £$^&£ its now my time and i dont really give a *£$%*&£ what you think so piss off. that set him off with young people being dis respectful. my response was think that a load of rubbish, i treat people how they treat me and just because your old it doesn't mean you automatically deserve respect, you have to gain it and you've done nothing to do that.
ok ive just gone into a rant and will stop now. im very tempted to just delete all of that as it makes me look bad, but i give people the respect they deserve and thats it, respect needs to be earned in my opinion and i have tried my best to get on with the bloke who causes a lot of problems for me at work but i lost all patience with him a while ago.
my boss has no problem with the hoodie and the hood or if im wearing a hat normally come off in the snack room or office and the boss is fine with that. well tomorrow im going to wear a hat and put the hood up while in the workshop, if he says anything the hood comes off and then i still have the hat. little bit of silent protest. will probably cause more problems but im too stubborn to just let it go and now i think the delusional of being karma is coming back again. starting thinking a lot about it again today, oh well he deserves it.
i was feeling crap before all of that too
Some people will never like the fact that these days "hoodies" are very popular clothing, they see them as a symbol of crime and cannot accept that "normal" people wear them.
Next time try to be calm and tell him to take it up with his line manager, and smile - that will have far greater effect than getting wound up which is more than likely what his end game was in the first place.
Unless your employer tells you otherwise you are entitled to wear what you want - our company does not allow hoods simply for reasons of safety as fork lifts are driving around constantly and you need to be aware of your surroundings, but if this isnt an issue at your place of work then it shouldn't be a problem.
Good to hear you've both made a small improvement :)
Cornish, dig is right, smile and it irritates people immensely, much more than if you get angry with them (but incredibly difficult I know).
Last night I felt really anxious at the thought of going home on Sunday, it says a huge amount to me about the causes of my depression :(
Holykimura I'm sorry your approach was not well received, this was very disappointing for you and brought extra worry that your escape route was cordoned off! And by the person you had hoped would direct you towards it. I sense that for you to do something that would relieve the anxiety of your partner, it would increase your own. and you are the one suffering from depression and anxiety. This is a very concerning and dangerous to your health. I'm afraid I would agree with Zaf. We don't know your personal relationship so please put us right if necessary and we will totally stand corrected and relieved, but emotional blackmail should not feature here. Not at all. Your health is a priority and support is not only needed but absolutely essential. You partner anticipates difficulties that she is insinuating she will be attributing directly toward you. Your relatioship will suffer under this accusation of pressure and you will feel guilt that will prevent your recovery. If you continue you will be forced into that situation only worse and for longer. Your relationship will suffer here also. It is very important that she understands what you mean, but alas, that might be impossible if she has never suffered from depression herself. Please consider that literature I recommended before. It helps to understand that what you are saying effects as many people as, say, have diabetes or glaucoma! It is not somthing that you are imagining, it is a real illness.
......... nothing but wanting this all to end. one way or the other
......... nothing but wanting this all to end. one way or the otherHang in there.
Weghing up options sounds a bit ominous.:-\ !£$ :-\ :-X
Cornish.....I really hope you get through this.
In terms of intrusive thoughts, if you need any advice ask and I can help...I've had 28 years of it and I know how to deal with them and even stop them from happening. There is no need to talk about what the thoughts are, I have never told a single person what my intrusive thoughts are ever, but there are was to deal with them, and even elimnate them, even when it seems impossible.
They can be very distressing and make you think your a sicko. But there are methods to reduce them.
the laws have changed and hes not allowed to pay it off anymore.
just had a chat with munchroom, really helped. wont go into any details about what we chatted about but she basically guilt tripped me, bloody women ::)
I didn't set out to make it a guilt trip my love... Pleased our chat helped though, I meant every word x
Doublep.... It was what you felt was right at the time, don't beat yourself up over it. Feeling numb is a horrible side effect and it's very hard when that numbness starts to wear off, but it should start to even out soon. I think the feelings of not wanting to be around others and yet hating your own company it's very true of depression, I know it's something I certainly feel sometimes. x
I didn't set out to make it a guilt trip my love... Pleased our chat helped though, I meant every word x
Doublep.... It was what you felt was right at the time, don't beat yourself up over it. Feeling numb is a horrible side effect and it's very hard when that numbness starts to wear off, but it should start to even out soon. I think the feelings of not wanting to be around others and yet hating your own company it's very true of depression, I know it's something I certainly feel sometimes. x
I know you didn't my dear but that's probably the best way to get me to do something
Why ou so desperate to be off venlafaxine?
Well I got up yesterday for a whole 20 mins. Apart from that I spent all day and night in bed. It did however mean that I got up today at 10 feeling quite good and somewhat destressed.
I didn't set out to make it a guilt trip my love... Pleased our chat helped though, I meant every word x
Doublep.... It was what you felt was right at the time, don't beat yourself up over it. Feeling numb is a horrible side effect and it's very hard when that numbness starts to wear off, but it should start to even out soon. I think the feelings of not wanting to be around others and yet hating your own company it's very true of depression, I know it's something I certainly feel sometimes. x
I know you didn't my dear but that's probably the best way to get me to do something
I hope it was more of an encouragement not to do something? :-\
Not feeling massivley wonderful today.... I think its probably a culmination of things, magnified by the fact I havent taken any Venlafaxine since Friday, I'm so desperate to be off of the stuff!! Having a coffee with a friend later, so fingers crossed things perk up a bit.
How is everyone today? Alstare, how was yesterday after your mixed feelings on Saturday night??
xx
I didn't set out to make it a guilt trip my love... Pleased our chat helped though, I meant every word x
Doublep.... It was what you felt was right at the time, don't beat yourself up over it. Feeling numb is a horrible side effect and it's very hard when that numbness starts to wear off, but it should start to even out soon. I think the feelings of not wanting to be around others and yet hating your own company it's very true of depression, I know it's something I certainly feel sometimes. x
Cornish, thankyou. I was very moved by reading your post last night.
Please do not feel bad about not posting a lot. You are going through so much at the moment.... And those imbeciles at work are the last thing you need >:( If the ' NO' on your hand is making you think twice about doing more si then perhaps its a blessing in disguise.
Thinking of you lovely x
Is there somepne that could be with yohu for a while?
Could you find something to occupy yourself that will take your mind off things if you arent too tired?
Hello everybody!!! I'm back from my holiday and have had a fantastic, relaxing and frankly hillarious time. All the way through the week I have had fleeting thoughts about coming back home and they filled me with dread so I pushed them out of my mind and just allowed myself to feel happy for once (in over 6 months) but alas I have just come home and cried solidly for about 10 minutes whilst pushing a hoover around. Have arranged to be with people tonight, but the thought of having to eventually return to normal, in our house, with all our memories, alone, again, is frankly frightening and un ignorably sad. I feel really overwhelmed by the sadness again at the moment. I wonder if this will ever ever stop. I can't keep having people baby sit me all the time.
Have been thinking of you all, everyone seems to be keeping it together although I see it has been easier (or should I say less difficult) for some than others. We'll get there in time.
When is the assesment smirfy?
Hello everybody!!! I'm back from my holiday and have had a fantastic, relaxing and frankly hillarious time. All the way through the week I have had fleeting thoughts about coming back home and they filled me with dread so I pushed them out of my mind and just allowed myself to feel happy for once (in over 6 months) but alas I have just come home and cried solidly for about 10 minutes whilst pushing a hoover around. Have arranged to be with people tonight, but the thought of having to eventually return to normal, in our house, with all our memories, alone, again, is frankly frightening and un ignorably sad. I feel really overwhelmed by the sadness again at the moment. I wonder if this will ever ever stop. I can't keep having people baby sit me all the time.glad you had a really good time and I'm sure you left all your worries behind while on holiday! Sadly though we all have to come back to reality and face the things that we hate, are scared of, or frankly don't want do. But lol remember the happy feelings you had while you were on holiday and think to yourself I have felt happy if even only for a short time! Us people who suffers from this awful illness need to grasp what makes us feel good or when we feel better and cherish those times but also remind ourselves we will feel good again. And lol without sounding too much like a health worker think of all the positive things you've returned to, a roof over your head, a vaccum cleaner (some people can't afford one) a computer or device that you are able to communicate with friends on here :) its always hard having to come back after a break but keep in the back of your mind you'll feel good again soon. Oh and there is no need to wait to "get there" your already "there" just going through a tough time now and again but "there" will feel good again soon.
Have been thinking of you all, everyone seems to be keeping it together although I see it has been easier (or should I say less difficult) for some than others. We'll get there in time.
Exhausted and apathetic, ugh :(
Holykimura thanks very much for your supportive advice. How true. It is important that I remember all the blessings in my life. I have got stuck in a rut of 'I'm nothing without her' and I'm ashamed that I can't get out of it. All those things you have said I already know and I feel just awful for not being able to charge myself with those positive thoughts, but, as always, you have said the right thing at the right time. However much I can not do it for myself, there is always some one here who does it for me right when I need it. Thank you. I feel ashamed and weak that I can not get there for myself faster. I am not a wallower, and I have been through break ups before and successfully come out the other side. But I feel that I have never broken up with the absolute love of my life, the one I was supposed to be with forever, before and the utter disaster of it all floods my mind like the first time 20 times a day. I am aware that I sound really rather ridiculous, and I try not to say too much becuase, as I've said before, I am sure there are break up sites for this kind of stuff, it;s not really appropriate here. but thank you for your kind words. They are wise ideed.Hey lol, I'm sorry I didn't realise that you had split/lost from your partner, I'm sorry that must have been really hard for you. I'm not sure of the circumstances and I don't expect you to confide in me but all I can suggest from experience is time is a significant factor when it comes to losing a loved one. I see what you mean now about memories I guess you both lived in your current house which makes things even harder. Just take comfort from all that you can x
How are you coping at work at the moment? Does it help at all to know that after a certain amount of weeks a break will always be coming, or do you have to work through those anyway? How is your partner coping with her own depression and medication? You are both going through a difficult time together, with mutual understanding of the illness I can't imagine whether that makes things easier or harder? You sound a little more positive in your posts.
really fighting with my self, ive typed a few very long post only to deleted them before posting.
im scared, very low and very confused.
deleted most of this one too
really fighting with my self, ive typed a few very long post only to deleted them before posting.
im scared, very low and very confused.
deleted most of this one too
Hey munch
At the moment feeling much better. At the moment my biggest problem is finding something to do during tge day.
Hi. Officially depressed and on the jollop. I am so very very very disappointed that I have been so completely and utterly conned by some one I believed in totally and who insists on rubbing it in my face every minute of every day. I am so angry. So disappointed. So sad. So betrayed and so alone. I'm close to the bottom. I have been fighting this crash. It has been futile. The last 10 years of my life were futile.
I now just exist. I don't want to simply exist. I can't go along existing. I'm f*$^£d
just popping my head in. if your ever worried just look at the last online thing for me, im on here a LOT and i read virtually every post, i just find it very hard to post sometimes.
*edit
not even going to go into what ive been up to or how im feeling, i think im going to do what you suggested zaf.
Don't fewel like i can make it to the end of today.
I am not strong enough to do anything asbout it, but i looked at a boittle of tablets this morning and thety looked very appealing. I wouldnt do it, but how much more can i take?
Could you write to them instead cornish, also keep a copy for yourself.
Do you have a doctor's appointment soon?
Z xx
getting really frustrated with my self, i keep trying to open up on here but i know what i want to say will worry some of you, so i end up deleting it.
all of you mean a lot to me, more than anyone else in my life, you've kept me going for a long time now and i dont think i would have lasted this long without all the support ive gotten here and munchrooms help.
Cornish. You ok?
&*(:)
Thanks Zaf x Yes I have thought of starting a journal but I'm petrified of doing it. There is so much more troubling me that I have ever let on here (Cornish might kick my butt now!) but I can't bare the thought of writing it down. I am afraid of seeing it. That it would be frightening for me. That other people would look at it and think 'is that it?!' But I am disgusted with myself, the person I am fighting inside.
are you on your own Paul?
It is bad when you contemplate that P but that means you are not feeling good. When did you say you back to the doctors?
Im feeling worse as the time goes past. I need to go back to docs, but i am scared and worried for some reason. I dont feel as though they believe how i feel is genuine.
Cornish I take.it you rather be at work? Keeping.busy?
that's how I like to be, I'm thankful that I work mon-fri no.matter what (security) otherwise I'd go mad being off work. So I understand. Try keep.occupied mate.
Hey Zaf
Still bored but fairly stable otherwise for now. How are you tonight?
That's brilliant Alstare! I've not heard you sounding this positive for a long time!! Are you still seeing friends? What's your next step to tackle? You say you are bored, how are you feeling about maybe a hobby or a job?
Unfortunately I feel I have to keep busy even if I don't feel I have the energy to do so :-[
I'd enjoy doing that job! I hate this office based crap I have to do day to day ::)
Thought I had my day sorted thismorning then a friend wanted to make plans to do something, made plans - got ready. Friend phoned, changed plans. OK. Friend phoned again, changed plans again whilst telling me what was best for me.... :-X feeling compleltey stressed and all over the place now. cannot wait to go on holiday now!!
Maybe....its just hard.
My Mum cares for both my dad and Nan and she is poorl.y herself at the moment. Even so, i know she would still prefer to know, but i dont want to put anymore on her. Feel guilty. She just worries
What are you angry about Chilli?My kids playing up. Plus went out for a christmas meal this evening, they hardly ate any of the food, and me being depressed it just annoyed me. Daft isnt it, cant help it tho its just the way I feel sometimes! Feel better now tho.
I understand Chilli,...I work with children and if i am having a low day then lots of things they do can irritate me, more than usual, thats natural!! Bujt am very glad you are feeling a little better now.,...
:(
:(
I guess its really tough atm cornish, when can you get back to work?
:(
I guess its really tough atm cornish, when can you get back to work?
3rd
:(
:(
:'( &*(
Oh I'm so sorry Cornish that sounds like it should have been an excellent day to look forward to not to dread, I bet you have really enjoyed these days in the past. I'm glad you enjoyed some of it, but it was such a disappointment that it was more than you could handle. It was a really long day too :( What did the pigs say?
Cornish, you sounded like you did well even if you didn't drive the landy as much as you liked.
I've overcooked myself over the last 4 days.
Alot of downer time now.
Doctors and psychology department tomorrow woop.
Strange. Feel like i want/need to move on,but sacred and worried about letting go of the past !!&*(
Strange. Feel like i want/need to move on,but sacred and worried about letting go of the past !!
Went on a date with her today. It was awesome.
Went on a date with her today. It was awesome.
Went on a date with her today. It was awesome.
Awww Alstare! Mate! What happened?.... ;D
That sounds great ;D good date venu, and a kiss and a cuddle's always good :-* %$% So pleased for you :)
I miss a cuddle.
and a kiss.
and cafe rouge.
hmmmmph :(
Went on a date with her today. It was awesome.
Awww Alstare! Mate! What happened?.... ;D
Just had a really nice time, went for a meal at Cafe Rouge which was lovely and then had a bit of a kiss and cuddle for a while
That sounds great ;D good date venu, and a kiss and a cuddle's always good :-* %$% So pleased for you :)
I miss a cuddle.
and a kiss.
and cafe rouge.
hmmmmph :(
In a way that my life today was normal, no tension or stress around doing normal, everyday things!
Thanks Cornish. How's things with you?
She is a very cool machine Cornish! :o Looks like she would throw you around a bit ;D Sounds like a cool day.
I'm doing my best with that lol, every time it pops into my mind I try to send it away as soon as I can so at least I'm not dwelling on or worrying about anything work-related, I have every intention to banish it from my mind as much as possible when I'm not actually in the office
It works for me lol and sometimes its the only way I can get unpleasant chores done, even when I'm not depressed ::)
It may depend on what time I get up! Probably a sort of casserole type dish with green lentils and braised squash (we're all veggie or vegan) and/or some home made bread, I know one person will be taking a spicy paneer dish and rice and my elderly friends a couple of sweet dishes but no idea what everyone else will take but it usually works out OK and we have enough for everyone (usually 8 - 15 ish).
Thanks cornish, I feel comfortable with these people as most of them know about my illness and they are all very kind :)
Feeling sorry 4 myself 2 day. I hate the way i go up and down from day to day!
What are you angry about Chilli?My kids playing up. Plus went out for a christmas meal this evening, they hardly ate any of the food, and me being depressed it just annoyed me. Daft isnt it, cant help it tho its just the way I feel sometimes! Feel better now tho.
Im feeling things will never get better :'(
All my muscles ache and I feel unmotivated and miserable
Sorry to hear that Zaf your poor animals. :( I hope they feel calmer today and your sleep pattern isn't disturbed too much.
There is one part of my life which is just totally amazing at the moment, so much so i am struggling to believe it is happening.
Thanx for the link zaf. How long have you used one? Do you think it works??
Haha lol!!! That would be the miracle conception!!
I cant elaborate on what is happening at the moment but it is amazing! Maybe one day i can share it with you xx
Excuse me but since when have myelf and Cornish been licking each others ears?? I am not aware of this? !! :oI'm sure you do.
Excuse me but since when have myelf and Cornish been licking each others ears?? I am not aware of this? !! :oI'm sure you do.
Is it Cornish and zaff then?
Ear licking conversation, ewwww :P
Lol - apologies for not seeing your post
I feel unmotivated all the time, it's so easy to waste hours on end in front of the tv or on the Internet
I go back to school the day after tomorrow and I still need to do my homework
I think I need to start adjusting my sleeping pattern as well, at the moment i'm not sleeping until 2am and I'm waking up at 10am
Is it Cornish and zaff then?
no its just me doing it to everyone, im well up for licking people, all you gotta do is ask. or not ask and just end up with one anyway :D
Hi sorry I disappeared, Hubby got up so had a good cry on his shoulder. He is very good and takes over when I am like this, just get so angry as I want to do it myself.
We went for a walk, just a short one and it was hard going and cryed most of the way. But at least I have done it.
Just taken a Clonazapan (spelling) have some from when I was under the Pdoc with the mental health team. Its just to see me through until I can see dr tomorrow. My sister is coming with me. Hubby said he would come but its his first day back at work after Xmas break. Just need someone with me as knowing me I will not be able to speak for crying. Hopefully will be put back on Duloxetine as they seemed to be the only ones that helped last time, tried so many anti-depressants.
Thanx again for being there to listen and offer suppport.
Sharon x x
Yeah I think I'm going to call my gp
Got an emergency appointment tomorow.
There is no way I should have come back to work, if I didn't have the job I'm currently working on then I wouldn't cope, I'm still feeling the affects of the O.D. and I'm actually starting to considering medical help but really struggling with the decision
Beginning to feel down now I'm back at work, need to really give myself a kick up the proverbial :-\
Worthless, grey, hopless
Well done Cornish xx
Zaf, today was always going to be a downer - is there anything you can look forward to later? Xx
Got an emergency appointment tomorow.
Proud of you :) &*(
me too &*(
There is no way I should have come back to work, if I didn't have the job I'm currently working on then I wouldn't cope, I'm still feeling the affects of the O.D. and I'm actually starting to considering medical help but really struggling with the decision
It is the right decision Cornish. Well done. You have thought about this and been very brave with your decision I am so very proud of you. This is what you need and it is the way to help yourself. Well done mate. :)
Cornish - you have had me in a few bouts of tears over the last few days, so think of those ones as payback! :P
Thinking of you xx
Cornish - if I didn't care about you, if we didn't care about you then we would all be robots - and what good is a support site than consits wholly of robots?
You are making staps forward in a huge way, that means the world to me xx
Cornish - if I didn't care about you, if we didn't care about you then we would all be robots - and what good is a support site than consits wholly of robots?
You are making staps forward in a huge way, that means the world to me xx
my dear that wasn't any reference to me, it was in reference to something else
i do have my suspicions that lol might be a robot though :P
Cornish - if I didn't care about you, if we didn't care about you then we would all be robots - and what good is a support site than consits wholly of robots?
You are making staps forward in a huge way, that means the world to me xx
my dear that wasn't any reference to me, it was in reference to something else
i do have my suspicions that lol might be a robot though :P
Erm???????????????
Cornish - if I didn't care about you, if we didn't care about you then we would all be robots - and what good is a support site than consits wholly of robots?
You are making staps forward in a huge way, that means the world to me xx
my dear that wasn't any reference to me, it was in reference to something else
i do have my suspicions that lol might be a robot though :P
Erm???????????????
is that like an electronic robot sort of noise ??
The wind is making me feel irritible but otherwise not too bad
I dont think I'd be too keen to go out there either :o
I dont think I'd be too keen to go out there either :o
Nobody from the "big company" (dont wanna say incase it comes up in search results lol) running the site has asked me to go out yet, but I'll palm it off on my medication, the site medic is aware and will back me up :D
Tired, unmotivated, a kind of niggiling anger and annoyance :-\
Tired, unmotivated, a kind of niggiling anger and annoyance :-\
Really annoyed! I spoke to my head of year today like my doctor asked me to about having counselling. I told her that they doctor said it would be very difficult for me to be accepted anywhere if I haven't been through the school system first.
My head of year showed me an email she had got when she asked if I could have the counselling and it said that as my doctor made the diagnosis she has to give me the treatment and not the school. I tried to explain to her that I hadn't had an official diagnosis yet , apparently my form tutor had told her that I had. Tutor caused me so much grief last year and I wish I had never told her, she even discussed my problems with another student! Now she has gone and given inaccurate information and I have got to sort it all out! I think I am actually going to kill her tomorrow!! "£$
It looks like I am never going to get any treatment , its just something else for me to worry about and keep me awake :(
Tired, unmotivated, a kind of niggiling anger and annoyance :-\
I'm sorry to hear that Munch. Is there anything in particular that you are angry/annoyed at? or is it just general and all consuming? Both are bad!!!
I like your new personal icon. Is it one of your own creations? It's gorgeous.
I too am feeling angry and annoyed (the general and the specific type), but I think they are misplaced emotions. Sadness, as always, is the forefront.
&*(
Did you manage to get any rest today? xx
Really annoyed! I spoke to my head of year today like my doctor asked me to about having counselling. I told her that they doctor said it would be very difficult for me to be accepted anywhere if I haven't been through the school system first.
My head of year showed me an email she had got when she asked if I could have the counselling and it said that as my doctor made the diagnosis she has to give me the treatment and not the school. I tried to explain to her that I hadn't had an official diagnosis yet , apparently my form tutor had told her that I had. Tutor caused me so much grief last year and I wish I had never told her, she even discussed my problems with another student! Now she has gone and given inaccurate information and I have got to sort it all out! I think I am actually going to kill her tomorrow!! "£$
It looks like I am never going to get any treatment , its just something else for me to worry about and keep me awake :(
Spunds to me everyone is trying to pass the buck >:(
Do you think you could get a letter from your GP saying she wants the school to sort some counselling?
This Peter thing. Is it making you worse not having him in your life physically?
Oh munchroom &*( while I can understand your feelings there really is no reason to be annoyed for yourself for being ill.
Thinking of you xx
*(* to you munch
i like your new pic too but for some reason i can see mr hanky the christmas poo dancing around in it and im laughing like a fool at something thats not real again.
I have had a couple of PMs and i want to write on some of my posts, but feel too tired to do it. But that seems unfair to the people who have taken time for me.
Going to take some painkillers (I know I shouldn't but I am generally in pain) and go to bed. Still really tired and lacking proper sleep, makes me very stressy which isn't that good. :/ But one day left and then its the weekend.
Munchroom, I was reading your posts from earlier and I am so sorry :( I'm not very good at giving advice so I would just like to say I'm thinking of you and I hope you feel better soon xx
*(* to you munch
i like your new pic too but for some reason i can see mr hanky the christmas poo dancing around in it and im laughing like a fool at something thats not real again.
I didn't realise Mr Hanky was a Christmas poo Cornish? And I can't believe either of us have just said these sentences.
Are you back on your meds yet? What did the Doc say?
Strange....
Im feeling ok, but i feel about bad about this forum. I have had a couple of PMs and i want to write on some of my posts, but feel too tired to do it. But that seems unfair to the people who have taken time for me.
I think its just been a busy week being back at work, still not sleeping brilliantly and head is whirring with everything going on at the moment. Which is the annoying thing, because i know it would help me to go my thoughts and feelings down.
Maybe on the weekend when i am maybe not so tied i will manage to post...
Raaaaargh "£$
That is all.
Strange....
Im feeling ok, but i feel about bad about this forum. I have had a couple of PMs and i want to write on some of my posts, but feel too tired to do it. But that seems unfair to the people who have taken time for me.
I think its just been a busy week being back at work, still not sleeping brilliantly and head is whirring with everything going on at the moment. Which is the annoying thing, because i know it would help me to go my thoughts and feelings down.
Maybe on the weekend when i am maybe not so tied i will manage to post...
Its often the way when we go back to work Holykimura and all those expensive sounding problems with your cars wont help :(
I hope you feel better soon xx
Extremely tired and I have had enough, I just want to curl up in bed and cry really :'(
Extremely tired and I have had enough, I just want to curl up in bed and cry really :'(
Lol &*( You are such a great support to others - especially me at the moment! But please let us support you too. Is there anything that has triggered this wave of sadness today, or is it as you described yesterday? Xx
Lol, I'm really sorry your going through such a rough time. I hope things start to improve for you and you feel better soon xx hugs to you xxx
No it makes sense. A lot of things make sense, but I can't take them sufficiently on board to make sense OF THIS!?!?!?!?! now THAT doens't make sense. Tell me why I can't do that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????????????????????????????
Grief and hurt can last a dreadfuly long time for some people or in some circumstances, unfortunately hope can too in my experience, even for some inexplicable reason where there really shouldnt be any hope of a situation changing :(
All I know it does usually fade in time or an event happen to cause that hope to die and to be honest it can be hell waiting for this to happen, I wish I could say something more positive but I wouldnt be telling the truth.
Is there a friend you could go to see for a while?
Is there a friend you could go to see for a while?
I'm at a friends now. will have to go soon tho, I'll try do something
It was, and for my friends and family :(
If he sore throat doesnt get better I've got a really brilliant and easy recipe for caromom syrup, it always works for me, if you want the instructions let me know! xx
love the new pic icelolly
still stuck in a bad way but for the first time in a VERY long time i cooked something and had a almost proper meal. only a very very small jacket potato. used to love a nice crispy one, i sat in front of the oven for well over an hour being paranoid about burning it. dont think ill be doing that again for a little while as it put my anxiety through the roof.
still pretty down from last night, i miss me ex very much, only from i found out she was with some1else if she was here now i would probably ignore her and not want her to be. im going out with my friends today, i might just get pissed and worry about it tomarrow. what ya reckon ??
I am feeling very down today, didn't get a great night sleep. I have been tearful all morning. I was at my nephews birthday party and found the social interaction with my sisters friends unbearable. I had to leave because some of the conversations were upsetting me and I ended up in tears at home. My partner is worried for me, my sister rang and we spoke about why I left. They are both encouraging me to keep up with normal events, but I have no drive or energy to do anything today, they both understand. I have a loss of appetite, just feel like comfort eating, feel I have no patience around my boys. So have had to take extra diazepam today :( hope you all are having better days than me
Cornish well done with the spud mate sounds yum. You make a good cous cous don't you? Could do that?
Holykimura that sounded like a rather a traumatic event I'm sorry you went through that and had to leave but it sounds like that was the right thing. You are feeling the after effetcs of it now and it's really good that you have recognised this and taken the necessary action. I hope you feel better soon.
Cornish well done with the spud mate sounds yum. You make a good cous cous don't you? Could do that?
Holykimura that sounded like a rather a traumatic event I'm sorry you went through that and had to leave but it sounds like that was the right thing. You are feeling the after effetcs of it now and it's really good that you have recognised this and taken the necessary action. I hope you feel better soon.
i dont really see cous cous as cooking, its so simple n easy and i never really make much and its not really a meal is it
:'(
:'(
do you have a tank for them with all the gravel and weeds and stuff?
do you have a tank for them with all the gravel and weeds and stuff?
Yes I do, they have a nice little tank with a filter, red gravel, plants and a castle :)
Finally got my Latin quotes sorted out for 2 tattoos down my ribs. Looking forward to that, find them so relaxing!!
Bit tearful, thinking about everything that is going on next week. I have mock exams most days and I have done no revision. I need to sort out counselling because no one else wiil. If my parents find out about it I am going to have some serious explaining to do. I just don't think I can do it :(
Feel low today. Had a bad day with partner, bickering. Havent done half the jobs i needed to do. And have the pleasure of another day of marking books all day tomorrow. My own fault, i need to cqatch up with it all. But not sure i can manage feeling like this.
Can you believe, i have never noticed the 'more' word before!!! Dumb blonde alert!!!
I find making desicions hard. And i do think that my depression impairs that. I have recently made a big desicion, just need to carry it through and that is proving hard. I know it is the right desicion, but what will follow will be very new to me and i am scared!
I guess that making a wrong desicion is a risk, but i guess we need to try to learn from them and move on. Easy to say, not so easy to do i am sure.
%$% i found the 'more' button...
&*( to make you feel better and ...
*(* just cos you seem to like it! xx
*(*
try the work and reward system and see if that helps xx
I know what you mean, that does sort of work for me too.
Just cant do life anymore. :'(
:'( :'( :'(
Punched a cushion for a bit.
Have an overwhelming feeling to hurt myself in some way.
Punched a cushion for a bit.
Have an overwhelming feeling to hurt myself in some way.
Squeeze an ice cube tight in each hand for as long as you can bare it.
I'm not surprised it was a trigger for you Holykimura :(
Even though I dont have children I know the feeling, sometimes the dogs really get on my nerves when I'm feeling low and I find it very difficult not to yell at them but I know its not their fault as they dont know I'm not feeling my usual self
Yes, thats the best way, even take every hour as it comes can be the best way, hope you feel better very soon xx
Im ont feeling very good today so called in sick, I didn't feel I could face the day. My OH is supportive but I don't know how to tell her that I don't feel like going in all week :( I have been taking lots of diazepam just to get me through the day :( I just don't feel like I can cope without it. My OH is understandably annoyed at the situation, and I know she's going to try and push me to go to work later this week. All I feel like doing is going back into bed and telling her to get on and pretend I'm not here :( hope you all are having a better day than me x
insomnia is a curse :( have you anything you can take to get you off to sleep?
insomnia is a curse :( have you anything you can take to get you off to sleep?
Hey there. An overdose is a horrible thing, luckily that's not a fatal dose, but depending on your tolerance to them and how long you've been takeing them you may feel absolutely horrific for a little while.
From experience of my failed overdoses it's the horrific aftermath of it when it's not lethal, you can do some serious permanent damage and be in horrific pain for a while
If the doctor has given you a sick note you need to take that time off as he thinks you need to do so, in fact I think once you've been signed off you arent allowed back to work for H&S reasons.
Try to accept you need to rest and take time off to start to feel better and if you possibly can to stop worrying xx
I wish my doctor would sign me off school. FOREVER. I don't think they can even sign you off school can they?
I have tow coursework deadlines and two mocks tomorrow, I'm nowhere near done on the coursework and I haven't revised. I'm going to be in so much trouble and I am really worried about why they are doing all these blood tests. :'(
I can understand your concern Holykimura but what if you were off sick because you had a broken leg or a chest infection etc? An employer shouldnt be able to withold references because you are ill and depression is an illness, I'd be very surprised if they would be allowed to say why you were off sick either.
It might be worth getting in contact with the CAB if you are worried about that aspect of things or perhaps a union associated with your profession.
Good to hear you are feeling better :) and I'm pleased to say I ave been too the last couple of days xx
Thanks Holykimur, and don't feel bad or anything about having time off work. Your doctor thinks you need it, you don't need to prove yourself. Your are strong and you can get through this xx
I can understand your concern Holykimura but what if you were off sick because you had a broken leg or a chest infection etc? An employer shouldnt be able to withold references because you are ill and depression is an illness, I'd be very surprised if they would be allowed to say why you were off sick either.
It might be worth getting in contact with the CAB if you are worried about that aspect of things or perhaps a union associated with your profession.
Good to hear you are feeling better :) and I'm pleased to say I ave been too the last couple of days xx
Knowing what the rules are etc ought to help a lot Holykimura, it will be easier to make decisions if nothing else xx
Thanks zaf I have emailed my union and will ask, also will call CABThanks Holykimur, and don't feel bad or anything about having time off work. Your doctor thinks you need it, you don't need to prove yourself. Your are strong and you can get through this xx
Thanks icelolly x
In two minutes they can't have listened very hard to what you were saying can they?
I know they let people have them cause my friend works at the pharmacy next door!!
Am I a risk? Lol
I might try for private counselling. I just haven't got any money at all, I don't work or anything as I am still at school. My doctor did say that we will get it sorted and my head of year/house said that the school will try and support me in every that they can.
doublep, they wouldn't let me have sleeping tablets either :(
I think I am going to find somewhere else to sleep tonight (well I won't sleep but hey) last night in the 3 hours that I was asleep I went sleepwalking. I emptied the contents of the wardrobe draws onto the floor and left it open. When I was going back to bed I must have walked straight into the open draw and I have grazed and cut all my ankle :( I tend to sleep walk a lot, its often related to what I dream about too. I once dreamt about a cave and woke up under the bed, I had a dream I was a spider and woke up in the bath. It would prbably be funny if I wasn't feeling so crap all the time x
Physically yuk, mentally reasonably positive :)
Physically yuk, mentally reasonably positive :)
that's the best you could hope for! Well done! :)
Going for some healing with a friend of mine at 2, so that should lovely and relaxing.
Hope everyone is doing ok today.
S x
I wouldnt mind hallucinations if they were scantily clad nubile young men....
Do you think it could be that if you go to hospital yourself its voluntary and if you were sectioned its been taken out of your hands?
Try to take it a day at a time if you can xx
Do you think it could be that if you go to hospital yourself its voluntary and if you were sectioned its been taken out of your hands?
Try to take it a day at a time if you can xx
well that is one of my fears yes, the thought of having no control over my own life is very scary although that is pretty much how I feel at the moment anyway.
I am also scared about how my family would react to me being in hospital as they don't know how bad things have got, when I talk to them I lie and say everything is brilliant, fine and dandy and when I am at home I try my hardest to act normal (they just think I sleep too much)
also Im right in the middle of my final year of uni so being sectioned would destroy everything I have worked for, my parents would loose their deposit and all the money they pay towards me being at uni would be for nothing.
don't feel guilty about feeling grotty I know how it can affect your mood when you're not feeling well, and aching all over. take some time for yourself and work on getting yourself better. I find taking long hot steamy baths with vix or something really helps.
hope you are feeling better soon zaf :)
Eugh, cold getting worse :(
Do you think it could be that if you go to hospital yourself its voluntary and if you were sectioned its been taken out of your hands?
Try to take it a day at a time if you can xx
well that is one of my fears yes, the thought of having no control over my own life is very scary although that is pretty much how I feel at the moment anyway.
I am also scared about how my family would react to me being in hospital as they don't know how bad things have got, when I talk to them I lie and say everything is brilliant, fine and dandy and when I am at home I try my hardest to act normal (they just think I sleep too much)
also Im right in the middle of my final year of uni so being sectioned would destroy everything I have worked for, my parents would loose their deposit and all the money they pay towards me being at uni would be for nothing.
don't feel guilty about feeling grotty I know how it can affect your mood when you're not feeling well, and aching all over. take some time for yourself and work on getting yourself better. I find taking long hot steamy baths with vix or something really helps.
hope you are feeling better soon zaf :)
It would scare me too to a certain extent but on the other hand I think it would feel nice to let other people take control so I didnt have to fight and struggle any more.
Is it worth telling your parents a tiny bit of the truth to prepare them in case you do need to go to hospital?
Where uni is concerned would they not accept a doctor's certificate and hold your position open till you were better? What would they do for a student that perhaps had a car accident and was off for months - surely they cant discriminate between illness and mental illness?
Z xx
Do you think it could be that if you go to hospital yourself its voluntary and if you were sectioned its been taken out of your hands?
Try to take it a day at a time if you can xx
well that is one of my fears yes, the thought of having no control over my own life is very scary although that is pretty much how I feel at the moment anyway.
I am also scared about how my family would react to me being in hospital as they don't know how bad things have got, when I talk to them I lie and say everything is brilliant, fine and dandy and when I am at home I try my hardest to act normal (they just think I sleep too much)
also Im right in the middle of my final year of uni so being sectioned would destroy everything I have worked for, my parents would loose their deposit and all the money they pay towards me being at uni would be for nothing.
don't feel guilty about feeling grotty I know how it can affect your mood when you're not feeling well, and aching all over. take some time for yourself and work on getting yourself better. I find taking long hot steamy baths with vix or something really helps.
hope you are feeling better soon zaf :)
It would scare me too to a certain extent but on the other hand I think it would feel nice to let other people take control so I didnt have to fight and struggle any more.
Is it worth telling your parents a tiny bit of the truth to prepare them in case you do need to go to hospital?
Where uni is concerned would they not accept a doctor's certificate and hold your position open till you were better? What would they do for a student that perhaps had a car accident and was off for months - surely they cant discriminate between illness and mental illness?
Z xx
well I suppose uni would keep my place open and as you say they can't discriminate between illness.
I suppose the reason I am so reluctant to tell my family how I feel is because I fear their reaction, it took me so long to tell them about my depression and my bulimia and their reaction to that wasn't good so I fear what they would say if I was to tell them I needed to go into hospital. It would end everything and there is no way my parents would let me have my freedom once I got out and let me go back to uni they would be constantly looking over my shoulder and never leaving me alone.
I am sorry about complaining it really must seem like I have so much going for me and like im acting like a spoilt brat. I don't mean for it to come across like that and I am well aware that I could be so much worse off.
smirfy
Physically effing awful to be honest, havent felt this ill for at least a couple of years, surprised and pleased the depression hasnt returned so far and that rating is still probably a 5
Thats horrid, will you be able to nap a bit today to catch up with some sleep?
I'm sorry cornish, its so horrible when you don't get any proper sleep. :(
As for me, I had an ok nights sleep, I still feel really tired tho. I seem to ache all over a lot recently, and I feel very cold and stiff. :(
the mental health team called my house phone. i said never do that. really pissed off about that, i cant answer the phone anymore but mother did and just passed the phone to me. didn't enjoy the call one bit, actually it made me feel a dam sight worse and then i was pressurized into calling my cpn tomorrow. really worked up now. really dont want to call them, he will call me in the afternoon though, gotta build up to answering that call.
about to knock my self out with a load of meds. good night people.
Yeah, my whole body hurts so much. I look like death warmed up too and I have to go to school :(
Go to speak to somebody at school and put a complaint in about threatening and abusive behaviour towards you
Try not let iit get to you so much :)
Feeling sad and low today BUT had a good conversation on skype with an American student who is an adoptee. She is doing a dissitaton (sp) on abuse and women but wanted to include a bit on how adoption has changed since the BSE (baby scoop era) and if it is better these days. According to the 'official BSE' lasted from post (2nd) world war to 1973 with Roe v Wade which helped legalize abortions in the USA. In fact coerced adoptions still go on "£"
I am not doing or participting in any ear licking Ezel!!!!
&*( just a cuddle from me lol, im not really one for ear licking either :)
*(* *(* *(* *(* *(* *(* *(* *(* *(*YEAAAAAH BABY LAY IT OOOOOOOOWWWNNN ME!!!!!!!! ;D
&*( for you icelolly, its hard work pretending everything is ok, I have done it too. We say we are ok and screaming inside.
S x
Zaf, you cant be strong all the time. You expend so much time helping others on the forum and now you are feeling a bit low yourself its time to step back and look after you. I hope you can find time to rest - nice bath, cuppa tea or hot squash and feet up ;) I will be thinking of you and hope tomorrow is kinder to you.
My thoughts are with you all. Take care.
Yes I do and I am ok when sitting or lying down. I just am terrible when it comes to giving myself time. I see things need doing and want to to them. Half the problem for being the way I am. There is no pressure to do things in the house, Craig wouldn't mind if I did nothing and he is very good and will help, but I am such a perfectionist and like to do it myself. Crazy. I know I should learn. But its hard.
S x
I just found out that we won't be free until aboit half 7 tomorrow evening so I won't be able to answer any calls. That's another one of my plans down the drain >:(
I have lots of sweets and buiscuits and stuff so I won't starve but its still going to be disgusting having to sit there and look at it.
Yeah if I cry I will say that its because I don't feel well. That probably won't be a lie either, I feel sick now just thinking about how horrible its going to be :(
Its good you could speak to your mum Smirfy, do you knw why she is so against medication?
I feel very tired this morning, I have a splitting headache and this damned cold is still hanging on making me feel grotty, I think I can feel the numb feelings beginning to return so I must step back a wee bit and nurture myself as I dont want to slide back into depression
Hang on in there supportme &*(
Rebel Ian ~ I wish I could say I'm okay but have just come back from the minor injuries unit. We dropped a laptop back to a friend and it was like an ice rink by his front door and I went flying with me ending up with a badly sprained ankle $%^
I feel nothing
Lol I am glad you posted
Zaf I hope you are ok.
Everyone else remember we only have to live for the moment tomorrow can take care of itself
I can only relate to the depressed side of things smirfy, If I had to write the letter I'd tell them about the crushing tiredness, the way it makes me feel like I have a head full of cotton wool and cant think straight or concentrate, how the anxiety makes me only able to focus on whatever is making me anxious to the exclusion of most or all other things, how I find no pleasure in the things I have previously loved doing and at times feel everything I do is wrong or pointless.
If you relate to any of those things then I'd suggest you put them in your letter and add anything else that affects your studies
Z xx
no one to talk to and im not takeing my meds properly, stopped my anti psychotics and im suffering for it but i had to stop them till sunday
No one came a found me today, so much for it all being sorted by the end of the week >:(
Dont believe the guilt trip i just had when i phoned work about next week. I cant stop crying. Hate bein alive&*(
And I have finally come to the conclusion that I don't fit in anywhere, I will always be pushed out. I am not good enough for anyone either :'(
Feeling really sad and guilty tonight. Feel like I could just cry.
Thanks cornish and Glen, its just so difficult when you have to sit and watch people who are so selfish and horrible get everything they want, and everyone else thinks they are wonderful but only you seem to see the dark side. :(Life in a nutshell Im afraid. It wont be the last time you see that happen. All you can do is worry about you and your own and let them get on with it. if you believe in Karma, it will come back to them eventually ;)
I feel broken today. :'(:( Message sent.
I feel broken today. :'(
Has something triggered these feelings Ian?
Can I just ask a quick question ?I can only make an educated guess at this.
I have had an assessment and was told that CBT will not work for me because my problems are due to external issues (not sure what they mean) but have been referred for face to face counselling .
Why wont CBT work ?
Can I just ask a quick question ?I can only make an educated guess at this.
I have had an assessment and was told that CBT will not work for me because my problems are due to external issues (not sure what they mean) but have been referred for face to face counselling .
Why wont CBT work ?
CBT tends to work on your moods and feelings and how to remove one or two links in a viscious chain that makes you feel depressed.
If the main cause of your low mood is something beyond your control (somebody making your life miserable or a repeating event that you cant change) then CBT will have little impact. It works at trying to change the way you think and see things and tries to teach you coping mechanisms so that you can alter how you cope with your feelings. If these feelings are being caused by a repeating external influence that cant be changed the therapy wont be as effective as talking to someone about the situation on a more regular basis like a councilor.
I think thats why, but again Im no proffesional.
to all those who need them &*(
Glad you are feeling more positive Zaf.
Will try and will the sunshine over to the next county for you :). Only just broke out here so hopefully its coming your way.
S x
Went and saw my head of year today, got so angry about the rumours and having waited so long for an answer about the counselling. I cried the whole time I was in there, all got a bit too much. Basically the school can't provide me with any counselling, it have to be done through the doctor. The school is writing to my doctor to tell her this so I guess I will just have to wait :(
Why does everything go wrong?! :'(
Can I drink with prozac, oh heck I don't very much care I'm going to drink myself into oblivion tonight
I'll try my best, if its sunny here will blow it your way ;D.
How are you feeling now?
S x
Can I drink with prozac, oh heck I don't very much care I'm going to drink myself into oblivion tonight
I used to smirfy but its not the best of ideas however attractive it seems :(
Slightly better today, the sunshine helps a bit I think :)I know it helps me. :)
I will try very hard Zaf :) and I promise I will rest after I have done the bits I need to do :).
S x
Please dont worry smirfy, we all say things sometimes that we regret afterwards, its one of the symptoms of this horrible illness :(
I guess as I was verging on alcoholism a few years ago I tend to preach a bit :-\
Thats swful woozywoo, I find reading a good novel helps sometimes xx
Sorry to hear you feel bad again smirfy, can we help at all? xx
Had a bit of an odd conversation with my mum. I said "I'm going to ask head of year if I can change forms because I hate mine" and she said "tell her that your form tutor is part of your problems" so I said " what do you mean problems" and she said " well you know, they think you have problems don't they?" If she does know that there is something wrong with me why can't she just say it rather than being all cryptic about it?! Makes me cross x
I feel frightened today. :'(&*(
I don't want to do it anymore. I want to throw in the towel :'(
I am laying here now I am thinking about self harm. I think about it a lot but I have only ever done it once. I have tried several times since then but it can never make myself bleed. Even now I still have times often when I really want to hurt myself but I am too scared of hurting myself now, I do not have the energy to go through with it, I find it so hard to do. My doctor does know that I have thought about doing it but not that I actually have done it once.
I don't really know what this means, does it mean that my depression is not that bad? I don't really understand it much and I haven't spoken about it with anyone except my doctor and even then I wasn't exactly honest.
Worst day for a very long time :-[*(*
Thank you for everyone's reply. I have always had these thoughts, these insecurities. I must have been suffering with depression even before I had anorexia (6 years ago).
I have a CBT telephone consultation tomorrow morning, 9.10am, then seeing my gp in the afternoon, to get another certificate. I can't work. I haven't been offered a counsellor or anyone to talk to. I did see a private lady before, my ex boyfriend paid, but that went wrong.
I don't want to call anyone and tell them I want to die.
Why would I want anyone to hear me say it. It was hard enough saying it to my dad without screaming with tears.
I'm so messed up in my head.
I'm not doing it. No more.
I'm sorry everyone.
It's just not worth it. I was never meant to be born. I will never find true love. I've had some absolutely rubbish friends. I just don't get it.
I'm sorry.
Worst day for a very long time :-[
My mums on the phone to head of year now, AND SHE HAS KNOWN ALL ALONG!!!!
Thanks Glen,
She is just angry with me because she now thinks that I have told people she is a bad parent. She told me not to go to head of year and tell her that she doesn't listen and stuff. She said that head of year as accusing her of being a bad mother and she wasn't doing that at all. I think she is being quite selfish, this is supposed to be about supporting me and all she is doing is thinking of herself. My dad told me that she is upset because she thinks she is a bad mum but he is just trying to play the guilt trip with me.
Had a bit of an odd conversation with my mum. I said "I'm going to ask head of year if I can change forms because I hate mine" and she said "tell her that your form tutor is part of your problems" so I said " what do you mean problems" and she said " well you know, they think you have problems don't they?" If she does know that there is something wrong with me why can't she just say it rather than being all cryptic about it?! Makes me cross x
has the forum clock gone to a new time zone? appears about 7 hours slow :oSmf software is American software hence the time difference %^% so if I ever work out how to change the time I will do it.
I know it is really late, and no one is on, but I've felt really strange today. I've felt really guilty, and anxious. I feel like I keep upsetting my friends on here :'(. I am a bad person? :'(. I'm pretty scared about Saturday, I have to go to hospital to see a psychiatrist because I scored really high on the questionnaires they sent me before my CBT telephone consultation. I think they need me to stop thinking about death before than can offer me more treatment. But then that horrible voice is bullying me again. The voice has became my whole mind. She won. She tells me I am a fake and that I'm not actually ill. She tells me I won't ever become better, and tells me I shouldn't accept any treatment from anyone. She says I won't be able to cope with being happy and that I will just screw everything up.Dont worry about upsetting us, you have certainly said nothing ot upset me.
I am terrified of getting better, because ill is all I have ever known. I have always been depressed, it's just now, that the pressures of uni have built up my body and mind refused to continue this battle, and now I have to face the full extent of years of sadness.
Is everyone on here excited about getting better? I am absolutely dreading it. :'( I feel like I don't want to get better, because I will lose my identity :'(.
Feeling ignored.:( Anything I can help with Alstare?
this sounds like a journal. lol.
I'm so lonely :'(
Thanks cornish, I'm sorry you having such a bad time at the moment. :(
I have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday and my mum is coming with me, the doctor is going to tell her exactly what head of year told her and she is going to have a go at me again. I'm hoping the doctor will want to speak to me on my own at some point, whenever my mum has come to the doctors with me before she always overpowers me and answers all the questions i get asked. This really annoys me because i cant tell her what she needs to know.
I have a really bad cold, its been a little better today but I am still feeling really ill :(
Flu is miserable cornish, hope you feel better very soon &*(
Icelolly, I'd say the same as Kate about the doctor xx
Thanks everyone,
I could call her tomorrow but someone will find out. I think she will ask to talk to me on my own anyway, she knows that my mum doesn't really agree with me much so I don't think she will ask me how I feel infront of her.
Feeling so tired today, just wanted to sleep all day, did have a nap this afternoon. Just no energy to do anything :(.
Hopefully better tomorrow.
S x
Really tired, been moaned at all day about family issues. I had my braces put on the upper jaw and my face kills!! I literally feel like I have been smashed over the face with a brick, its an intolerable ache and I am extremely irritable. I have shouted at everyone :(
That sounds awful smirfy, do you think you ought to back to the doctor?
everything is just spinning.
I feel like no one cares and i am not important! It would be best if i just disappeared!
I feel like no one cares and i am not important! It would be best if i just disappeared!
Feel so bad worst so far. Want all this over now had enough
Its a good feeling :)
Hope you sleep well tonight.
S x
Pretty good today, fingers crossed its the start of feeling better :)
Working away from home this week. Feeling a bit lonely.i used to work away a lot but only done it once since all of this horror started.
I was so hoping it would offer comfort but sadley no. I can feel the problems start to enter my head as I type this like my mind is now open for business and the customers being all of my worries start to rush through the doors in order to snap up my peace and sanity like its on sale and leave me with sadness, worry and despair, the currency of my messed up mind.
Sorry. I did intend to type something a little more upbeat and happy when I began :/
I am really finding it hard to be grateful for my life at the moment, and it is really hard to celebrate other peoples sucess and be happy for them and I feel so bad when I find myself thinking why me, when is somebody going to help us and except mental health just like any other condition. I watch programs about people that are suffering and need some help and find myself thinking that I could do with some help and where is my support coming from which is an awful thing to think. am I a terrible person, why cant I just be happy for others and help others when they need it??
I am really finding it hard to be grateful for my life at the moment, and it is really hard to celebrate other peoples sucess and be happy for them and I feel so bad when I find myself thinking why me, when is somebody going to help us and except mental health just like any other condition. I watch programs about people that are suffering and need some help and find myself thinking that I could do with some help and where is my support coming from which is an awful thing to think. am I a terrible person, why cant I just be happy for others and help others when they need it??
Smirfy, I know this feeling. My Dad has given me a tough time over my issues with depression, especially since it resulted in me leaving university. Unfortunately, his new wife was also diagnosed with cancer a few months ago. She had the cancer taken out and is now on chemo and should hopefully be fine in a couple of months time. Obviously, she has got a lot of sympathy and understanding from my Dad and all her friends, which she deserves. But people like us deserve that too but because somehow cancer is seen as unlucky and random and depression is still seen as something to do with personality and the individual, we don't get that support. She talks about how she feels tired all the time and unwell and can't sleep etc and people give her sympathy (as they should) but a depressed person can't talk about these things because people don't understand, and it unnerves people to talk about mental health issues. Sometimes it's hard not to feel a little resentful...
Today I am feeling extremely tired and exhausted. I have been given a very short course of sleeping tabs to try to give me a decent nights sleep as right now its near impossible to get more than about 5 hrs sleep and i'm used to at least 8 hours.Welcome to the forum rchlsmly
I've now been referred to a psychiatrist, yet again. Hopefully this time they will actually see me as last time they just told the doc to increase my meds to max dose, still not worked.
I am all new to this, but some of the information i've read and also what other people have posted, i'm so glad that I have found this forum.
^&* this is hopefully me a little later on when I take my teddy bear for a walk. He is the only thing that seems to cheer me up and the walk does me good as well.
thats great to hear Rycing :) xx
Tired and tearful&*(
Our illness often makes us act in ways we normally wouldnt Holykimura, then of course we feel guilty, try not to dwell on it too much if you possibly can, apologise and try to leave it behind.
Can you not have access to your children on your own?
I've never hated myself as much as I do right now.Munchroom, sorry you are feeling so bad. For you &*(
Thanks buttercup, that does help x
I just feel like everyone acts the same, so yeah I'm 16 and life will be tough, but not like this. I feel totally different to how I felt this time last year. I know that the things that were 'big problems' are nothing compared with what I am going through now
I have always felt so safe talking to people on hear and I have always been given such loving and supportive feedback from everyone.Smirfy, so do I feel safe...have I missed something?
It really sickens me to know that there are people in this world that harm and get off on harming innocent human beings.
I hope that this remains a place that people can talk openly and feel safe doing so
smirfy
4:22 can't sleep, been awake since 1:30. Tried reading. Really fed up nowI know exactly what that's like....there's not much worse than being so tired and yet sooooo awake. Echo what others have said....try to get a nap in. :)
Had a restful afternoon, hoping for a better night.
To all those who need it &*(
Been really tired today, leg pain kept me awake last night. So had a lay down this afternoon and had a nap.You too Shaz. xx
Hope we all sleep better tonight.
S x
Been doing lots outside and am kn@ckered, time for a sit down despite the sun coming out and none of the forecasted heavy rain making an appearance yet
Feel for you Rycing, my children are all early risers, they just don't respect the weekend lie in :DYeah, apart from school days when I have to wake them up. :D
Got back from the doctors, she said that ME is definitely possible but because there is no actual treatment for it and she wants me to see it get better she doesn't want to label it as that until I have seen a counsellor to see if that helps.
She wants to know who cancelled my appointment with CAMHS, so she is calling my mum later to find out what is going on as I didn't know who cancelled it.
Killer headache narrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhh xxxIbuprofen & cocodamol, support me. Don't suffer on. xx
I've got a headache too, induced by 30 seven year olds!!!No wonder!
I have a headache too, it must be the day for themYep, me too. ::)
&*( to everyone
Sorry to hear you're not having a good day &*( &*( &*(
Sadly can't offer any help with the ruminating or over analysing, I'm terrible at it.
For you Rycing &*( &*( &*(
Hello all!
Today I am feeling about 40% happy, not too bad but not great! Im hoping to see my GP next week to get back on the meds, I am coming to terms with the fact I might not be finishing my degree, the fact that odds are Im not going to have many friends, or a partner, or kids, or fun ever again!
I have how ever decided to take up down hill mountain biking, that might give me the feeling I am looking for, trying to avoid rocks and trees at high speed, and if I get injured who cares? I also seem to have that feeling of I dont care if die atm, Im not suicidal, but if my doctor rang me up and told me I have a week to live I wouldnt be too upset, anyone else get that?
Rycing: That cartoon is great! Its also pretty much a step by step story of what I am going through, being depressed for no reason, the self loathing, think Im getting to the no fear stage!
Supportme: I took time out last year and repeating the final year again, and I have stuffed it again! Well, its not hopeless, basically I am gonna have to do a bunch of retakes this summer, but if I fail those I guess I will still have the diphe.
Hope you guys are ok too x
Ranting is good in a way smirfy, there is no need to apologise
It can be a huge battle to get a diagnosis for something obscure, I found this in the 80's when I was exhausted all the time, eventually it turned out I have allergies/sensitivities to a lot of foods and when I avoid them I feel a lot better. My symptoms were achy joints, massive water retention, itchy eyes, catahr and almost permanent exhaustion - in the days before the internet it was a struggle to find out what was wrong, something we really dont need to have to do when we are feeling terrible anyway :(
I really hope you can get some sort of diagnosis and the help you deserve smirfy &*(
Z xxx
Ranting is good in a way smirfy, there is no need to apologise
It can be a huge battle to get a diagnosis for something obscure, I found this in the 80's when I was exhausted all the time, eventually it turned out I have allergies/sensitivities to a lot of foods and when I avoid them I feel a lot better. My symptoms were achy joints, massive water retention, itchy eyes, catahr and almost permanent exhaustion - in the days before the internet it was a struggle to find out what was wrong, something we really dont need to have to do when we are feeling terrible anyway :(
I really hope you can get some sort of diagnosis and the help you deserve smirfy &*(
Z xxx
Thanks Zaf
so I have just come from the psychiatrist and it turns out my other psychiatrist is on 2 months annual leave which is a bit of a nightmare however it did mean that I got the opportunity to have a good chat with both my GP and Psychiatrist today and they have started me on Citalopram for depression, ferrous sulphate for the fatigue and some sleeping pills to help with the insomnia. On a possitive note my psychiatrist and GP have both managed to agree on a diagnosis of M.E although they want to send me over to the hospital to have a scan and some other tests just to rule out other medical conditions.
It is a relief to finaly have some answers although M.E is a bit scary but it does mean I can rule out bipolar which is great.
I just wanted to say thank you to all you lovely lot for supporting me through the past couple of months and putting up with my ranting.
smirfy
Ranting is good in a way smirfy, there is no need to apologise
It can be a huge battle to get a diagnosis for something obscure, I found this in the 80's when I was exhausted all the time, eventually it turned out I have allergies/sensitivities to a lot of foods and when I avoid them I feel a lot better. My symptoms were achy joints, massive water retention, itchy eyes, catahr and almost permanent exhaustion - in the days before the internet it was a struggle to find out what was wrong, something we really dont need to have to do when we are feeling terrible anyway :(
I really hope you can get some sort of diagnosis and the help you deserve smirfy &*(
Z xxx
Thanks Zaf
so I have just come from the psychiatrist and it turns out my other psychiatrist is on 2 months annual leave which is a bit of a nightmare however it did mean that I got the opportunity to have a good chat with both my GP and Psychiatrist today and they have started me on Citalopram for depression, ferrous sulphate for the fatigue and some sleeping pills to help with the insomnia. On a possitive note my psychiatrist and GP have both managed to agree on a diagnosis of M.E although they want to send me over to the hospital to have a scan and some other tests just to rule out other medical conditions.
It is a relief to finaly have some answers although M.E is a bit scary but it does mean I can rule out bipolar which is great.
I just wanted to say thank you to all you lovely lot for supporting me through the past couple of months and putting up with my ranting.
smirfy
I'm pleased things are looking a bit more positive for you Smirfy and I hope this new medication helps. Just in case you didn't know (I didn't until my Dr pointed it out) Vitamin C helps with the absorption of Iron (ferrous sulphate), so if possible, try taking some of that too or drink lots of orange juice :)
Feeling ok today - have a few social things coming up over the next 36 hours which I'm feeling terrified about whilst at the same time looking forward to them... the fact that 2 of them involve food doesn't massively help.
xx
Not sure how I feel.
Slept a bit longer last night, only awake for 2 hours ( 1am to 3am), still not ideal but better :)
Anyway, I have woke up feeling quite jittery, quiet and teary.
Thats good harry hope your positive feeling lasts for you.Thanks Shaz, for you; &*(
&*( for you rycing, hope your sore throat does not develop into anything. Enjoy your day off :).
S x
Don't want to come across as smug to anyone who's feeling down at the moment but I feel on top of the world this morning, it could be because I got tickets to see tenacious D . Already had the feeling of it wont last and somthing bad is bound to happen but I have tried to fight it off, this morning I'm happy and I'm going to fight to stay this way for as along as I can , well at least till lunch time .
His new girl is a lot prettier than me. I know I'm not pretty at all that's what makes me upset :'(
I didnt want to be attacked by the Nag Squad ;)
Z xx
Hope u feel better soon buttercup x
today I have woken with the same old feeling. Tired, emotional and the dread of trying to get thought the day. Husband working late tonight and 2 very grumpy children thrown in to the mix makes me want to sit in the corner and scream :'(
It really gets me down. Its like a toothache pain in my legs if that makes sense. Trouble is everytime I move in bed it hurts, doesn't wake me fully but makes for a disturbed sleep.
S x
A little tired and feeling overwhelmed with the amount of things that need doing
Firstly, I want to apologise if I have snapped at anyone today. I am having a terrible time, I need all of my friends of this forum! :'(.
I had my third CBT session yesterday, I have learnt so much about myself, and it's a horrible mess.
He said that I am afraid of success that's why I set myself ridiculously high standards, and why I am so critical of myself and that I am self abusive, and that I am vicious to myself. And he is right. He is completely right.
He said I am grieving over my last relationship, and he was surprised when I said that he was the first guy I have ever loved. I can't get over the hurt he caused me, and I never ever want another relationship again. I feel so sorry for myself. Crying as I type this.
I just don't know where I am going anymore, and the more I discover about myself the uglier I become :'(
Down and a bit yuk, I'm convinced its the dull cold weather :(
Smirfy, really sorry your feeling rubbish, have you stopped your bipolar meds? Maybe go and have a chat with your GP &*( &*(
&*( for anyone who needs them today.
I am not to bad today, have a headache and legs achey. Raining and miserable today, got soaked walking the girls today, so look like drowned rat :(.
Not much to do today, just tidy house a bit then go and get chicken food and no doubt be watching the rugby with my welsh husband this afternoon.
S x
$%^ I have this overwhelming urge to just trash something, throws things and flip out $%^
Kate I hope the play goes ok, try not to stress to much about being normal just try and relax and have fun
smirfy
For you Rycing &*( &*( not sleeping is awful.Thanks Buttercup. &*(
I used to love carvol! I liked squeezing them and staring in wonder at the fact they never popped!.... ::) I also used to like the smell :P
Now I use olbas... lots of it, even when I don't have a cold. Theres something very soothing about it.
Hope you feel better soon Shaz xx
Know that feeling well, Smirfy. Have you seen your GP lately? Weren't you asking about ME or I getting confused?
I guess that in realising how lost I am in myself I also realised that I need more than just meds, I need to talk to somebody, figure out whats at the root of my depression and find some coping strategies, I need to find myself again because at the moment I am misserable and dont have a passion or any interest in anything.
My art is suffering because I can't bring myself to pick up a paintbrush let alone actually create anything. I can't complete my degree without any new artwork, mt life is falling apart around me.
what the hell am I supposed to do if I don't know who I am, how am I supposed to get a career at the end of all of this?
some days I just wish this wasn't all happening and I could just dissapear
smirfy
Well I'm In the sunny South West :) apparently we've got plenty of water.
Well I'm In the sunny South West :) apparently we've got plenty of water.
Hey, me too Buttercup, I was feeling so alone in the South West. ;) x
Well I'm In the sunny South West :) apparently we've got plenty of water.
Hey, me too Buttercup, I was feeling so alone in the South West. ;) x
I'm south west too :) xx
Been up to Dartmoor today for a picnic and walk. The weather was sooooo lovely :)Yes, a beautiful day here today-it helps!
I could do with an angel popping down from the sky and giving me a hug right now. Tomorrow has to be a better day. Seriously.
&*( to anyone else that needs one.
What meds are you on Smirfy are they for bipolar or ME?
I've been on Lamotrigine for 4 weeks now, still getting to the final dose !
tired, lethargic and sniffly with a mildly sore throat.
I dont think this weather is helping anyone, we need some sunshine and warmer weather
Take care Zaf.
How did it go Smirfy?
Good for you Smirfy, at least you have come out and said it, even if the conversation did carry on.
S x x x
&*( &*( for you Zaf and Maddy, Well done on the weight loss Maddy.
S x x x
Feeling tired and worried today
Meh?
I think the same as Shaz, you really need to see you doctor/psychiatrist and explain how you are feeling Smify.
How is your bipolar controlled? I was just wondering, I have a friend who takes Lithium and she says the same thing, that she feels emotionally dull/numb. I don't take lithium, my bipolar meds aren't yet sorted, which is a pain.
Take Care
Buttercup xxx
Smirfy, my doctor told me that she couldn only prescribe me anti- depressants to help ME, but she really doesn't want to at the moment. Are all the things you take for ME prescibed to you?
Smirfy, my doctor told me that she couldn only prescribe me anti- depressants to help ME, but she really doesn't want to at the moment. Are all the things you take for ME prescibed to you?
Hey Ice lolly the citalopram and iron meds are prescribed and I took them for a few weeks whilst talking to people with M.E and reading up on it and alternative therapies and found a lot of different meds, therapies etc. the D-Ribose was recommended by 5 different people with M.E so I thought I would give it a go and its been brilliant.
I am still in the early stages so still learning all this myself, I have changed my diet completely, started swimming and going to the gym although its not recommended as I tend to get exhausted and spend the next two or three days in bed however I have to change my weight as I am in the Danger zone for diabetes and it runs in my family.
If I find out anything that I think is helpful I will let you know.
how are things going, did you manage to get your mum on side etc
smirfy :)
Thats a shame smirfy but at least you have had a job that someone has said you did well :)
Any job is difficult to find these days, let alone one that we enjoy
Z xx
Its not at all selfish smirfy, it actually shows how much you care, for your own health you need to try to step back even though thats hellishly difficult, other people have to take responsibility for their lives and actions, you cant take on all their problems yourself - I know thats difficult because I tend to do the same but my counsellor showed me how destructive it is to me and in the long run doesnt usually help those we are worrying about
Z xx
&*( for you mamalou.
S x x x x
Tired and ill :'(
Louise (((hugs)))
When those who r strong around u start to hurt as well that is really scary.
Want to give u a hug, know I need one, hope today is good to u x
What happened to your meds Smirfy?
I had to go cold turkey on 40 mg prozac, TBH it wasn't nice but only lasted 7 days and got better each day, sorry for not being more positive.
xxx
Shaky, sick, tired :-(
Can they give you some meds to tide you over till you can get some more smirfy?
Z xxx
She is better than she was Zaf, not wee'ing so much now, it was so awful to see her yesterday. She is very tired still, laying out on the floor as I type this fast asleep. She wouldn't take the tablet even though it said palatable for dogs, so I got a small piece of bread and wrapped tablet in that and she swallowed it whole ()_.
Have you had any news at all from the vet today about Jade?
S x x x x
_+_ Tell the doctor how awful you have been feeling IceLolly xxx
was feeling OK...then had the front bumper of my car ripped off...
Now I'm angry....
Not depressed about it as such, just f******** angry
"£" "£" "£" "£" "£" "£" "£" "£"
_-+ _-+ _-+ _-+ _-+ _-+ _-+ _-+
:vik:
You will recover from this terrible loss. Remember that we are all here for you.
Sorry sad sick...ha ha...couldn't resist!!!
Oh Zaf, that is so sad. I am so sorry. Can't imagine the pain you must be in.
Lots and lots of love %^%
(http://depressionforums.co.uk/dpf/mobiquo/emoji/E415.png) another cyber mummy Icelolly. You have lots of us now. S x x x x
Feeling really tearful and sad, time on my hands does me no good, reflect on so many things and the mistakes I've made, how I wish things were different, trying to be busy and productive with tears in my eyes and feeling very alone right nowI know this feeling only too well. I can be in a room full of family and friends, with my loving wife beside me and still feel like the loneliest person on the planet. Its been one of those days today too, and Ive had tears in my eyes all morning.
Numb, tired and trying to find the reason for being.
Also, very shaky from my meds.
*() to everyone else who needs it. Sorry, I hope one day to be of real use to others but not managing it at the moment. x x x
Hi Mamalou,
hope you're feeling better today. I know what it feels like to feel shaky from the medication.
By having shared how you feel, I feel less alone, although I don't know you. Its a little comfort and it makes me want you to feel better. &(*
Sad and worthless....everything I do that I think is right is always wrong :-(
Has something hapened to make you feel so low smirfy? %^% xxx
I thought thinks were OKish a few months ago?
The beginning of the day was crap.... I haven't slept my normal deep relaxing sleep since beginning of July and it's making me feel discouraged.
Citalopram seem to be (finally) working though. First time on an SSRI (Efexor and a Tricyclic AD I used for years.... wonderful wonderful drugs which gave me many years of happiness!). I think because this is my first time on SSRI I don't "recognize" how the treatment is working. Took a long time to kick start but now I am able to eat twice a day, get out of bed and keep busy, read stuff, concentrate on TV, do gardening, socialize more, pick up the phone etc.... the world also seems less of a dark place.
I am not out of the woods yet and will ruminate and worry myself about the silliest thing but I feel less overwhelmed.
Hubby is telling me Channel 4 are showing a programme about MDMA as possible cure for depression Article here: http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2012/sep/16/mdma-drug-experiment-channel-4
Don't feel very ok, they are back now, done them dinner, i couldn't eat, just want to not get like this anymore, feels like there's a big knot in my chest, still feel panicky and weird, can't explain it very well
Tired after a sleepess night...
Feeling tearful and scared.
S x
Feeling sad and sappy today. Feel really needy and tearful. Just want a cuddle xxI could of written exactly that about how I have felt today *)*
I can definitely relate to that...
Today started really badly because I had the instant negative thoughts in my head as usual. Even more so than usual because I had a doctors appointment and a counselling session within hours of eachother.
Having now been to both appointments am feeling relieved and positive but am scared about coming off Fluoxetine. Last time went really badly :( xxx
Having now been to both appointments am feeling relieved and positiveThat's how I get when the things I was worried about are done and I have got through a social or business situation I was negative about. I can't get home quick enough - back to my comfort zone. The positives that come out of it don't last long.
am going to be changing surgery's a friend has a fab understanding doctor on mental.Good! I hope the other Doctor LISTENS to you and helps rather than sending you home with more medication.
if it wasn't for my husband I think i would be long dead.Makes me sad because I totally get what you're saying.
In pain this morning _-+ finally got the gastroenterologist tomorrow, luckily. For my set of symptoms its supposed to take you 2 weeks to get referred. Because I've been dismissed and lost in the system so many times it's now been 15 months.
I think sometimes in relationships, when we're looking for support during depression, they are also struggling to understand and it can often get a little muddled. If he's having problems understanding, perhaps a good and short article for him to read on the net might help.Great advice. The first time I completed a 'depression scoring form' from the doctors I let my wife see what I had written.
OhDaddy, what was your previous job?
Funny you should mention ignorance over depression. I was just thinking today that I've never actually sat down and read any info on the illness. All my experience and understanding comes mainly from first hand experience
Have you tried advertising in local shops for Handy Man? Reasonable rates for all sorts of odd jobs usually sells well. Why aren't you in teaching? That would suit when you & the kid's future arrangements
Was having my first good day since reducing my Fluoxetine to flush it out of my system but I had a doctors appointment today and have now started citalopram.
Since taking my first tablet a few hours ago I have felt 'funny' I think anxiety has taken over and I can't stop fidgeting and tapping. :( xx
Oh Daddy have you considered being a TA or PPA cover. both are in school without the stress and might give you the confidence to go back to teaching.
Xxx
Flat, deflated and lonely!!
I don't have a plan, I feel like what to eat is still a difficult desicion, let along my future. I do have some ideas, but the possibility of making them happen is to hard to imagine. Things never work out for me anyway.
Today I'm more peaceful and have an increasing sense of optimism
im out here....
feeling as normal ... pluss got a stomach bug
How are you feeling today.... as always, with my hands ::) ::)