How are you feeling today?

[Lol]

I understand that it would mean a mental health ward/hospital. Your fear of hospitals is real and very disturbing, the thought of going in there is more than you can cope with at the moment.

This may sound awfully obvious but have you said to your mental health team 'I am not opening up fully because I am afraid you will take me to hospital and I am very afraid of hospitals'. ? Might you be able to make a trade off - a promise for a promise? I know you don't want to make another promise Cornish but is could work in your favour?

Please consider it. Please also consider talking to us as a first step maybe? You are free to say ANYTHING in here and we can not take you to hospital! Maybe if you talked in here it could give you some confidence to talk to your mental health team. You can post a warning so people don't have to read it if they don't want to. Or journalise just for yourself.

I hope your day is managable Cornish.

[Munchroom]

I'm in complete agreement with Lol. We all care about you Cornish and we're not here to judge you or send you to hospital - we're just here for friendly ears.

Well... I completely overslept and missed my doctors appointment   Wouldn't be so bad if it was actually restful sleep! Just phoned them and spoke to the snotty receptionist and I have to now wait until next Tuesday to see my doctor (we're very rural down here and I don't want to see another doctor because the other ones I've seen have taken the approach - 'Get out and get some fresh air and some exercise' Yeah, I would, if I didn't have a complete, irrational fear of leaving the house!!')

  Bum!

[Zaf]

lol is right cornish but I also realise how difficult it might be for you to do what he suggests



I'm very tired and a bit despondant - I think its work though rather than anything else - I plan to do some yoga, tai chi and meditation later and try a new quinoa recipe so hopefully that will lift my spirits a bit :)  I was a bit naughty yesterday and indulged in some online retail therapy (some new brushes and artists paper) with the hope I can really get back into something creative as soon as my mood allows

[Bewildered]

Ok I have to preface this by saying I have never thought of myself as the suicidal type. I always thought of it as the most selfish act a human being could do. However for some weird reason today I found myself in front of the shavers etc in Tesco and looking at the replacement razor blades. I don't use that kind of razor...it was really disturbing. I shook myself aND Walked away but it's sort of freaked me out.

[Zaf]

poor you   were you having any thoughts while you were looking at them?

[Lol]

Sorry to hear about you missing your doctors appointment Munchroom! It'll give you another week to psych yourself up and realise what a lot you have been doing recently and how well you have been doing it!

Zaf I'm sorry to hear work is making you feel despondant. You could really do without that couldn't you. Regarding your sleeping and not wanting to leave an oil burner on - Have you tried josticks? They couldn't set fire to anything and just go out on their own. Having said that a little tea light only lasts a couple of hours? Otherwise, there are some diffusers you can get for babys when they've got the snuffles that are safe to leave on all night and you can put baby vicks and albass in them. I'm sure you could put any other oil in them as well. try googling them. Also there are those reed stick thingies? It's a shame to have something like aromatherapy that you know works and not be able to utilise it in your home!

[Bewildered]

I don't really know. The ting is I have a morbid fear of sharp things and have always had a weird thing that I would be stabbed to death or something so I normally don't like to handle sharp pointy things even if they are in the packaging. Maybe I just suncocnciously wanted to hold it...consider it...then dismiss it...so i could move on?

[Zaf]

today started off with me feeling anxious and irritible,  that is a direct consequence of having to do something at work that I knew would be stressful.  I was strong enough to leave only 20 minutes after the time I had decided to even though there were still some important things to do (triumph!)

I then felt weird once at home as I was wondering what I was going to do with 3 hours, so I did some cross stitch and Ive prepared a quinoa pilaf for my dinner tonight,  got OH's dinner partly prepared (we dont eat the same as I'm virtually vegan and he's a carnivore - or I suppose more accurately an omnivore!), for the first time for many months I actually did some yoga practice and started on trying to remember the tai chi short form and Ive just completed the Tesco order for Saturday.

I shall go out and feed the horses shortly and then come in to sit in meditation - I feel calm this afternoon and pleased Ive done things for me for a change :)

hopefully this positiveness will last.....

[Zaf]

I don't really know. The ting is I have a morbid fear of sharp things and have always had a weird thing that I would be stabbed to death or something so I normally don't like to handle sharp pointy things even if they are in the packaging. Maybe I just suncocnciously wanted to hold it...consider it...then dismiss it...so i could move on?

not the best experience but at least you recognise that,  hopefully it wont happen again to you

[Bewildered]

Also when I was at tesco I was actuallu looking at the bacon....craving meat...which is something I haven't eaten in ages...it seems Zaf that your animals are your safety and sanity and comfort? They are very lucky to have you.

[Zaf]

Sorry to hear about you missing your doctors appointment Munchroom! It'll give you another week to psych yourself up and realise what a lot you have been doing recently and how well you have been doing it!

Zaf I'm sorry to hear work is making you feel despondant. You could really do without that couldn't you. Regarding your sleeping and not wanting to leave an oil burner on - Have you tried josticks? They couldn't set fire to anything and just go out on their own. Having said that a little tea light only lasts a couple of hours? Otherwise, there are some diffusers you can get for babys when they've got the snuffles that are safe to leave on all night and you can put baby vicks and albass in them. I'm sure you could put any other oil in them as well. try googling them. Also there are those reed stick thingies? It's a shame to have something like aromatherapy that you know works and not be able to utilise it in your home!

I really could lol,  but its something I think I will have to learn to cope with, perhaps parcel up and keep very strictly in its place and not let it affect my other bits of life,  I used to be able to do that when working for other people so now I need to do it for myself.

I think Ive found a solution to the tea light problem,  you can buy electric burners (no tea light so I guess just an element under a ceramic base thing),  I have ordered one and will see how that works.   In the meantime I'm using the oil on  my wrists before I go to bed and sniff it when I need to,  so far I have slept slightly better and when  I have woken I have managed to get back to sleep which up till now I havent been able to,  not ideal but an improvement!

[Zaf]

Also when I was at tesco I was actuallu looking at the bacon....craving meat...which is something I haven't eaten in ages...it seems Zaf that your animals are your safety and sanity and comfort? They are very lucky to have you.

My animals keep me going Karen,  I have to get out of bed for them in the mornings and feed them in the evenings,  I think sometimes I would simply stay in bed all day when things are bad without them, they have made me get over agorophobia in the past too as their needs became more important than my fear.  I know too in the past when Ive had suicidal thoughts they are one of the things that have stopped me taking that ultimate act as Ive been worried what would happen to them.  At the moment I probably have too many (wanting to help strays etc and not knowing where to stop where the dogs are concerned) but I dont think I'd want not to have any pets (perhaps just 3 dogs and a couple of old horses in the back field!)

[Munchroom]

Zaf that sounds like a very positive and productive afternoon - dinner sounds yummy too! xx

[Munchroom]

Quite irritable and empty  Looking forward to Chris coming home from work so I can have a hug and a cup of tea (we have no milk  )

[cornish]

Thanks my lovelies, I have said to them that I don't open up fully.


I'm not ready to even thing about the stuff that I don't talk about.