had my first meeting with a cpn today. bloody mental health team have just realized i didn't have one after over a $%W"$% year grrrr.
not sure how i felt about it. hmm well actually just dont feel good about it. not the normal i dont want help feeling, just a feeling like its not right, somethings wrong, maybe paranoia but i dont think so.
cant sleep but so drowsy and tired, really annoyed with my self.
i think on of my si cuts is infected as its rather swollen, red, and VERY tender. got another appointment with my gp monday so will ask about it. im getting annoyed with my self having so many appointments, waste there time. had 3 this week, although one was private, i feel really bad about wasting the nhs time and money when there's not much point. starting to think im hiding how i really am from all of them to get rid of them again, it worked last time, they left me alone for a while, just want to give up on getting help as i really think im beyond it
numb part of my hand is feeling really bad
counting down the days now really, seems easier that way, like its something to look forward to, but fear.
How ridiculous that you didn't have a cpn when you were supposed to Cornish. That is so infuriating! I'm sorry he didn't work out very well, what do you mean about it not feeling right like something's wrong? This presents a whole other person you have to try to explain yourself to so it's bound to feel strange.
You feel bad that you are wasting the NHS time because you are not opening up to them and instead trying only to get rid of them. You are not beyond help and there certainly is a point to letting it all out - Only when they know every little thing about how you are suffering, including what is going on in your body, can they stop guessing and get on with treating you. I know it is hard Conish, but how you are suffering
now is hard. You have 3 options -
1) carry on how you are now, effectively (although understandibly) hindering your treatment.
2) end it all without having tried everything
3) Find a way to let it all out, get your scans and targeted treatment, and just maybe recover.
Cornish I can not possibly profess to understand how you are feeling but I know that you are very very scared. If you are on the brink of option number 2, then could you possibly entertain option number 3 as a last ditch attempt before it?
PLEASE Cornish. You have said in a previous post that it is very unlikely that you can not recover from this but the investigations are too much for you to handle. You CAN do this some how, perhaps you need to break this down even further; how about you tell your cpn, mental health team, that if you are going to make any progress at all you understand that you need the relevent tests and treamtnet etc, but they scare you too much so how about this - you request treatment for treating your FEAR of opening up and your FEAR of hospitals and tests BEFORE anything else? How do YOU think you will ever be able to achieve this? Here are some of my ideas, don't know if they will help.
*Hypnotherapy/therapy for fear of hospitals and tests
*Find a smaller facility with the relavent equipment - they are not all in big scary hospitals
*Can you be sedated for your tests and know little about it?
*If hypnotherapy worked, can your hypnotherapist come with you for your tests to keep you calm?
*Can your psychotherapist whom you trust and who understands you possibly better than anyone else come with you?
*Can you build up to hosptial in 10 stages - 1st get in the car and drive past it, 2nd drive up to it, 3rd park in it and switch the engine off, 4th get out of the car and stand int he car park looking at it, 5th walk up to its entrance doors, 6th enter it, 7th ask some one for directions to where it would take place, 8th go and see where it would take place and walk past it, 9th sit outside where it would take place and imagaine yourself in there, watch people come and go and do some rescue visualisation, 10th ask if you can step inside the room and if some one could show you the machine and touch it maybe, tell you where you would be, what will happen, what you have to do.
And all this before even making an appointment. Give yourself a little control back. Even if you did these stages one a week it would still be no time compared to the enormous battle you have fought to date.
Are they trying to make you run before you can walk? If you don't feel prepared to do the things you need to do the fear factor will go through the roof! I so wish you can entertain some ideas and want to carry on. You are dealing with so much, carrying on represents the contiuation of the struggle you have had enough of.
Please keep your SI scar clean and dry until your gp appointmet and take an anti inflammatory if it is safe to do so.
Please take care Cornish. Thinking of you. Lol :)
