How are you feeling today?

[cornish]

im glad your just in between at the moment,   im a bit quiet as im far from ok, just about keeping going but resorted to a lot of si

[Pete]

Right now I am feeling very edgy and very nervous. I am waiting online checking to see if my JSA payment is going through. I am certain it wont as i forgot to sign the other day so had to say I was feeling a bit sick. they made me fill out a sick note type of thing and said my payment would just ne late and would be here in 3 days, thats today and although i am not desperate or destitute I just panic that it wont come. i do it everytime its due and sit up until i see it appear in the ruddy bank. When it does I can sleep but if not i'll be up all night panicking lol. I know its stupid you dont have to tell me but its just what I HAVE to do.The  thing is whether it comes or not I can "put on my face" tomorrow and it'll all seem ok from the outside but inside i'll either be soooo down about it or feel my blood boil. I'll then have to just either go to the gym for  a sauna or drivesomewhere and sit things out.  !£$

[cornish]

Hopefully it goes in, I worry about about things to, it's just all part of your illness

[Pete]

Hopefully it goes in, I worry about about things to, it's just all part of your illness

Nope it didnt go in just as I feared it wouldnt. Anyway I called them up and explained and they said did you sign on on time, I explained that I had a fall a few weeks ago and that the pain was so bad that day I never even thought about going to sign on but remembered Friday and had to fill in some grey sick form.  They said oh how long will you be getting treatment for your injury and I said well the physio has said at least 8 to 10 weeks to start and they now say oh wellyu need to sign off as your not fit for work!!!! Arrrrgh.

I have had to make a claim for some employemnt support allowance instead so that will probably bugger up my money. Not helped much but hey ho.

On a positive note my payment will come tomorrow they promise and I found this place so hopefully some good will come soon.

Feeling a bit shakey and jittery today like a bit nervous for no real reason but not really negative thinking, well not as much as usual. uite happy to sit here at home for now but it IS quiet right now    Had a couple of moments this morning when i felt agitated and almost snapped a little at the wife but for once I stopped and thought "this isnt the way to  be, its not fair on them" and stopped before I got worked up. Maybe a good sign of things to come.???

[cornish]

hopefully your claim goes well

its good new that your getting a payment tomorrow

its good that you can recognize when your about to snap and control your self. im sure it is a good sign


sorry im not much help at the moment, im not doing too well my self at the moment but i will try and respond as best as i can

[Pete]

Hey Cornish, Dont ever apologise to me as its never needed 

I'm just glad I can finally speak about whats been going on for so many years without worrying my wife and kids too much.

You say your not too good? so how ARE you feeling today maybe I can help you too after all I have managed for over 20 years somehow its just right now I dont want to  just manage anymore I want my life back like others have hence the steps forward.

[cornish]

I'll try not to but I seem to appoligise for everything because my illness makes me think everythings my fault

This place is a huge help to many and I'm glad your now one of them



******. Warning possible triggers ************



I'm just not doing too well in general at the moment,  but work has gotten to me recently, I'm a specialised electrician and decided to work nights this week and 2 other blokes took over from what I was doing and haven't done the prep work I needed done. It's the middle of the night and I can't get any gear to do the job and it needs to be done for the morning.   I did nights as it's quiet and normally no stress, that's what I need when I'm not doing well as I can just chuck my self into the job and not get interrupted or told to take brakes.   I'm now off my head on diazepam, Si a few times already, I'm in agony now as there's a chunk of my hand missing due to an angle grinder incident. now I have to work in a live panel and I'm haveing thoughts of doing something stupid. I'm fairly sure I won't do it as once I've started a job there's no stopping me. I have a feeling I'm going to burn my self out and end up working all of tomorrow too.

[Pete]

Ahhh so familiar.

So I get it, there are certain triggers that kick off the stress which builds up the anqguish levels and result it what I now accept is the depression which in my case once here is a bugger to get to pass on.

My chosen business for the past 8 years was a handyman. I basically took care of anything around the home with the mentality if I couldnt do it then I would get it done. The way some tradesmen failed to reach certain standards would drive me crazy and I would start by getting irritated then start to fret as I couldnt reach my target time then I would realise I was paying money out for jobs not done to standard and then start to work or even wind myself up to breaking point. I'm far from a violent man even though I have trained in martial arts for over 15 yrs but I would feel sooo angry as I felt they were doing it to annoy me personally but then I would think why are they doing it, why me and so it would  evolve.

I also would panic that I would have an accident and would get injured due to tem not doing the work and even at times go as far as imagining what people would say about me at my funeral. Then I would wonder if anyone would attend my funeral as I seem to have pushed away all my "friends" over the years where I actually have none that I could socialise with at alll now.

Its a little easier for me being self employed to at times just say oh well sod it but if your an employee what can you do? not much.

Maybe thats the reason I went self employed come to think of it as before this I worked in the security industry and at times could get so uptight as I dealt with many varied areas oer the 12 years I did it. Thats the reason I left but I did bounce around a bit due to my outburts. only just realising this now tbh.

Hope your day goes  better today cornish, if you get a chance try and google 8 pieces of brocade, its a martial /shaolin breathing form and I try and do it most days, it helps calm my anguish for a short while unless something else kicks it off later.

I have my doctors apointment at 9.30 and I am soooo nervous its mad, what if he thinks i'm a fraud, I already have injured neck and shoulder and a claim going through , maybe he'ss think i'm just making itup as I need to ask him for a sick note too for the benefits agency now as they put me on esa not jsa. I always wondered if the doctors felt giving out sick notes was to people lying. crazy i know but i guess thats the illness playing me up again eh?

would yu beleive I'm 6ft 1, 15 stone and a black belt yet I feel so small today and really dont feel like going anywhere but I gotta do it or I know I'll end up really bad later for failing again.

oh well cant put it off anymore i guess so i'll check in later. sorry for spelling as i know its gonna be all over the sop like my head which is starting to poound now too arrrgh

[Pete]

Hi All,

Well I certainly got a knock back yesterday that resulted in me pretty much felling like I had had all the wind kicked out of me and although I managed to avoid heading for the bottle of  scotch as usual I did withdraw well inside last night and sat in the dark in my garage most of the night then stayed up until God knows what time just sitting.

I got to the doctors for just after 9am, I posted here then drove the 10mins to the surgery thiking if I sat around I would somehow just get more worked up as I was basically Shattin meself just thinking I was going to finally admit what I was feeling etc.

I had to see the doctor about my neck injury and get some more pain killers from him. I also have Osophegus reflux which means I take anti acid pills daily due to the poor lifestyle I was doing with my drinking before so also needed some more of my Omeprazole especially seeing as the anti inflamatories I take for my neck cause more acid etc.

On top of that I also now needed to ask for a sick note for the ESA claim I have now . This aone was bad for me as I was sure he would see me as yet another benefit scrounger trying to claim sick pay, which I am not but I just feel so bad having to claim ESA or any benefit at 40 yrs old when I just want to provide for my family.

Anyway I dealt with all this and then said there is one more thing, I think I am suffering from depression and may need some help......

His reply.........."sorry you only have 10 mins and I have others waiting you will need to rebook another appointment so we can discuss this".

I actually felt my mouth drop open and I was just so deflated. The doctor was actually turning me away. I had basically worked myself up to tell him how I felt alone and was having trouble dealing with rejection and failure and he was actually rejecting my calls for help. Absolutely gutted!!.

I bowed my head , got up and walked out as best I could trying not to break down. I felt so honestly gutted I didnt know what to say or what to do so just went and booked another appointment for Monday morning.

I am so fortunate that I wasnt feeling suicidal as this could well have tipped me but after I sat all night and thought about it all I am now angry. I WILL be going Monday and he WILL listen and if he doesnt I WILL  kick off and he WILL realsise what is hapening as I NEED this help NOW. I cannot and willnot wait another 20 years to get the courage to accept this and my family will not suffer my incredibly selfish mood swings anymore. I WANT to stop, I WANT to be well and NORMAL and I will nowDEMAND someone help me.

I do not have any choice anymore and so in order to solve this my doctore now has no choice either. I am usually so nice and pleasant but i'm desperate to be a good dad and husband and to enjoy the  rest of my life thatI will do anything now even if that means me have one of my outbursts which will definately make him take notice.

How dare a medical professional gamble with my well being by dismissing me like that when he didnt know how bad I was inside. For god sake suicidal people can wear the mask I have worn for years in a bid to hide the torture and pain  that everyday life and issues bring.   sorry for the language but he is an ARSEHOLE!!

Ok rant over now and I do feel better

[Zaf]

I am absolutely disgusted at your GP, I'm so incredibly angry that anyone could be treated so badly. 

[Munchroom]

The way your GP spoke to you is awful  (this seems to be the only 'angry' face) So what if there are other patients waiting?? EVERYONE expects to have thier appointment a little bit delayed, I'm sure if they knew the reasons, most of the people in the waiting room would have been more than happy to wait a little longer!!

I definetly think you SHOULS go back on Monday, but would you be able to change doctors? I know its probably the last thing you want added to your plate right now, but depression takes a long time to combat and I'm not sure I would want to be continually going back to a doctor that comes out with that sort of statement! What an absolute dick 

Well done in going and having the courage to bring it up though - the first appointment is never easy (especially when handled like that) so please don't be disheartened and put Monday off - you did well, it was the stupid doctor that was in the wrong xx

[Pete]

I will be going back Monday at 8.50am ( I made it early so i wouldnt have all day to talk myself out of it) and I will be insisting on councilling etc as I dont want to be fobbed off with some weak pills that wont work. You know the sort they give when someone just has a bad day as I know that now I actually accept and realise things I have a little more than a bad day. I do have some good days too though. 

Not sure the other doctors would be any different, I have 3 at the surgery so if he doesnt listen I will see the others but 1 will have to.

[Zaf]

Well done, its great to hear you are feeling so positive about making your GP listen, dont dismiss being given antidepressents as they will help too, its often a combination of medication, counselling and rest that works the best.  In the past I've had to be on ADs for a few weeks before I was ready for the counselling so it may be the same for you.

Do try another doctor if you dont get any help Monday, we have several doctors at our surgery, some are brilliant when dealing with depression, and a few are awful.

[lightenup]

Your Dr is an absolute incompetent twat, how dare she/he it is a known fact that sometimes the most people discuss the most worrying problem as they are leaving the surgery.  Bet you the BMA would love to hear about this.  Good for you for making another appointment stay strong, BTW depression is the curse of the strong

It upsets me also as a person who has worked all my life that I felt like a beggar having to ask for sick note, and consequently was sent to medical, and an appeal made to feel like a liar and a cheat, and subseqently another medical.  Well I would love to be well again and working.  See another Dr if you don't get the help you need.  Good luck for Monday and stay strong. 

[Pete]

Thanks for that all of you.

How do I feel today? hmmmm

Woke up this morning with full intentions of going to the gym and having a sauna ( i find that when its quiet I can relax and destress a little although when I come out something usually happpens lol)

Went outside to see I had oil leak under car, just what I need really as money is tight due to saving for holiday in 4 weeks ( not really looking forward to it but it was booked last year before this years disasters and family want to go etc).

Called out The AA. man came out and told me couldnt find leak. Ok I said , fine but can you magic away all this effin oil for me then! oops not good.

He then looked again and said looks like rocker gasket leaking and possibly from sump? Ok I said, now what.

Take it to a garage he said. Ok says I, so glad I pay you arseholes £25 a month to tell me you cant fix fek all when i call you, I can do your job, drive a yellow van and just say go to an effin garage. Again not wise but hey I just opened my mouth and it fell out.....honestly dont know where it came from.

Anyway he went and I phoned up AA to see about my warranty which covers parts and labour. Hmmm not sure your covered for that they said. Its wear and tear.

I went MAD!! I shouted dwn the phone, threatened to drive my car to their yard and set fire to it and their effin warranty.

Oh yes she said I can see it IS actually covered. WOOHOO.....maybe this freaking out works I thought lol.

I apologised for my outburst, felt very embarrased and hung up. Will sort things Monday and hopefully she is off work and hasnt left a note on the system about the nutter who called today.

I then lay on sofa and went to sleep. woke up around 5pm, had shower and shave as I felt homeless and looked it too. I hate looking that way but its so hard to wash and shave some days, i get paranoid I smell too so then worry about not going out or having a wash. Then its a whole new kettle of fish.

Anyway I sat in my garage ( its actually converted into my dojo and gym so I dont actually sit in a typical garage in the dark, i've not sunk that low yet lol) until around 8pm, came in sat down and have just sat here all night. I have now seemingly woke up when I want to sleep so at 01:39am I am wide awake and wondering what to do. I have a hankering to open a bottle of wine but am so trying to not drink as I know it causes me to sink lower.

Lets see what  tomorrow brings......hmmmmmm I wonder???