How are you feeling today?

[cornish]

But I look ill, really ill   two people Sunday asked me if I was OK because I looked pale but I didn't realise I looked so bad, its concerning me a bit but not actually worrying me at the moment but I have a nasty feeling I'm going to start getting obsessive about it if I'm not very careful.

i get that virtually daily, doesn't help that i have panda eyes most of the time and im constantly tired. really annoys me, i hate talking to people.  other than you loverly people 


not even going to go into how i feel today

[Zaf]

That describes how I look exactly but apart being a bit tired I feel OK, I suppose its better than looking OK and feeling awful

I wont ask

[Zaf]

Thanks zaf. Agreed, she wasn't qualified to discuss medication really. I did discuss with her that I felt due to my condition, medication will play an improtant part. They seem much more clued up than anyone else I ahve spoken to. I have to say, she was lovely and I was very impressed by her. It makes so much difference when someone takes you seriously. I am thinking that seeing a doctor is probably likely now.

You're right, it makes the world of difference if you have confidence in the people who are in charge of your treatment.

[Holykimura]

its really horrible when that happens

do a bit and give yourself a reward then do another bit,  it often helps do the horrible jobs we dont want to do :)

Thanks Zaf, Well I have got through the day, doing various bits and bobs around the house, I am absolutely dreading work tomorrow I had a conversation with my partner this evening and I explained how I'm feeling. We have come to the conclusion that I need to speak to my line manager to discuss recent unreasonable objectives that were set . I feel nervous about this but I suppose once I have got things off my chest I will feel better. Or a least I hope I will..

[Zaf]

its really horrible when that happens

do a bit and give yourself a reward then do another bit,  it often helps do the horrible jobs we dont want to do :)

Thanks Zaf, Well I have got through the day, doing various bits and bobs around the house, I am absolutely dreading work tomorrow I had a conversation with my partner this evening and I explained how I'm feeling. We have come to the conclusion that I need to speak to my line manager to discuss recent unreasonable objectives that were set . I feel nervous about this but I suppose once I have got things off my chest I will feel better. Or a least I hope I will..

That sounds like a good plan even though its not going to be the easiest thing to do, having unreasonable deadlines and objectives will only make you feel more stressed

[Holykimura]

 I know, I'm as nervous as hell, I'll report back soon... p.s. Hope your well

[Munchroom]

Munchroom...they want you to take Trazodone in the morning? Im no doctor, but surely it would send you to sleep?

He did say it is a sedative so may make me more dozy... in that case, I'd just be asleep all day!! He said it might just take the edge off of my anxiety throughout the day though... which would be a good thing! I guess its a case of holding fire and not trying anything new until the Venlafaxine is out of my system. Starting to feel a bit annoyed and despondant about the whole thing though.... I've been taking anti-depressants since August last year and have tried countless different ones, and even now 15 months on, we're pretty much back at square one - just with an added list of all the tablets that don't work or have such bad side effects that they do more harm than good 

I'm so tired of all of this... I was looking at pictures of myself from way back in 2007 earlier and I looked so much more alive! The smile was natural, I didnt have bags under my eyes, my hair and my skin was healthy.... now I just look at pictures of myself and see someone who is so tired and very scared. I seem to have shrunk, not just in physical size - but I'm not the person that I was.... I'm just wracked with constant guilt, constant unanswerable questions, constant tiredness, worry and brain fog.... its all getting too much. I can't concentrate on anything for very long and I now have this medication course that I need to get the first unit done and posted off by the end of the week.... With things like that, I've always been a bit of a geek, get it done and out of the way and know that it is as perfect as I can physically make it - I can't even concentrate long enough to read the units, nevermind tackle the actual coursework! I don't want to have to ask for extra time... why should I need it?! Its not like I'm busy with children or work or a full time job.... Sorry. Thats a bit of a rant, I just feel so angry at myself that all this time is just passing by and I'm not getting any better long term... I may have a couple of weeks of being 'ok' but then I pay for it afterwards with such a big low that its almost not worth it.

Sorry, just feeling a bit sorry for myself 

[Got]

Hi munchroom....so sorry you feel this way. I feel the same. I look terrible, feel terrible, I can't concentrate on anything. I have an entire day to do things, yet cant do anything but feel bad and acheive nothing.

Ive had enough of this whole situation, and I would like to run away...go to Asia and chill out for a year or to. But I'm doing a Phd, somthing I have wanted to do my whole life, but cant manage because depression has reduced me to a useless moron who cant look after  himself, cant have a relationship, cant even dress properly. How am I supposed to do this Phd when all I am fit for is being a waste of fresh air? I quit simply hate myself because I have no purpose or any practical function.  

Im not looking for any sympathy here, it seems many of use are feeling the same way...nature of depression I suppose.

You people on this site have actually been a major player in stoping me doing myself in to be honest...and so my sincere wish is that all of us get throught his, no matter how long it takes, and begin to be living beings again.

[smirfy21]

My grandparents have been doing our family tree for a couple of years now and have found out loads, however when I asked my grandad if any of our ancestors had some kind of mental illness he just got really angry, I have never and I mean NEVER seen him angry It was like he was hiding something and then when I asked my dad if he knew if any relatives or ancestors that had mental illness he just shrugged it off. It is a well known fact that mental illness runs in my dads side of the family which is why I don't understand it, all I want to know is a bit about my family history so I can figure myself out a bit more.

I know it sounds stupid but I really do think that if I knew more about my ancestors and my blood line I would be able to make some sense of my life.
Maybe I am chasing ghosts but its something that really bothers me, I don't know anything about my own family and that is one of the most basic of things in life isn't it?

feeling wound up over this now and I don't even know why I want to know so badly
smirfy
 

[Got]

I think it is natural that you want to know answers about this. Maybe your grandads response is a result of the stigma surrounding mental illness, especially among older generations. I suppose though, at least you know mental illness is within your family and it is not a complete mystery. Of course, it would be nice to know more.

Mental illness exists on my mothers side. This is something I have never discussed with anyone, it is simply something I have noticed. Isn't it a shame that we are judged by some many for having an illness? We wouldn't be judged for having broken limbs. I think education is important to allow people to be more insightful and less ignorant.

[cornish]

Munchroom...they want you to take Trazodone in the morning? Im no doctor, but surely it would send you to sleep?

He did say it is a sedative so may make me more dozy... in that case, I'd just be asleep all day!! He said it might just take the edge off of my anxiety throughout the day though... which would be a good thing! I guess its a case of holding fire and not trying anything new until the Venlafaxine is out of my system. Starting to feel a bit annoyed and despondant about the whole thing though.... I've been taking anti-depressants since August last year and have tried countless different ones, and even now 15 months on, we're pretty much back at square one - just with an added list of all the tablets that don't work or have such bad side effects that they do more harm than good 

I'm so tired of all of this... I was looking at pictures of myself from way back in 2007 earlier and I looked so much more alive! The smile was natural, I didnt have bags under my eyes, my hair and my skin was healthy.... now I just look at pictures of myself and see someone who is so tired and very scared. I seem to have shrunk, not just in physical size - but I'm not the person that I was.... I'm just wracked with constant guilt, constant unanswerable questions, constant tiredness, worry and brain fog.... its all getting too much. I can't concentrate on anything for very long and I now have this medication course that I need to get the first unit done and posted off by the end of the week.... With things like that, I've always been a bit of a geek, get it done and out of the way and know that it is as perfect as I can physically make it - I can't even concentrate long enough to read the units, nevermind tackle the actual coursework! I don't want to have to ask for extra time... why should I need it?! Its not like I'm busy with children or work or a full time job.... Sorry. Thats a bit of a rant, I just feel so angry at myself that all this time is just passing by and I'm not getting any better long term... I may have a couple of weeks of being 'ok' but then I pay for it afterwards with such a big low that its almost not worth it.

Sorry, just feeling a bit sorry for myself 

Well munch, for what it's worth I think you still look loverly.

Don't be sorry for "ranting"

Hughe *(* to you my dear

[Zaf]

I know, I'm as nervous as hell, I'll report back soon... p.s. Hope your well

I'll be thinking of you

I start most days feeling overwhelmed, anxious and tearful but usually as the day progresses I improve :)

[Zaf]

My grandparents have been doing our family tree for a couple of years now and have found out loads, however when I asked my grandad if any of our ancestors had some kind of mental illness he just got really angry, I have never and I mean NEVER seen him angry It was like he was hiding something and then when I asked my dad if he knew if any relatives or ancestors that had mental illness he just shrugged it off. It is a well known fact that mental illness runs in my dads side of the family which is why I don't understand it, all I want to know is a bit about my family history so I can figure myself out a bit more.

I know it sounds stupid but I really do think that if I knew more about my ancestors and my blood line I would be able to make some sense of my life.
Maybe I am chasing ghosts but its something that really bothers me, I don't know anything about my own family and that is one of the most basic of things in life isn't it?

feeling wound up over this now and I don't even know why I want to know so badly
smirfy
 

there was a huge stigma with mental illness in your granddads days and its something that stays with someone for life I think,  its possible someone close to him had mental illness which was treated very differently even 30 years ago so it is probably bringing bad sad or difficult memories for him.

I can understand you needing to know,  my mum's side of the family has depression and I'm convinced it does run in families.  I wonder if there is any other way you can research this without having to ask your grandfather or dad?

[cornish]

I agree with zaf about it being stigma.
I think there is a lot of stigma still involved, I get treated very differently by 2 people at work.


Feel like I'm going to collapse due to exhaustion and I'm very emotionally unstable, slightest thing and I'm in tears.




Lol. The pain is pretty much constant and is mainly on my right side. My lips and nose have starter to feel numb too.

[Zaf]

anyone else I'd suggest they rest and take time off work but I know thats not what you want to do cornish, I wish I could help more but I dont know what to suggest &*(

Are your regular appointments with the mental health team helping at all?