Cornish I am concerned for you and the damage that the SH must be doing, I am really concerned that you are going to bleed out and we will lose you. I know from experiance that SH is addictive, a great release and bloody painful which is why its so affective. Is this something you are getting help for??
Im feeling more and more low as the weeks go by, I have asked for help as this cannot go on but its a lengthy process and I fear that I might simply decide to end it all, I fantasise about it and death is no longer something that scares me.
smirfy
it is being addressed, last time i was at risk of bleed out was when i slit my wrist with suicidal intensions and yet again bloody guilt over making a mess stopped me, i cauterized the wound, now left with a cut and a burn scar on my left wrist. i think addiction to it might be part of it but the way its helps me is just so much better than anything else ive tried.
i feel the same about death and well i dunno what to say really other than we would miss you dearly.
I'm worried for you too cornish but I have no experience of si so dont think I can say anything more apart from voicing my concern too. Having said that please dont feel you have to hide it from us because how we feel.
Hang in there smirfy, it must be awful knowing that the help will take soe time, do you have an emergency number to contact one of your medical team if you need to?
thanks my dear, i wont hide it, im more open here than anywhere else, but saying that there is a lot that i haven't even mentioned here, im just not ready for that yet, i haven't spoken to anyone about those things
Zaf I am afraid that even if I did have an emergency number to contact it would be of no use to me, the end is not something I would plan its something that could quite simply happen without thought. this is just how life has become for me and I feel like I am walking about oblivious of life.
I wish that I was strong enough to carry on fighting this but I have been fighting it for so long that its all become to much of a struggle, I have asked for help so that I don't feel like this anymore so I guess thats my fight at the moment.
How are you doing, are you still fighting the fight
smirfy 
i have a number saved in my phone but i feel the same way as you, when im in that situation there is nothing i would do to actually stop, well other than guilt of making a bloody mess, but the other plans take care of that with no mess.
i fell that way too, its only been some where between a year and a half and 2 years for me but it seems like a pointless struggle where i just seem to get gradually worse
its never easy getting to that goal but for you I only hope that you are able to get there.
I have started off the process of getting help by changing my doctors surgery to one hear at uni and I had my first appointment last week with my new GP and the Nurse practitioner, Unfortunately I am no longer under the care of my psychiatrist because I stopped going to see her so I have been referred to the mental health team hear but I am told it could take up to a month to get an appointment with the psychiatrist which means it could take up to a month to have my meds changed because my GP wants me to have an assesment first before she treats me with any medication.
Its all very upsetting and frustrating especially as university is going so well and I should be happier than I have ever been, people ask me if I am high or drunk when manic and then people tell me to smile or to cheer up when I am low. there seems to be no inbetween anymore like there used to be.
I wish I was able to be possitive and not be so negative when writing on hear, and I can't help but feel that I am getting people down.
smirfy
i feel for you
have you thought about a medical bracelet with the details of your illness and medication when its sorted, i was told to get one as its an easy way to show your illness and for people to accept it, well i was told something along those lines, the other reason for mine was due to the many meds and the high dosages i take if i had an accident for paramedics to see. i havent got one though as jewelery scares me
i get paranoid its to tight or its going to get caught and rip part of my body off
dont worry about being positive/negative here, your more likely to document the downs than the highs, i think we all are, i know i do. your not getting people down.
