Author Topic: Jokes thread  (Read 85924 times)

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #675 on: January 13, 2020, 05:09:44 PM »
NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

2016: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.

2017: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.

2018: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

2019: I will work out 3 days a week.

2020: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #676 on: March 01, 2020, 03:58:29 PM »
Used to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister.  The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they'd have to move.  "It's no use," Robbie said. "She's crawling good now and she'd probably just follow us."

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #677 on: April 01, 2020, 07:18:56 PM »
Early one evening a gentleman scuttled out to his garage and pulled the lawn furniture out onto the driveway. Shortly after followed the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.  A curious neighbor wandered over and asked from a distance if he was going to have a garage sale.  "No," replied the gentleman, "my son just bought his first car and right now he's getting ready for a big date. He'll be taking the car out soon to pick up the girl."

"So what's with all the stuff?" asked the neighbor.

"Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys, and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work, I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him."

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #678 on: April 04, 2020, 02:32:12 PM »
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.  "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.  Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.  The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.  She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You sang it, didn't you? Yeah, I know you did.)

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #679 on: June 16, 2020, 11:18:38 AM »
I was in a long line at 7:45 am at the grocery store that opened at 8:00 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.  He returned and tried to cut in again, but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.  As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you people don't let me unlock the door, none of you will ever get in to shop."

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #680 on: July 18, 2020, 04:42:25 PM »
A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?"

His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you."

The man goes, "Are my children here?"

"Yes, Daddy, we are all here," said the children.

"Are my other relatives also here?"

And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."

The man sits up and says, "Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #681 on: July 18, 2020, 04:45:38 PM »
There was this guy who always seemed to lean slightly to the left all the time.  His friend suggested he see a doctor to have his legs checked out.  The guy refused said his friend was crazy.  But he finally went and, sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was shorter than his right!  A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later he was cured; both legs were exactly the same length and he didn't lean left anymore.  His friend said, "You didn't believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg."

The guy said: "I stand corrected."

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #682 on: August 21, 2020, 10:57:53 AM »
One year, Little Johnny's family was having the "extended family" 4th of July cookout at their home. One of the special treats that year was the lighting of the fireworks (Roman candles, bottle rockets, missile batteries, etc.) they had bought out of state (they're illegal in their state, of course!)  Just before they were to arrive, a cousin calls, saying their neighbor's plans had just fallen through, and could they bring them along to the picnic they even had extra food to bring "Sure, the more the merrier!"

Upon arrival and meeting of their cousin's neighbor, it is discovered that he's a police officer. The father turns as innocently as he can to Johnny and whispers to him to grab the paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere quickly. Johnny disappears, and the father changes the topic to food for the day. This family had brought some chicken to grill, so the father tells them the gas grill is all set to use out back just turn on the gas and push the ignition button with the lid still closed.  They head out to the back as Johnny comes back in through the front door. The father hurries to him and says "Whew, that was close!  That man's a police officer, and he almost saw the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?"

"Oh, yeah, nobody will ever think to look in the grill!"

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #683 on: September 01, 2020, 11:36:19 AM »
THE 10 LAWS OF LIFE

1. When ones hands are covered in oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of Itchiban)

2. Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened. (Incuranctions So Sorry Law)

3. When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't followed all the instructions. (Destiny Awaits Law)

4. The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it's exactly 3.14 times higher, hence the importance of pi. (Law of Pi Eyed)

5. The probability that one will spill food on one's clothes is directly proportional to its need to be clean. (Law of Campbell's Scoop)

6. Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause the doorbell to ring. (Law of O'golly Gee!)

7. Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of ones hairdo. (The Hair-Wind Principal)

8. After discarding something not used for years, you will need it one week later. (Law of Irreversibility)

9. Arriving for an appointment will cause the receptionist to be absent, and if one arrives late, everyone else else arrived before you. (Law of De Lay)

10. Do not take life too serious, because in the end, you won't come out alive anyway. (Law of Absolute Certainly)

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #684 on: September 01, 2020, 11:38:06 AM »
YOU MIGHT BE A PASTOR IF...

~ You've waded in a creek wearing a necktie.

~ You've ever dreamed you were preaching only to waken and discover that you were.

~ You'd rather negotiate with terrorists than the church organist.

~ You see a picnic as no picnic.

~ You've ever wanted to fire the church and form a congregation search committee.

~ You've been tempted to take up an offering at a family reunion.

~ You've ever wanted to give the sound man some feedback of your own.

~ You've ever wanted to lay hands on a deacon, and you didn't mean praying for him.

~ You often feel like you are herding cats instead of shepherding sheep.

~ Your sermons have a happy ending everyone's happy when it ends.

~ You've never preached on TV, because your wife made you get down before you broke something.

~ You feel that it is your job to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.

Amanda_George

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #685 on: September 25, 2020, 01:17:59 PM »
BBC News.

Man dies from eating more than a bag of liquorice a day.

I guess it takes all sorts.
Money talks, chocolate sings!  :-D

May your life be as pleasant as you are.

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #686 on: September 28, 2020, 06:53:26 PM »
 :rofl:

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #687 on: October 10, 2020, 06:17:32 PM »
A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"

They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.  "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard a big splash.  "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?"