Author Topic: Jokes thread  (Read 74634 times)

Ezel

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Jokes thread
« on: September 02, 2010, 08:28:22 PM »
 Cat Quotes

"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats."
- Dave Platt

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow."
- Jeff Valdez

"There is no snooze button for a cat that wants breakfast."
-Anonymous

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods.
Cats have never forgotten this." - Anonymous

"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."
- English proverb

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."
- Ellen Perry Berkeley

"One cat just leads to another."
- Ernest Hemingway

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later."
- Mary Bly

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia."
- Joseph Wood Krutch

"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life."
- Faith Resnick

"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior."
- Hippolyte Taine

"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats."
- Anonymous

"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats."
- Albert Schweitzer

The cat has too much spirit to have no heart."
- Ernest Menaul

"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me."
- Anonymous

"Time spent with cats is never wasted."
- Colette

"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well."
- Missy Dizick

"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats."
- Colonial American proverb

"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want."
- Joseph Wood Krutch

"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit."
- John S. Nichols

"The smallest feline is a masterpiece."
-- Leonardo Da Vinci

"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it."
-- Anonymous

"Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
-- Robert A. Heinlein

Michibelle

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Re: Cat Quotes
« Reply #1 on: September 03, 2010, 07:27:23 AM »
This made me laugh out loud this morning, so thank you!
Go, confidently, in the direction of your dreams!

Live the life you have always imagined...

Ezel

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Jokes thread
« Reply #2 on: September 17, 2010, 01:50:25 PM »
 Getting Old

- Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

- Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

- The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

- Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want to people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

- How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

- When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

- You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

- One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

- One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

- Ahh, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

- Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

- If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

- First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper, then...Oh, my goodness, you forgot to pull your zipper down!

- If you jog in a jogging suit, lounge in lounging pajamas, and smoke in a smoking jacket, WHY would anyone want to wear a windbreaker??

And best of all...

- I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
« Last Edit: December 07, 2017, 10:29:50 PM by Pip »

Ezel

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Ways To Get Rid Of Telemarketers, Part I
« Reply #3 on: September 25, 2010, 12:54:38 PM »
 Ways To Get Rid Of Telemarketers, Part I

An old one, but a good one...

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for Bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." When they get try to get back to the sell, just continue your problems.

3. If they say they're Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name, then ask them to spell the company name, then ask them where it located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"

5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? Oh, my gosh! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.

6. Say, "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

Ezel

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Ways To Get Rid Of Telemarketers, Part II
« Reply #4 on: September 25, 2010, 12:55:28 PM »
 Ways To Get Rid Of Telemarketers, Part II

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in a sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"

8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood.

9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh- huh, really, or "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone that's a complete stranger.

10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics." You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh, my goodness!!!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allow to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home. (This is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers)

lightenup

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Re: Ways To Get Rid Of Telemarketers, Part II
« Reply #5 on: October 08, 2010, 12:58:02 PM »
Brilliant Ezel, I normally just ask them can they hold for a second and go ahead doing normal things they don't like holding after 10mins or so...............

A few weeks ago I was really unwell 2 words the second was off................not good
Poor is the person who takes pleasure out of the persecution of others

emogirl

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Re: Getting Old
« Reply #6 on: November 02, 2010, 09:50:21 AM »
 ;D
some in there i can identify with  &^% &^%

Stonesour

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Re: Getting Old
« Reply #7 on: November 04, 2010, 08:29:01 PM »
 ;D

Munchroom

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An Idea....
« Reply #8 on: July 31, 2011, 03:40:07 PM »
I had an idea of a sort of game we could play  :-\ I'm not sure if it will work - there could be a glaringly obvious flaw which I have not considered! But basically what we do is ask a question BUT it absolutely has to be positive!! It will get those replying remembering good events or... compliments they've been given, favourite things that perhaps they haven't thought of for a while etc... Then the person that answers the question gets to ask a new one for anybody to answer and it could just roll on like that.... I know I have times when I'm not all that imaginative so we could always re-use questions, give someone else the chance to give their answer.... Hopefully this makes sense and I am not just rambling!!  ::)

Ok... my first question - for anyone to answer is:
 
What is the nicest compliment anyone has ever given you?
This too shall pass.

lightenup

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Re: An Idea....
« Reply #9 on: July 31, 2011, 07:00:36 PM »
My mum gave me a cushion today saying "A daughter is a Special Friend" 

What do you hope to achieve tomorrow?
Poor is the person who takes pleasure out of the persecution of others

Zaf

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Re: An Idea....
« Reply #10 on: July 31, 2011, 07:17:24 PM »
To get to work and get through the day without having a panic attack

What is your favoutite food or meal?
Certain things catch your eye, but pursue only those that capture your heart.

Munchroom

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Re: An Idea....
« Reply #11 on: July 31, 2011, 07:20:34 PM »
Cheese...olives, some nice fresh bread, maybe a bit of pastrami or cured meat

What has been the highlight of the last seven days for you?

(Thanks for replying guys!!  :))
This too shall pass.

lightenup

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Re: An Idea....
« Reply #12 on: July 31, 2011, 07:52:33 PM »
My mother in law getting out of hospital.

What's your favourite saying?
Poor is the person who takes pleasure out of the persecution of others

Zaf

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Re: An Idea....
« Reply #13 on: July 31, 2011, 08:03:06 PM »
As much use as a chocolate teapot

If money was no object what/where would your ideal holiday be?
Certain things catch your eye, but pursue only those that capture your heart.

Munchroom

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Re: An Idea....
« Reply #14 on: July 31, 2011, 09:01:09 PM »
Lapland... In a little hotel on the Russian border, if money was no object I'd also get married whilst there  ;)

What is your favourite film?
This too shall pass.