Author Topic: Jokes thread  (Read 74622 times)

Amanda_George

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #645 on: August 29, 2019, 05:49:37 PM »
Archaeologists have made a major breakthrough in Egypt ~ they have found a tomb of an ancient king embalmed in chocolate ~ His name is Pharaoh Roche!
Money talks, chocolate sings!  :-D

May your life be as pleasant as you are.

Amanda_George

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #646 on: August 29, 2019, 06:24:52 PM »
I ate a clock yesterday,

it was very time consuming
Money talks, chocolate sings!  :-D

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Amanda_George

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #647 on: September 09, 2019, 06:17:15 PM »
And the Lord said unto John, "come forth and you will receive eternal life".

John came fifth and won a toaster.
Money talks, chocolate sings!  :-D

May your life be as pleasant as you are.

Amanda_George

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #648 on: September 09, 2019, 06:20:16 PM »
Jokes about white sugar are rare, but jokes about brown sugar?  Demerara
Money talks, chocolate sings!  :-D

May your life be as pleasant as you are.

Amanda_George

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #649 on: September 09, 2019, 06:22:44 PM »
To the person who stole my MS Office, I will find you.  You have my Word.
Money talks, chocolate sings!  :-D

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Amanda_George

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #650 on: September 09, 2019, 06:24:26 PM »
Who is bigger, Mr Bigger or Mr Bigger's baby?






The answer is Mr Bigger's Baby as he's a little Bigger
Money talks, chocolate sings!  :-D

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Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #651 on: September 10, 2019, 05:39:58 PM »
 :rofl: can't beat jokes like these

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #652 on: September 14, 2019, 06:17:09 PM »
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.  After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.  The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.  The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.  The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

Amanda_George

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #653 on: September 15, 2019, 08:28:55 AM »
 :bash: :thud:
Money talks, chocolate sings!  :-D

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Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #654 on: September 23, 2019, 08:00:46 PM »
A young salesperson peeped into the office of someone who looked like a sales manager, muttered something, then started walking away. After retreating a little he seemed to change his mind and headed back to the door where after some hesitation, he started to back away again. The sales manager, feeling sorry for the young man, and surprised that he was so badly trained, called him in.  "You're a salesperson aren't you? What are you selling?"

"Sirr uh yes I'm a salesman. I'm sorry to bother you. I was selling insurance, but I'm sure you don't want any. Sorry to have wasted your time."

Feeling sorry for the young bungler, the sales manager bought two policies to give the young salesman some confidence and then started teaching him about selling. He said: "You should have different pre-planned approaches for different kinds of ..."

"But I do, sir,” the young salesman interrupted, “the one I just used is my planned approach for sales managers. It always works. Thank you!"

Amanda_George

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #655 on: September 24, 2019, 06:23:12 AM »
:sSig_lol3: :lolbig2:
Money talks, chocolate sings!  :-D

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Amanda_George

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Cows
« Reply #656 on: September 30, 2019, 03:34:51 PM »
Another one from Facebook:

Money talks, chocolate sings!  :-D

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Pip

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Re: Cows
« Reply #657 on: October 01, 2019, 03:38:07 PM »
That's brilliant  :sSig_lol3:

Amanda_George

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Re: Cows
« Reply #658 on: October 01, 2019, 06:33:14 PM »
I love jokes like that... easy pleased, me!   :sSig_cool2:
Money talks, chocolate sings!  :-D

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Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #659 on: October 10, 2019, 05:13:45 PM »
An man was stopped by a game warden recently with two ice chests full of live fish in water, leaving a river well known for its fishing.  The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim' round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of bunk! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"

The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" said the man.

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"