Author Topic: Jokes thread  (Read 68241 times)

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #630 on: July 04, 2019, 08:49:01 PM »
A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store.  "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?"

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #631 on: July 04, 2019, 08:51:53 PM »
A 4-year old son was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, "Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?"

"Because," his dad explained, "after you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidize, thus changing the molecular structure and turning it into a different color."

There was a long silence. Then the son asked softly, "Daddy, are you talking to me?"

Amanda_George

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Gross joke
« Reply #632 on: July 05, 2019, 10:02:50 AM »
If you aren't a fan of bodily function jokes then don't read any further.

This was part of an ad for something on my Facebook wall.  Made me and the hubby go "ewww" but it's true though!
Money talks, chocolate sings!  :-D

May your life be as pleasant as you are.

Amanda_George

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #633 on: July 07, 2019, 04:52:50 PM »
Two prawns were swimming around in the sea. One called Justin and the other called Kristian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten".

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted".

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old friend.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old chums simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin gradually realised that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam to Kristian's home.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again".

Kristian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner".

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed..."

"I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Kristian"
Money talks, chocolate sings!  :-D

May your life be as pleasant as you are.

Pip

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Re: Gross joke
« Reply #634 on: July 07, 2019, 09:06:44 PM »
 :rofl:

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #635 on: July 29, 2019, 09:45:55 PM »
Kids have a greater need for speed than classroom computers can deliver.  Impatient to turn in his term paper, one restless student kept clicking the "Print" command.  The printer started to churn out copy after copy of the kid’s ten-page report.  The topic?

"Save Our Trees."

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #636 on: August 04, 2019, 04:18:25 PM »
A man goes into a dentist's office.  Man: "Excuse me, can you help me? I think I'm a moth."

Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."

Man: "Yes, I know."

Dentist: "So, why did you come in here?"

Man: "The light was on."

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #637 on: August 10, 2019, 05:40:59 PM »
At a large corporation, the CEO who was leaving presented the new CEO with three numbered envelopes.  "Open one of these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

At first things went along smoothly.  Six months later, sales took a downturn and the CEO was catching a lot of heat.  Then he remembered the envelopes.  He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope.  The message was: "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO.  The press and Wall Street responded positively, sales began to pick up, and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later the company experienced another dip in sales plus some product problems.  Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope.  The message: "Reorganize."

This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.  After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times.  The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.  The message said: "Prepare three envelopes."

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #638 on: August 10, 2019, 05:50:42 PM »
For the first time in many years, a friend of ours traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie.  After buying his ticket he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $11.50, my friend couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movie, popcorn was only 15 cents."

"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #639 on: August 15, 2019, 08:11:05 PM »
The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday.  When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.  "What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic," her mother said.

"It's too late! the little girl said. "I've already prayed for rain."

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #640 on: August 15, 2019, 08:17:22 PM »
I was driving home from work when I was pulled over for not wearing a seat belt. Three days later, I got the same ticket, at the same stop, from the same cop.  “So, have you learned anything?” asked the cop.

“Yes, I have,” I began. “I've learned it's time to find a new way home from work.”

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #641 on: August 18, 2019, 05:02:54 PM »
One evening, a bird-lover stood in his backyard and hooted like an owl and an owl called back to him!  They had a whole "conversation."  He tried it again the next night, and the next and the owl always answered.  He was fascinated.  Sometime later his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor. "My husband spends his nights calling out to owls," she said.

"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."

Just then it dawned on them.

Amanda_George

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #642 on: August 20, 2019, 10:08:27 AM »
One evening, a bird-lover stood in his backyard and hooted like an owl and an owl called back to him!  They had a whole "conversation."  He tried it again the next night, and the next and the owl always answered.  He was fascinated.  Sometime later his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor. "My husband spends his nights calling out to owls," she said.

"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."

Just then it dawned on them.

Oh dear lol
Money talks, chocolate sings!  :-D

May your life be as pleasant as you are.

Amanda_George

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #643 on: August 29, 2019, 07:49:37 PM »
Archaeologists have made a major breakthrough in Egypt ~ they have found a tomb of an ancient king embalmed in chocolate ~ His name is Pharaoh Roche!
Money talks, chocolate sings!  :-D

May your life be as pleasant as you are.

Amanda_George

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #644 on: August 29, 2019, 08:24:52 PM »
I ate a clock yesterday,

it was very time consuming
Money talks, chocolate sings!  :-D

May your life be as pleasant as you are.