Author Topic: Jokes thread  (Read 62259 times)

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #615 on: November 24, 2018, 07:24:57 PM »
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer replies, "In the region of $325,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

Pip

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Re: Who Are You?
« Reply #616 on: November 24, 2018, 07:29:37 PM »
Quiet

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #617 on: May 06, 2019, 10:26:41 PM »
Last year I entered a marathon. The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.  The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?"

I replied: "You really want to know?"

Then I dropped out of the race.

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #618 on: May 09, 2019, 03:30:10 PM »
Imagine this scene: God sitting on His thrown. A man standing in front of him next to scores of blackboards, whiteboards, electronic displays, and the like.  God is looking at the man with a very bored expression on His face.  He addresses the man, "Okay, I said you could have all the time you needed to make your point. Time is nothing to me here. But explain to me once again how your presentation proves I don't exist!"

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #619 on: May 20, 2019, 08:11:01 PM »
A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick was advised by a friend to take up yoga to ease her nervousness. She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.  One day her friend stopped her and noticing her well long, groomed nails asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness.  "No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead."

Amanda_George

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #620 on: May 30, 2019, 12:02:38 PM »
what did the scarf say to the hat?

You go on a head, I’ll just hang around here!
Money talks, chocolate sings!  :-D

May your life be as pleasant as you are.

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #621 on: May 30, 2019, 05:04:22 PM »
 :thud: :happy0158:

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #622 on: May 30, 2019, 05:04:46 PM »
A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.   His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.

"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #623 on: June 30, 2019, 08:59:25 PM »
Irritated Boss: "Can't you hear that the phone is ringing?  You must answer the telephone!"

New Secretary: "All right, but it seems so silly.  Nine times out of ten, it's for you."

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #624 on: July 04, 2019, 08:49:01 PM »
A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store.  "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?"

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #625 on: July 04, 2019, 08:51:53 PM »
A 4-year old son was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, "Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?"

"Because," his dad explained, "after you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidize, thus changing the molecular structure and turning it into a different color."

There was a long silence. Then the son asked softly, "Daddy, are you talking to me?"

Amanda_George

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #626 on: July 07, 2019, 04:52:50 PM »
Two prawns were swimming around in the sea. One called Justin and the other called Kristian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten".

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted".

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old friend.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old chums simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin gradually realised that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam to Kristian's home.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again".

Kristian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner".

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed..."

"I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Kristian"
Money talks, chocolate sings!  :-D

May your life be as pleasant as you are.

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #627 on: July 29, 2019, 09:45:55 PM »
Kids have a greater need for speed than classroom computers can deliver.  Impatient to turn in his term paper, one restless student kept clicking the "Print" command.  The printer started to churn out copy after copy of the kid’s ten-page report.  The topic?

"Save Our Trees."

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #628 on: August 04, 2019, 04:18:25 PM »
A man goes into a dentist's office.  Man: "Excuse me, can you help me? I think I'm a moth."

Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."

Man: "Yes, I know."

Dentist: "So, why did you come in here?"

Man: "The light was on."

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #629 on: August 10, 2019, 05:40:59 PM »
At a large corporation, the CEO who was leaving presented the new CEO with three numbered envelopes.  "Open one of these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

At first things went along smoothly.  Six months later, sales took a downturn and the CEO was catching a lot of heat.  Then he remembered the envelopes.  He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope.  The message was: "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO.  The press and Wall Street responded positively, sales began to pick up, and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later the company experienced another dip in sales plus some product problems.  Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope.  The message: "Reorganize."

This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.  After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times.  The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.  The message said: "Prepare three envelopes."