BPD

[Catbrian]

CaptK... I have spent too long deducing what other people might be thinking about me.  For me, that trait is probably based on paranoia. Bottom line, we don't know for sure what someone is thinking.  The Doc, if he specialises in Psychiatry, probably appears blasé because he has seen it all before, nothing will shock or surprise him.  I try to put my paranoia aside and press ahead with whatever it is I want to say. 99% of the time, I eventually deduce my doubts were unfounded.

For many years I periodically badgered my psychiatrist.  I knew something more than depression or PTSD was wrong.  Everyone kept saying it was because I had been through such a traumatic event in my life, I was bound to feel bad.  But, I knew for sure, something more was at the core of my MH.  It took 13 years before the Personality Disorder was diagnosed. It has been a revelation and my understanding is helping me deal with the depression a lot better.  I can now ascertain what symptoms are down to the depression and what are the PD.

I am still doubting my Bipolar diagnosis.  I was supposed to go back to the Psychiatrist to discuss it further.  My extreme mood swings do last considerable periods of time, but I am more troubled by the rapid swings on a daily basis.  My CPN assures me that the clients she sees with PD all have major issues with these rapid mood swings

[captainkeefy]

Hi Cat,

I think one of the hallmarks of BPD is extreme emotionality that can come on like a storm. I understand how severe a PD is. The one thing that gets me is all my moods swing really fast but I don't think it's the same as depression or Bi-Polar. I think it comes from excessive emotionality due to being so vulnerable to other people's opinion on me. I am going to talk about the moods with my G.P. this week, hopefully get some help with that. The thing is that I don't understand is other people with PD's report something really bad but for me I think it's all emotional abuse. My Dad left at three. My mum was either overly praising or overly critical to the point where I used to get punched and kicked. I also spent a large percentage of my childhood alone in my bedroom until I was about 13. That's when I remember gaining attention for the first time and it was like and drug to me. The the attention stopped so I started getting in with the wrong crowds, but bad attention was better than no attention.

I've got to admit I've left my wife tonight. I'm climbing the walls in my head and she was really critical of me. So I said I was leaving. I can't handle marriage anymore love is like fire it burns me inside then it just goes out and I go numb and hate everyone. Sometimes I think I just can't take life anymore. I'm not suicidal but I just can't see a future right now. I hate the lonliness and that empty feeling inside but in a way I like because when I'm like this I feel nobody can hurt me.

[Buttercup]

Hi CK

If it helps, I get spells when I'm incredible irritated, to the point where hearing someone breath is way too much. In such moments I just want to run, run out of the house just to get away. For me, though, that would never solve the problem because I'm trying to run from myself.

For you, tonight, it's different, your wife has upset you & you can't take it anymore but is it your wife you're running from or yourself, in that you want to escape the torment?

I hope you're back with your wife & think you should write down the emotions that have lead to this to show the GP.

Xxxxxx

[captainkeefy]

Hi Buttercup,

I'm staying at my mums tonight. I'm going back in the morning to take the kids to school. I just need some time to think. I don't think she is very supportive at all. She has a lot going on but at the same time being told that she thinks that my depression is put on for attention is really insulting and makes it worse. For me I need a lot of praise and reassurance and I feel I'm getting the opposite. I don't expect it constantly but if she is prepared to judge me for everything negative I do then I could at least get a hug or something now and then.

Your posts are always really helpful. I think I'm probably running away from my feelings. It's too much, this depression I'm feeling. I feel worthless, when I see her tomorrow I'm going to tell her that I think I should move out for now at least. Then get stuck into therapy. I will write down how I'm feeling and show my G.P. no point suffering in silence.

[Catbrian]

I'm sorry you're not having a very good time.  For your wife to say the depression is for attention is a bit ridiculous, but it's probably an off-the-cuff response to her stress.  I'm quite sure you will be able to sit down and talk things through.  When you took her along to therapy, overall, it appears to have been a positive move.  Admittedly, you need your own 1-2-1, but do you think both of you might benefit from joint therapy?  The good thing about joint therapy is that allows both of you to discuss the depression constructively, without those silly off-the-cuff responses that, let's face it, we are all guilty of.

I've been celibate for 13 years because I found having relationships too difficult.  I just couldn't subject someone else to my moods.  I think it is very difficult for a partner to be compassionate if they are regularly facing our negativity.

I hope today is improving for you.

[captainkeefy]

Today is the hardest day I've had in ages. My moods not low though but my abandonment issue is massive. It feels like a hole in my chest or something. The thing is my wife's mum is really ill at the moment and I can't help but think this behaviour isn't fair on her. I think I should say that I will give her some space as I know what's coming next. I'm going to fall in love with her all over again and promise her the world and how I'm going to change.

The thing that's playing on my mind is Marilyn Monroe's old saying " If your not there for me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best."

I think I should say I should move out while I'm in therapy. I think this for me is rock bottom, I'm going to discuss this with my G.P. tomorrow and when she gives me the "We're all overworked and underpayed" I'm going to tell her straight that I can't face work, I'm distroying my marriage and I can't picture a future. I'm going to discuss my therapy with her too. I can't take much more of this.

[Buttercup]

Captain K, I think you've come to the right decision, you need to tell your GP how it is. If you're anything like me it would be best to write it down, ( I chicken out )

Your wife's attitude is wrong & shows a lack of understanding of your current situation. Maybe temporarily moving out is a solution but you really need to talk it through with her & perhaps your GP.

Right now I think you need urgent help and given that you've left home due to inner tourmrnt etc if you don't get a satisfactory outcome from your GP then I would consider taking yourself off to A&E.

Please take care xxxxxx

[Sweetpea]

I am so sorry you are feeling so bad. I feel for you with your wife not being understanding. It just makes things worse when our loved ones do not support us.

I hope your appointment with your Dr goes ok. I agree with Buttercup that writing things down beforehand helps. I tend to go mute when faced with my Dr and do not say what I need to.

S x x x x

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[captainkeefy]

Hi all,

I feel a lot better now. I've been doing a thing in Therapy called personality modes. The one I've been in later is called vulnerable child. The thing is I think that within this is an abandoned child with me and that's where I think my depression comes from when I'm in that mode. Now I'm in adult mode am a lot more logical/rational.

I'm going to see my Dr tomorrow and tell her exactly how I've been feeling. I find once I change modes I tend to forget the extent of the emotion I felt. It's great that I've been able to articulate how I've been feeling on these boards. It is giving me a better understanding of my moods and how they change. I think this is all down to my modes when I'm in vulnerable child I can't find solutions to any of my emotions. I think I'm dependant on the support of others so I need attention. If I don't get attention I go into the angry/impulsive child mode. If I get attention I go into happy child mode. Within me I would describe this as happy/elated
Child. This should be good to discuss with my Therapist.

When I said I can't see a future at the moment I mean I don't have work and I'm struggling with my wife. I understand she's got problems of her own but a hug once in a while and a word of encouragement would go a hell of a long way for me.

They'll probably up my dose of AD's tomorrow, hopefully that will help.

Thanks for the support guys. I'll cheer up soon and so some support to a few other people.

[Sweetpea]

We all have times when we need support and feel unable to offer support to others. That's the lovely thing about this forum there is always someone to offer words of advice and support.

I do so hope you get help and support from your Dr tomorrow.

Take care.

S x x x x

[Buttercup]

Glad to here you're feeling better about things  %^%

[captainkeefy]

Been the doctors. She was quite sympathetic and has given me a two month sick note and booked me an appointment with the physciatrist this afternoon. I didn't even have to do that much talking but what I did say I didn't beat about the bush with.

[Catbrian]

That's really good to hear CaptK.  I think, when we have a good understanding with our health professionals, it contributes to our feeling supported.  Sometimes it is not always easy to communicate exactly what's going on in our head's.  Booking you an appointment so soon with a Psychiatrist demonstrates her understanding.  I hope you get on okay with the appointment.  It's probably the best thing that can happen right now.

I don't mean to sound nosy, but you've been on my mind.... How are you getting on with the separation?  Have you been able to work things out?  I hope everything is going okay.

[Buttercup]

Hope it went ok with the Psychiatrist Captain K.

Thinking of you xxx

[captainkeefy]

yeah it went well. She said she see's me at the opposite end of the spectrum to narsasistic or histrionic. She said these are over compensations for my self loathing. She said I have a lot of internalized anger. She said I'm lucky I could of quite easily killed myself. She's bringing the DSM to give me an official diagnosis in 2 weeks. For the first time in my life I'm genuinely looking at being diagnosed with a PD. I've got to admit I'm pretty scared by that now..she thinks there's a lot more trauma in my childhood than I'm letting on. I so confused by all this now, I have been really open I don't think I hate myself. I'm thinking is this some sort of reverse psychology? I'm getting six months of intensive weekly therapy. My anti depressants have been upped to 20mg of fluxatine.  I feel like I've had a good day of it.