BPD

[captainkeefy]

I've posted this on the other thread I started but here's mine.

Paranoid    ||||||||||||    50%    50%
Schizoid    ||||||    26%    40%
Schizotypal    ||||||||||||    42%    56%
Antisocial    ||||||    30%    46%
Borderline    ||||||||||||    50%    45%
Histrionic    ||||||||||||||||||||    90%    35%
Narcissistic    ||||||    30%    40%
Avoidant    ||||||||||||    46%    48%
Dependent    ||||||||||||||    58%    44%
Obsessive-Compulsive    ||||||||||||||    58%    45%

[Catbrian]

I was just reading your scores.  Just making dinner.... will come back later to look at them in more detail.  I notice you're also more Histrionic...pew 90%.  I have very high scores for paranoid, schizoid and schizotypal, which is no surprise!

[captainkeefy]

I find when I've had a push cycle my cluster a scores go up to 75% my borderline goes up to around 75% too! My narsasistic score goes down to about 10% and my avoidant score goes up to 70ish but my histrionic drops to low 80's

[Buttercup]

Just done the test.  Heres mine


Paranoid   ||||||||||||||||||   78%   50%
Schizoid   ||||||||||   34%   40%
Schizotypal   ||   10%   56%
Antisocial   ||   10%   46%
Borderline   ||||||||||||||||   62%   45%
Histrionic   ||||||||||   38%   35%
Narcissistic   ||||||   26%   40%
Avoidant   ||||||||||||||||||   74%   48%
Dependent   ||||||||||||||||||   74%   44%
Obsessive-Compulsive   ||||||||||||||||||   74%   45%

ummm  seem to score quite highly on a few of them.  Its not surprising though  I did identify highly with cluster c which incorporates the last three and all three are connected with anxiety which I have in abundance.  The paranoia stems from the bipolar, I think.

Maybe this explains why i am constantly anxious etc.

[captainkeefy]

It's interesting to see the results of different people. The thing that interests me most is Catb's test compared to the diagnosis. Makes me wonder that the high histrionic score was actually a lot higher

[Catbrian]

I just wanted my scores to be on the same page so as to compare

Paranoid   74%   
Schizoid   74%   
Schizotypal   74%   
Antisocial   34%   
Borderline   66%   
Histrionic   78%   
Narcissistic   54%   
Avoidant   26%   
Dependent   42%   
Obsessive-Compulsive   54%   

[Catbrian]

It has been an eventful day for one reason and another.  The PD test is an eye opener and much of what CaptK writes is interesting, even identifiable (if that's the right word).  I'm tired so it's off to bed for an early night

[Buttercup]

Night night Cat

[captainkeefy]

Hi All,

Today my wife's gone the hospital. Her mum has been diagnosed with cancer and when she left I felt my abandonment issue quite intense. It feels like anger, jealousy and loneliness all in one emotion and its strong. I was thinking to myself 'this is unfair on me.' But I know it's not. Then I think 'I'll show her for leaving me.' That's not fair on her. If I say anything I know I'll get called selfish, but I'm not. I just hate this emotion, I bet when she gets home I won't be able to look at her or talk to her. I'll just appologise for my behaviour and explain its not her fault. I doubt she'll understand though.

[captainkeefy]

She's back and I'm okay, maybe this Therapy and awareness is helping!

[Catbrian]

One of the things I admire about you, CaptK, is your honesty, mainly with yourself.  The insight you have is inspirational.  Although, I appreciate the insight doesn’t exactly make everything better, but hopefully it does make it manageable.

This afternoon, I was thinking how much easier it is to live with certain traits when there is a good understanding of what they’re all about. It sounds like you were having a taste of that today

Today, having a better understanding of PD, it feels like there is a little more control over it.  It sort of feels like suddenly being able to take a step back and see those powerful emotions, and associated behaviours, for what they really are.  I wonder if others feel as if their MH issues are like a separate entity to the real you.  They manifest against our wishes and seem to have a mind and a will of their own.

I would agree that your own awareness did help you deal with the abandonment issue today.  I could almost feel the strength of those emotions from your post.  Were you able to discuss this with your wife at some point after she returned?  I think that would be very beneficial in helping you take more control of those issues.

The powerful and raw emotions in your post today, felt so very familiar and conjured up (or should I say exhumed?!!) memories of painful emotions in my distant past.  I have had lots of flitting “affairs” in my younger days, and had 2.5 serious long-term/live in partners.  I suppose you could say my own “abandonment issues” did cause a number of problems within those relationships.  It’s odd; these issues are not very easy to remember or to admit.  I have no memory or reasoning of where they originate, I doubt it is with my parents, but maybe it is…

My memory does me no favours trying to remember specific symptoms of PD.  I wonder if abandonment features somewhere in there.  It feels a little odd to be fifty and only discovering certain new things about myself.  Considering I have always been a “soul-searcher”, this feels a little weird.

As always…. A very thought provoking thread…

[Buttercup]

I agree with Cat, your high level of insight must help you get through situations that are tricky for you.

I need to read/think more about this one. I'm not surprised with the way my pd test turned out but for me the bipolar diagnosis explains a lot & my mood cycles are far too long for those associated with PD. that leaves me thinking that it could be comorbid, it explains the other bits that happen in between mood swings & anxiety etc. The question is if this was the case is it something I want to pursue? At present I don't think so, the bipolar label causes me enough headaches!

Food for thought!

[Catbrian]

BC... I've never been one for looking through MH illness's and conditions; always thought it would put ideas into my head.  I do not know a lot about PD or Bipolar.  However, at a guess, I would think many of the traits of BP are similar to some of the traits of PD.  I have both highs and lows of PD and probably BP.  I am on one of those highs at the moment but it is largely under control with the amount of meds I'm using.  However, it is still tough and relentless and never very pleasant.  At the end of the day, even a psychiatrist would have difficulty pigeon holing the more complex patients.  I think the only thing that's important is that we identify and understand the traits of our particular condition.  I think we all agree, understanding the traits puts us back in control of the situation.

I love this thread, it is always thought provoking.... almost like group therapy online.

Time for me to go off line; try chill for a while before bed

[Buttercup]

I know what you mean, there is always the danger of having things put in your head. I think for me, I'd like to understand my anxiety more because it bothers me in some way more than the bipolar!  I'm hoping that when I have my psychological assessment there will be some answers but at the same time I'm scared.

[captainkeefy]

I think that my problem is that I've been putting ideas in my head. To me though I think my highs and lows are exclusively linked to my 'abandonment issue.' For me praise leads to elation, criticism leads to distress or depression but I'm wondering if this is linked to my 'core belief thats out of place' (my therapists words.) core beliefs are responsible for our inner personality. I'd like to know a bit more about Bi Polar, my episodes of euphoria last a few hours tops and come from praise. Depression tends to occur when I get criticised I.e. reprimanded in work. I think I send most of my time in a neutral mood. Especially if I'm alone.

I'm a little confused about today. My wife has actually said I've been distant, quiet and snappy. She also said I've spent a lot of time on my phone (I blame you guys, lol!) but the thing is I haven't noticed my behaviour being off. She has asked when I'm seeing my Therapist again because she wants to know what's going on. Usually on a push cycle I can tell because I feel really frustrated with her, I almost can't stand her being around. Today I just felt like I wanted to do my own thing. I wouldn't say I was exactly pushing her away but it's interesting she has said this after this mornings post.

I've tried to explain my abandonment issue to her but she asks me questions like I decide its outcome. The problem is it tends to blind side me and I think it's more sub conscious than conscious. How do you explain it to someone? It's like indigestion with anger, jealousy and lonliness and tends to make me feel like there's a void inside me and I feel impulsive when I feel like that.