I'm not entirely sure how i'm feeling of late as I feel like i'm so indecisive. One minute I feel like I have turned a corner then an hour or two i'm really self critising and down.
I haven't been out of the house for just over a week now since I went stupid.
I cant really explain things fully but the past few weeks have been very very weird for me. I drank again two weeks ago but this time it was different as I knew it was wrong and I intentionally drank hoping it would hurt me. Not the same as self harm I know but to me it was my way.
Lately, for a few weeks now ( started whilst on holiday) I justfeel that everyone in the street is looking at me and they know. They know everything about me and they go home to their perfect world and they laugh at how much of a fool I am, how I am rubbish at everything, business, father, husband just at life. I find myself looking at everyone but its like a dream, yes I am mad I feel as its like I see myself looking at them like I am not me, like a movie showing a dream state of mind but its real, i'm awake and i'm there doing it. Some people shy away and look away, others stare back, some stop and shout at me so I shout back, if they stare I shout, if they look away I shout. I have become a social misfit, the kind of person years ago I would escort out of shopping centres, call for back up for, now thats me.
Why is this all happening to me? The doctor gives me pills, they do nothing but make it worse, he ups the pills they do nothing but turn me into an embarrassment in public. My citrol pills are now at40mg, waste of time they are,the diazepam make me sit still but i then just sit alone, i want to be alone.
worse is going to happen now as I have tried for 5 weeks to fill in my esa50 form but i kept hiding it, if the form isnt here my thoughts will go away I think but i know thats not true.
why are they making me fill out this form anyway? i dont want their charity i want my business back, my own money, my own life not their silly benefits but i know i need them until i can get better so there they have me, making me fill in silly forms like a begger just so they can say sorry you are lying and have to find a job. idiots they are but they hold the cards and i must obey. find a job haha who would hire me? I wouldnt even hire me. I cant even go to the shop now or put the bins out how can i do what i could do. psycho store detective or not so handy handyman....suppose i could work in tesco in the back out of sight of the public like some ashamed of secret child out of a hammer horror lol.
ok i'm waffling again but i'm sort of settled right now even if the pain is driving me mad. who is helping me actually?
physio cant help neck until MRI scan thats due ( how i'm going to handle that god knows, it petrifies me just thinking about it)
DOCTOR JUST KEEPS giving pillsthatdont work while wait for appt from mental health team...i sit and suffer, my family suffer me.....*sigh*
