Author Topic: Jokes thread  (Read 55779 times)

Pip

  • Administrator
  • Super Hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 5090
    • Touched by Adoption
Re: Oh dear!
« Reply #585 on: July 20, 2018, 08:17:53 PM »
 :rofl:

Pip

  • Administrator
  • Super Hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 5090
    • Touched by Adoption
Re: More jokes from the writing forum
« Reply #586 on: July 20, 2018, 08:20:01 PM »
 :confused0062:

Amanda_George

  • Please be gentle with me!
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2752
  • "Auntie Banana"
    • Amanda's ultimate navigation to all her webpages
Re: More jokes from the writing forum
« Reply #587 on: July 21, 2018, 12:06:25 PM »
A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

----

A woman is trying all sorts of lotions, potions, and exercises, to increase her bust size.  None of them seem to work.

Her husband suggests she just rubs a couple of squares of toilet tissue up and down between her breasts a few times each day.

"I'll try anything, but how does that work?"

"No idea, Love.  But it's worked on your arse."

----

Why did the dyslexic agnostic with insomnia stay up all night? A: She was wondering if there really is a dog.

----

dyslexics of the world:  UNTIE

----

 How much room is needed for fungi to grow?
 As mushroom as possible

----

What do you call a fake noodle?
 An Impasta.

----
Money talks, chocolate sings!  :-D

May your life be as pleasant as you are.

Amanda_George

  • Please be gentle with me!
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2752
  • "Auntie Banana"
    • Amanda's ultimate navigation to all her webpages
Re: More jokes from the writing forum
« Reply #588 on: July 23, 2018, 03:22:44 PM »
I was standing at the bar of Terminal 3 in the Los Angeles International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer.
 
I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says, "No, I don't. And furthermore, why the hell would you ask me that? Is it because I'm Chinese?"

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick."
___

Why can you never trust an atom?
 Because they make up everything
___

A boy complains to his father "You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! It didn't! All they did was laugh at me!"
Father: "Yes, but you should have realised that the potato goes at the front."
___

Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree.

Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella.

Walnut: I look exactly like a brain.

Banana: Can we just change the topic please?
Money talks, chocolate sings!  :-D

May your life be as pleasant as you are.

Pip

  • Administrator
  • Super Hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 5090
    • Touched by Adoption
Re: More jokes from the writing forum
« Reply #589 on: July 24, 2018, 06:05:45 PM »
 :biggrin:

Amanda_George

  • Please be gentle with me!
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2752
  • "Auntie Banana"
    • Amanda's ultimate navigation to all her webpages
Re: More jokes from the writing forum
« Reply #590 on: July 25, 2018, 11:28:47 AM »
Farting in a lift is wrong on so many levels.
___

Tonight I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach.
 At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning.
___

My brother went to jail. He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults and
attacking everyone, he even threw his faeces on the wall. I don't think we will play Monopoly with him again.
___

I hate cliffhangers because...
___

Someone stole my mood ring. I don't know how I feel about that.
___

My grandfather has the heart of a lion, and now, a lifetime ban at the zoo.
___

Money talks, chocolate sings!  :-D

May your life be as pleasant as you are.

Amanda_George

  • Please be gentle with me!
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2752
  • "Auntie Banana"
    • Amanda's ultimate navigation to all her webpages
Re: More jokes from the writing forum
« Reply #591 on: August 09, 2018, 12:24:46 PM »
Money talks, chocolate sings!  :-D

May your life be as pleasant as you are.

Pip

  • Administrator
  • Super Hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 5090
    • Touched by Adoption
Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #592 on: October 19, 2018, 07:00:34 PM »
A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning."

Her husband replied "Well, lots of dogs can do that."

The wife responded, " But we've never subscribed to any papers!"

Pip

  • Administrator
  • Super Hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 5090
    • Touched by Adoption
Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #593 on: November 07, 2018, 09:45:27 PM »
A sales rep, an administration clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke.  The genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Poof! She's gone.  In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse and the love of my life."

Poof! He's gone.  "Okay, you're up," the genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Pip

  • Administrator
  • Super Hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 5090
    • Touched by Adoption
Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #594 on: November 24, 2018, 07:24:57 PM »
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer replies, "In the region of $325,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

Pip

  • Administrator
  • Super Hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 5090
    • Touched by Adoption
Re: Who Are You?
« Reply #595 on: November 24, 2018, 07:29:37 PM »
Quiet

Pip

  • Administrator
  • Super Hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 5090
    • Touched by Adoption
Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #596 on: May 06, 2019, 10:26:41 PM »
Last year I entered a marathon. The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.  The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?"

I replied: "You really want to know?"

Then I dropped out of the race.

Pip

  • Administrator
  • Super Hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 5090
    • Touched by Adoption
Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #597 on: May 09, 2019, 03:30:10 PM »
Imagine this scene: God sitting on His thrown. A man standing in front of him next to scores of blackboards, whiteboards, electronic displays, and the like.  God is looking at the man with a very bored expression on His face.  He addresses the man, "Okay, I said you could have all the time you needed to make your point. Time is nothing to me here. But explain to me once again how your presentation proves I don't exist!"

Pip

  • Administrator
  • Super Hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 5090
    • Touched by Adoption
Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #598 on: May 20, 2019, 08:11:01 PM »
A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick was advised by a friend to take up yoga to ease her nervousness. She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.  One day her friend stopped her and noticing her well long, groomed nails asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness.  "No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead."

Amanda_George

  • Please be gentle with me!
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2752
  • "Auntie Banana"
    • Amanda's ultimate navigation to all her webpages
Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #599 on: May 30, 2019, 12:02:38 PM »
what did the scarf say to the hat?

You go on a head, I’ll just hang around here!
Money talks, chocolate sings!  :-D

May your life be as pleasant as you are.