Author Topic: Jokes thread  (Read 145662 times)

Pip

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Re: Re: Re: Alien Movie Quiz.
« Reply #600 on: May 20, 2018, 07:46:27 PM »
Tough Exam

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.  The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.  Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

Pip

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Re: Re: Re: Alien Movie Quiz.
« Reply #601 on: May 29, 2018, 06:52:56 PM »
Rescue

There once was a flood and everyone had reached safety except for one man.  He climbed to the top of his house with the water lapping at his feet.  A helicopter flew over his head and hung down a rope for him to climb, but the man was deeply religious and said, "It's alright! The Lord will save me!"

So the helicopter flew away. The water continued to rise and a boat came to him but, once again, the man shouted, "No! Go AWAY! the Lord will come and save me!" and, once again, the boat sped off.

The water was getting dangerously deep by now so the helicopter came back and, on cue, the man repeated, "I don't need saving! My Lord will come"

Reluctantly, the helicopter left.  The rain continued to pour, the water continued to rise and the man drowned.  At the gates of heaven, the man met St. Peter. Confused, he asked, "Peter, I have lived the life of a faithful man why did my Lord not rescue me?"

St. Peter replied, "For pity sake! He sent you two helicopters and a boat!"

Pip

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Re: Re: Re: Alien Movie Quiz.
« Reply #602 on: May 29, 2018, 06:57:00 PM »
Party Entertainment

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they would help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.  The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.  The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did midair flips, and leaped high in the air.  She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $100!"

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. HEY WILLIE! FOR $100, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"

Amanda_George

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restaurant themes
« Reply #603 on: June 26, 2018, 03:41:19 PM »
I've booked a table for me and the wife at an Elvis Presley themed restaurant.

It's for people who love meat tender.
Money talks, chocolate sings!  :-D

May your life be as pleasant as you are.

Amanda_George

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Apple shop robbery
« Reply #604 on: June 26, 2018, 03:44:47 PM »
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?
Money talks, chocolate sings!  :-D

May your life be as pleasant as you are.

Pip

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Re: restaurant themes
« Reply #605 on: June 26, 2018, 08:51:02 PM »
*groan*  :thud: :c45:

Pip

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Re: Apple shop robbery
« Reply #606 on: June 26, 2018, 09:02:37 PM »
 :chin: :biggrin:

Amanda_George

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Re: restaurant themes
« Reply #607 on: June 27, 2018, 09:15:36 AM »
Sorry Pip!    :lol3:
Money talks, chocolate sings!  :-D

May your life be as pleasant as you are.

Amanda_George

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Re: Apple shop robbery
« Reply #608 on: June 27, 2018, 09:26:41 AM »
I'm blaming a writing forum for yesterday's two whatsits!   :confused0062:
Money talks, chocolate sings!  :-D

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Amanda_George

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More jokes from the writing forum
« Reply #609 on: June 28, 2018, 10:04:27 AM »
All I'm guilty of is copying and pasting them onto this forum!  lol

---

Two hydrogen atoms are walking down the road. One stops and says, "Damn it! I've lost an electron!" The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "I'm positive!"

---

What do you call a row of rabbits hopping away? A receding hare line!

---

A camel meets an elephant. The elephant asks jokingly: “Why do you have two breasts on your back?” The camel replies: “With a face like yours, I’d just shut up.”

---

A woman was just taking a bath when she heard the doorbell. She thought she’d just pretend not to be home but then the ringer called, “Hello? Anybody home? I’m the blind guy!”

“Ah well, if he is blind I can go and open the door just like this. No need to dress.” thought the lady, hauled herself out of the bath and went to open the door.

“Wow,” said the guy waiting there, “you should be on a fitness studio advertisement!  Now, where should I put those blinds?”

---

Two mice meet and start chatting. “Look,” says one, “I’ve got a new boyfriend!” and shows the other mouse a picture on her phone.  “OMG,” cries the other mouse, “that’s a bat!”   â€œWhat?! He told me he was a pilot!”

---

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

The barman looks at them coldly and asks "Is this some kind of joke?"

---

Two fonts walk into a bar.

The barman says, "Sod off.  We don't serve your type around here."
Money talks, chocolate sings!  :-D

May your life be as pleasant as you are.

Pip

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Re: More jokes from the writing forum
« Reply #610 on: July 02, 2018, 08:23:45 PM »
 :m121: :lolbig2: :rofl: :lol3:

Amanda_George

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Oh dear!
« Reply #611 on: July 12, 2018, 09:28:51 AM »
Steve found this on Facebook last night so blame him, not me for this one:

Money talks, chocolate sings!  :-D

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Amanda_George

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Re: More jokes from the writing forum
« Reply #612 on: July 12, 2018, 09:49:08 AM »
More jokes from the same writing forum:

Why did the can crusher quit his job?
Because it was soda pressing.


What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.


Knock-knock jokes are fun, the person who came up with them should definitely get a No-Bell prize.


My friend bought a dog from a Blacksmith.
As soon as he got it home, it made a bolt for the door.


On a beautiful summer’s day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.

At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch and one of the tourists asked the waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?”

The girl leaned over and said: “Burrr… gurrr… King.”


Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.


News: "Boy George's reptile bites 5 people in one day."

He needs a calmer chameleon.


What do you call an alligator that’s wearing a vest?
 
An investigator.


A lizard walks into a bar pushing a baby in a pram. "What's your kid's name?" asks the bartender. "Tiny," says the lizard. "Because he's my newt."


Knock. Knock

Who's there?

Panther.

Panther who?

Panther no pants, I'm goin' thwimmin'.


Andy has 150 candy bars. He eats 125. What does Andy have now?

Type 2 Diabetes. Andy has diabetes now.
Money talks, chocolate sings!  :-D

May your life be as pleasant as you are.

Amanda_George

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Re: More jokes from the writing forum
« Reply #613 on: July 18, 2018, 10:27:39 AM »
What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
 You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish.
---

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
 "Breathe, stupid!"
---

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

Because if it had four doors then it'd be a chicken sedan.
---

Diplomatic 'Speak your weight machine'.

"Your ideal height is eleven feet six inches."
---

The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar.
It was tense.
Money talks, chocolate sings!  :-D

May your life be as pleasant as you are.

Pip

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Re: Oh dear!
« Reply #614 on: July 20, 2018, 08:17:53 PM »
 :rofl: