BPD

[Buttercup]

Hi

Glad it went well, so she is going along the pd lines? Out of interest what is at the opposite end to histrionic or narsasistic?

Xxx

[Sweetpea]

Its so good to hear you are getting the help you need and deserve.

S x x x x

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[Catbrian]

That all sounds really positive.  What is DSM?  Being given a diagnosis does initially feel a little frightening, but it gives you something concrete to work with.  I was also wondering what the opposite end of histrionic or narcissistic is?  Borderline?

I'm pleased this is working out so quickly for you, most people aren't that lucky and usually wait a long time to get this far.  Weekly therapy is definitely an improvement on the current monthly sessions.

[Buttercup]

I can answer that one Cat, the DSM is the psychiatric diagnostic manual, its got all the criteria in. Although I thought we favoured ICD in this country. DSM is the American version, ICD the international.

Xxx

[captainkeefy]

I told her about my self diagnosing and she found it quite funny and I said that's my impulsive child being naughty and she found that quite funny too. I thought she said DSM but she said diagnostic manual. I think the opposite of histrionic and narsasistic is somewhere either borderline or outside of cluster B maybe avoidant. The thing that springs to mind though. I even said a few weeks ago on these pages that I see myself as comorbid between histrionic and avoidant. At times I'm shy at other I hold all the attention in the room. She said about my self loathing but I don't hate myself at all. She said I had a hatred of both my parents, all this is going to take a lot of convincing for me to except. She said narsassists are always in the mirror (yep!) have a unrealistic sense of entitlement (yep!) and lack empathy (aparently I do) although I'd say in was more apathy I.e. I've got enough to worry about, with worrying about you.

Me and my wife are back on speaking terms now. The psychiatrist said she would like 10 minutes with my wife to discuss my wife's issues. Hers are worse than mine. The psychiatrist asked me where my feeling of being inferior came from and to be honest it's probably my wife. My wife doesn't see the good in anything, can never see anything positive in life and holds me responsible for everything. I'm not blaming my wife here at all. It's not her fault what happened to her. I'm just saying I used to have a lot more self worth before I met her.

[captainkeefy]

Okay, been trying to right a post for two hours and I keep deleting them. Today is a really different day for me. The suns shining outside. My mood is relaxed, I feel like everyone cares about me again. I feel worthwhile again. I don't feel like burying my head in the sand.

[Catbrian]

To have listened to you over the past couple of weeks and then to hear the outcome of your meeting with the Psychiatrist and your current frame of mind, all feels very positive.  It’s not unusual for people with PD to feel they identify with a few symptoms from a number of clusters.  I imagine a specific diagnosis is very difficult.

This is the link to the leaflet on Personality Disorder, for anyone who is curious
http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/expertadvice/problems/personalitydisorders/personalitydisorder.aspx

Today I was explaining to my Care Coordinator (CPN) about how I largely identify with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (Borderline), but I also have debilitating bouts of cluster A.  There were times, over the past 13 years, when I have been in fear of losing my mind, as the full force of Paranoia, Schizoid and Schizotypal symptoms engulfs my entire life.  She says this is very probable and is something I need to discuss with the Psychiatrist, whenever I get around to organising a car!

It’s good to know you’re on speaking terms with Mrs CaptK again.  Fallouts only make the situation more unbearable.  I think it can only help the Psychiatrist to have a meeting with her.  I’m sure if there is anything she can do to help; she’ll be in a better position to guide you both in the right direction.

As always, CaptK, your insightful honesty is an inspiration.  I’ve never been able to be as brave; there are always hidden issues I find too painful to address.

[captainkeefy]

Hi Catb,

You know that one of the diagnostic things for BPD is serve bouts of paranoia. I would say I suffer from this from time to time too. Thinking that people are talking about me behind my back. This has been worse lately, I could of actually sworn that people have muttered things and I've turned around and said "what?" And they said they didn't say anything.

I don't know if I've posted this yet but the psychiatrist said she would be looking for a personality that has abandonment issues, anger, impulsive and self destructive behaviour. Which leads me to this...

'BPD is manifested by a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1) Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5).
2) A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. This is called "splitting."
3) Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4) Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5).
5)Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.
6) Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7) Chronic feelings of emptiness.
8) Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
9) Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.'

[Catbrian]

I think I need to read a bit more about PD.  The positive affect from the little awareness I have gained should be enough to make me want to read more.  Trouble is, reading can be such a chore.  It's one of the major symptoms of many a depressive.  I can sit and read a page while thinking about something entirely different.  Whenever I finally manage to absorb the page, I only forget the content by the next day

I'm assuming that you are identifying with the symptoms of PD, particularly borderline?  How do you feel about facing a diagnosis?

[captainkeefy]

Hi Catb,

I've edited the above post. It is the diagnostic criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder. 5 or more are needed. If you take what I've talked about with my Therapist and add it to what the psychiatrist said she could see in me.

Therapy.

Abandonment issues, weak sense of self, push/pull cycles or idealising and devaluing (splitting)

Psychiatrist.

Abandonment issues, self destructive behaviour, impulsive, depressive. Self harm was mentioned and she said I've internalized lots of anger.

As soon as I thought about it all the diagnostic criteria springs to my. Lets face it when we think of ourselves we think of the hear and now. The MH professionals are looking at everything that's gone wrong in life and look at the personality traits that cause the problems and the traits that cause me problems from what I've been talking about are above.

[Catbrian]

Hey CaptK....  I have to admit, the little knowledge I have, coupled with your very honest posts, it came as no surprise that the Psychiatrist was in agreement that your symptoms are part of PD.  At times, that is obvious to me.

Apparently, according to my CPN, most people feel relief at being diagnosed with a PD.  I know that’s true for me.  Finally, I can understand why I am, at times, the most impossible person.

I would think most depressives internalise anger, some people believe it is the root of most forms of depression.  Until recently, I was too ashamed to admit that anger features so predominantly in my depression.  It is probably what holds me together at times. 

"Splitting" has always been a feature of my personality.  It is something I have had difficulty understanding or controlling, and it gets progressively worse with the years.  I have left some very close friends completely bamboozled by my sudden withdrawal from their company; the normally compassionate friendship vanishes.  This can also relate to a Borderline PD trait, “Make friends easily, but just as easily lose them”.  The friends, who have stood the test of time, seem to see past this behaviour and accept it as a part of who I am.  I usually come round in time and continue the friendship where we left off.

Impulsive and self-destructive behaviour, if I'm honest, have consistently ruined parts of my life.  Often it seems I never learn from mistakes.  I am very ashamed of this trait.  I will go to great lengths to make excuses for such destructive behaviour.  Thankfully, as I get older, these particularly foolish actions are subsiding.  Perhaps, at last, I learn from experience.

When I did the test, I scored quite high for Histrionic.  I can identify most of those symptoms with my younger self - over dramatizing, self-centred, changeable emotions, suggestible, craving new and exciting experiences, worrying about appearance and even seductive.

 What I was trying to explain to my Care Coordinator (CPN) is that, while I have problematic issues with many of the symptoms of borderline and some Histrionic, I am learning to live with that side of my personality. However, the major problems I have with PD are with serious bouts of Cluster A.  That part of my personality I have hid from most other people.  Some of those traits, the self-centred, cold, with rather odd beliefs, are embarrassing.  Sometimes, it can feel like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

[captainkeefy]

Hi Catb,

I did a lot of reading about Borderlines at Christmas. People describe Borderlines as Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. I watched a film about a girl with BPD the other night and her favourite word was Ambivalent, which I think sums the personality up perfect.


ambivalent[ am-biv-uh-luhnt ]
adjective
1. having ”mixed feelings about someone or something; being unable to choose between two (usually opposing) courses of action: The whole family was ambivalent about the move to the suburbs. She is regarded as a morally ambivalent character in the play.
2. of or pertaining to the coexistence within an individual of positive and negative feelings toward the same person, object, or action, simultaneously drawing him or her in opposite directions.

That's it in a nutshell for me.

[Catbrian]

This is a link to the BPDWorld.  They provide information, advice, and support to those affected by PD

http://www.bpdworld.org/what-is-bpd/diagnostic-criteria

I particularly like this link to Mind, which is description of what it’s like to have a PD, written by a PD sufferer
http://www.mind.org.uk/blog/8225_the_burn_of_borderline_personality_disorder

What rings true for me is the extremes of absolutely everything, everything is either all good or all so very bad.  There is little scope for any in between.

Something that is recurring throughout my research and listening to CaptK, is abandonment issues.  It’s something I have never associated my character with, but the more I think about it, there is definitely a common thread of fearing abandonment.  It was actually one of the main reasons for my last two broken relationships.  I’ve always thought I had good insight, but my fear of abandonment is something that has been totally lost on me.  I now wonder if it features in my preference to remain happily celibate; it’s safer.

A general instability in emotions and moods is what drives me potty.  Even worse is a fluctuation in my feelings towards friends, family or loved ones.  Apparently, it is important for those close to BPD sufferers to educate themselves on the illness/condition, as it will help them empathise and, I guess, cope with the extremes of behaviour. 

[captainkeefy]

Wow, that mind link was something else. I thought everyone felt like that. In my world there's no such thing as constructive critism.

[Catbrian]

Weird you should say that because I also once thought everyone thinks similar to me.

I particularly relate to the lines

A person points out your flaws, but with BPD, you already know your flaws because you obsess about them all the time

Someone tries to encourage you by pointing out how you could improve on something; with BPD, you only hear the words, "you are a failure"

Someone tells you they are too busy to see you; with BPD, it means you have become a burden on them