BPD

[captainkeefy]

Hi Catb,

I must admit, I am confused by my personality. For me I would say I can relate to a lot of what is written about Histrionics but they sound very outgoing and dramatic. Where as I find myself really quiet and stand to one side a lot of the time but feel really frustrated that nobody is interested in me, to the point where I feel kind of insulted but I am worried about speaking up incase I'm critised and rejected by people. However once I get going and start talking I tend to turn attention towards me. I wouldn't say I'm overly dramatic but then I don't think a man can get away with this where a female could. I find if I'm talking to people I tell the my whole life story. I'm very, very open and I would said its very impressionistic, I've read what people write about people with HPD and its sounds a lot like me. I've noticed it in therapy that I will say things and it sounds like I'm lying because I'll tell him I feel really depressed and it doesn't sound convincing at all. I mentioned self harm like I was talking about my eatin my tea or watching the telly.

I could go through all the diagnosis criteria and discuss in depth how it fits. The thing is though I think a lot of traits of HPD I would do with more confidence. Like I always feel like bursting in the therapists office but I don't, so for me I think the behaviour is there but without the confidence and the thing I'm working on in therapy is confidence and self esteem. Maybe actually this could do as much harm as good as I think more traits would present themselves as I believe I would truly be the life an soul of every party then as appossed to ones I feel comfortable in.

[Catbrian]

If I feel people are not showing an interest, it can make me feel down and introvert.  I used to do a lot of part time work in pubs and loved going on show behind the bar with my Glaswegian patter.  I’m not so sure if I could do it now, but the trait remains the same.

Looking through the internet, searching for symptoms that match mine, was not something I ever felt comfortable doing.  I am quite impressionable; researching MH conditions would only put ideas into my head.  Back in 2000, I was diagnosed with PTSD secondary to depression.  Whenever I periodically met the Psychiatrist over the years, I was usually banging on about there being “something more”.  Typical Psychiatrist, he would always turn the question back at me, but I didn’t have a clue about mental illness/conditions

Every time I went to see the Psychiatrist, he writes a brief letter to the GP and sends a copy to me.  About this time last year, he wrote saying, “Brian is suffering agoraphobia”.  I thought he was talking about someone else until I read about it on the net; he was spot on.

Fast forward a few months later, when a different Psychiatrist added Personality Disorder to the list.  It still took 4-5 months before I would research PD on the net.  Every time my CPN paid a visit, she urged me to look it up.  They both knew how significant this diagnosis was, while I remained oblivious.

I think it is good to identify with whatever we are diagnosed.  However, I’m not so sure if delving into too many MH conditions on your own, will be a hindrance or progression.  I think anyone could quickly become emotionally drained and confused.  Life and depression is difficult enough…

[captainkeefy]

Yeah I agree it can cause more problems than solutions. With regards to P.T.S.D. I think I might have a repressed memory from a serious accident I had as a child I find thinking about this sets off anxiety even though I don't remember the traumatic part of the accident. I think this could be something to discuss in therapy

[Catbrian]

Where did you get the avatar?  Knowing what you write about, I wonder if it was drawn by you?

[captainkeefy]

Yeah, I drew it yesterday. I was feeling impulsive so I thought I would do something constructive. Although it looks quite morbid. It actually helped me get a lot of negativity out of me. I'm going to do an opposite of this next time I'm feeling impulsive

[Catbrian]

I thought it looked good and it figured with all the things you talk about on here; very expressive.

[captainkeefy]

Thanks, I spent hours drawing it. I've got my appointment this week and I'm quite nervous about it. I'm going to tell her I think it might be Bi-Polar as I'm having highs as well as lows. I had a few lows today. My moods have been all over the place to the point I was in a busy clothes shop today and I felt tears well in my eyes from nowhere. I had to fight them back. Then an hour later I was really chirpy and telling jokes. Then the low mood hit me out of nowhere.

The one thing I've been thinking today. My whole life I've felt this loneliness and its like a void, sometimes it's big, sometimes small but it's always there. I feel like I'm an outsider in life like someone is going to point at me and say " Your not real!" I feel like I've had something churning inside for years.

[captainkeefy]

I've just been looking at my medical centres website. The doctor I said was dismissive and off with me. Specialist subject physciatry, that's interesting

[Buttercup]

When's your appointment Captain K?

Your GP won't diagnose bipolar, they might agree but will have to refer you. There are forms of bipolar that cycle within hours (ultradian) but the standard is that you stay in an episode for a while. Although there are also mixed which are awful.

[captainkeefy]

My appointment with my G.P. is this week. My moods can change every hour or so. I think they would probably be noticeable every four hours or so. But I can probably go through some pretty extreme moods in a day. With regards my last post. I'm hoping that my g.p. being a physciatry specialist can help me out

[Buttercup]

Hopefully he/she will be good. Mine specialises in psychiatry & can change the level of meds, she told me she suspected I was bipolar, due to varying moods & I wasn't responding to anti depressants in the expected way but a psychiatrist had to confirm. I think this is common & due to the implications that the diagnoses brings.

How would you feel about the diagnosis if that's the way it went?

[captainkeefy]

Bi-Polar? To be honest I don't have a preferred diagnosis or anything I just want to stop feeling like life's a big struggle of an inconsistent person I.e. me. If I did get diagnosed Bi polar at least I've got something to work at changing rather than feeling lost

[Buttercup]

I think that's a good way to look at things. Once you know what you're dealing with you can form a plan!

Yep I get fed up with feeling like everything is an uphill struggle.

Will post later just realised the time, school run!

[captainkeefy]

I just feel like I'm slowly heading for insanity anything must be more constructive than what I'm doing at the moment

[Buttercup]

For me, not knowing was a form of torture, your mind wants to put a name to all the torment & suffering. To an extent I still get that, I try and turn it off. Many questions have been answered but not a lot of solutions found.

My support worker says I'm too hard on myself, maybe, but it's the way I deal with the depression side.  I refuse to cave in, some days it's so tempting to phone in sick but I force myself out the door & shove on some high beat music in the car. When I was at my worst I wouldn't let my hubby do the school run etc, by doing it it got me up.

The highs are trickier, partly as mine are rarely euphoric ones, having to carry on as normal is hell. But I refuse to let this beat me.

Sorry, this deviates but something I had to write, mainly for me.