Hello My Name Is Paul

[Zaf]

Have a great time with your boys Paul :)

Still a wee bit achy but well on the way to getting better I think thanks.

Zaf xx

[Depina]

Hi Paul
Have a BRILL time with your lovely boys.
Love DiXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

[Paulnp63]

Hi Zaf & Di,

Things seemed ok yesterday, got the boys, had a chat with my wife and no heated exchanges, on the way back my eldest more or less cuddled me all the way, ended up with them both sleeping with me last night and the bed isn't that big. I was so tired though that I didn't get up till midday, did try and get up before but just struggled to stay awake, it wasn't until this evening when I got a call from my wife about a letter she got concerning money problems again, she was really having a go and I could hear her mother in the background chipping in, it really knocked me and started to cry, my eldest cuddled me and said "please don't cry", I said I couldn't help it and I'll be alright, he told my mum and that he didn't want me to cry, my mum told him mummy and daddy are upset with each other at the moment, but it will be ok, he then said no nanna is upset with daddy, she keeps shouting at him, he also said without prompting that he didn't like it much at home without me there.

A little while after that call I had to go for a lie down, I had a headache and felt a little dizzy, also had some chest pains too, about an hour later I felt better and found a note next to me from my eldest which said "get well soon", I know I shall miss them when they go back, I also know I must be strong if I can.

Well only got one sleeping with me tonight, my youngest, he insisted he wanted to sleep with me.

So till later,

night Zaf & Di

[Zaf]

I'm so sad your wife couldnt wait until at least your boys went home before upsetting you again, if she has no concern for your feelings I'd have thought she might at least think of them

I know it wont be easy but try to put your wife and her mother out of your mind as much as you can while your lads are with you and enjoy having them with you :)

I cant remember if you've said how old hey are but I wonder if you or your mum ought to try to explain you are ill which is why you cant be with them all the time at the moment?  Sometimes kids blame themselves for parents having problems and one moving out.

Zaf xx

[Depina]

Aw bless them aren't they lovely boys. Sorry that you had hassle, it is hard but try and concentrate on the boys.
Enjoy your time with them, and the cuddles.
Hope things get better really soon
Thinking of you
Love Di XXXX

[Lol]

Paul. Kids are very resilient. And they don't hide their feelings as much as adults do! Your boys are verbalising how they feel which is a huge advantage for you. When I was little and going through some bad things I felt I couldn't tell anyone, so I just had to struggle through taking the world on my shoulders and trying to make everything ok myself. But no one knew! So no one could explain and take that weight for me. You have the advantage of being able to do this because your kids are opening up. Kids only need an explanation and to know that there is nothing they should be doing in the situation. That it is completely seperate to them and doesn't involve them. Acknowledge the difference in their world it has caused them, but teach them how to handle it. If they are upset that you are not there, one of your jumpers with your deoderant on it could be a huge comfort. Or go into the woods and each find a pebble, bring it home, buff it and shine it and tell the boys to always keep it in their pocket. don't confuse this with replacing yourself with a pebble! It is just a tool to help them feel more in control. the feeling of not being able to make contact when they want to (even if it is conceptual) feels out of control and to be able to touch somthing and feel close to some one, can be a great comfort. Also, ask them to imagine leaving your house and traveling to their house by what ever mode of transport they use, then explain that the connection to the ground was never broken. So at any time they can go outside, put their hand on the ground and it is the same ground that is under your feet also. Especially when you're on the phone together - it will feel like you are touching the same thing no matter the distance between you. Give them a shoe box full of stamped addressed envelopes and teach them how to use the postal service. This could be very empowering for them.

You are doing a great job as a dad. You haven't created this hostile situation, that is of your wifes doing

[Depina]

Lol
Gosh what good ideas really uplifting !! brought tears to my eyes. That SO makes sense!
Love Di XXXX
Hope things are good for you today.

[Paulnp63]

I'm so sad your wife couldnt wait until at least your boys went home before upsetting you again, if she has no concern for your feelings I'd have thought she might at least think of them

 Exactly what my mum said, I did try to ignore what she was saying, but it was such brutal words that cut me down, The cuddle I got from my eldest and helpful words from my mum helped me quite a bit, My eldest is so tearful at the moment, I feel so sorry for them, My eldest is 9 and will be 10 in March, youngest has just turned 8.

She called again this morning, she wasn't abrupt this time and was about nothing important, but I still had odd pains and headache today, was going to take the boys to the cinema, but we went to the doctors instead just to put my mind at rest. It was the same doctor (thought he was on holiday) and he took my blood pressure and said it was high, but he was pleased I had gone in to see him, we discussed what had happened and he was very helpful, he gave me my counsellors name and phone number while there, he was pleased with my progress and I said I have a lot around me here that are helping and I am on this forum here which also has and still is helping me too, I did mention about the boys going back and how I might feel, he advised me it was best not to go back with them, so my brother, his wife and my mum will take them back. I feel a bit better tonight, got them both sleeping with me tonight if I can find some room.

My eldest knows I'm ill I think, well he does now as he came into the doctors with me and my mum, not sure with the youngest, but I have had some long cuddles from him too, he makes out he doesn't love me as much as Mummy, funny he always turned to me when I was at home most of time unless you made a point of it.

well better get snuggled in.

Night,

Paul

[Paulnp63]

Paul. Kids are very resilient. And they don't hide their feelings as much as adults do! Your boys are verbalising how they feel which is a huge advantage for you.

You are doing a great job as a dad. You haven't created this hostile situation, that is of your wifes doing

Thank you Lol, I really love those suggestions and will certainly think about them when it's time for them to go, as I said to Zaf, my eldest is tearful at the moment and I feel sad I can't make things right for him, if things were different and I could, I have them both with me, my wife has said in the past if we ever split up you can have the boys, never knew if she was joking or what back then.

Night,

Paul

[Paulnp63]

Aw bless them aren't they lovely boys. Sorry that you had hassle, it is hard but try and concentrate on the boys.
Enjoy your time with them, and the cuddles.
Hope things get better really soon
Thinking of you
Love Di XXXX

I'm going to concentrate on the boys from tomorrow onwards, we plan to go to the cinema tomorrow morning now, got some shopping and that to do on Thursday and out for a lovely walk Friday around a lake which has ducks and swans in and a lot of wildlife to see, which I know the boys will love, my brother has two little dogs which my youngest can't wait to take for a walk, just hope the weather holds for us, wanted to go to a museum with them too but not sure we can fit that in now, just as well because looking at those few days it exausts me just reading it.

I do feel better tonight, but think I better get some sleep, if I can squeeze in the bed that is

Night Di

Paul

[Zaf]

Di is right, concentrate on your boys while they are with you and just keep telling them you love them :) xx

[Depina]

Hi Paul
Glad you are having a lovely time, children are so loveable aren't they?  I can't wait to cuddle my 2 grandchildren when they arrive tomorrow!!
Enjoy yourselves
Love Di XXXX

[Paulnp63]

Hi Zaf, Di & Lol

Well my boys went home yesterday and although it has really lifted me, it was still hard to see them go, I had some tears last night and felt a little down today but not as much as I thought, I didn't go with them as I took the doctors and others advice, my mum went instead, it sounded like it was just as well I didn't go as my mother-in-law came with my wife to pick the boys up at Exeter Services, my mum said she got out of the car and abruptly wanted to know where I was, my mum said I wasn't well and she replied "Aaahh bless", my mum felt like punching her in the face, luckily she didn't, she snarled on about the money problems and upset I had caused and that it was not her problem and what are we going to do about it etc but my mum reckons because I wasn't there, she turned and said to my wife come on lets go and went before anyone could really say goodbye, my mum, brother and his wife said that my wife was really quiet and if anything looked a little embarassed at her mum's outburst, but it upset my mum and she cried most of the journey back, this time it was my turn to cuddle my mum when she got home, she got some texts from my boys later and some more today, I spoke to them on the phone this evening, my eldest didn't sound to happy though, not sure if its because it's back to school tomorrow, leaving here or not been invited to a party my youngest went to today, whatever it was it was hard not being able to do much about it over the phone.

Even though I had a lay down earlier this afternoon and had a couple of hours sleep, I don't feel to down at the moment, just have to see how this week goes, other than that I hope your all well and have had a good weekend.

All the best,

Paul

[Zaf]

Your poor mum    it sounds like your mother in law wouldnt know compassion or understanding if it came up and bit her on the bum    its a good job you didnt go, well done for taking the advice not to go, some people wouldnt have!

Its lovely you had such a good time while your boys were with you, hopefully you can arrange for them to stay again before too much longer,  it is obviously hard for you not being able to help them over the phone but concentrate on getting well again, thats the best help your boys could have - their dad well again, take care xxx

[Depina]

Hi Paul
So sorry about the upset but great that you had such a lovely time with your boys, and good that you didn't have that confrontation. Sorry that your Mum was upset. Great that you had cuddles, that really helps.Also good that your boys keep in touch, and you can talk on the phone.
Keep strong and hope you get to see them again very soon.
Thinking of you
Di XX