Hello My Name Is Paul

[Paulnp63]

Hi Zaf,

I would always try to follow what the doctor said, I have missed a few of the tablets accidentally and I haven't noticed any difference, but then the most I've missed I think have been 2 in a row as a guess, I seem to go from having a number of days sleeping a lot and then a week or so not sleeping that good or vice versa, never seems to be regular, so I couldn't set a routine on anything I'd like to do, the counsellor asked me of a typical day, well it depends on how I am sleeping at the time, when I get up and how I feel etc, I assume thats why I ended up with the CD, got to see him again on Monday.

I don't know why but I just felt it was time to get involved with the Lions again a few weeks ago, maybe thats why I was happy to go, whatever it was I am glad I did go and felt good to have done so, all I hope is that I don't have a panic, start shaking the moment when it's time to go for the meal on the 10th and meeting the rest of them, we shall see.

At the moment nothing is helping me sleep unfortunately but I'll keep trying!  I can always let you have the name of the CD if you think it might help....

Worth a try I suppose, perhaps you ought to try my CD in return, the relaxing exercises he talks of might help, you might also take him a bit more seriously than I have,

Thinking of you too and hope you have had a good nights sleep since my last message,

take care,

Paul  :)

[Zaf]

Hi Paul

Its surprising how many people have a good week or two and think they can stop their medication, its good to hear you're planning to follow their advice and stick with it till they think its time to come off.

I think these weird sleep patterns are fairly common, they certainly are for me, I've done a bit better the last few days by remembering the essential oil, I only woke up 3-4 times after about midnight the last few days then with the help of the essential oils I managed to get back to sleep after a few minutes each time rather than tossing and turning for hours and eventually getting up.

I'm sure you'll be nervous but I hope it goes well for you, do you have any breathing exercises you can do or any coping mechanisms?  I imagine I am breathing in gas and air (like the paramedics give people) but mine is anti stress instead of painkiller gas, breath the gas in deeply and imagine the calming gas and breath out the stress, it might work for you too :)

I'll dig out the CD for you and send the title etc, I'll definitely give yours a try if you think it might help :)

Hope your counselling session goes well

take care, love Zaf xx

[Paulnp63]

Hi Zaf,

I think your right, woke up about 10am this morning and been awake all day, now I just can't get to sleep, spent the last few hours laying there with my eyes closed, no TV or Radio, then tried the Radio, now put the TV on and computer, I obviously slept about 3 days in a row, so now its about 3 days for me to be awake.

Was hoping to get into London Saturday, actually woke up about 7am, took tablets, had breakfast and got ready, I was feeling light headed though, think it was the blood pressure tablets starting to work, went and laid down till it went away, next thing I know its gone 3pm, I couldn't believe it, oh well I'll have to go another time, got something happening every day this week (thats if I don't sleep through it all) then the meal on Saturday with the Lions.

The CD I have looks like a copy with relaxation written in marker pen on it, it lasts 40 minutes and he says things like, lay or sit on the bed, now do some slow breathing in and out, then clench your toes for a minute and release, now your fists, then the stomach etc, I not sure what size the file would be if I copied it to my computer, if it's not to big I could send it to you by email perhaps if you would like to try it.

I'll see how I go on Saturday, I don't have any ways around being anxious, but if I feel shakey then I'll try your breathing idea before going ahead, (much the same on that CD in a way), I am hoping though I shall be ok, having met two of them may help ease things a bit.

The counsellor gave me goals of going to London, the theatre and voluntary work, well I have made and got the rolling on the voluntary side of things with the Lions, just haven't done the other two, but I will, lets see what he says later.

take care and hopefully having a good nights sleep,

Paul  :)

[Zaf]

Hi Paul

I sometimes wonder if we should let our bodies tell us when we need to sleep etc while we are ill but of course its not always convenient!  Its a shame you missed your trip to London but the positive thing is that you planned to go so a big step forward :)  just dont fall asleep On Saturday and miss the Lions dinner......

It sound like you have a good counsellor and you are making huge strides forward and you will do all those things in time, just dont forget that you might have a slight downward blip after any big challenge and feel proud you did it rather than disappointed you have a day or so feeling slightly worse.

It would be lovely if you could email the CD to me, I'll pm you my address.  The CD I have of waves is called Spirit of Relaxation, Ocean Surf- I'm nos sure how big it is but I could copy it and try to email that to you if ypu like.

Despite sleeping for 2-3 hours yesterday afternoon I did sleep well thank you so I'll keep my fingers crossed its the start of some better nights sleep.

Thinking of you
Z xx

[Paulnp63]

Hi Zaf,

Visiting the Counsellor went ok, he was pleased with my progress, (I only met the Lions which was only one of the things on the list), with the sleeping issue, I told him once I'm asleep I sleep for hours, just getting to sleep seems to be the problem. he said I should have a shower before going to bed, if I have a hot drink don't have coffee or tea, don't get up and eat in the night either, he also said maybe I should re-arrange my bedroom to fool my mind into sleeping, not a bad idea, but the room is only 12 by 8, the bed is the biggest bit of furniture in there, I could move it a couple of inches I suppose to see if that works.....made my mum laugh when I said that.....

I'm hoping I will be awake for the meal on Saturday, most days I seem to wake up about midday, the latest I have got up is about 3pm, I'm determined to go even if shaking to start with, once there I know I shall be ok.

Went round to one of my aunts last night, on the way round to her flat my mum tripped up the top step near the front door of the building, she couldn't stop laughing for some reason as I picked her up off the floor, she trapped her thumb in the car door last week too and had to have it checked, I don't know, at least she's ok, anyway my aunts son apparently went though depression too quite a few years ago and also struggled with sleeping, she said he asked the doctor for sleeping tablets, but he wouldn't give him any, he said he only wanted 5 or 6 just to try and get his sleeping cycle back to normal, so he did give him the tablets, well she said it worked for a couple of weeks and then he slowly went back to the old sleeping cycle again, she just said you have got to let all of this work it's way out of your system by grabbing any or all the possitives you can get hold of, something I'm trying to do...

I will set about copying the CD, like the counsellor said, it works for some people, but others end up throwing it in the bin.

Well hopefully your night time sleeping has continued, fingers crossed,

Take care,

Paul  :)

[Zaf]

Hi Paul, that all sounds very positive :)

I read somewhere that a hot milky drink was supposed to get you to sleep but I'm allergic to milk and soya milk definitely doesnt work for me!  In the past a warm bath has helped me sleep, I'd forgotten about that one so I might try it again if I need to.  My problem isnt so much getting to sleep but waking up a lot after a few hours, somedays are better than others but I will keep persisting and hopefully it'll all get back to normal before too long

Ouch, your poor mum, I do hope she's OK but at least you had a laugh and you made me smile thinking about moving your bedroom round :)

I'll be thinking of you Saturday,  and hope you enjoy yourself once you get there and settled down.

With love, Z xx

[Paulnp63]

Hi Zaf,

Had a really good evening with the Lions Club, coped with it really well, the only time I started shaking was when it was time to leave (about half eleven) and was chatting to some of them as they began leaving, one said she had gone through depression too and I wasn't to worry as they are friendly bunch and will help me settle in, the meal was really nice too, next time I see them will be in January.

Haven't tried a shower before bed yet, but thats the problem I have, once a sleep it's the waking up that's the next problem, thats why the morning has gone by the time I get up, I did move my bed by the way a couple of inches, didn't work!, oh well, will have to try the shower technique I suppose. Yes I didn't like soya milk either, remember a job we did some years ago the lady there couldn't tolerate diary products, she made us a cup of tea with soya milk, it was horrible!!, my dad usually has a hot chocolate before going to bed, not horlicks but a tesco own brand, will have to check the label to see what added, might be an idea.

Mum is ok and remarkable I think, a lot of it is because I think she is worrying about me, my sister-in-law that is having chemo thats giving her up and down days too, plus working at a playgroup 5 mornings a week, its could be why she a bit accident prone just lately, she is trying not to get to worried but its got to be hard not to be.

Mum spoke to my wife on the phone the other night and had a lovely conversation, I didn't speak to her, but from what mum says she was calm and talking about her work and that, her mum wasn't there so it's probably why she was at ease, I just spoke to my boys of which I couldn't get my youngest to stop talking when he was on, was talking to me for over an hour mainly about a book he had got and was reading it to me over the phone.

Well another step forward for me, I know I have still a way to go, but I was proud of myself Saturday evening, I still want to get into London though, but I either sleep for hours or shake and back out at the moment, but I will get there....

Hope all is well, take care,

Paul  :)

[Zaf]

Hi Paul,

Thats great to hear  :)  now you can look forward to seeing them again in January without being too worried.

I've started not waking up in the mornings too but I'm going to sleep around 8pm! I think our bodies take what we need when they need it and although its really inconvenient perhaps we simply have to accept it and let nature dictate what she wants and go with it as much as we can.

You're probably right about your mum, being a bit preoccupied might make her more accident prone unfortunately,  I think she is a wonderful mum and you are lucky to have each other :)

Its good to hear your wife was nicer this time, hopefully it will continue but as you say, if her mother wasnt there that might be the reason.  Its lovely to hear your boys are so enthusiastic to talk to you,  they must help a lot with your recovery, are they able to visit over the christmas holidays?

You will do it Paul,  you have improved so very much since you started posting and you have the right attitude :)

Take care

Z xx

[Paulnp63]

Hi Zaf,

It's seems at the moment I get to sleep about 4-5am, then wake up about 8-9am, so I decide to take my tablets when I wake and lay down again, the blood pressure tablets make me a little light headed for a minute or so or though it's not as bad as when I first took them, the next thing I know its gone midday, but I do feel tired most of the day anyway and if not careful can have a doze during the day, my mum thinks the tablets are making me feel tired, but I think your right we seem to take sleep as and when we need it.

The other day me, mum & dad, with me driving went to Cheshunt Tesco christmas shopping about 17 miles from us here, forgot just how big that store is, managed to get nearly all what we wanted, yesterday morning my dad took his car to be serviced, so I managed to stay awake to go and pick him up, then a little later went over and got my sister-in-law as she can't drive, later when my brother finished work he came over and we all went back to that Tesco again, today I slept it all off I think.

I'm hoping we can get the boys here after Christmas if the weather isn't to bad for the journey, be nice to have them here again, they did ask on the phone if they were coming up, but it's why we did some christmas shopping, we wanted to send a parcel of gifts to the boys so they have something to open on christmas morning from me, my mum has sent a couple of things too, my mum has finished work today for the christmas holidays, so thats one thing off her mind.

I have enquired about a web development course, all about building websites, something I would love to do, it's a home course so there is no pressure behind it apart from finding the money to pay for it, while I'm not working and only on ESA payments, I don't know if there are benefits to help with these things or not, it's something I will have to find out I suppose, I see the counsellor again on Monday, wonder if he will know.

Hope our body clocks sort themselves out soon,

Take Care,

Paul  :)

[Zaf]

Hi Paul

You are doing so incredibly well, you are an inspiration to others that suffer a breakdown by showing them how a bit of determination and a supportive family can make such a huge difference and its wonderful you are planning to do a course :)  I would the Citizens Advice Beauro (spelling?!) might know about benefits if your counsellor doesnt.

My husband (David) and I are trying allsorts to get my sleeping back to some sort of normality, I have a busy week at work next week so I might take half a diazepan tonight as I feel constanty washed out, I think I shall go to see my GP in the New Year about it if things dont improve soon.  If I didnt have to work I'd probably let nature take its course which I'm sure would eventually get my sleep patterns sorted out as I do very much think our bodies take what they want when they want but unfortunately thats not always convenient!

I'll keep my fingers crossed the weather improves so you can have your boys with you over the holiday period

Love to and your wonderful mum
Z xx

[Paulnp63]

Hi Zaf,

Thank you  :) well I always knew where I wanted to be and I think that's some of it, even though going through a breakdown I knew that, always said this to the doctor from the first time I met him too, it's just a lot of very tall hurdles to get over, of course your right I think the doctor, this website, my mum and family around me have done wonders to help in lowering those hurdles too, I wouldn't have made it this far without all that, yes I know there are a few more to get over, I too am really pleased at where I am now, just got to get out of my sleeping problems and overcome my anxiety towards work etc and I'm sure I will feel even better then, chatting with my counsellor yesterday he said I'm struggling to be assertive, not being able to say no that easy and says it's linked to me doing any work, from what was said between us, he says I'm worried I might end up with more work than I can cope with, so it's knocking me back, could be some of it.

He said if I can get all the information together about the course I want to do and feels I could do it, then he will look into it and see what funds they can supply for it, so that sounds good, I do think I'd be happier working on websites than going back into the building trade again.

I suppose not working or having that much happening in my life is perhaps why I tend to end up sleeping at all times of the day, that and the tablets too, then again I don't know what sleeping pattern I'd have if I was happen to be working, today I went to bed at about midnight and as yet haven't slept a wink, I now feel really tired and starting to get a headache, I shall have to lay down after this I think, I have an appointment for a blood pressure check at half past two, so if I go to sleep I just hope I don't oversleep.

I was going to email you that cd wasn't I, it may be to big as an attachment to be sent though, many email accounts wont let you send over a certain size, but there are other ways to send it over the internet if you still having trouble sleeping and would like to try it.

Take good care,

Paul  :)

[Zaf]

Hi Paul

Its great to hear you sounding so very positive,  just look back at some of your posts and you'll see a huge difference :)

Its very common for people that get depressed to be 'yes' people,  thats partly what started off my recent episode of depression, I just took on far too much and overloaded myself physically and mentally,  it is something you need to be careful about and really listen to what your counsellor has said, its great he is in tune with things like that.

Sleep disturbances are one of the most difficult to get sorted out in my experience,  I consider myself to be well on the way to recovery but the last 3 nights Ive taken a half dose of diazepam so I get a complete night's sleep,  it does eventually improve but its definitely worth asking your doctor if he has any other ideas on the subject.

It would be great if you could get the cd over to me somehow but please dont let it worry you if you cant, its really lovely for you to offer :)

Thinking of you and your family,  I hope you have a lovely Christmas together

Z xx

[Paulnp63]

Hi Zaf,

I think that's exactly whats happen to me, I have always been a person willing to help anyone within reason, never really one to say no that much as I hate letting people down, always found it hard sometimes I suppose to say no, and I guess with that, all the family crisis, trying to run the business and the mother-in-law verbal attack is what caught me so to speak, be interesting to see how he goes about it.

My mum worries about me sleeping at different times of the day, she is blaming the anti-depressants and thinks they are the cause, I must admit I could drop of to sleep quite easily any time of the day without thinking if not doing much, except when it's time to go to bed, can lay there for ages, I seem to sleep straight after taking my tablets in the morning though, did try and take them just before bedtime one night, didn't work, still slept the morning away later on and a bit of the evening too, seems I only get up to eat...

The next few days are busy, so it may help me, tomorrow we are visiting my uncle and his menagerie, sorry family, he had four children some who are now parents themselves, so there will be 4 kids there 6 and under too, one was only born a couple of weeks ago, that and a mass of pets they have, then my mum, brother and sister-in-law want to go to midnight mass, I always used to go so will too, then Christmas day will be at my brothers, (once I'm up that is), and then they come over on Boxing day, like you say, from my first message on here till now, I do far more now than I did, so we will see what happens.

I think I see the doctor in late January next, that and another blood test and pressure check, if I'm still not sleeping to good after Christmas I will have to look into going back earlier.

Have a fabulous Christmas too Zaf, and I wish a Merry Christmas to all the others on here too.

Take care and thinking of you too,

Paul  :)

[Lol]

Have a lovely Christmas and New Year Paul. Well done for your journey so far you have done so well and inspired many people on here with your strength and your lovely mum! Have a great time, relax and enjoy yourself.

Lol  :)

[Zaf]

Hi Paul

I think many people who suffer from depression do the dame thing then suddenly things go to overload for one reason or another and, wham, a breakdow

I know its a few weeks till you see your doctor but I'd suggest asking him if the medication could be causing your sleep problems if he says they arent then it will put your mum's mind at rest.  Weird sleep patterns are very usual for those of us suffering from depression

Try to allow yourself to rest if you need it over this busy time, have a great Christmas

Love to you and your lovely mum xx