Hello My Name Is Paul

[Paulnp63]

Hi All,

Looking forward to joining in,

I met my wife online and we married 10 years ago, have to young boys and used to love life, living in Cornwall how could you not, things went wrong when I started my own general building business after who I was working for retired, I ran the business completely on my own (finding work, quoting, doing the work, books and all), my wife is a primary school teacher and didn't want to get involved, I got the kids ready and off to school in the mornings and picked them up from the childminder in the evenings, did the shopping and shared the housework.

Last year my father-in-law became really ill and later died, did all I could to support my wife, I also heard my dad had heart failure who lived 300 miles away, plus my van had packed up and more work was coming in all the time, so quick found and bought a secondhand van, I decided to take on an apprentice because of the work load, only that made things worse as I was now a teacher myself as well as everything else, then my wifes new car went wrong, the garage didn't have a courtesy car, so for 2 weeks I took and picked up my wife from work 17 miles away while they messed around with it, illness hit us over christmas, as did the snowy weather. I was filling in form after form to try and get the grant money for having the apprentice, took nearly 6 months to get the money I should have had 2 months after he had started with me, but it was to little to late,

Easter I had a bailiff come to the door but know idea what for or how much, that detail didn't sink in, well I closed the business, phonelines, website and laid off the apprentice, mainly as my mother-in-law went mad and in a large amount of words said I did absolutely nothing in the house or for the family, my wife basically agreed with some of what she said, I just kept saying I'll sort it. My wife kept moaning at me from then on, had I paid this or that, was there any others I hadn't paid, I didn't know I still had some work left over, I began to scratch my arm and started to make it bleed. final thing was the bailiff returning again, I broke down in tears not knowing what to do, later my mother-in-law came round and had another go at me, saying I should be a man and stop sitting there with my head in my hands, she called me a liar and lazy and told me to get out, after more ranting she threw me out. somehow I made it to my mum & dads 300 miles away, I don't remember the journey or what route I took, all I know is I got there the next day. my mum got me to the doctors and now I am on anti-depressants and waiting to hear when my counselling starts,

Till later,

Paul

[Zaf]

I'm not surprised you're depressed Paul, what a dreadful series of events and how unfair of your mother in law to be so unkind.

You'll find lots of help and support in here, even if its only to listen when you want to unload things.

You dont say how long you've been on antidepressants but remember they can take several weeks to work and sometimes the dose and type need adjusting before the effects really kick in properly

[Munchroom]

Hi Paul and welcome - what an awful amount of unfair events!! I hope being with your parents that you are finding support? As Zaf says, we're here to all help and support you  :) x

[Lol]

Hi Paul, I'm so sorry you are going through this, this is very difficult for you. You have been through an awful lot and have every right to feel a myriad of emotions about these events. You are clearly a very strong person who has taken on a great deal in the name of family and marriage and it has not been received or even noticed as you intended! This is awful and you are disappointed, angry, and confused. This relentless juggling act and the constant pressures it created has caused a chemical imbalance in your brain which is why you took flight - making yourself safe from further harm, have been diagnosed with depression (the chemical imbalance) and are being treated for this with medication. As Zaf says, it takes time for the effects of this medication to be felt by you, but it will take time for your body to heal this with the help of the medication just as it would take a broken leg to heal with a splint. I hope you feel safe and supported at your parents house. If you would like to talk to us about the difficulties you have and are facing we will help you however we can.

Lol

[Paulnp63]

Thank you for all your kind words.

Sorry my memory isn't to good at the moment, I can remember somethings I have done, just can't relate them to time, I think I have been taking the medication for about 3 weeks, I think I have missed taking a couple since starting them though probably due to my memory, but now have the packet in a place to remind me to take them when I get up.

I must admit its very frustrating that I can't get my wife to understand and feel a little compassion, I am still coming to terms with my condition myself.

My mother-in-law used to be a JP some 5 or 6 years ago and saw many who couldn't pay things in court and become bankrupt, lose their house and possessions, she kept on about that we would lose the house and that I was useless etc, I'm sure she was thinking of those she saw in court and attacked me as if I was on trial, she probably kept on at my wife too until she thought the same, I may be wrong, but I don't like anything she said or like her now to be honest, especially as she threw me out at my lowest point looking back.

Thank you again,

Paul

[Zaf]

It must be very difficult for you when you tried your best for your mother in law and your wife not to recognise how hard you were trying and all that you did for your family; when you get to see your counsellor its definitely something you need to talk about if you can.  In the meantime try to get as much rest as you possibly can and if possible try not to dwell on the past too much (horribly difficult I know)

Do you have another appointment to see your GP to check if the medication has started working properly?

[Paulnp63]

Hi Zaf,

Daft thing was I was round my Mother-in-laws the day before sorting out her printer and computer I seem to remember before she threw me out next day.

Well I do rest a lot, it's mainly as don't feel like doing much at the moment, so more often or not laying down these days, if you saw me now it's hard to believe I was full of energy always busy and never really sat still, ready to mend toys and other broken things and always ready to help anyone if I could, having said that, my family here are going to Felixstowe tomorrow and want me to go too, there should be the local lions club there in charge of the car boot sale, I said I would as I wouldn't mind meeting another clubs members, also get me out of the house.

Yes I do have another appointment on the 14th October so my card says, shall see how things are with me then. I did the questions to rank your state of depression while there and scored 14 last time, I scored 19 the first time I went, didn't realise till he said after they were scoring me.

Cheers,

Paul

[Paulnp63]

Just changed my forum name from pnp63 to paulnp63 :)

[Zaf]

Hi Paul

Its very difficult to understand why people react the way they do, its easier said than done but its often better not to try to analyse things that have happened, at least until you feel a lot better.

Rest is a very important part of the healing process there is a very good little book called "depressive illness - The curse of the strong", also a short summary of it on the web somewhere, several of us have found it very useful as it explains what happens physically to the body when we get depression and why certain symptoms happen.  The apathy and dreadful tiredness is one of the things I find the hardest to deal with.

You must live fairly near me if your family are going to Felixtowe, I'm in Norfolk.  It would be a good idea to go too as long as you feel up to it, but dont be afraid to change your mind at the last minute if you feel you cant face it for any reason, its not a failing, its simply your body protecting itself from overdoing things.

Its standard practice to score people with depression, dont worry about that, its great your score has fallen so quickly.  Its often difficult to tell the doc exactly how we are feeling but it is very important so they know whether or not to adjust our medication.

Try to get lots of rest and not feel guilty about needing to, its your body telling you need to take it easy.

Zaf xx

[Depina]

Welcome Paul
Just read your posts, you were SO strong coping with all those things and work and everything you did, and so awful to get that rection back, We can only take so much and as the others say your body and mind need rest. Glad you are with your parents.
Thinking of you and hoping the kindness, help and understanding on here will help.
Look after yourself

XX

[Paulnp63]

Thanks Zaf,

I did go and also spoke to the Lions there, my mum & dad, brother, sister-in-law, their daughter and friend plus 2 year old granddaughter they were looking after for the day came to, never been my thing but sat on the beach most of the day, my brother had an umbrella to keep the sun off of us so didn't get sun burnt, really enjoyed the day but was so tired by the end, think it was seeing the energy of the 2 year old constantly on the go as she was never still, forgotten how active a 2 year is, when we got home I went and laid down, next thing I knew it was 2am and wanting a drink, back to bed and was woken to ask if I wanted to have sunday lunch, slept on and off after that.

My parents and brother live near Stansted Airport, we used to have a caravan on one of the holiday parks at Felixstowe during the 1970's and early 1980's, my brother and his family still go quite often there and with the road network improved these days it takes roughly an hour to get there from here, used to take over 2 hours years ago I seem to remember.

Will look up the book. I am trying not dwell on things to much, but certain things are annoying and just don't seem to go away, my mum is annoyed with my wife as she never asks how we are, she always seem to send a negative text messages, the huge distance between my family there and here doesn't help either as I miss my boys.

Paul

[Paulnp63]

Thank you depina,

So kind, glad to meet so many nice people on here, feeling a lot stronger than I did when I first arrived at my mum & dads a number of weeks ago, still away to go I know but I'm beginning to get some of my sense of humour back, so must be getting better.

Paul

[Zaf]

Glad to hear you had a good day out Paul, you will get tired like that after a day out even if it was really enjoyable, its one of the things I find really difficult even though I know it will happen, its good you allowed yourself to sleep, your body needs rest to help recover from this illness.

Its very difficult to dwell on things, if you can try to talk to your counsellor about them, mine is fantastic and gave me a lot help how to deal with things that I couldnt stop fretting about.

Its seems very unfair that your wife is being so negative, hopefully when you feel a bit better you can arrange to see them, would it be possible for them to come up to see you?

[Depina]

Morning Paul
Hope your day goes well
XX

[Lol]

Paul I'm glad you are starting to feel stronger and that you are able to go out and see everyone. Things will be more tiring than you're used to but you are doing the right thing in letting yourself rest. Well done.