Hello My Name Is Paul

[Paulnp63]

We all make mistakes in life Paul and I know running a small business is b%#*$y hard, especially with the financial situation as it is.  You might be right tbat your mother in law is at least partly to blame for your wife's unreasonable attitude; her unpleasant messages are obviously causing you a lot of upset and probably hindering your recovery, somehow you do need to either tell her that or avoid the messages and get someone to censor the bad bits and only tell you anything that is absolutely necessary.

Its great your mum is helping you so much, try not to dwell too much on the past (very difficult I know) and concentrate on getting well when you'll be able to deal with problems more easily

As always thank you, I'm glad I decided on joining, writing on here and hearing from you, depina and Lol does help, the last few years have been a real mess, as I said to the doctor, I know where I need to get to, it's just how to get there, my wife doesn't send many messages that are possive and always seem to be ones that my mum can't answer without asking me, but I'm sure she could dumb them down a bit, I'll ask her, I am trying not to let it get to me, but it's not easy.

Paul

[Paulnp63]

Hi Paul
Just to say thinking of you and hope you are feeling better today

my daughter in laws dad didn't like my son before they got married ( my son told me) He thought my son wasn't good enough for her
It really hurt me - never mind my son. Things seem fine now, but I can't forget.
People can be so hurtful
Take your time, as Zaf says we all mistakes. Pity they do not realise that you tried so hard to sort it out and tried your best.
Glad you've got a lovely mum
XX

thank you I do feel a little better than I did the other day.

Yes it does hurt what she said, especially as most of it was untrue, she also phoned my mum and for several minutes attacked my mum on her bad parenting skills and bringing up a son whos a liar and a cheat etc, my mum in tears said she didn't want to here this from her but from my wife, which she did awhile and my wife said she didn't agree with what her mum had said, but as the months went on and I became more depressed, it seems they attacked me more and then threw me out, something else I wont forget.

Off to lie down again, might get some sleep too.

Cheers,

Paul

[Zaf]

Its definitely not easy to forget someone treating you like that Paul, it'll take some doing but its well worth trying.

You seem very positive in your efforts to recover which is a huge help,  do keep posting and everyone that is able will do what they can to help :)

[Depina]

Hi Paul

You sound more positive - keep it up
Thinking of you
D XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

[Paulnp63]

Hi Zaf and Depina,

Will keep in touch as I know it seems to help me, just had an on and off period of a couple of hours sleep and a couple of hours awake since I last was on, just felt continously tired, seem ok at the moment having a cuppa and found something to watch on TV, I always seem to be wide awake this time of day since being here for some reason, another couple of hours and I'll be asleep again I suppose.

Take care,

Paul

[Zaf]

Insomnia or disturbance in sleep patterns seems common with depressiom Paul

[Lol]

Paul it sounds like although your wife is only seeing her own turmoil at the moment, you have found yourself a safe environment to be in. Your mum sounds loving and helpful, this is difficult for her also. Whilst you have support around you like this, you can explore you feelings a little, and know that there will be the support of your mum and us to unload them to and start to make some connections with what has happened and a way forward. You are in a very difficult situation at the moment and all your feelings and reactions are normal and will help you to find clarity eventually. YOu will get through this.

[Paulnp63]

Insomnia or disturbance in sleep patterns seems common with depressiom Paul

I thought so, as I did the same not long after I got here I remember so still learning about all this, yesterday I noticed I had another email message from my wife, although I didn't open and see it I knew she was moaning again, just couldn't sleep last night and tossed and turned after that and haven't slept much of the day either, just seems silly as I don't want to know about her problems, yet it still affects me.

Paul

[Paulnp63]

Paul it sounds like although your wife is only seeing her own turmoil at the moment, you have found yourself a safe environment to be in. Your mum sounds loving and helpful, this is difficult for her also.

Yes I know and that is one thing my mum is not happy with my wife about, my wife goes on and on about her problems and nothing about how things are here and how she is now having to help me through this. my mum keeps saying, yes I messed up my business, but she and her mum caused the problems they have now themselves by throwing me out, I was at least looking after the boys, taking them to school, housework etc, and I was doing an odd job here and there too, I somehow was coping with that side of things, yet she must have seen I had changed and was not myself anymore most of the time, I do remember her saying you should go to the doctors there once but no effort to take me, but even so I don't know if even I could have stayed in that house without tearing myself to bits completely the way things were for much longer.

Paul

[Zaf]

getting the message wont have helped but if you can at least resist opening them so much the better, it may be time to politely say to her (by mail or letter I would suggest) that (again) you are sorry but her negative messages arent helping you recover and you will no longer respond to such contact.  You could also ask your mum to do something similar if she phones - if I get anyone on the phone at work I keep my voice very calm and simply say very politely that I do not intend to continue the conversation until they calm down/stop swearing (or whatever) and if they continue I put the phone down.

When I had my first breakdown I kept aking people why they didnt notice anything was wrong, in fact even this last time I realised I had a problem before anyone around me did so its possible your wife knew something wasnt right but not how serious things were, dont forget its the usually the strong that get depressed because they battle on hiding their problems and early symptoms of their illness till their body cant cope any more.

[Lol]

Paul I think at the moment for both you and your wife, what's happened is like a big abcess; circumstances have knocked the top off and what you are experiencing is a big flood of rotton sour matter pouring out. Eventually, this flow of rubbish will slow or subside and you will be left, all beit dripping in the stuff, but able to start cleaning it up. It is only then that things will make some sense and you can see what can be salvaged. For the time being all this tidal wave of mess flowing out is too much for you you cope with and make sense of. Your brain can't switch off from trying to fathom it out because it's not used to not being able to, because you are a strong person and have always been sucessful in control, and there is too much information all at once to decipher. Hense the disrupted sleep patterns and the feeling of racing thoughts. I'm so sorry you are going through this. You are doing well, and normally! You are in a safe place now. things will get better.

[Depina]

Hi Paul
Thinking of you
Hugs
XXXXXXXXX &*(

[Paulnp63]

Thank you as ever Zaf, Lol and Depina,

I'm slowly learning about all this and trying to understand, my mum has said it will probably get horrible between us before it sorts itself out.

I had another sleepless night last night and finally got some sleep this morning, when I went to get up I got a sharp pain across my shoulder, it's been so painful since as I move about, even after taking painkillers too, I did try and lay down earlier this evening but it was painful and I just couldn't get comfortable, I am going to struggle sleeping tonight.

I do feel I ought to write something to my wife, just know she probably wont listen or understand, if I don't reply or send something I know she will probably phone and moan at my mum which I don't want either, then probably insist on talking to me. At least I do send my boys emails when I can and they each send me a reply, I find it easier even if she is probably monitoring I guess than if I was to call them, even though I do want to call and speak to them.

Night and cheers all,

Paul

[Zaf]

I'v got insomnia again and woke several times after midnight so got up in he end around half three, my neck and shoulder are hurting like hell too and I'm not looking forward to the appointment with he osteopath his morning

I would suggest if you feel the need to write to your wife not to reply to any of the nasty bits of her last mail and try to be positive if possible, not easy I know!

xx

[Paulnp63]

I'v got insomnia again and woke several times after midnight so got up in he end around half three, my neck and shoulder are hurting like hell too and I'm not looking forward to the appointment with he osteopath his morning

Hi Zaf,

How did it go?

Sorry I ran out of money on my usb internet 3G dongle so couldn't get online until I topped it up, my brother bought me a topup voucher today.

Saw the doctor the other day and he was pleased with my progress, I do feel better than of late, he took my blood pressure and said it was high and would have to monitor it, I do feel my heart really pounding at times, usually when I have a headache or feeling a little dizzy and feel the need to lay down, obviously something to do with that, never felt it pounding like this before, been pretty healthy most of my life.

You must have sent you message via ESP, I replied to a message the other day answering her questions as best I could and explained why I couldn't answer properly because of my problems, on her next reply she moaned about why when I always email her its always about me and why would she need my help as she is coping better than she thought, I decided to change tact and just wrote back in as few words as possible stating, glad all is well and look forward to seeing the boys soon. I know I'll get something about right back but I feel I don't care anymore, she just seems in a nasty mood and seems she want me to argue with her, well not anymore.

Slept most of the day and still feel tired, bet I can't get to sleep though,

Night, take care,

Paul