Well it's Tuesday morning and I'm still here. A few good things happened over the weekend. The crisis team did manage to only send the good guys to visit me, the ones who listen, and the new care plan seems to be working. My husband's family came on Monday and his mum said some lovely things to me.
BUT - at 3am on Sat morning, everything looked so bleak. My board of positives just didn't do it. And I was so tired of being consumed by the darkness with no help to fight it. So I took a lot of pills and alcohol. I was about 3/4 of the way through my stash when something made me pause. Not sure what - my wavering, weak faith would say it was God - but the feeling of inevitability I have had about about my death for the past month or so was replaced by the feeling that I had to make a choice. (The reason I say it was God is because the only other time I have had this exact same feeling was just before I became a Christian). Whatever- I decided not to take any more, and see what happened. I figured if I didn't die, and things didn't improve, I could always try again another time. That I would do what I have been doing - try and keep going till a certain event - visit to counsellor/psych/seeing family etc.
So far very few symptoms considering what I took. Upset stomach, headache, dry mouth, no sleep for 48 hours. i know symptoms can be delayed though. Crisis team visitor on Sat noticed dry mouth but I made some excuse.
Today I feel so low again. This happens every time I reach my "event" and it passes. It's like being on a roller coaster. You haul yourself up to the date, with every effort you can make, then when it's gone, you plummet. Seeing counsellor on Wed.
So my dilemma. I told crisis team not to visit yesterday because it was the lovely guy who has had depression himself. He and I have talked about my faith and he (and his mother's church) are praying for me. And he is working today. I do find him easy to talk to - he has been suicidal himself so he knows how it is. i know I ought to tell him what I have done. No-one knows - except you guys. But I see that as a one way ticket to hospital. Also I don't want my psych, who is back today, thinking I was trying to blackmail him into changing meds. That wasn't anything to do with it. And it wasn't down to my coming off my meds. You all know how I have been feeling, and tbh last weekend had been the "right time" in my mind for several weeks. What should I do?