Feel so unlistened to

[Pip]

 

The crisis team here are very good so whilst it is a last resort to admit somebody they will do that if they feel it is necessary.  The last time I was under them they were ringing several times a day on my bad days when they weren't visiting which did help me a great deal.  It kept me out of hospital and for that I was thankful as I was resistent to being admitted. 

[Metaxa]

Looking back at my life I used to use alcohol to cope as well I think. At my worst (drinking) I was getting through 3 litres of whisky a week as well as however many cans of beer. I realised that was way to much and eased off, but its only recently I've as good as stopped ( 2 pints this year I think I've had). Being on tablets has helped me say to myself i'm gonna stop completely now, but know I prob won't as will no doubt have an odd drink here and there. Although today I am finding I'd like a few beers. But I know from the past at a really low point I knew I was gonna drink till whatever happened and wrote what was basically a suicide note, not cause planned to do anything but knew was gonna get so drunk didn't know what I'd do.
Hopefully you'll be ok there, just thought I'd share with you my alcohol story, never know.... It may help in some way

[Catbrian]

Sadgirl... you are going through a very bad time at the moment.  Usually CMHt are reluctant to hospitalise  Although, it doesn't feel right that you are left so much on your own.  I hope the CT and Psych did visit and had some better ideas.

[Sadgirl4]

Oh they visited - they told me to go for a walk in the sunshine and to think about my children. Don't they think I do that? I know what effect my death will have but I guess I am just too selfish, too wrapped up in my own pain to care. Predictably unhappy at my self harm and drinking.  I told them I had a plan, that I was on my own for most of the day, they just said use the pager or phone the Samaritans. Ok - I know, what else can they say? I don't know what I want them to do. But what they are doing isn't helping my crisis. They know I won't use the pager. Shouldn't they be in contact more often - a phone call later in the day at least?  How can you just leave someone who is very ill for 24 hours with no contact? Have decided against hospital anyway - will to die too strong now. My decision to try again is made sober - it always is. I just use alcohol to wash down the tablets, or to try and get some elusive sleep. Managed a few hours last night. But nothing looks any better this morning, and will be alone from midday.

[Metaxa]

Hope you're feeling a little bit better there, wish I could say something to help but I can't. I know how bad things can get sometimes. If there's nothing else just post on here this afternoon and hopefully we'll be able to all help in some way
Jamie

[Sadgirl4]

Crisis team have issued ultimatum - be admitted or be sectioned. Hospital will keep me physically safe, but will make mental state even worse. Won't be able to see counsellor. But no choice. When hubby gets home I am going in. God help me.

[Metaxa]

Will be thinking of you. Hope it will help you in the long run if not straight away

[Catbrian]

The fact is, when someone is as depressed as you've been lately, there is nothing CT, or anyone, can say that will make anyone feel any better.  However, rather than recognise this, I'm sure these MH workers are lost for words and then end up saying silly things like "go for a walk" or "try distracting yourself".  Perhaps, for a while, it might be better for you to have constant supervision in hospital.  I hope everything starts to improve very soon.  Keep in touch, if you are able too.

[Sweetpea]

Thinking of you  .

S x x x x

[Sadgirl4]

Hospital a disaster. Did actually get to see a psychologist who told me she wouldn't treat me because I was seeing a counsellor. My counsellor had told me a psychologist could do some stuff she couldn't to complement her work. The psychologist drew up a meaningless, vague care plan. I saw the psych next day and asked to be discharged. I told her since she had sorted my insomnia, the most risky time of day didn't happen, and that the new medication wasn't as toxic in overdose anyway. I told her it was a risk, but hospital wasn't helping. And then I told her I would not see my old psych any more. He was not honest with me and I no longer trust him.
The night before I was discharged I told the night staff I was concerned about the level of support I was being offered - a new, unidentified psych, with no appointment to see him, and that was it. Yet I was no less suicidal than when I was admitted, when the crisis team were coming every day.  She said she would pass it on to the day staff. The next day someone told me the name of my psych, but nothing else. No-one talked to me about what I should do if I felt bad. When my son came to pick me up, they gave me a week's worth of drugs and let me out.
I am home. I am suicidal. I have an appointment to see new psych tomorrow. My friend is treated by him and says he is good. I just have no confidence in psychs any more. All they offer me are pills that don't treat the root cause. And I cannot stand up for myself, nor ask someone else to do it on my behalf.

[Sweetpea]

Oh Sad girl, this is awful, to go through all that and be no further forward.  I do so hope the new phych Dr does more to help you through this terrible time.  Big caring  for you.

S x x x x

[Pip]

Sadgirl ~ I'm sorry you're not getting further with the help you need   

[Sadgirl4]

Well on the plus side new psych doesn't want to reach for his prescription pad. In fact he is suggesting stopping everything because it doesn't appear to help and he says I have tried pretty much everything medication wise. But, left for 3 weeks with no support. He assessed my suicide risk as low because I don't have a well formulated plan. My counsellor is very concerned - she knows that's not right. My sleep is haywire again, and I dream violent dreams of being out of control.
Not really a vent, but I wrote this:
They proffer help, but know not how
Nor do I - save this:
Eviscerate my skin
Release the formless monster
Who devours my very heart
Decimates my songless spirit.
Silence Death's promises of peace
Of being the nothingness I feel.
Their murmuring voices whisper
"Be strong, hold on."
In battle old Moses lost strength
But I am no Moses
And I have no Joshua.

[popsicle]

I have been reading through and wish I could give you words of wisdom,

[Sadgirl4]

Saw psych. My counsellor offered to come to give me support. He told her she needed to think about her boundaries, and that seeing me twice a week is rather unusual, isn't it?
 He accused me of lying about taking overdoses - his evidence for this was that my notes said I had refused a blood test. Well that is a blatant lie. Makes me wonder how much else of what my notes say is fiction. He then said I was very angry, and did I want to get better, did I like being depressed? That i would probably accuse him of lying at some point and sack him. He said that i couldnt day my life had no meaning because i walk the dog and take my daughter to school. And after 6 weeks out of hospital, with no improvement in my condition, he is not going to see me for another 8 weeks, but has given me no means of support or anyone to contact during that time. All he did was tell me to reduce my lithium.
What can I do? If I stop seeing him, that is it for psychiatric care for me. It will go in my notes that I am hostile and untruthful, and everyone will judge me before I say a word. And he will assume that I stopped seeing him because i dont like being challenged. another untruth. my counsellor challenges me but she doesnt ask stupid questions or make staggering judgments. If i see him again I have to suppress my annoyance and pretend to be happy with my treatment. I told him I was angry at the way the mental health services have let me down. He didn't like that.
Someone tell me there are psychs out there who really understand what a hell severe depression is. Who try and help, who offer practical support. Coz they don't exist in Suffolk.