I am lost. There is no solid ground to stand on, nothing to cling to. I try to hold onto the time I became a Christian. I knew I had to make a choice, to step into the unknown. I later found out that my sister, at the same moment, had a picture of Jesus standing in front of me. That happened, I had a faith. The echo of that must be enough for God to tug at my soul enough that I go to church, and have for the past 6 weeks, feeling a hypocrite, but trying to be obedient and answer the call.
But when I am there, nothing. We are encouraged to "come as we are". Evidently that is not enough. God is silent. He offers no comfort, no answer to the wailing of my heart which is all the prayer I have, not even condemnation. Just silence. I could not go forward for prayer. Is that why God ignores me, because I didn't take a step of faith? Am I cast aside because I do not learn from my depressive episodes, my faith weakening instead of growing stronger? Because I don't push through and claim the victory? I sat and cried. The senior pastor sat with me, but didn't know what to say.
I try, try so hard to do the things I used to do that brought me meaning. No-one bar my counsellor accepts what an effort that is, or that those activities do not make me feel better. How can they, when I am no longer alive in any real sense? It is not a question of liking being depressed as my psychiatrist accused me of.
What am I to do?
