So - in spite of my psych saying i needed to be seen by a psych every week while he was away, the ct neglected to sort out an appointment at all last week - when i queried this on the thursday, they told me i had one arranged for the following tues so that was alright, wasn't it? What could i say? i'm not very assertive at the best of times, but when i fell like this.....
Somehow held on till the tues with the tiny hope that subbing psych would alter meds. She didn't. She was very kind, and agreed that 14 weeks was long enough to trial something, that if i felt it wasn't helping then it probably wouldn't, and that in my psych's shoes, she would make a switch, but she couldn't do that. But my psych was back next week and she would talk to him on my behalf.
I came away in total despair. What was the point of me seeing her if she couldn't do anything because she was afraid of stepping on my psych's toes, other than to let the record show i had been seen and so the mh services had done all they could? My psych is back on tues, she is going to talk to him on wed, so i wont see him till thurs at the earliest. And what if he continues to dig his heels in and not change the meds? Even if he agrees to change meds, he will want a gradual withdrawal from the parnate, (i'm on 50mg) then a 10 day washout, then 3 weeks on a starting dose of something else - which never works - then augmenting agents and higher doses etc - so at best another 3 or 4 months of feeling like this. I can't do it. I walked the dog early this morning and let him off the lead, and i just thought i am sick of living tethered to this illness. i want to be let off the lead, and i have no hope that that will happen. I do not think i will get through this weekend. The ct member who came yesterday was the only one i really have any faith in (and have only seen her once this depression), so i did tell her that. I also told her i would not use the pager when it came to it. She wanted details, and me to give her my means - but i refused. Why don't they understand that when things are this bad, you don't want to be stopped? She said someone would visit every day, hopefully one of the few I find ok, but that they are only operating a skeleton staff over the next 4 days, so the few people who actually help a bit may not be working. And honestly, even they have no suggestions for how to cope with feeling like this. Going to hospital will not help. Try as I might, I cannot find enough hope or faith to overcome the utter blackness.
My counsellor is so concerned she emailed me after my last session with the number of the samaritans, and the suggestion that i start seeing her twice a week. I am finding her helpful, and i know i should try and hold on and give the therapy a chance. But I am overwhelmed. She also said that it would be the worst thing possible for my kids if i do succeed. I know that, i agonise over it, but the darkness is relentless. I don't know what to do.