Author Topic: Jokes thread  (Read 101413 times)

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #720 on: June 24, 2021, 03:30:58 PM »
I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse started with certain basics. "How much do you weigh?" she asked.

"135," I said.

The nurse put me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.  The nurse asked, "Your height?"

"5 foot 4," I said.

The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5 foot 2 inches. She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.  "Of course it's high!" I screamed. "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #721 on: August 18, 2021, 09:07:43 PM »
One day, an employee received an unusually large check. She decided not to say anything about it.  The following week, her check was for less that the normal amount, and she confronted her boss. "How come," the supervisor inquired, "you didn't say anything when you were overpaid?"

Unperturbed, the employee replied, "Well, I can overlook one mistake, but not two in a row!"

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #722 on: August 18, 2021, 09:08:42 PM »
After a recent college basketball game, the coach spotted a cell phone lying on the floor. He picked it up and handed it to one of the referees, saying, "Here's your phone."

"What makes you think its mine?" the ref asked.

"Easy," the coach replied. "It says you missed 13 calls!"

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #723 on: September 03, 2021, 03:50:51 PM »
A bunch of men were sitting around the playing poker.  "I win!" said Harry.

Joe threw down his cards, "That's it! I've had it! Harry is cheating!!!"

"How can you tell?" Phillip asked.

"Those aren't the cards I dealt him!"

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #724 on: September 03, 2021, 03:52:11 PM »
"Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?"
   
The father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right."

"That's okay," replied Little Johnny, "but you could at least give it a try, couldn't you?"

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #725 on: September 21, 2021, 05:26:40 PM »
Years ago, when those digital signature/PIN pad gizmos were relatively new, I was in a checkout line at Walmart in Decatur, Texas. There was a sweet old lady in front of me, following the instructions the cashier patiently gave. With a bit of assistance, she'd managed to swipe her card and scrawl a signature with that awkward plastic pen.

Now the machine awaited confirmation, the typical "OK" and "Cancel" buttons displaying on its monochrome screen. "You have to tell it 'OK'," the cashier said.

The lady looked dubiously at the cashier, then at the newfangled gizmo. She gently cupped it with her hands, leaned forward, and said, "Ohhhh kaaayyyyy."

Incredibly, the cashier kept a straight face as she tapped the 'OK' button for her client and wished her a great day. The cashier and I didn't laugh until we had watched her shuffle away and I said, "I think that just changed my life."

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #726 on: September 21, 2021, 05:29:32 PM »
Terry slammed his cards on the table and left the game in a huff.  "Boy," said another player disgustingly, "I really hate playing cards with a bad loser."

"He isn't very pleasant," another player said, raking in the chips, "but it's better than playing with a good winner."