Can't cope

[Sweetpea]

So sorry you feel this way %^% for you. S x x x x

[willows]

I have made a doctors appointment for next Thursday (it was the first I could get). I plan to be more honest with her but I don't know if I will actually be able to.

[Zaf]

Its not easy  %^%

[Sweetpea]

Glad you have made an appointment. Could you maybe write things down and then you could just hand this to your Dr?  S x x x x

[willows]

I might have to do that. It would have helped if I could have got an appointment for tomorrow...a week means I will worry over and over and over in my head about not being able to say anything and will stress over all the different outcomes the appointment could have depending on whether I find the courage to tell her or not adding to my anxiety. I feel like my mind is in a complete fog of disturbing thoughts that I can't shake off.....just want it all to end

[Sweetpea]

%^% Willows. I know how hard it is. I have been where you are now. Did you say how urgent it is? Maybe if you ring again and tell them its urgent you could be seen earlier. It is a long time to wait and worry. S x x x x

[willows]

At my surgery you have to see the same gp all the time if it is for mental health issues and she doesn't have any earlier appointments. Don't feel I could claim it is urgent as weeks have gone by already without me saying anything to her so I don't know how I would explain that I suddenly considered it to be urgent. I am sure there are many more people much more deserving of an urgent appointment than me

[Sweetpea]

I think we all feel this way. But I am sure she would understand. People with depression do hold things back. I know I did. It just seems such a long time for you to worry. S x x x.

[willows]

Hardest day ever at work on Friday. I had to attend a huge event with thousands of members of the public attending. I was my worst nightmare and I completely failed in being able to carry out my duties. Living with depression is affecting my ability to do my job so much and my job is what has always kept me going........without it I don't think I would ever get out of bed. When I am well I absolutely love my job but now I am paralised with fear that I will loose it......... thoughts of ending it all are taking over my mind every waking minute.......I can't think of anything to keep me going

[Sweetpea]

That was really awful for you. But with the right meds and help you will be alright. Depression is a truely awful illness. It takes so much from us. Keep fighting willows. You have your dr's appointment this week, try doing as I suggested and write down how bad you are feeling so you can let your Dr know just how badly this is affecting you ((((big hugs)))). S x x x x

[willows]

Thanks Shaz. I have tried to write down how I feel but I keep shredding the pieces of paper when I think of actually handing it to my Dr. I am scared to admit my thoughts but I am also scared of living with them.

So, so low today.....so anxious about work tomorrow and the possibility that I will let my team down again like I did Friday. They deserve better.

Letting everyone down. Better for everyone if I am not here

[Zaf]

Its really hard to tell our doctors how we truly feel but it is necessary so we can get the help we need  %^%  xxx

[willows]

Can't sleep again. Can't stop worrying about work in the morning. Have to be up in a few hours.Need this all to end.

[willows]

I haven't slept more than a couple of hours a night for the last five days. Scary thoughts in the night, planning how to end it all. Barely functioning at work.........better for everyone if I was not here anymore

[Sweetpea]

Oh Willows (((((big hugs))))) for you. S x x x x