Can't cope

[willows]

I have managed to carry on working whilst living with depression, in fact I think it is what has kept me going even though it has been a huge struggle. I have a very supportive line manager who has had family members who have suffered from depression so has some understanding. However, she is currently on annual leave and I had to discuss a project I am working on with her line manager today, who I know has been made aware of my problems.

He gave me a lecture on needing to find the confidence to get on with the project as I see fit. I tried to explain that at the moment I don't have much confidence in my own abilities and don't always trust my own judgement so it was important to me to run things by him/ my line manager which he seemed to understand at the time but he has just emailed me reiterating that I have to find the confidence to deal with the project on my own.......he just doesn't understand how impossible that sounds right now.

Now I am sitting here feeling rock bottom with thoughts of capability proceedings and such like. I have tried my hardest to carry on working and in fact have not taken a single day off sick even though there have been many days when going to work has taken every ounce of effort I could muster. Don't know if I can do it any more.......exhausted, tearful, scared  

I don't want to give up but I don't feel I can cope anymore

[Zaf]

That seems very unfair, when does your own line manager get back?   %^%  xx

[Sweetpea]

It does seem very unfair.  Well done for carrying on working.  *)*.

S x x x x

[willows]

She is back next week which feels like a lifetime at the moment.

[Buttercup]

Feel for you, it's really not a fair way to be treated.

Xxx

[willows]

Really can't cope any more. I know I have been lying to myself and my doctor every time she asks me if I have had any thoughts of harming myself or ending my life I always say no because I feel ashamed that I could even think about it. But the truth is, I do think about it....I try to work out how I can die in way that will be seen as accident and not deliberate as I think, rightly or wrongly, my kids would handle that better.For example, I was tempted to swerve in front of an on coming lorry when I was on my bike but all it achieved was that even the thought of doing it brought on a very public panic attack. I haven't been out on my bike since. I don't think I will have the courage to act on my thoughts but it scares me that I am even thinking that way.....I feel guilty even writing this down when I have my kids to keep going for.

A lecture from one person at work and I feel like it has tipped me over the edge..........feels like there is only one way out right now....sorry for rambling on

 

[Buttercup]

Hang in there Willow.   %^%

[Zaf]

I think you should consider telling your doctor willow xxx

[willows]

Every time I see my doctor I intend to tell her but every time I can't tell her..........scared to admit it. This is the first place I have admitted it to anyone.

[Zaf]

Its not easy, the first time I told my GP I just said I was having dark thoughts and he understood what I meant and took my depression much more seriously.

Z xx

[Buttercup]

It's very hard, it took me months to come out with some things and others are still hidden inside me.

Xxx

[willows]

I am already on anti-depressants and start CBT though the mental health team in a couple of weeks so admitting it to the doc is  not going to change anything but I still don't think I could voice my thoughts to her

[willows]

Need to go to bed as I have to be up at the crack of dawn for work but my mind is racing and I so anxious I can't stay still and my heart is racing so I know I won't sleep. Need an end to all this. If I do get to sleep I hope I won't wake up in the morning...

[Sweetpea]

 *)* for you willows.  S x x x x

[willows]

Scared and so alone