Can't cope

[Catbrian]

I'm sorry to hear about your son, Willows.  I hope everything turns out okay

Thinking of you

[willows]

Finally given in and gone sick today. I spent yesterday with my nan and trying to get my head round the fact that it may be the last time I see her as she lives 120 miles away and is gravely ill. My son is home from uni with me still not well and I am worried silly about him. I feel like I just can't cope anymore and the crap that has been going on at work recently just made it feel too overwhelming for me to face today but I am now beating myself up because I have fought and fought for months to be able to carry on working and now I have just given in and have taken refuge in bed where at least I can't do myself any harm which is what I really want to do right now.

[willows]

Feel like I really let myself down yesterday by not going to work. I am due in at 1pm today and I am already feeling incredibly anxious and don't think I am going to be able to go in again but then I will beat myself up for giving in. If I don't go today it will probably be even harder tomorrow. So confused 

[Michael Frankum]

Dear Willows You are going through such a dreadful time at the moment. It is understandable that at times you feel like taking refuge. How is your daughter at the moment? and you son? You have been strong for everyone recently. I wish that I could offer you a little strength to help you, but in lieu of that, please accept my best wishes and  %^% hugs.  *()  %^% You are in my thoughts. Michael. xxx

[Sweetpea]

(((( hugs )))) Willows. You have had such a hard time just recently and I admire you for managing to go to work as you have. Please try to not beat yourself up over needing time off. S x x x x

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[willows]

I did go to work on Thursday but did not have my return to work interview until yesterday and now I don't think I can face it again today. I tried to speak to my manager about some of the problems I have been having at work and she basically said that I had to try harder to integrate with the team and join in the office banter otherwise people were not going to want to work with me!! That I was being selfish as I am not the only person with problems in the team......I have never once assumed I am and have always tried not to let on to anyone other than my managers that I am struggling. She also said that the only person who can do anything to help me is myself....probably true but I didn't need to hear.

When I was off on Wednesday I just wanted to shut myself away from the world and I ignored my phone, including texts from colleagues asking if I was ok and according to my manager I was totally disrespectful to the team in doing that!

I don't know why I am bothering anymore. I have spent my entire life doing anything for anyone, worrying about everyone, caring for everyone and now I find I am selfish and disrespectful.

It is just not worth it anymore.

[Sweetpea]

How insensitive made me angry when I read your post. if only we could help ourselves, we do not choose to suffer (((( big hugs )))) for you. S x x x x

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[Michael Frankum]

Dear Willows, YOU know the truth of the situation, whereas this damned ignoramus hasn't got an inkling of the terrible times you are going through. %^% There is no doubt that you are a good, caring person, and you deserve support and understanding. You have made every effort not to let anybody down, and you should be appreciated not criticised for... what exactly? Not telling rib-tickling anecdotes about your son and daughter needing hospital treatment within a very short period? Has your manager any idea of how human beings feel?

I'm sorry that I'm so angry, I have no right to be, but you should certainly never be treated like this, especially when you have been trying so hard.  *()  %^% Best wishes, always. Michael

[willows]

Have caved in and booked the next 9 days as annual leave. I am going to shut myself away from the world and contemplate if I even have the strength to stay in it.

[Michael Frankum]

Dear Willows, Please take good care of yourself, and let us know how things are working out.  %^% Michael

[bookletters]

Will be thinking of you Willows, we're here if you need to talk xx

[Sweetpea]

We are here for you if you need us Willows (((( hugs )))). S X x x x

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[willows]

Having time off is not doing me any good. The only time I have actually got out of bed and got dressed was to go to my psychologist appointment on Monday. I have no energy, no motivation and have spent so much time over thinking everything that I have ended up in a really dark place again. I never get anything right. I am not back at work until Tuesday but I am scared that without a purpose I won't make it that far. Seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow so at least will have to get out of bed.

[Michael Frankum]

Good luck for tomorrow Willows. I hope that you manage to find some motivation. I know it's not that easy. I'll be thinking of you, with best wishes. Michael

[willows]

Back to work tomorrow. Very anxious about it. Occy health and psychiatrist recommended I took sick leave instead of annual leave and extended it but I know the longer I leave going back, the harder it will be. Occy health have said they will support me with my decision. Will have to see what sort of reception I get from my managers. Having the time off has changed nothing it has just made me feel like I have run away from my issues. Psychiatrist put me back on sleeping tablets on Friday as I have barely slept for the last to weeks.