Screwy brain

[mamalou]

This episode of severe depression started in May 2010 and since then I have tried many different medications. When I became obsessed with suicide, I began to collect medication that I no longer took. I also have on several occasions decided to stop my medication all together. And then, I kept what I didn't take. This was always disasterous. I have bought alot of paracetamol too. I planned which chemists to go to to buy my maximum allowance, then on to the next and the next and the next. So all in all this is why I have so many drugs.

My husband has just mentioned that he is concerned by my drinking - I know it's not the answer but its so effective.

What am I to do ? Desperate for someone or something to help me???? I can't keep on like this - I am falling to pieces.

[Zaf]

Its terrible to feel like that, I've been there many times, dri king may seem the answer but in fact in the long run its a depressant so its not really helping

Is it worth hassling your GP for alternative treatments?

Z xx

[Amanda]

Oh honey, I really wish I had an answer for u, u aren't alone, that is the only thing helping me at this moment in time, and by that I mean this forum where I can say how I feel without being made to feel stupid. Wish I had a magic wand for us all xx

[mamalou]

My GP is not keen to make changes to my meds. Because I am under close supervision of the psychiatrist and have a care co-ordinator, it's all a bit difficult. My psych has already told me that I am on the best combination of drugs and that my only option now is ECT. I absolutely do not want ECT. He said that there is nothing more he can do for me. And that's how I feel too. There is nothing more here for me.

[Sweetpea]

No wonder you are at the end of your tether  &*( &*( you have us here, hope this helps you some.

S x x x x

[mamalou]

p.s. Sorry Amanda and Shaz and Zaf - I forgot to say thanks x x x

[Zaf]

ECT sounds horrid but I think I might consider it if it was the last option to feel better, I really hope you can find a way out of the big back hole of depression xxx

[mamalou]

Today I got out my bag of drugs. I popped each pill from its blister pack and put them into a new bag. I sat rifling the tablets through my fingers and relishing the thought of the relief that they would bring. I was going to kill myself.

I ended up calling for help. I spoke to the local AMH team who were duly concerned.   

I am still alive. I am sad.

I have to write this down as I know I can't talk to anyone about it.

[Zaf]

I'm sad you got that far but pleased you rang for help, you can talk to us anytime xx

[Sweetpea]

 &*( for you mamalou, so sorry you felt so bad you considered taking the meds but so glad you asked for help.

We are always here for you.

S x x x x

[Catbrian]

I am sorry you're sad today, Louise. I am concerned about the bag of meds and I hope you're not tempted at any time to take them.

[Buttercup]

I too am concerned. Are the AMH team doing anything?

Xxx

[mamalou]

Not sure what is happening now as far as the AMH team are concerned. I'm really not worth worrying about.

I then had an appointment with my GP later.  This was booked before today. I sat in the waiting room getting more and more agitated - I have terrible tremors. Then I just upped and left. I couldn't wait any longer. My anxiety had reached panic stage and I just couldn't bear it. I wasn't going to tell my GP the events of the day up til that point - I didn't know what to say. I had to get away. I ran up the street in a paranoid state.  I am losing my mind.

I do not want this life anymore. 

My head hurts so much.

[Buttercup]

Mamalou  &*( &*( &*(

Understand the agitation I get it too. I really hope something positive happens for you, you deserve it.

Xxx

[Catbrian]

Lou !"!
So sorry you've been having a bad day.  It sounded like I was reading about myself....that's exactly how I get, especially in the GP or hospital waiting room.   I too have ran out the door and up the road like a mad man

Cat