Screwy brain

[smirfy21]

Today I feel vulnerable. I feel small and utterly alone. I feel totally confused.
Is it just me or does this illness make you feel like your brain is completely screwed ?
My thoughts begin in one place and within a moment are off on a tangeant.
The darkness of depression is so overwhelming and disabling and I am hanging on by my fingernails.

I have decided that I would be better off with no friends and with minimal contact with the outside world. I am bored of me and exhausted.

Low, low, low.

I feel like I can really relate to this.
I feel like my brain is screwed, when I am depressed no thoughts come at all its like I have been sucked into oblivion and my mind and body are completely dissconected, when I am manic I am bouncing off of ideas, its like I am suddenly connecting all the dots and the world suddenly makes sense. other days I will be able to work solledly off of one idea and my mind will go for hours.

Its exhausting when you feel like this, everything including your friendships are affected and you say and do the wrong things but at the end of the day if those people really love you they tend to understand and forgive you. please don't give up on yourself and keep fighting because things may be hard at the moment but you will have good days aswell worth fighting for.

I wish I was able to give you some helpful advice but as I know how it feels and how hard it is to get away from those thoughts I feel I am in no possition to be giving advice. however I want to tell you to keeping fighting.
smirfy

[Amanda]

Louise, ditto :-((

[Catbrian]

Louise... I can totally understand your feelings about suicide and how the bag of med is like a control thing.  For me, being so depressed is the same as completely loosing control.  My obsession with suicide became a realistic option and somehow made me feel a little bit more in control. But, this is not healthy thinking.
I see harbouring a bag of med similar to having cigarettes lying around the house when I am giving up smoking.  In my weakest moments, I am more likely to reach for the fags.  It's the same as having a firearm at home; if a burglar ever breaks in, you are more likely to kill them.

[mamalou]

Whiteadder - thank you for reading my posts and taking time to reply. I know that the "bag" is dangerous, sometimes it is sooooo attractive and the relief it will bring. Caught between a rock and a hard place.  "£$

Smirfy & Catbrian - Thanks for relating to my struggle. It's good to know I'm not alone in this illness.

Catbrian - You are right, I know this with my rational brain, however, I live far away from my rational brain ! In fact I don't even inhabit my body - my entire existence is lived as a 3rd party - an out of body experience that never ends.

Again, I am amazed that anyone could be interested in my story but I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

You are an amazing group of people and a big part of keeping me alive right now.

[KateG]

Louise I understand the bag thing. It's your get out clause, your plan in case it gets too much. I suspect many of us have a plan, I know I do. Mine is jumping off something high. Whether I ever do it is a different matter but knowing that I have the option available is strangely comforting.

That said I really hope that we both get through this &*(

[mamalou]

Hi Kate. I hope we both get through this too.  ^&^ 
I think my "bag" is more scarey since I opened it up recently and took all of the tablets out of their boxes. They remain in the bubble pack but I have overwhelming urges to pop them out and handle them    What's that all about ? This crisis seems to be be neverending. Even one moment when things are not so black would be a huge step.

Moan moan moan moan moan.................................................................................................

[Beetzart]

I know exaxctly what you mean about the 'bag' thing, Mamalou.  I have hundreds of lithium tablets upstairs and only about 20 would kill me, so I class it as an option, and yes I find that comforting.  The GP gives out 200 on each prescription, guess they're trying to tell me something! 

Don't worry about moaning, though, this is one place no-one will tell you to feel as if you are.

[mamalou]

Thanks Beetzart.
Lithium makes up a large % of my tablets too. Along with some other pretty lethal things. My GP only lets me have 14 days of prescription at a time ! Can't be trusted!

[Zaf]

I have enough drugs to do the same too but have no intention of using them, I agree that its some sort of control thing, I also grow hemlock.

[mamalou]

At the moment, I do have plans to use my bag of drugs. I am constantly searching my brain for reasons not to. Haven't found any yet - apparently according to my psych I am totally dissociated. I can confirm I have no feelings or connections to anyone.

In the meantime,however,  I am self medicating with lots of wine ! It's a great life anaesthetic. Takes the edge of the pain and numbs the rest.

[Zaf]

I hope you find reasons not to mamalou &*(

As an ex alcoholic I can tell you drink doesnt help

[Sweetpea]

 &*( &*( for you mamalou.

S x x x x

[mamalou]

Thank you for reading and taking time to reply, even though I know things aren't that great for you guys too.  Your'e a bunch of really special people.

Louise x x

[whiteadder]

I hope you find reasons not to mamalou

Me too - hope you're ok tonight Louise x

[Catbrian]

Hi Louise....I agree with Zaf; alcohol never helps. What concerns me is why you have so much medication in the first place.....don't you take your medication as prescribed?