Screwy brain

[Buttercup]

I think that's what helps. I can't always open up to those close to me but I can on here.

Xxx

[whiteadder]

Louise, life can feel so full of people ready to judge and disapprove but that won't happen here. Maybe it's because many here can really understand what you mean by worrying what people will think and so on - I know I can.

Everyone has value and that includes you, one hundred percent.

:) x

[mamalou]

I think it never ceases to amaze me that there is still damage to be done to my wholly damaged self. I can go to depths that are lower than before, over and over again. When do I reach the bottom ? That's why I see death as the light at the end of my long, dark and torturous tunnel. There seems to be no other way.

Thanks for listening to my deepest darkest ramblings.

Louise x

[tharidler]

hi mamalou
i'm the same as you in the sense that i always worry and re-read what i write and even remove posts aswell in case i offend or they are undeserving of peoples attention its always a worry for me as it feels endless and when i think it can get no worse it does and the suicidal thoughts can be a problem as they can be scary but also look like an answer in short you are most definately not alone and you are worth more than you think i hope you feel better

[mamalou]

I don't think I will ever get better. How many more days can I bear ? No treatment is working. I absolutely do not know what I need in order to stay alive. I live my life on this forum as I have no-one to talk to. My husband is in denial, he refuses to talk about how severely depressed I am so I feel totally isolated. My poor children have had a skeleton of a mother for 2 years with no end in sight. 

Thank you so much for reading my miserable posts.

[Sweetpea]

They are not miserable mamalou.  At least you know you are not alone here  ^&^.

S x x x x

[Zaf]

I second that &*(  xxx

[mamalou]

I am overwhelmed by your kindness. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[Sweetpea]

 &*( ^&^

S x x x x

[Catbrian]

Louise....please believe, I was once in exactly the same position and one day I might be back there again.  Any treatment I tried offered no release from the painful misery I felt every minute of the day. It is frightening just how real suicide becomes during these dark times.
Recently I have had a slight improvement in my depression. This is due to a new medication. Try not give up hope because one day the same will happen for you.

[Amanda]

Louise, Im sorry, in no way am i 'more deserving' of anyone ever, please dont think that, im so sorry if i made u think that, oh god i'm so sorry xxxxxx

[mamalou]

Catbrian, Thanks for your positive outlook. I bounce from crisis to crisis and it's hard to see anything changing. Thank you again x

Amanda, I am so sorry you are having a hard time. And I meant nothing negative by removing my posts and writing here instead. I think we are both seeking out reassurance and support at the moment. I have awful self worth issues and didn't want to be a distraction to the support you were needing. You don't have anything to be sorry for at all. I hope things begin to improve for you. x x

[mamalou]

I also have a guilty secret that I want to share here as I can't with anyone else. I have a large bag of medication that would be enough to end my life. I have carefully accumulated them and researched their toxicity.  I don't want anyone to be alarmed. It is a very odd control thing. I do not want to dispose of the medication as it is my one ray of light but it also scares me to death when I feel the way I do. I have held back from mentioning this again as I don't mean it as an attention seeking thing but I really need it out there. The one thing I hate about myself where this is concerned is the deceit. However, I have found the depths of my dispair conducive to the deceit with which to collect the drugs with which I can end it all.

I feel slightly relieved now. Again thank you. x

[Sweetpea]

Glad it has helped writing about it here, This is a good place to get things out.

S x x x x

[whiteadder]

. I have a large bag of medication that would be enough to end my life.

You should talk to your doctor or someone supportive about this. I think you should consider making this situation safe, removing the risk and having other life lines available, like a crisis number or a person you can go to (including us :)

Also, just want you to know I've read your posts and am glad you are finding it helpful here :)