Screwy brain

[mamalou]

Today I feel vulnerable. I feel small and utterly alone. I feel totally confused.
Is it just me or does this illness make you feel like your brain is completely screwed ?
My thoughts begin in one place and within a moment are off on a tangeant.
The darkness of depression is so overwhelming and disabling and I am hanging on by my fingernails.

I have decided that I would be better off with no friends and with minimal contact with the outside world. I am bored of me and exhausted.

Low, low, low.

[whiteadder]

As one of many on here who know what some of those things feel like, I can really sympathise with you :)

I have decided that I would be better off with no friends and with minimal contact with the outside world. I am bored of me and exhausted.

Sometimes it's good to withdraw a little, but we all need people around us. Sometimes they let us down. Sometimes it feels like we can't face them. But for most people those feelings come and go. Give yourself some slack, book a doctor's appointment if you need :)

[Beetzart]

I could have written that, Mamalou.  You are not alone  &*(

[Maus]

mamalou i always find doing one thing at a time in small steps helps. no matter how tired you feel, don't push yourself too hard and too fast.

=)

[tharidler]

hello mamalou
i am so sorry you are feeling this way today i can totally understand what you are saying i have times when i feel small for me its almost as if i were a very small child all alone and scared and that is horrible as for the disjointed thoughts that is also a pain for me as it can happen at anytime including in the midst of a conversation which can be a little awkward and i know for many of us on here the darkness can be overwhelming but take heart there will be better days and sometimes it helps to have friends and they may help lighten the load a little (not that i can say much as my three year old has just said he is going to be my best friend and sadly its true) i hope you feel better soon

[Zaf]

For you mamalou &*(

[mamalou]

Thank you for all your replies. Your support and care is amazing.  £$%
Today has been a little harder and I have the urge to hibernate. Why can't I just disappear ?  The suffering that depression brings knows no limit.
Sorry I am so negative and low - I don't want to bring you down too.

Thanks again for your messages. It feels safe here.   

[whiteadder]

Sorry I am so negative and low - I don't want to bring you down too.

This is not something you should worry about - we choose to be here and support each other :)

It feels safe here.   

I feel that too :)

[Zaf]

Whiteadder is totally right - the urge to hibernate is a very common one, I hope things improve for you very soon xxx

[mamalou]

I wrote on another post about suicidal thoughts, then removed my posts as I felt horrifically guilty and convinced that the lady on the post receiving all the replies was altogether more deserving of help than me.

I just wanted to say a few things to get them out there. I absolutely don't want to come across as an attention seeker as really I am not worth worth worrying about. And I don't expect a flurry of replies either.

I just wanted to say that for me at the moment, the lows know no limits. The depression is like a suffocating blanket. I just want to sleep. I don't want to face the real world. I don't want friends as I can't manage them. I feel alone. I deserve to be alone. Who could want to be alongside me? It would be a relief all round for me to be gone. I do feel safe here but I come to this forum with a whole load of serious self esteem issues. I find it so hard to write here and then worry about what I have written and people's perception of me and my illness.

Sorry.

[Sweetpea]

You don't need to apologise, you can write how you feel here and never be judged.

 &*( &*(

S x x x x

[mamalou]

Thank you Shaz. x x

[Buttercup]

Hi mamalou

I also worry constantly about what others think about what I say or do. That's the great thing about this forum that I can talk freely. Please don't feel you need to apologise, we are here to listen to you and won't judge.

Xxx

[mamalou]

It is such a strange thing. Here I feel I can say things ( although I worry like hell!) but I don't know who anyone is ! I open up small parts of myself and little glimpses into the difficulties that are my day to day life. So strange yet so helpful and totally anonymous. To be in the depths of such an awful illness and share with others is one of the only things that keep me safe and has helped me through suicidal thoughts and actions.

Louise x

[Sweetpea]

Its comforting to be able to talk about feelings and thoughts to people that understand and not be judged. 

We can help each other here.

S x x x x