I hate myself.

[Sweetpea]

Can you not get an appointment for after work?  Just worried for you.  

S x x x x

[Sallas]

Thanks Shaz im gonna come up with a plan tomorrow right now im just trying to get through th night xxx

[Sallas]

Thinking, thinking & thinking. About nothing and everything. Finding it difficult to breath. Throat problems & abit of a panic attavk happening. My heart itches & im over tired.

[Sweetpea]

Do you know of breating exercises you can do to help?  I am concerned for you, really think you need to call someone for help.

S x x

[Sallas]

Made it through the night & feel pretty confident about getting help. I know i cant go on like this. Im gonna try get to a go today, im going to mail my friends to tell them in abit more detail where i am at. Hopefully thats a start. Still feel awful but slightly more hopeful. Thanks for ur msgs yesterday, u have no idea how much they helped x

[Sweetpea]

Thats good to hear, you are making a start. Let us know how it goes.

Take care

S x x x x

[Sallas]

I dont know what to say anymore. I dont know why im even back here. My mind was made up again and a moments break and here i am. Distraction.

[woozywoo]

How are you feeling Sallas?

[Sallas]

Not good. Not good at all. I just cant seem to snap myself out of it. Im exhausted & scared. I know the answers ring people call ur dr etc but i cant, i wont & i dont know if even want to. What if i get through this how many more times do i go here. Im just so done with feeling this way. Ive been thinking for the past hour about how people wud react to the news, i dont know why, its like im hoping to find a reason not to but if they only knew how bad this felt, they would understand im sure of it. im not going to but i cant i cant understand why not, its like its worse punishment to stay alive. dying would be more than i deserve. I just dont know how im here again. Im just ranting sorry, i just know writing here occupies me. I want to sleep but my eyes sting.

[woozywoo]

I feel for you,i really do. Hugs x x

But i personally know its impossible for me to pull myself out of where i am alone. I have support of family, friends, people here but that still isnt enough. I have just in last few weeks found s professional who truely understands where i am and how i feel and i cant put into words how wonderful that is. You really do need to seek help for this. Why are you against getting medical support??

[Sallas]

Im not really, its just anytime ive tried ive never been taken serious, i get the everyone has problems card. Maybe i dont express myself well enough, although i think im just short of screaming at them 'im dying here' no one ever seems to help no matter how much i ask or beg them to, yesterday o had a few hours of being positive and pro active. I told friends, rang councellors and the aa. Didnt heat from one friends today, no responce from the councellors to my emails or calls, the aa did respond but there opening line of ee dont council or help with medial something something made me feel like i need to be in a reasonable state before i go to a meeting. As in i dont cry all the way through one. It seems like its just me no-one seems to want to help. If inwas looking for a sign from the universe, id have it 12 times over. Again i know try other ones ill find someone eventually but right now im having one big pity party that no one cared enough AGAIN to help. Im 32 i should be old enough to help myself, i sound like a whinging kid with excuse after excuse, i get that. Theres just so many things in my head, i havent got it in my to ask again. I just need to calm to down wake up tomorrow and hope its a better day. Nite. Thanks.

[whiteadder]

It's so important that you feel listened to and that you are taken seriously. Don't know if this will help but I found it helpful to take a written list of everything I'd been experiencing to my GP. Take care :)

[Zaf]

That definitely does help sallas, and stops you forgetting important things you need to say

Z xx

[Sallas]

I have tonsilitis again, starting to think thats why have been so alone, my body knew it wasnt right. Cant take days off or make my gp ( i have medical card). I tried two others and they wouldnt see me with about paying upfront ( i have no funds) the result is im boiling up, can barely breath, maybe this was the out i was looking for. Right now though i could do really do with some hardcore drugs. I maybr soley responsible for the heat wave.

[Zaf]

Drink lots of water sallas and do try to get to your octor somehow if you possibly can

Z xx