Here i am again

[woozywoo]

Not expecting anyone 2 reply,this is more for my need 2 get everything out. I cant see a way forward anymore. Things are slowly falling apart all around me. I think i know something one minute,but then they are sayin something different. Something they havent said before.

Im so confused about who i am and what i want. How on earth do you start working that one out. I havent done anything bad in my life but i want one of 2 things. 1,scrap this life and start afresh or the preference 2,not 2 wake up and have a life at all.

I dont know where to turn next. My docs are just putting all my care in2 the hands of my consultant. One who i found privately as the nhs provision Didnt suit me at all. She has had 2 cancel my last 2 appts,but i have 2 set up for next week. One of them was goin 2 be 2day and i think Thats maybe why i havegone downhill this afternoon,i was relying on that appt 2 get everything out.

I always used to cry a lot,but i find i cant this time around. And i think maybe the ppl around me dont think i am suffering to badly,cos i am not crying all the time. But i feel like i am quietly dying inside. I have withdraw from everything and everyone. I am numb and empty.

This is when i struggle to be alone. This is when i need to have someone sitting with me. I need to be told its goin to be Ok. I am scared that it will never be ok again. The pain is intense. I am emersed by pain and nothing eases it. Nothing

[Zaf]

Find and hang on to a good counsellor if you can, they can help us explore and find answers to the type of questions you're asking yourself

Z xx

[Buttercup]

Really feel for you. I get the 'don't know who I really am feeling' a lot.

It's really hard when you build yourself up to an appointment and it's cancelled, sort of feels like your lifeline has been pulled away.

Hang in there

Xxx

[Sweetpea]

I agree with Zaf, I found a very good  counseller and found it to be such a good help.  She made me understand and cope with my feelings.

Take care

S x x x x

[woozywoo]

Thanx for your replys.

I dont plan on letting the consultant go,she has been amazing and actually restored some
of my faith in the health service,though i am seeing her privately. I feel as though someone cares and wants to support me in gettin better.

But its the usual sort me feeling as i lay here in the dark. Its just over whelming and scary. Im goin through a low time now,was last this bad about 4years ago. But the worst thing is i know it is goin 2 get a lot harder before it gets better. I dont feell strong enough to cope with 2morrow let alone what 5-6months down the line is goin to bring me. I am refering to the break up of my relationship. I had made up my mind what i was goin to do but the last few days my partner is talkin differently about something. Which is confusing me but i still think its best the relationship ends. I am just absolutely terrified of hurting him. This is all stuff my consultant said we re goin to work through,but its all whirring around,i cant switch off again!

I hate this time at the moment,but i cant see a way to make this time of nite any easier on myself. I am rambling now,sorry!

[Buttercup]

Don't worry about the rambling, I often do on here almost as a way to try and slow things down so that I can process my own thoughts, if that makes sense. 

Is there anyone you can use as a sounding block?  One of my tutors from a couple of years ago is brilliant somehow he helps clear things in your mind without actually giving any advice.

xxx

[whiteadder]

I think that makes three troubled teachers up late and fretting

Glad it's going well with the consultant and hoping things turn out for the best in terms of your relationship

x

[Buttercup]

 Lol, I guess it does Whitadder 

[woozywoo]

I feel bad that i keep posting here and people reply because i dont feel up to replying to anyones posts and even if i did, i wouldnt have anything useful to say, but i just need to type.

I have had what i would call a relatively normla day, which is a little unsettling. I have just chilled out, relaxed, done some reading, bath, cooking etc. But now i am sitting on the sofa with a feeling of doom and gloom. But why? I have an appt tomorrow and i guess i am going through what i want to discuss there, so dont know whether thats it, but its just horrible. I hate having an ok and then ending it like this. Grrr

[Zaf]

We all have periods when we can help and when we need help or just go quiet, if you need to post but dont feel up to posting elsewhere thats fine, one day you might be able to help someone else :)  xx

[mrmoody]

thats ok, sometimes dont know what to post or say myself. hope your feeling better soon. anything specific? sometimes I get a feeling of dread for no particular reason. I guess like me you have an awful lot going off at the moment so the slightest thing sets it all off.

[woozywoo]

Thanx Zaf.

No trigger, sometimes i wish there was a trigger, would help to explain where the feeling comes from.

I am off work at the moment, my school go back tomorrow and i guess i do miss some of the people i work with. I know i have people who care, but it does feel as if no one cares sometimes. Right now it feels like i am the one and only person in this world who feels like this. Im being irrational i know, but its how i feel.

[Sweetpea]

 &*( Woozy, I know when I am bad it feels like I am the only one suffering.  You are not alone here and just post when you feel you need or want to, there is no pressure to post.

Take care

S x x x x

[Catbrian]

woozy....Sometimes we give and at other times we take as much support as is poss. I don't think you're rambling at all. It's good to share.  I can relate to your overwhelming scary feelings of dread. I find my own mental health scares me to death. When I'm at my lowest I'm haunted by just how precarious the human mind really is. We think we're in control until our whole beings are completely overcome and possessed by depression. That scares me to death.

[Buttercup]

Agree with Shaz, there is no preassure to post.

Hope the appointment goes well tomorrow, do you think that could be the trigger for the downturn? Maybe thinking about what you are going to say.

Xxx