Hi I'm new and asking for help

[Zaf]

I went private this time, it has the advantage of being able to make appointments when you want and to go beyond the initial few appointments if you feel you need it, there is a governing body and you should look for certain letters after a counsellors name which I cant remember at the moment but if someone else doesnt come up with it I'll try to look up for you.

Counselling should be totally private and confidential.

[Sweetpea]

I have started my counselling through MIND ( which you can find in through Google or whichever you use).  Its £35.00 a session I only had to wait just over a week, whereas through my gp on the nhs it would have been over a year.  The counsellors are all fully registered.  Just a thought you may consider.  Also if you do decide to go to your gp for help and he decides he wants you to start medication you will need to tell him you are taking St Johns Wort.  So they are aware.

Take care

S x

[Zaf]

I think if you're unwaged MIND will do it cheaper, I think someone said around £15 :)

[Sweetpea]

Yes Zaf thats right, it is £15 but even that can be wavered I think if you can't afford it.

S x

[FootieFan87]

Another BAD one today. Feel so much better when I'm home from work. One more day to grind it out then I can relax for a little bit. I can't seem to break the habit of googling everything regarding the issues such 'things I did in my past' 'i downloaded something bad when I was young'  'should I confess' etc ad infinitum and keep reading these horrible stories which certainly don't perk me up. I just wish they're was someone who had the same story as me but there isn't any. I want to just bury this and maybe tell my wife when we're both older/married but I don't know if this is morally right I should also mention that I do have a slight incest turn on(only in fantasy. In real life i find it sickening) as an adult but hate it about myself. I read erotica and roleplayed and stuff up until a few years ago but the incident I mentioned is the only one where i downloaded anything dodgy. I thought I best mention this as its pertinent. I really hope things look brighter tomorrow.

[FootieFan87]

Please talk this through with me. I'm not quite ready for therapy yet but would appreciate an ear xxx

[Zaf]

I really dont know much about these things but I sense you feel they are morally wrong so wouldnt actually act on them but its probably not healthy to keep googling them


Is work your trigger to feeling depressed do you think?

[FootieFan87]

Just to clarify. I'm not reading these google answers etc for an illicit thrill believe me. It just soothes me to hear that these are not unforgiveable things and that a partner could accept them. No problem, zaf thanks for listening. I understand you're not a trained professional so I will stop acting like you are. Today's got alot more promise than yesterday. I might try and start my day with the mantra... 'these things happened in the past when you were a curious child left to roam the Internet. You cannot change them. You are not sick or a danger to anyone. You can only live your life as it is now to try and be successful and build a good future for me and my girlfriend. By falling into a pit of desperation I'm purely risking losing her now instead of on my own terms years from now.'

[FootieFan87]

Have a good day out there everyone!!!!! Xxxxx

Especially you zaf. I hope you have some amazing breakthrough today which puts you more at peace. Just now there is someone willing it to happen :)

[Zaf]

Just to clarify. I'm not reading these google answers etc for an illicit thrill believe me. It just soothes me to hear that these are not unforgiveable things and that a partner could accept them. No problem, zaf thanks for listening. I understand you're not a trained professional so I will stop acting like you are. Today's got alot more promise than yesterday. I might try and start my day with the mantra... 'these things happened in the past when you were a curious child left to roam the Internet. You cannot change them. You are not sick or a danger to anyone. You can only live your life as it is now to try and be successful and build a good future for me and my girlfriend. By falling into a pit of desperation I'm purely risking losing her now instead of on my own terms years from now.'

thats a very positive attitude and I dont think things you did in your youth should bother you to be honest,  these things seem natural to me,  just curiosity.

I'm a touch better today thanks and looking forward to the weekend and hoping a bit more rest will get the horrid cold symptoms a lot better in those couple of days :)

[Glen53]

I think with all moral dilemas its a matter of time to see whether you are able to live with whatever is eating at you.

I think its clearly something that is destroying you from the inside and talking to someone would be a weight off. Im a firm believer in talking to my wife about pretty much everything, but I feel in your case things may be different. If you are trying to do the right thing in facing these daemons and move away from whatever dark action is in your past, it may be better to speak to a proffesional councilor first. Some of these things can shock people beyond what they are willing to accept and this may destroy aspects of your current life. My view is that you clearly regret whatever happened and you are trying to understand and move away from it. In this respect its not right or fair to risk both your future happiness at this stage.

It may help you to tell a stranger if you cant face a councillor. This act in itself may be enough for you to begin to move on from things. I would say that you need to move away from the google aspect of things though. Even if its an innocent action, its clearly one you link with the original 'sin' and this is keeping things very much in the present. I can offer to listen via PM on this forum if it will help you. I realise its a big leap, but you have my word that only I will read what you write and I will delete any such posts after I have done so. I will remain impartial and try to advise you as best I can.

[FootieFan87]

Hi mate. Thats really decent of you. I will take you up on that offer when I next have some available time. I think what makes this all worse is I have a good life but now I can't enjoy it as much. I have matured into what I feel is a kind, genuine person i think but since I remembered these things, I feel like a fraud. Speak later depression fam x

[Glen53]

No problems,

I will be out most of tomorrow but should be in by early evening. I will check on here then.

[Liv]

Hi FootieFan, I saw a post of yours on one of the other threads on this website where you asked 'supportme' to read your introduction on the New Members bit because she is the same age as your girlfriend. I was curious because I am also 21 so I came to have a look.

I would like to say with all honesty that if a boyfriend of mine had 'admitted' to this, then I really would not be that bothered by it. And I'm not just saying that because if I really thought there was anything that weird about it I just wouldn't bother posting anything, I would read what you wrote and move on. I think the things that you did that seem so awful to you were probably just curiosity. I think lots of people probably look at these things and just wouldn't tell anyone and I don't think that makes you perverted or anything. So much stuff crops up on the internet all the time and even if you ignore it 99% of the time then curiosity will probably get the better of you now and again. And anything anyone does when they're 10 years old is probably pretty innocent, unless they have serious problems. In your case, I guess it was just you being a bit silly.

I'm not sure why you see what you did as so awful, is it the depression messing with your perception of yourself?

Hope you believe what I have said, you don't know me but I am a pretty honest person and don't really bother with bull&$%+ so please don't think I'm just saying what you want to hear. 

[Ezel]

I've jsut been reading the latest posts here and will try to read it from the start today.  It does help to 'talk' about things here though.