Hi I'm new and asking for help

[FootieFan87]

Hi guys, just checking in. I had an ok weekend. I watched my local football team in league 2 on Saturday who were rubbish! Then went to the cinema with my girlfriends family. Very little depressive thought however I'm not sure if this is just cause I've kept busy (partly out of fear). I can still feel the thoughts lurking in my psyche. Sometimes I wonder if depression is like drug addiction. You expect relapses but just try and make them as short as possible and they become more infrequent? Hope you all had good weekends xxx

[Zaf]

Keeping busy is sometimes the way to go but beware of getting overtired as that can sometimes bring you down with a bump.

Each episode of depression I learn more about it and how to cope better and get over it quicker,  Ive had a fantastic counsellor this time who has helped me change the way I think about things a lot which has helped tremendously so hopefully I'll manage to steer clear of another mini breakdown even if I do get periods of being down.

[FootieFan87]

Hi, are any of you guys still around??

[Zaf]

I am now :)

[Glen53]

Still here. How are things with you?

[FootieFan87]

Not great. I had a really good couple of months really. I had a great time at christmas buying presents for my family and friends and I went to winter wonderland which was great. In fact, I started the year quite optimistic. This kind of fell apart a couple of weeks ago. I went out with a group of single friends to London and due to my depression have a habit of drinking too much. I drunk to the point where I was unsure of where I even was. I thought I was in my home town and have a rough memory of kissing another woman other than my gf (I consider this cheating). A regular life event I know but it put me back to square 1 emotionally. I felt like I'm already keeping her with me by living a lie and now I can't even treat her with respect. It's so stupid anyway because I don't even want to cheat on my gf ever but my depression means I get black out drunk but then this adds to my shame and the circle continues.

Anyway I was a state and in my desperation I went to buy some st johns wart in a hope it would calm me down. I think it might have helped a little. I'm still in turmoil but still have a calmness. I went 'comatose' at work for about a week and my manager invited me in to a meeting to see if he could 'do anything'. I said no but I'm very happy that I managed to keep going and didn't even have a half day sick.

I guess I've got something else to add to the world on my shoulders!

How are you guys. Keeping on top of things?? Xxxxx

[Zaf]

I was doing pretty well til a flu type bug hit me and have gone downhill a bit but otherwise things were on the up till then :)

[FootieFan87]

I have decided to mark on a calendar my darker days so I can keep track of how well I've done so in the grander scheme of things I can see I am making overall improvement even in the midst of the abyss. Maybe you could do this to so your blip will be graphically shown to be just that. Thankyou for being here zaf. Last time I came in desperation, this time I think I'll stay :) did anyone see that program on genetic engineering last night? Our suffering might end soon because we'll be able to shut off parts of our brains. Scary.

[Glen53]

Some of us keep a journal on the site - it helps us look back and see the improvements we make. Feel free to start one if you like.

Ive had a tough few months (all in my journal if you want a read) but I think Im coming through the worst.

It sounds like you have had a difficult few weeks, but you are taking steps to keep on top of things.

[Zaf]

I have decided to mark on a calendar my darker days so I can keep track of how well I've done so in the grander scheme of things I can see I am making overall improvement even in the midst of the abyss. Maybe you could do this to so your blip will be graphically shown to be just that. Thankyou for being here zaf. Last time I came in desperation, this time I think I'll stay :) did anyone see that program on genetic engineering last night? Our suffering might end soon because we'll be able to shut off parts of our brains. Scary.

its a good idea to keep a note of how you're feeling day to day,  as Glen said a lot of us keep journals and I often actually score out of 10 each day how I'm feeling, I find it helps a lot

No I didnt but it does sound quite scary 

[FootieFan87]

Whoa today got alot worse. One of the hardest I've had to endure. Had to use my breathing just to calm down. Felt near panic attack. I've never had one thank god and hope I never do. Should I be forcing myself to interact with ppl at work or is this just more masking and papering over the cracks? X

[Zaf]

Thats a difficult one, you need to interact enough to seem civil and not totally withdrawn but beyond that point I'd say do what you feel you can cope with

[Glen53]

The Interaction you can cope with will vary depending on the condition of your illness. When you are feeling a little low, you will feel more vunerable and will need to limit your exposure to others as much as is realistically possible. If you try to avoid people altogether it will affect day to day living especially your job. It also wont help prepare you for times in the future that you will have to interact. However, if you throw yourself into large groups when you are feeling low, you will only heighten the feelings you have and make yourself feel worse overall.

Basically, its a balance that you need to get used to. Medication can help if you are not already on it but It has a stigma to it taht you need to overcome. It can take the edge off and make things easier if the right dose and meds are prescribed and along with counciling, you can quickly learn where your limits are in these situations. When you start to feel threatened by an envirnonment you can make your excuses and leave as soon as circumstance allows.

I hope this helps. 

[FootieFan87]

I think I'm going to give the sjw two weeks to take effect and if no difference think about seeing a counsellor. Is it really best to go through your gp or through a private company? I really want to see just one person. I don't feel like spilling my guts to all and sundry. Also I'm scared to go local in case my counsellor has some link to me?

Things to feel positive about today. I see my girlfriend on Saturday and just being with her and not having to sleep alone is a good thing. How comes I'm different to other couples on this site? I never reject her? I isolate myself but for her I can break the melancholy every time. She's becoming my reason for getting up in the morning and that's very scary. I feel like ive got from a cheeky chappy to a pathetic puppy that needs affection all the time and needs to be in constant contact with her. Another thing to feel positive about. I'm going to see the football on Sunday with my friends!

[Glen53]

Sometimes we latch on to those close to us because we are scared of being left alone with this illness. I would describe it as being left alone in the darkness with no light or sound - even if you are surrounded by people. Its a terribly lonely feeling.

If you enjoy her company then thats a good thing.

Counculing-wise you can go through GP or go private. I have done both and find the private one is better for me. It costs £40 for a an hour and helps me a lot. Confidentiality will protect you from anyone finding out unless they physically see you standing with the guy wearing a 'councilor badge' so dont worry in that respect.