How are you feeling today?

[Zaf]

I think it is munchroom, we all try too hard and in the end we suffer for it

I get night sweats due to my age and they're horrible    has your GP said anything about them?

[Zaf]

ps  its a lovely day and hopefully the farrier will turn up to trim the horses' feet, he cancelled the last 3 appointments at the last minute which I find very annoying too!

[Got]

Don't worry, I will do your horses feet for free. Downside, you will probably have to have your horse put down afterwards. 

[Zaf]

I think I'll pass on that kind offer 

[Lol]

Munchroom thanks so much for your post. It gave me a bit of a boost. I think only letting myself think about this at a certain time for a certain amount of time is a really good idea and I'll try to do it thank you. I just still can't get over the thought that if she has ended the relationship because her depression is making her feel guilt and self loathing, then THERE WAS NO NEED!!!!!!! Oh my god make it stop.

I had been looking forward to today as some sort of temporary relief because it should have been her day off, but I walked in this morning and there she was!! Covering some one else who was off. We have been working together all morning and it has been quite nice and quite normal. But now I want to cry for several hours because I can't take it home with me and cuddle it.

Today I feel physically angry. I want to smash some things up and if possible some faces in (I of course wont). I want to destroy something masssive. I would love to control a bulldozer and knock down a massive high rise building. I would love to push a hotel off a cliff with my bare hands and watch it smash to pieces. I feel so angry and fuelled that I feel like I physically could! I can't make the pain stop.

So much for the beginning of my post!

[Zaf]

would doing something really energetic help?  Before my back got too bad I used to dig the muck heap for about an hour, by the time I'd finished I had got rid of all that anger and energy

[Munchroom]

I get night sweats due to my age and they're horrible    has your GP said anything about them?

The doctor - and the woman from the mental health team that I saw - both put them down to the Venlafaxine  I have a Dr's appointment next week... so *sighs* will go through it all again with him....

I just still can't get over the thought that if she has ended the relationship because her depression is making her feel guilt and self loathing, then THERE WAS NO NEED!!!!!!! Oh my god make it stop.

Logic doesn't come into play Lol.... there was probably no reason for her self loathing and guilt, but it is what the depression does to us. It make us hate ourselves so much that we cannot bear to have anyone love us because we simply do not understand how they can. 'Setting them free' is an option that can appeal quite strongly....

[Zaf]

poor you, they really are horrible

[Lol]

Munchroom thank you for trying to help me to understand. I'm sorry I'm so slow on the uptake and I don't want to make you feel like you're banging your head against a brick wall becasue that's how I feel at the moment! I'm SO confused. I know what you are saying but I just can't believe she is doing this and has done this. It is extraordinary.

She said she is happy now. They were her last words on the subject. She doesn't really look happy, she acts it sometimes, but she is looking pretty ropey actually. She is a tiny size 8 and now she looks more like a 6 and her head looks like a lollypop with two big brown eyes sticking out and a bony jaw line. She's just head, jaw and eyes. She is always eating (she's always been that kind of person that can eat ALL the pizza and not put on an ounce) but she is loosing weight. If she was happy wouldn't she be putting some on and looking a bit healthier? Do you think she might have just said she was happy now to push me away and 'set me free' ??

[Zaf]

Its possible lol but I'm not sure you should be pinning your hopes on that

[Depina]

Hi Lol
Gosh,doesn't sound like she is happy does it?
Can understand the anger, it's is the not knowing.
Sorry Lol,
hope you feel better soon.
Di XX

[danbob]

melancholic..... that is all

[Munchroom]

Perhaps in a way she is happier Lol. Not being in a relationship takes away some of the guilt that being in a relationship can bring when you are at rock bottom, right now all she has to think about - and can manage to think about, is herself. I know that makes it no more bearable for you, but I can only go from my own experience and believe me, I wore the whole 'he'd be better off without me' t-shirt for quite a while! xxx

[Got]

Perhaps in a way she is happier Lol. Not being in a relationship takes away some of the guilt that being in a relationship can bring when you are at rock bottom, right now all she has to think about - and can manage to think about, is herself. I know that makes it no more bearable for you, but I can only go from my own experience and believe me, I wore the whole 'he'd be better off without me' t-shirt for quite a while! xxx

Personally I can't understand any of this, or any of the ways in which Lols ex is behaving.

I have only ever understood love, loyalty and commitment and the desire to be togther. I don't comprehend anything else and I don't know why some people act the way they do....they must have very different ways of thinking to me.

[Lol]

Its possible lol but I'm not sure you should be pinning your hopes on that

Thanks Zaf. I don't have any hope any more so I can't pin any on anything, I really feel like I need to understand it though. She has made so many contradictions I can't find 1 definitive thing that I can rationalise this as, Even if it is not something I want to hear, I just need a diagnosis so I can lay this to bed and move on.

Perhaps in a way she is happier Lol. Not being in a relationship takes away some of the guilt that being in a relationship can bring when you are at rock bottom, right now all she has to think about - and can manage to think about, is herself. I know that makes it no more bearable for you, but I can only go from my own experience and believe me, I wore the whole 'he'd be better off without me' t-shirt for quite a while! xxx

Thanks Munchroom this makes sense, again! Thank you! She did say I was the one for her and she wouldn't want another relationship, just to 'die a spinster with a dog' lovely! and she has said she feels so guilty and has said 'I can't be what you want me to be' which I never understood either because she IS what I want her to be?!?!?!?!?! Did you actually finish with your other half at the time? how long did you wear the Tshirt for? and how did it ever get any better?