Zaf just take things easy ok. You do so much for us all on here but for today just think of you and be solely concerned with pampering yourself and relax if you can.
I have not slept a wink all night, not even my usual hour or so. I have my doctors appt at 9am and as usual I need to plan it like a strategic attack. He is usually running late so I need to time things so I dont have to sit and wqait around. As its all open plan in reception there is nowhere to sit and hide away and not be stared at. The journey is frought with danger and the drive is only 5 mins away but its morning and to avoid traffic and school runs as well as schools i nEed to hit back roads, well tell my son to as he's driving. I have even sold my beloved 2.5 and bought a little 1.4 so he can drive me when i cant manage but the car is small and not very much protection if we crash.
Now to plan what to say to him when he asks the usual question, "how have you been". - mean where do you start? How have I been? How was I this morning? How was I three hours ago? How have I been by the hour for the past few weeks ? Its all been so different. I've been up so high I swear I could have won the Afghan war alone and I've bEen down so low that I swear dying would have been a blessing. Do I start by telling him how difficult I find it to just go outside and how scared I feel just being outside my front door or do I tell him how Sad i feel when I "come down" from one of my "anger outbursts" and how &$%+ they make me feel? Do I start by telling him how one second I can feel like I have won the lottery but how 99 per cent of the time I feel like I have lost everything?
Do I start by telling him how i feel as if my chest is pounding so hard its going to explode or tell him how i feel i'm never going to get better and thats why last week when I was at my oh so powerful state of mind I took control and made my will and planned how my funeral would be, typed it all out and even began choosing my coffin etc. I renamed my online savings account funeral expenses and transferred funds there or do I tell him how angry I get at myself just for thinking like this so I pinch myself and bang my head until the thinking stops, it does eventually but then the headache starts and so the sadness carries on.
I could go on and on but I fear if Im too open, too honest then they'll think im mad and lock me away or think im just pretending so i keep it all in and wear my mask of shame.
All this for a ten minute doctors appointment to get some pills. I havent even got to asking for another sick note and how i'll feel when i do. How i'll feel like a scrounger just getting benefits or how he may be thinking "here we are, another scammer pretending to be depressed" God knows how things would end up if I started on telling him how low and worthless the CBT meeting made me feel, how them saying i suffered from low mood made me feel like a fraud. How by me keepiong my mask on to hide my true feelings seems to cover up the deeper issues for fear of losing my family if things are seen to be too bad.
Yes its just another patient to him in his busy day but to me its bigger than the royal wedding and takes much more planning.
Have a good day everyone. Heres to making it back home safely.
