How are you feeling today?

[Pete]

Honesty. Thats the problem at times. I find it hard to admit what I feel as I really do feel that I will be seen as weak. I also have days when I feel ok, normal infact (if normal is wat I class as normal that is) so I think maybe i'm not as bad as I think I am etc. At times I am so sure there is more to how i'm feeling, I know I shouldnt diagnose myself ( im sure we all have at sometime) but when your close family has been diagnosed with something and although you have never been bought up with them etc yet you ( without telling them anything) see symptoms they have in yourself its hard not to self diagnose. My brother has been first clinically depressed then diagnosed as bipolar. My natural father had bouts that fit in with bipolar although he was never medically diagnosed with anything back then. Part of me inside "knows" its something along these lines yet as the councellor said " you have been seen by a CPN and referred  here for low mood" basically saying they know what they know etc etc. maybe shes right? Maybe i'm just down a bit.

my head thinks too much i think.

[Zaf]

No Pete you arent "just down a bit", you have depression.

I know its never easy to tell the truth because strong people who get depression are used to putting on a brave face and soldiering on,  but y'know, its actually stronger to tell the truth in a way because its something you hate to do

xx

[Pete]

The thing is that I'm actually damn good at acting , always have been and so most times I can sit in front of someone and although on the inside I'm all over the place on the outside I can pretty much make it look like i'm perfectly fine. I have mastered this over the years but of late its become much more drastic to the point it takes all of my energies to pull it off and then when I'm back in my safe zone the fallout is massive and iKm a massive mess. This is when i realised i couldnt do it any more. Its only been the drink that held it all together i feel and now its sooo hard. I have ALWAYS had the highs and lows as long as I can remember but as a teen it was just who i was. Hyper and crazy Pete or lazy Pete who slept for what seemed like days cuz he was lazy. As an adult i blamed the lows on cannibis or the booze and the highs were when i was on top form and thought I was "the man"

Maybe if i wrote things down like I do here it would be a help for those who i see but how do you stroll into your doctors office and say just read this lol

[Zaf]

Its not as daft as you think Pete, when I went for my first counselling appointment this time I wrote everything down and read from my notes, at no time did she ridicule me or say anything to make me feel silly doing it, if its the only way you think you can tell the doctor the truth it may be the way to go

Its so easy to wrap your real self in a hard outer shell and, I for one, find it incredibly difficult to let the real me out or let the outside world see the real me.

[Alstare1974]

I'm going to quit my job. I can't cope. Currently in tears. I've lost everything wife, house, dog, cats and now my job. Is there really any further point.

[Zaf]

Alstare, you need to go back to your GP urgently and tell him whats happened and how you feel, dont hold anything back or put a brave face on it.

It may not feel like it now but, yes, there is a point and things do improve however unlikely it seems at this hellish low point.

I wish I could help more but all I can tell you is that things do eventually get better

[Lol]

Alstare you are doing it don't quit now. It will feel strange at first but you are able to get through this. You are capable and you will come through this. Remember the person you once were and do it for him. Remember him and imagine him looking at you confused and telling you you can do it. You can do it Alstare. You have support around you. You are in a safe place. Your parents love you. We are here for you. You can let go of your demons. Choose to carry on Alstare the hard part is over you are on the path. You weren't last week and you are today. All you have to do is take it one day at a time.

Tell me about what happened on your first day. I've been dying to hear all about it and you haven't told me yet. Who was there, who did you talk to? What does your desk look like? What work did you do? What work have you got planned for this week? Are there any hotties in the office?

C'mon mate lets have it, I've got a beer on and I want to hear all about it don't clam up.  Â£$£

[Lol]

The thing is that I'm actually damn good at acting , always have been and so most times I can sit in front of someone and although on the inside I'm all over the place on the outside I can pretty much make it look like i'm perfectly fine. I have mastered this over the years but of late its become much more drastic to the point it takes all of my energies to pull it off and then when I'm back in my safe zone the fallout is massive and iKm a massive mess. This is when i realised i couldnt do it any more. Its only been the drink that held it all together i feel and now its sooo hard. I have ALWAYS had the highs and lows as long as I can remember but as a teen it was just who i was. Hyper and crazy Pete or lazy Pete who slept for what seemed like days cuz he was lazy. As an adult i blamed the lows on cannibis or the booze and the highs were when i was on top form and thought I was "the man"

Maybe if i wrote things down like I do here it would be a help for those who i see but how do you stroll into your doctors office and say just read this lol

Pete you must stop this acting when you're in front of your doctor at the very least. DO take a list of forum posts in with you!!!! I will help SO much and your GP will just breathe a sigh of relief!!! You have decided to deal with this, so lets have it. It takes a stronger man to take the mask off than than hide behind it.

[Lol]

Cornish how you doing?

[cornish]

I have found myself pinching myself too for no reason? I dont know why but at times its very hard but I feel its to relax me although it doesnt really if you know what I mean. do you think my meds needs changing or is it something else?

hey pete nice to hear from you again,  the pinching is a very mild form of self harm, its a safe and its actually recommended as an alternative to si. but please dont let the si get any worse, im saying this from experience and now by body is a mess and i regret it.




only really came on to make sure no one worried about me, i think saying a bad was would be a bit of an understatement

[Zaf]

Sorry to hear things are bad atm cornish, but thanks very much for posting so we werent worrying  :)

[Alstare1974]

hey pete nice to hear from you again,  the pinching is a very mild form of self harm, its a safe and its actually recommended as an alternative to si. but please dont let the si get any worse, im saying this from experience and now by body is a mess and i regret it.

only really came on to make sure no one worried about me, i think saying a bad was would be a bit of an understatement

Is that why I dig my nails into my knuckles at times.

[cornish]

very possibly, its something to mention to your gp, i know exactly how you feel about it and if it does help and is not doing any damage then i would say carry on with it but please dont let it get any worse

 i bite my knuckles,i actually compleatly bit one off one day, its a bit of a funny shape now 

[Alstare1974]

Had a really traumatic day today with some police stuff that I've not mentioned on here before. It's really upset me and I feel so close to the edge. Am scared of going to bed cos am scared of the dark thoughts of wanting to take my life

[Munchroom]

Sorry I've been a bit quiet the last few days lovelies - am in the middle of a few really busy days (why does everything all come at once?!  ) Am looking forward to Thursday when I can come home from my night shift and go to bed and not have to wake up alllllllllllllllllllllll day!!!

I had my appointment with the community mental health team yesterday (they didn't cancel this time!) And I spent over an hour talking with a woman about my medication. She agreed that Venlafaxine is a bad tablet for me and that the withdrawal symptoms are just awful. She re-assured me that what I was feeling last week was 'normal' but insisted that I have to come of it at a speed that suits me - if it means alternate days for the foreseeable future, so be it! But I do need to be OFF it before I can expect to see any improvements. The Trazadone she wants upping gradually to its maximum dose of 300mg (I'm currently on half that...) she said they could go higher, but I would have to be admitted. If that doesn't work then she suggested a few other AD's that could be taken alongside it and one that only they can prescribe which is an anti-psychotic...  I did keep hearing the phrase 'treatment resistant depression' knocking around my head, but I haven't researched into that and I hope to god that doesn't become the case!! She identified my main problems as sleep, anxiety, 'low mood' (I know Pete, it seems like a joke doesn't it??) and she was quite concerned about my fear of putting on weight... Still - all of this is going to be referred back to my GP, so... at least its progress, I guess!

Pete - its so good to hear from you again and I sense a bit more positivity in your posts this week  :) When it comes to putting on a front, I think depression makes brilliant actors out of all of us!  I also pinch... usually when I'm anxious, it helps take my mind off of the situation in hand. As Cornish says, it is a mild form of self-harm, if it helps... then in all honesty I wouldn't be too concerned but please limit yourself to just that! And do mention it to your doctor, taking out a printout of some of your posts on here is not a bad idea at all. I find my mind goes blank as soon as I get into my doctors surgery and I find myself focusing more on the lunch he has on his desk for later and how it always looks so healthy (usually tinned fish and rice) and is it healthy because he's a doctor or is his wife trying to get him to eat healthier? Has he even got a wife? Whats she like? Do they have children? My mind just goes off on a tangent....  And of course, 10 minutes is nowhere near enough time to explain all the conflicting thoughts and worries and questions in your mind! I'd say take the print out - and be as honest as you possibly can - these professionals need to know what they are dealing with if they stand any hope of getting us better!

Alstare - I'm so sorry your first couple of days back at work have been so rotten  I do agree with Lol though.... please don't quit. You have done the first day!! I know the thought of all the other days and the getting up each morning must feel like you are about to climb Everest, but the first day back is always the biggest hurdle and you have done it! what does your doctor think about you starting back at work, and your parents?

Cornish - You bit your knuckle OFF?! Do you have rat teeth???    Pm me if you need to...

Lol - how are you? You have given some wonderful advice over the last few days but have shared very little about how you are doing, I hope you are ok? Have you had a Relate meeting this week?

Zaf - A good nights sleep!! I am a very unflattering shade of green you lucky thing!!!  I'm so pleased that things seem to be on the up - you don't need me to tell you this, but please try and not do too much (easier said than done - I know!!) You truly are an inspiration to us all when it comes to managing this and riding out the bad times  :)

Smirfy - Its lovely to hear from you and from your post it seems like you have a handle on things  :)

xxxxxx