How are you feeling today?

[Alstare1974]

Cornish

Well done for the long post mate. We're here to help you through. I'm only a pm away

Nick

[Munchroom]

Alstare... I always imagined you were called Alistare! 

As Nick says Cornish, we are all here to support you my lovely and if you don't feel like posting or offering advice - any of us are only a pm away  :)

As Lol says too - depression does black out the positives. I know your p.t.s.d is awful and in all honestly, I cannot even begin to imagine how awful it is to be fighting that as well as depression. Are the other forums helping you? Are you able to talk about what happened and what you can remember??

As for the self-harm - I constantly look at things and consider what would happen if I let it. I do it countless times a day. I think once you have crossed that line of inflicting injury on yourself - as with considering suicide - it takes a long time to back from that. Your whole perception on life and things around you does change. BUT I do not self-harm as much as I did and I do have that feeling on low days of just wanting to escape, to get away from everything and everyone because it is all just so unbearably overwhelming, but I do not think about what I would do to end my life, I no longer have details of notes and knowledge of who I would write to planned out in my head.

The guy at work sounds like he could be a good support to you. He has been there and at least has an inklling of what you are going through with your depression - the fact that he was concerned about your self harm can be a good thing, if you let it!

Speak soon lovely xx

[Alstare1974]

Grr my brain won't shut down tonight. And I didn't spend all day asleep.

[Zaf]

Nor mine, had about 3 hours sleep and feel terrible

[Lol]

Cornish your post was important. Glad you said those things. You are aware of yourself and that's major - consider the quote "If I know I'm going crazy I must not be insane". I agree this guy at work is looking out for you and I know there is some one at work who certainly isn't from what you have said in the past. If you can let some one in it might help if you possibly could. I do hope you manage to get your CAT scan etc - it might show that there is nothing getting worse after all and take a bit of pressure off you. It sounds like you are becoming increasingly aware of the different facets of your conditions, this is good. It may be leading to more self harm which is bad, but I'm glad you are seeing your own progress where you can. Well done mate. Lol x

[Depina]

Just to add my well done too Cornish.

You are very good at expressing your feelings

Take Care XX

[Depina]

Zaf,
hope you get some rest and relaxation today.

XX

[Alstare1974]

I'm a mess tonight. Lots of tears and despair feel like the world is ending.

Miss my soon to be ex wife
Miss having my own home
Miss my pets that she's keeping
I just feel like life has no point anymore.

[Munchroom]

Life does have a point  &*( Someone once said to me 'Things don't stay the same for very long' And it is true!!

I know just how awful it is to miss someone - and animals! But this is a stage in your life - you will get through it and you will be all the more stronger for it.

Take care xx

[Lol]

Alstare I am very slightly ahead of you in this journey and I can assure you that you will get through it. Something will give, and it's usually anger. I was exactly where you are, then I started to get angry about the situation and thinking 'wait a god damn minute this isn't fair on ME', now I'm in a very different (all be it still incredibly sad and difficult) place. I can not see my parnter in my partner any more and although it is the saddest thing I have ever seen, it's like breaking up with a stranger! and you don't want to have a relationship with a stranger, you want it with the person you knew and loved. For me that person has left the building. I am still hoping they will return, I'm very loyal like that, but try as I might, I can not see her. We went to our first relate meeting last night and it was like going with a stranger. So was very difficult to work through problems with a stranger and try to see what the problems are with some one you never lived with! One of the most confusing experiences I've ever had! You are currently going through torture of the heart and soul and it's a process. You will get through this and a new phase will begin.Takes time. Please hang in there mate. I can tell you are a good person. There are good things out there for you.

[Munchroom]

lol - I cannot even begin to imagine how hard this situation is for you. Is your girlfriend on any medication/seeing a doctor? (Sorry if you have mentioned this in previous posts... I'm dipping in and out a little at the moment and my memory feels like its shot to pieces  ) Please please take some comfort in the fact that she is behaving like this because of the illness. When I am really bad and feel like everything is overwhelming, I just shut down (not by choice). I can't cry - I can't show emotion or explain how I am feeling, luckily for Chris, this is happening less than it was! But its that awful feeling of just being numb and like you could just sit and stare at a blank wall for hours, its probably some sort of coping mechanism ours bodies automatically throw into place, but that makes it no easier to bear for those around us.

[Munchroom]

I'm just feeling really empty today  So unbelivably tired (not a lot of change there...) but like I just want to escape from all of this.
We ended up having an ok day yesterday - it was lovely to have Chris at home and we popped out and got a few bits and pieces, which was nice - but the cancellation of that appointment has really knocked me down.
I know there is stuff I have to do in the house and garden.... but I have zero motivation. And the washing machine is playing up... so I have that playing on my mind 

[Lol]

thanks SO much Munchroom for that comforting and supportive post. I keep rationalising that in my head but to see her and hear her acting like a complete stranger is AWFUL. I want to ascape. I want to run away and hide. Move country even. Life is unrecognisable and she is unrecognisable which means I am even unrecognisable. I feel very panicky today. Major anxiety. FEel like I could do something stupid like get up, get in my car, drive until I run out of fuel, then set up a new life wherever I end up. Never to return. I know I wont do that because I will never stop loving my partner supressed in a familiar body, but that of a stranger none the less. I will not leave her behind. But she/it wants to elave ME behind. I'm trapped in my own nightmare/prison to whici I hold the kep but wont leave!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She is taking medication which helps with her anxiety and depression now (only in the last month - phew) but makes her numb. She interprets the numbness as having no feelings for me any more. but says this so convincingly that I sometimes BELIEVE her. I don't know if I should??????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????????? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
We were SO happy before her depression but she's even forgotton that!!! 

Munchroom I understand that you feel empty and want to run away. I'm so sorry you feel this way. It;s awful. I'm glad you managed to have a nice day yesterday with Chris - these little treasures are so important. Never mind about the garden. Go up to the washing machine and give it a good thrashing with a rubber glove. That'll teach it. Lol xx

[Zaf]

Down and tired today,  I know why so in a way thats good,  but I wished I coped better with difficult life events better.  On a positive I know I'm better than I was in July so I have to look on the bright side if I can....

[Munchroom]

lol - if she has only started taking meds in the last month she is probably (as I'm sure you are all to aware) still to reach their full benefits and is at the worst time for all of the side effects - i.e. the numbness you describe. There may well be a slow and gradual improvement over the next few weeks. I think it is admirable for you to be standing by her though - I have always been aware of just how awful it must be for our partners through all of this and possibly even harder for them because they are watching this happen to the person they love so much and it must be so incredibly frustrating. I think you are doing amazingly well and I am sure that when she is on the road to recovery she will value your stregnth and patience  :)

Zaf - I'm sorry my lovely, we haven't really 'talked' much of late. Seems like you are having a pretty rough time of it  The fact that you can put your feelings today down to something thats happened is a good thing. Also, hindsight is wonderful!!! We cope with things as we are able to at the time - sometimes its hard to comprehend later on why we did the things we did or made the descions we have done, but at the time it was either right, or it was all we could do. Please try to not beat yourself up over these things - the here and now is what is important  :)

xxx