It was awful. It would have been such a lovely occasion but friends kept saying lovely things to me and made me want to cry all the time! Sounds so stupid. I spent the whole night close to tears and trying to look like I wasn't. I had to go to the loo just to get away from it, but then I didn't want to come out and could have happily dissolved into tears and stay there all night. Its so ridiculous. When I got home I was relieved, but then the next day I was so ashamed of having wasted a social opportunity by feeling so hidious all night that I was depressed and weepy all day. I was supposed to be droppingin on some family at a pub near me for Sunday lunch - another lovely occasion? - but I had to cancel because I couldn't stop crying every time I thouight about seeing their faces. I just want to cry and have somebody understand and want to look after me. I know if I ever let anyone do that I wouldn't let them go and the whole thing would turn into some horrendous horror show of needyness. I considered getting utterly utterly s**t faced but didn't. My cat sat on my lap, gazed and me and purred. That was nice. How pathetic am I!!!!!!!!!! I feel like an utter freak show. I long to feel loved and wanted and cared for. I hate the reality of being a nobody with no one. My life was so full and it's so empty now.
