I know it is really late, and no one is on, but I've felt really strange today. I've felt really guilty, and anxious. I feel like I keep upsetting my friends on here 
. I am a bad person? . I'm pretty scared about Saturday, I have to go to hospital to see a psychiatrist because I scored really high on the questionnaires they sent me before my CBT telephone consultation. I think they need me to stop thinking about death before than can offer me more treatment. But then that horrible voice is bullying me again. The voice has became my whole mind. She won. She tells me I am a fake and that I'm not actually ill. She tells me I won't ever become better, and tells me I shouldn't accept any treatment from anyone. She says I won't be able to cope with being happy and that I will just screw everything up.
I am terrified of getting better, because ill is all I have ever known. I have always been depressed, it's just now, that the pressures of uni have built up my body and mind refused to continue this battle, and now I have to face the full extent of years of sadness.
Is everyone on here excited about getting better? I am absolutely dreading it. I feel like I don't want to get better, because I will lose my identity .
Dont worry about upsetting us, you have certainly said nothing ot upset me.
As for feeling you dont want to get better - if you have been depressed for so long it is likely (as you say) that its all you can remember.
Beating this illness and moving on with your life will not change you into someone else, it will simply unlock emotions and confidence that you cant access right now. Once you have this, it will 'enhance' who you are and give your character more 'range' which will in turn open up a better life for you. Doesnt sound too scary does it?
Dont feel that you are a fake - you are not. If you feel so low, then thats how you feel. There is nothing fake about that. Sometimes the world can make us feel that we dont have the right to feel the way we do (that guy has been through a much tougher time, or she has lost everything and has more reasont to be low..) Never compare your suffering to others - what means the world to you may mean nothing to someone else. Take anway a persons world, and they have nothing
I hope my ramblings make sense. Im back on the morphine and I tend to ramble...
Take care 'supportme' and keep talking to us. You matter to us and we dont think you are fake. :)
