Hello, introducing myself.

[account deleted]

Hello everyone,

Just wanting to say "Hi!".

I've been suffering from depression / social anxiety for some time now. It's cyclical sometimes, I can deal with it okay. Sometimes it's in the driving seat.
I'm 35. Don't have many friends, not for the want of trying though. I don't really have any close friends I can talk to.
I'm married, got three lovely little imps.
Whenever I try to talk about this with my wife, we end up fighting. It's easier to bottle it up.

It does affect my work, my mind wanders off task and I end up stuck in a rut. Wishing someone would call, e-mail, text anything, show some interest...

I don't want to self harm. But I do think EVERYONE would be better off without me. So, if I feel alone, I might as well be alone etc... but couldn't do that to the kids. And anyway, that would be counter-productive. I haven't lost my mind.

I've been having some counselling but I'm down to my last alloted session, then I'm on my own.... I'm worried about that.

Anyway, seems weird to say, "Hi" and then dump all my anxt on you guys. Sorry.

[lightenup]

Hi Guitarman a big !"£ to the forum, nothing weird about coming on here and telling how it is!  You recognise your not well and have you told your consellor how you are, sorry think you may need a little more support.  It is very difficult for our partners to understand, nothng broken on the outside so hard to deal with.  Personally depression is not like some virus or bug that goes away in a few weeks  "£$ and we all wish it was so simple.

Your wife is probably also feeling tired with you 3 little kids, and she is probably stressed too.  Poor concentration is also a park of this damed animal, and no your not losing your mind you just need to give it a little time to heal   I am glad you think of your kiddies when things are so low and always keep nice pictures of them when you have these feelings I know this has kept me going in these dark times.  Please keep posting as this forum helps in showing you and others are not alone and we try and help each other out. Take care

[account deleted]

Thanks for taking the time to reply to me, it is appreciated.
I'll let you know how I get on..

[Ezel]

 (*(

[account deleted]

Hello there again,

So today was my last appointment with the counselling.
I was feeling pretty low, before I went in and I could feel myself sinking deeper down for the first 10 minutes as it was explained to me that this was the last session, and that there won't be anymore. They could try for a referral but that would take 3 - 6 months etc... I was then told I might as well go private.

Oh Joy!

Anyway, some good did come from it as we managed to focus in a little on what the problem is.
Basically I have attachment issues. Probably from some of my childhood circumstances which I won't go into here just yet. But it means that I am constantly looking for reassurance from others that I am okay. This is why it only takes a friendly word, a hug, a text or an email and I'm fine again. But it wears off quick and I'm wondering why folk are staying away. Is it me? Must be. I must be so unpopular.

It's horrible. It's emotional and I feel so isolated. I just keep telling myself that's it's just my perception and it's not how it is.

Anyway, I think she's right - this is me. I'm not always like this. Just certain periods when I'm blue this rears it's head.

The counsellor, did say that CBT wasn't right for me and that I should go private and she can recommend someone... I'm trying not to be sceptical!

So, I've been cut loose! Until she sends me the details. I've been relatively okay today. I'm almost proud of myself... been quite busy at work. and only 'zombied' out a few times.

Oh well. Thanks for listening.
 :)

[Griffin]

Hi,

Sounds like you giving a lot to life by supporting your family....thats really something to be proud of mate!

[bel]

Hi Guitarman,
Welcome to the forum. Hope it helps you. Low self esteem is a big problem for us who get depressed. Sounds like your managing to focus on the positive too so well done for that.
Best wishes, bel

[AliMcBeer]

Hey Guitarman! just wanted to say !"£ and i know a bit of how u feel with the reassurances, i can be like that sometimes, i think for me its the understanding im looking for, to be able to talk to someone who understands what your going through, and reassure me im not mad! My husband has never suffered with anything like this and sometimes i feel he doesnt ''get it'' so i dont really talk to him about it any more. When i had a really awful day last week, i panicked cos the feelings i had actually scared me, first person i wanted to talk to was my close friend who has been there done that, and she calmed me down. Do u have any friends or family that have depression? sometimes its easier to talk to someone whose not as close and involved as your wife is.
I have found the advice and support on here helps too, i know im not alone really, although it can feel that way at times.
big hugs to you!!  Ali  )-_

[account deleted]

Hi all,
Many thanks for your replies.
I've been doing a bit of research, my last session with the counsellor pointed me in the right direction 'attachment theory'. Basically I'm what you would call, "Anxious-preoccupied", the description of my feelings and behaviour fits, perfectly. I've found flow charts etc...

I actually feel quite a lot better, knowing this, it will help me identify if I'm being irrational or my perception is wrong.

Bel, I always try to focus on the positives, sometimes it's too much, but most of the time I can. It's hard, it feels like a fight, but I have to try, I don't give in easily.

Ali, no, I don't have any friends or family I can talk to about this - not properly. My parents and siblings have enough trouble of their own at the moment and they need me. I couldn't burden them with my problems. Friends, I have a friend of my wife's who suffered post-natal depression and we talk sometimes. That is nice. To be honest, all it takes is a kind word, a hug, an email and a text and I forget my worries. Unfortunately, the nature of it is that I 'forget' pretty quick and then start needing that reassurance all over again... but now I'm armed with that knowledge!!  :)

I did try telling one of my other friends and was first told, that I should NOT talk about this kind of stuff with my mates. That really hurt, so I left it. In time I tried again, deciding that if they were a true friend they would listen. They have. I know it makes them uncomfortable, so I won't speak about it often, but it's good to know that they care in their own way.

I can't really talk about it with my wife. I do though, but she really doesn't get it and ends up being aggressive, which to be honest only makes the problem worse. I don't blame her for that though. We have 3 nippers and they demand enough of our attention, she needs me to be strong. So, I prefer not to mention it at home.

Anyway, I believe in me and I believe I can get the better of this and so I will.

Thanks all for listening.