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[lostmyway]

Hi

Just letting everybody know how things are. Sadly, they are no better; my 80 something mother drives me nuts, I have no real friends or job (still) and feel I have reached the end of my tether; it feels real this time, not just metaphorically.  I am tired of trying and nothing leads to anything, over and over again, who in their right mind could tolerate such a situation?   I am not a young guy either, so it actually feels worse.  I can feel the symptoms getting worse: the stress levels, the anxiety, the depression...  It's because the triggers are still there that set it off.  I realise that none of this is new, so I have to deal with it, one way or the other... the problem is, I don't know how to.

[Amanda_George]

You did the right thing by reaching out, Lost.  I'm so sorry you're going through a rough time right now.  Do you trust your GP?  Do you have a CPN or psychologist you can make an appointment to go and see?  They really can help if you let them know you need their support and your GP might have ideas for ways to support you and your mum... could you ask about getting a carer in for her or anything like that maybe?  You need support and it sounds like you've been left in the lurch unfortunately.

[Pip]

lostmyway, it is no surprise that you are at the end of your tether and just becasue it's still the same things that are dragging you down doesn't mean you don't deserve the same support as other people.  I went 23 years of silence as I didn't understand I was suffering with severe depression - I suffered with depression from about 12 - 13 years old but didn't realize I did.  Fifteen years ago I completely broke down but did the right thing of going to my GP after a friend urged me to go.  Although I have learned coping mechanisms I still have my bad periods but fortunately I have friends I can reach out to that have had similar life experiences to me.  It's okay to reach out at times although it may help to post more often, we are here to be supportive.

[lostmyway]

@Amanda_George

Firstly, it's not really talk therapy, CBT and so on that I truly need, it is a job and independence and a need for personal space and privacy which all of that can bring, and obviously some kinda place of my own.  Since my 20s I feel that I have just meandered throughout life, which sounds vague and just a generalised statement; now it is feeling that is all too late to do anything about it, I have missed the boat.  I refuse to believe however, that it's all my fault, as that logical statement doesn't make any sense.

@Pip

Sorry that you have been through all of that in your life.  I don't have all that many people in my life that I can relate to, is just a fact of life.  I could try my mother, but she doesn't really understand depression and things of that nature, even though she does try to , I will giver her that.  I had a relapse around 19, and it has been coming back since then.  I feel all there is are barriers preventing me from doing the right things to progress in life and be successful.  I know that this sounds a bit like a rant, but this is how it is as I see it.  Everything (well, almost) revolves around the necessity of having an income to do things, and I guess that has somehow prevented me from doing so.  It's not that much better now either. I will try to send more updates and post more... regards.

[Amanda_George]

@Amanda_George

Firstly, it's not really talk therapy, CBT and so on that I truly need, it is a job and independence and a need for personal space and privacy which all of that can bring, and obviously some kinda place of my own.  Since my 20s I feel that I have just meandered throughout life, which sounds vague and just a generalised statement; now it is feeling that is all too late to do anything about it, I have missed the boat.  I refuse to believe however, that it's all my fault, as that logical statement doesn't make any sense.

How about taking some online courses in things your passionate about?  It'll show potential future employers that you are looking to keep up with current trends and stuff.  There are a few free courses on OpenLearn from the Open University and there's Alison which gives you taster courses for free that you could put on your CV.

What sort of jobs are you applying for?  Is it something you can do online and put on a webpage or anything like that?  Something you can do with no pressure, but when the dreaded interview question ("what have you been doing since you left your last job?") comes up, you can say "I've learnt how to create homepages, you can see mine at abc.xyz and I've been taking online courses to keep my knowledge up to date" etc etc which will hopefully create a better impression than saying you've been too ill to work or whatever.  By all means say that you've been ill but say that you're fully recovered now and eager to get back into the workforce, then you can produce the URL with your courses you've taken.

How would you feel about volunteering in your local community for a few days a week?  That looks good in interviews too.  Be really positive but totally honest, just try and focus on the positive things you've done to overcome the not so positive things you've been and are currently going through.  Turn their negativity into the positive things you've achieved.

I haven't worked in over 20 years but I've got 60 courses that I've taken and books I've written as well as 3 websites I've learnt to code by hand that I can talk about when they bring up my 20 years of unemployment.  One of the courses I've taken is about CV writing and interview techniques that might help you too?

It's never too late until you take your final breath, you just need to learn to rephrase questions from interviewers   

[lostmyway]

I appreciate your positivity, that's a good thing.  The past 6 years have been very difficult, so it isn't really surprising I am where I am now. I could also look into the OpenLearn thing, as those courses don't cost anything.  Volunteering is an option, but I would rather be working in a paid job - IT isn't an easy area to get volunteering experience, as I have already looked into that sometime ago.  Also, interviews are indeed a bane of my life at times, but I am not the only one.

As for being ill, sadly that is true... it has made me quite sick and tired of a lot of things.  Unemployment makes you feel useless and broken, and all the side-effects of that come along with being in the situation; you get tired of trying and doing the same round-and-around silly, pointless activities, until you just stop altogether and say "to hell with it".

[Pip]

Sadly being unemployed makes life very difficult, apart from anything else the lack of a living wage makes life hard as you're restricted financially to do much.  This Universal Credit is a minefield in itself.  My sister was a manager for the DWP until the end of November last year when she chose to retire - my sister is 60 anyway.  She really didn't want to have to learn about Universal Credit which she believes can be a good thing but it's also a problem for people who are addicts, older people, those with disabilities etc   

Both my husband and I are both disabled, he claims ESA (support group), PIP and Motability, I get PIP and Motability in my own right.  We don't have the stress of searching for work which is good really despite living with disabilities and financially we can cope.  We are virtually unemployable due to one disablity - osteoarthritis - and my age is another factor as I am 57 which is wrong but it is a real discrimination.  The Job Centre and DWP know we volunteer and don't have a problem with it as they see it as working for our benefits and know our limits.  We are the fortunate ones as we don't have to worry about money.

In your situation it's completely different and equally important you do actually want to work.  It's easy for someone like me to say that your chance of employment will come but it doesn't work like that in real life.
 

[lostmyway]

No, it doesn't work like that in real life.  I thought the desire to do something different for a change, would bring about a new opportunity and future. So far, that hasn't been the case. Money is a problem, but the boredom dulls my brain to such an extent... I don't know how other people cope with it.  I would love to say that social mobility exists for 99 percent of the population, but I think it is an urban myth for the most part.   A few will make it, I am sure that's the case.  Personally, I have found it very tough going, I don't see a way out of this minefield of self-doubt and despairing right now... I am trying to find an answer but most of the time all I get is a blank.

[Amanda_George]

What in particular holds your interest in the IT field?  Could you create a website offering your services freelance initially maybe?  When I first moved to Gloucester I sorted out my CV and contacted temping agencies so that I would have a semi-regular income and the agency found jobs for me while I was looking for something permanent.  That's how I got my permanent admin job before I suddenly became physically ill for some reason and lost the job... is there anything similar you can do local to you?  Maybe search for temping agencies in your area then make a list of all the addresses, polish up your CV, print out enough copies for all of the temping agencies and a few more spares then get dressed smartly and head out confident that you'll soon get a job (even if that's not how you feel). 

Look at your list of temping agencies and work your way through them one by one, just letting them know that you're available for work if they need you then leave your CV with them.  Be as positive and upbeat as you can then treat yourself to a healthy lunch in your favourite place and get ready to go around all the businesses that you can find and ask to speak to their HR department in the afternoon, leave your CV with them, smile, shake their hand and leave.

Set aside a week to do that with all the temping agencies and businesses in your area and do your best to be the confident, friendly person of their dreams that they don't even know they need yet.

You can do it Lost!

[Pip]

It's worth going to the Job Centre and asking for an appointment about potentially starting up your own business, check out this information https://www.gov.uk/moving-from-benefits-to-work/starting-your-own-business.  You may be entitled to New Enterprise Allowance which, if you are eligible, which can help with having a mentor and potentially grants.  An added bonus is you can work from home.

[Amanda_George]

You've got nothing to lose by asking and potentially your own business with your own hours doing what you enjoy most to gain!   

[lostmyway]

Starting my own business? like what exactly? Going round businesses with CVs is an approach of years gone by, most send CVs by email and registering on websites.  You honestly think I am feeling confident right now? As for working from home, I am tired of being at home - you gotta be kidding, surely? Agencies around here mostly are warehouse/factory/admin/ etc.  I should know, I live here.  I'm at a lower ebb than most realise, only I hide it fairly well IRL.

[Amanda_George]

Which part of IT interests you most?  Is it programming or website creation like my hubby, or building computers or supporting software issues or teaching people to use computers or something else?  Do you have transport you could use to visit people in their home or at their workplace for the teaching or something like that?  Is there like a local newspaper or even newsletter you could advertise your services and abilities in?  Maybe go to the agencies and offer your IT experience to the places that are already advertising their jobs with each agency - offer your services in things they don't even know they need yet... like with my childcare job?

The handing out CV's in person is another one I suggested from experience - I gave my CV to a shopper's creche even though they weren't looking for staff and within a week I had an interview with them and a fortnight later I was wearing the uniform and getting to know the names of the regular children and staff.  They wouldn't have known even my name without me taking the bull by the horns and just asking them to consider me whenever they needed help   

The small businesses in your area might not have an email address or website so they wouldn't be able to accept CVs submitted by email but they might still be looking for staff.  Yes, many places do request email submission, but smaller businesses may not have a clue how to use their computers, which is where you come in with your printed CV   

[lostmyway]

I am not that sure now, mostly networking.  Programming isn't really my thing, although I know some coding.  I have a car, even though it is pretty old now; my problem is that I have very little commercial experience in this sector and his been a problem since the beginning.   It's a tough area to get into and at this juncture, I may think about going back into warehousing (which I hate).  It has really been getting me down like hell lately, but it seems to be beyond my control right now.   

The bottom line is... if you don't have commercial experience, you are knackered.

[Amanda_George]

Is there any way you can find out which small to medium-sized businesses in your area are expanding and need a bit of help with the techy side of things?  Is there like a local paper or newsletter you can look at to do some research on?  Maybe your local library could help you by letting you offer your services via a poster on their noticeboard or business cards for people to take with them for free to smaller local business that don't have the foggiest about anything to do with computers?  Is there any way you can go down smaller streets or to schools, colleges and universities during school half terms to bring them into the 21st century.

I understand that you are looking for something permanent, but being willing to work at short notice or only during certain dates/times might lead to them going "maybe we need someone more permanent..." and their first thought will be towards people they already have experience of their abilities and know that you're reliable, capable, honest and trustworthy so they don't need to jump through hoops to advertise the job they didn't even know existed before you came onto the scene.

Every one of my jobs since leaving school have either been temp jobs/work experience that have become permanent or me dropping off my CV and saying "if you need anyone, the details are at the top of my CV and I'm available whenever you need me" - although they haven't been advertised as permy but after a couple of weeks of me being on the team and proving how indespensable I am to then, my boss went to her boss and convinced him who went to HR who discussed it and in the last couple of days of the temp assignment, my boss asked to have a private word with me, we walked into an empty office and she offered me the job unofficially and the contract was on my keyboard by the next morning.  Every time.

Don't rule anything out just because it's not what you're aiming for - if you are the right fit for the company, the right job will turn up when you least expect it