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[lostmyway]

I won't be coming off the Escitalopram just yet.  I think all of this answers why I am not actively seeking jobs right now, it would make a whole lot of sense to me.

[Amanda_George]

You are so right, Lost!  How about volunteering for one day a week or something?  Do you have any mental health groups in your area that you could go to or anything like that?  Just something to maybe start to give you a bit of a routine?  Something to look forward to?  Maybe ask your GP or something like that?

[lostmyway]

There was one that was a charity involving woodwork... another was doing up bicycles, not really my thing tbh

[Amanda_George]

What sort of things do you enjoy?  Don't think about jobs or volunteering yet, just things that you enjoy doing.  Are you creative?  Sporty?  Techy?  Scientific?  Who do you enjoy communicating with - babies?  Children?  Teens?  Adults?  Elderly?  Animals?  Can you drive and if so, do you enjoy it?  What were you studying with the OU?  Did you enjoy that?  Is there anything you've always wanted to try, even if only once?  Bungee jumping?  Scuba diving?  Do you enjoy puzzles?  Reading?  Exploring?  Technology?  Look inside yourself for the answers - they should be what you genuinely enjoy or want to try even just once.

[lostmyway]

Computing and IT was what I studied with the OU, so technology would be an interest.  I do drive, however the traffic thesedays lessens the enjoyment of it to some extent.  I do like walking in country parks, city parks and so on.  I do like sports but I wasn't that good at them as a kid, and computer games and so on.  Films as well, maybe photography? 

[Amanda_George]

Do you know how to create webpages or make Windows/Apple apps?  Is that the sort of thing you were taught at the OU or something different?  How would you feel about volunteering your knowledge at your local library once a week, teaching people how to use computers or helping them to build their confidence if they already know the basics? 

How would you feel about volunteering to walk dogs for local people who can't walk their dogs every day?  I'm just thinking that you would get to enjoy the parks while also helping local residents to look after their dog without all the responsibility of owning one. 

What about finding somewhere that you can participate in sport without being overly competitive so that you can rediscover the joy of sport that you lost as a kid? 

What sort of computer games do you enjoy?  Are they online games or installed on your computer only?  Maybe think about setting up/joining a computer games club so that you can either play against or with others who like the games you do?

What sort of films do you enjoy?  Are they purely for enjoyment or would you feel able to review them after you've seen them?  Same with the photography... take yourself somewhere you've never been once a week and take loads of photo's then download them onto your machine and create a photobook that you can look back on at the end of the year.

Challenge yourself to try something totally new to you every three months - no negativity allowed, just an open mind that you'll give it your best for three months and take it from there.

Experimenting is your friend... you won't enjoy it all, but you'll never know if you don't at least give it a decent chance   

[Pip]

Sorry for back tracking to the GP's suggesting you go out for a walk but it isn't such a stupid suggestion.  The reason for this suggestion is probably by getting out and exercising can help along with meds - or going for a swim, well any form of exercise as it releases good endorphins.  I know I feel better for getting exercise such as walking and swim, we go to the gym as well.

[lostmyway]

Yes true, but I already knew that.  It can help but you'd think they could come with something else for a change.  That's the symptoms. not the we underlying problems really causing it all.

[Amanda_George]

I've walked 652 steps so far today because I've just got back from walking our senior pup.

Before I went, I was feeling cream crackered, low, very little motivation, absolutely no energy at all, but I knew that exercising a dog is a part of responsible dog ownership (along with bagging and binning their poo, feeding and watering them, keeping them healthy etc etc) so I forced myself to get her harness and take her for a short walk.

400% later (about 20 minutes ish) and I'm feeling so much better.  I'm wide awake, my mood has improved, I've got more energy and motivation.  Yes, my legs are killing me right now and it's not safe for me to walk very far for the rest of the day (living room to the bathroom and back is the absolute maximum) but my morning stroll with the pup does wonders for me as well as helping me to lose weight and improve my physical disability/strength in my legs.

It took a couple of weeks to get into the habit of taking her out every morning, in all weathers, but just a 20 minute walk a day really does lift my mood.

It's just the starting that's the hardest part and you don't even need to break a sweat if you don't want to, but those 20 minutes and 100 metres is what I need to get me going every day.

When you very first start the walking it'll be really tough going, just 'cos you're not used to it yet.  If you can force yourself to walk even 5 metres outside your house every day then the endorphins will start to wake up and improve your mood.  It's easy and free if you can find the motivation to get started.  If you've got a friend or relative who can walk with you then that'll hopefully give you the daily motivation you need.  Maybe you could explore your local area?  I've lived here just over 20 years and still don't know all the streets leading off the road opposite me!

Have you got a park near you or anything like that?  Maybe take me on a trip there and take loads of photo's so that I can experience it at a distance too?

How about a petrol station or corner shop or whatever?  Challenge yourself to walk there and treat yourself to a packet of crisps or bar of chocolate or can of pop or bottle of fruit juice or whatever that you can enjoy on your way back home.

I'm not asking you to do something I haven't already done myself, that's why I said about starting at 5 metres 'cos that's what I did but I'm happy with 25 metres a day with our pup now and this morning we did 100 metres through my senior pup's choice.

Start really really slowly and reward yourself when you achieve it!

You can do this, Lost, and I'll be with you every step of the way, nagging you to keep on keeping on!   

[lostmyway]

The weird thing is I can walk but for some reason have a mental block telling me (or discouraging me) not to.  Probably depression telling me not to, or something idk.  Also I don't have others telling me IRL to pull my finger out!  There is a local park in this town but I live on the other side of it, that may be okay for me to do that.  I could just walk the local roads near to where I live, which I have done sometimes.  I could join a gym; the last time I did though it only lasted 2-3 months or so and got rather bored of it.

PS the B12 spray arrived yesterday.

[Amanda_George]

That's why I'm suggesting just short walks initially... just get into a routine of getting out of the house and just walk for a few minutes then ever so slowly increase it.  You don't have to walk far, just get out of the house and get into the routine of just going for a stroll around your very local area - just around the block or whatever, then come home, curl up in bed and cry or punch a pillow or watch a film or listen to your favourite radio station or whatever.  Just get out of the house for a few minutes every day then come home and carry on doing whatever you feel up to doing. 

Make them small challenges and make them doable, but slightly challenging so that you can reward yourself when you achieve it.  I'm challenging myself to walk 400% with the pup three times this week... we've already done it once this week and it's only Monday, so we came home and had cake for breakfast as our reward.

Other than when I first came out of hospital, to re-build my leg muscles, I've never been to a gym in my life so you're one step ahead of me there!

I hope the B12 spray is as useful to you as it is to me!  Make an appointment with your GP to ask about getting your vitamin D and B12 levels checked before you use it though, so that it doesn't give the wrong result.  It's just a quick blood test then you can spray it as soon as the needle comes out of your arm if you want to but if you use it before the test then it might come back with a false normal and you prolly won't be able to convince your GP to test it again.

You're doing the right things, Lost, just keep on keeping on as best you can!

[lostmyway]

I also have an app that tells me how many steps I have done in a day called footsteps (pedometer).  I normally watch sitcoms on YouTube, or anything else of interest to distract myself, but I shouldn't do that for too long in a day as it's detrimental.

Not sure what else I can do;  I don't always sleep well and get up at a normal time - probably due to inactivity I guess. 

[Amanda_George]

Do you have a favourite sitcom on YouTube?  Is it just individual episodes or whole series?  Maybe use them as your reward for walking around the block every day?  Sort of wake up, have breakfast, walk around the block then treat yourself to an episode of your favourite sitcom?  Chocolate was my treat while I got into the new routine and forced myself out of the door each morning so that I could have a multipack of chocolate all to myself.

Give it a go for 2 weeks just to force yourself into a new routine.  It doesn't need to be far to start with, you just need to get used to a new routine is all.

The exercise will help with your sleeping too... you will be using more energy than normal so you'll need more sleep and because you are increasing your activity levels your body will welcome the sleep.

You can do it Lost, just take it very slowly and don't push yourself too far too fast.  It's good to push yourself occasionally but your first step should be to re-educate your body to get into a new routine which'll take about 2 weeks of doing it every day.

[lostmyway]

I am put myself forward for doing CBT, I am not sure whether it's good or not but it might be.  I went to a workzone not that far away from here and they said there was a gatehouse security job going about 10 miles away from where I live. To be honest I am not sure, but I said would go tomorrow to see what it's all about - my hopes aren't sky high or anything, I'll see what happens.

Today I have been LOW in mood and anxiety was terrible.  I went to the pub this afternoon for food/drink and totally lost my concentration as I was talking about my mother about my ass-like brother.  Then I smashed the steering wheel with my right hand in frustration upsetting my mother... it left me in a fragile state all afternoon, now I am having anxiety about going to this place tomorrow.  4 years of hard work and study to do this? a bit of a pathetic joke.

I am feeling the fear and doing it anyway, but god it's not fun.  When do I get respite from this cr*p?

[Amanda_George]

I'm so proud of you for putting yourself forward for the CBT and going for this job interview today, Lost.  I know it's not the job you want or have studied so hard for, but getting the job would mean you could put it on your CV and may open other doors for you too, to the job that you *do* want within the company!

I'm sorry you had such a bad day yesterday, but every day is the start of a fresh, new 24 hours and it can be so much better for you.  I hope you get the job, or at least a second interview... you can do this, Lost... give it your best shot and take it from there!