Heading the wrong way? It seems to be getting dark

[blockdata]

Hi everyone!

Not sure how to start, but here goes!

I am a final year student, prob best described as a c grade student, nothing special. When I was younger I used to be happy, fairly popular, I would also have a friend or someone to see everyday. This was some time ago, when I was 18, I am now 26.

As I said I am in uni, and for some reason, I have become socially awkward. I try to talk to people, but seems whenever I join a group who I know thru uni or work, the group go quiet, as if they are either talking about me, or they dislike my presents so much they want me to leave, they kinda of thing happens at my work also, I am a door supervisor and I work some of the local gay venues, and the dynamic in the venues I work in seem very close knit, it felt almost like I was the new kid in school trying to get into a group of friends, I felt that my efforts to talk to some members of staff as frosty, some would not even reply when I would say hello or try and make small talk, at first I though they might have been uncomfortable with the fact that I was a straight doorman and maybe I was the stereo typical homophobic macho idiot type, and if so that was fine, and it was just work. We have since had more new straight guys start and they seem to fall right into the group and even get hugs and whatever even after the 2nd shifts working, where after me working or over 3 months I dont even get a reply to my goodbyes at the end of a shift.

It has got to a point where I will it is pointless even having a phone, or an email account, the closest I feel to people at the moment is reading the facebook statuses. I was invited to the staff xmas party but declined as I knew I would have not had anyone to talk to, plus drinking in my current frame of mind would be a bad idea.

It is strange to have such a lonely feeling, whenever I walk around, go shopping or go to work, I feel like am more of a viewer of other people then a person, like I am not even in the room, its hard to describe.

Worst part of my day is going to sleep, I find it harder and harder to get sleep and I am just left with my thoughts of how pointless my life is. I even had ideas of I wish I could give my body, which as far as I know is healthy, to somebody who's body is crapping out on them, but has a point to their life.

I also havent had a relastionship in 3 years or so, It has got to the point where I dont try to talk to people because I see they aint going to be interested, in being a friend or anything else, its like I have a 100% fail rate in talking to people.

There has also been points where I have got really angry, where I want to perform a really violent act to myself, like drive my car at 100mph in to a wall, or hit myself in the face with a hammer, I do not self harm, and I dont fell suicidal, but at the sametime if someone came into my room with a gun, I wouldnt put up a fight to stop them shooting me. I also feel that if I was to die right this second, noone would notice. Except my housemates, but only because of the smell, or the fact that my share of the rent hasnt been paid.

Sorry I will stop now!

[junior]

Hi blockdata, I know how you feel and wish I had the words to make you and me feel better but I dont, I can say and know that for me things could always be worse in many ways, all we can do is fight on.
Have you talked with you doctor? They can help if you are willing to help yourself.
Welcome to the forum.
Junior

[bel]

Hi blockdata.

Welcome to the forum. Sorry to hear you're in a bad place. I've also had times when I'm sure no-one likes me, and wonder why I bother, still do sometimes, but when I was younger it was nearly all the time, just as you describe. Not that I have a wonderful answer for you I'm afraid! Could it be that you are giving off unfriendly/unapproachable vibes? I'm sure you don't mean to, but perhaps your lack of self-belief gives people the message that they should keep away from you, or that you don't really want to talk to them. I'm really not trying to hurt you, I just know that that was a lot of my problem, and wonder if the idea could be relevant to you.

You didn't mention what else you do, apart from work and study. Do you have an interest you could share with others where you don't "make conversation", just talk about whatever you're doing? Although of course joining a group is the hardest thing when you feel down, so maybe that's a stupid idea!

It's so hard isn't it. Try to keep being friendly to people around you, even just saying a nice hello to shop assistants can help you to feel you are still part of the human race. And keep posting on here if it helps.

best wishes, bel

[SocialServicesFighter]

My friend, reading your post reminds me of myself: Quiet (ish) and comfortable within yourself.
YOU know YOUR thoughts and you carry on doing your 'thang' as normal (normal to you that is).

Thing is, other people see this behaviour (from the outside) as secretive and overly quiet, even moody or at times oppressive and defensive.


Try to be more 'approachable' (or 'open') and assertive.
Not to the point of being letchy obviously, but make more eye contact and, quite literally, smile more while doing so.

[blockdata]

Hi Guys!

Thank you for your helpful words, you have given me food for thought, also a nice sense of not quite being alone!

Bel you mention I havent spoke about what I do other then work and study, sadly that is all I seem to do, which makes me think that is the problem. I have never been able to keep my face from showing my emotions, not even when I was young, and I guess because I have not been this unhappy before I cant "act happy" like I thought I could.

Since my last post I have decided to leave my job, I will work the xmas new year period and give my notice, I am in the fortunate position being a student with student loans and such that will some careful money management I can do it and not end up on the street.

I am going to focus on uni work and going to the gym, I hear exercise is good for uplifting moods, and maybe when the dark months are over I will have a six pac and my smile back!

I have also go talking to a guy about getting a bad together, which if goes well will be a good focus!

Thanks guys

You rock!

[bel]

Hi!

I totally understand about not being able to put on a "face" - I've never been able to do it either.
That's a brave decision to give up your job, but it sounds like it could be good for you - good luck!
Gym and band sound good too. Great stuff! 
Keep letting us know how it all goes for you.

[blockdata]

Hey Guys,

A quick update, turns out there is a staff party happening either monday or wednesday, and I havent been invited! Certainly took the guilt of leaving away! I am sure I have made the rigth choice here.

[chunkabutt]

Hi blockdata I am glad you took not being invited to the staff party as a positive instead of a negitive, and I would also say that it proves that they are not worth worrying over, the problem with depression is nobody outside of the sufferer has any time or patience for you and it shows so much more in the workplace but thats all it is a workplace and never forget that, eb as happy as you can with yourself because you are the most important person not them and there wee workplace clicks.
Gary

[Becky83]

Hi blockdata I just wanted to say that, being a c grade student at University level is ABOVE the national average. So you shouldn't say you are "nothing special". The fact that you are at University and trying to make your life better and achieve something is admirable and you should feel proud for doing it. University is stressful and hard work and it takes lots of careful planning, dedication and a strong will to carry on under increasing work loads and pressure. I know I have been there!
  Add on the fact that work is stressing you out and people generally being unfriendly...well I think you have done very well. I have known many students who have not worked whilst at University cave under the pressure in their first year and give up. So good on you.

Another thing to bear.sp? in mind is that University is so study intensive that its easy to become a little socially awkward as you say. By being at University your vocabulary is increasing and you sentence structures becoming more dynamic that although you feel no different. When you try to speak to someone who isn't University based such as someone from School or college who has gone to try work placements or start a job fresh from school. There are going to be some difficulties. I am not trying to be horrible about people that don't go to University, I am just pointing out the difference. It would be like you trying to converse with someone who was doing a PHD in Astrophysics...you might find speaking with them a little taxing. Perhaps you might even find them standoffish etc. But only because there way of thinking and talking is probably slightly different to your own.  It has nothing to do with intelligence but when you surround yourself with something completely foreign to other people and it becomes your life for  over three years, it would be hard not to appear a little different from other people. Perhaps this was one of the issues at work? (And yes I am only hypothesizing)

Another thing that can happen is that because you work and do university, perhaps the time spent making friends and socializing is not working as your time is being divided. The work colleagues can never fully get to know you because you are part-time and your Uni friends can never fully socialize with you because you work. Perhaps that will change when you focus solely on Uni.

You say it has gotten to the point where you feel it is pointless to have an email account or face book. If it makes you feel any better the only reason really I have email or FB is because of family. And its the way that I communicate. Apart from that I hardly talk to anyone on FB. And yes it is lonely. Its hard to make friends when everyone is so busy. And although you walk around and see people smiling and chatting and out together for drinks. The reality is that they probably haven't met in weeks and are catching up.

Although it is hard and you feel like your life is not worth anything, don't think like that. One day, sometime it will happen and you will meet people and things will change. Perhaps you can join groups that interest you. What are your interests? Any sports? Music etc. You say you like the gym. You could try a running club, or a class that gets to know people. Even being on here? You could talk to other members in your area that perhaps feel the same way as you. Free dating websites (yes I know it sounds silly) are actually good ways to meet people who are like minded and can be friends.

"I also haven't had a relationship in 3 years or so, It has got to the point where I don't try to talk to people because I see they aint going to be interested, in being a friend or anything else, its like I have a 100% fail rate in talking to people." I am the same, although my reasons are that I am not 100% depression free and I don't think it is fair to subject my days/months of comatose like living to someone else.

"There has also been points where I have got really angry, where I want to perform a really violent act to myself, like drive my car at 100mph in to a wall, or hit myself in the face with a hammer, I do not self harm, and I don't fell suicidal, but at the same time if someone came into my room with a gun, I wouldn't put up a fight to stop them shooting me. I also feel that if I was to die right this second, no-one would notice. Except my housemates, but only because of the smell, or the fact that my share of the rent hasn't been paid."

Do you not talk to your housemates? Are they too busy or just standoffish?

"Sorry I will stop now!" Don't apologize and you must carry on speaking if you feel you need to as this is what this website is for! I wish you well and although it probably isn't much, you will make lots of friends on here.