Hi everyone!
Not sure how to start, but here goes!
I am a final year student, prob best described as a c grade student, nothing special. When I was younger I used to be happy, fairly popular, I would also have a friend or someone to see everyday. This was some time ago, when I was 18, I am now 26.
As I said I am in uni, and for some reason, I have become socially awkward. I try to talk to people, but seems whenever I join a group who I know thru uni or work, the group go quiet, as if they are either talking about me, or they dislike my presents so much they want me to leave, they kinda of thing happens at my work also, I am a door supervisor and I work some of the local gay venues, and the dynamic in the venues I work in seem very close knit, it felt almost like I was the new kid in school trying to get into a group of friends, I felt that my efforts to talk to some members of staff as frosty, some would not even reply when I would say hello or try and make small talk, at first I though they might have been uncomfortable with the fact that I was a straight doorman and maybe I was the stereo typical homophobic macho idiot type, and if so that was fine, and it was just work. We have since had more new straight guys start and they seem to fall right into the group and even get hugs and whatever even after the 2nd shifts working, where after me working or over 3 months I dont even get a reply to my goodbyes at the end of a shift.
It has got to a point where I will it is pointless even having a phone, or an email account, the closest I feel to people at the moment is reading the facebook statuses. I was invited to the staff xmas party but declined as I knew I would have not had anyone to talk to, plus drinking in my current frame of mind would be a bad idea.
It is strange to have such a lonely feeling, whenever I walk around, go shopping or go to work, I feel like am more of a viewer of other people then a person, like I am not even in the room, its hard to describe.
Worst part of my day is going to sleep, I find it harder and harder to get sleep and I am just left with my thoughts of how pointless my life is. I even had ideas of I wish I could give my body, which as far as I know is healthy, to somebody who's body is crapping out on them, but has a point to their life.
I also havent had a relastionship in 3 years or so, It has got to the point where I dont try to talk to people because I see they aint going to be interested, in being a friend or anything else, its like I have a 100% fail rate in talking to people.
There has also been points where I have got really angry, where I want to perform a really violent act to myself, like drive my car at 100mph in to a wall, or hit myself in the face with a hammer, I do not self harm, and I dont fell suicidal, but at the sametime if someone came into my room with a gun, I wouldnt put up a fight to stop them shooting me. I also feel that if I was to die right this second, noone would notice. Except my housemates, but only because of the smell, or the fact that my share of the rent hasnt been paid.
Sorry I will stop now!