Hi,
I've been diagnosed with depression, but for a while I've had a feeling there is something else going on.
I've had episodes of low mood/depression since being a teenager, but a few years ago I started to develop other symptoms too. At the time I put it down to being physically unwell (I was very ill for a year before being diagnosed with coeliac disease). I've in the past been a shy but quite independent person, but suddenly I wanted reassurance for absolutely everything. My moods would cycle really rapidly from euphoria to absolute despair (and I'm talking within an hour). My self-esteem was at absolute rock bottom, and I wanted people to tell me how brilliant I was all the time, and didn't make any decisions without asking other people.
My relationship suffered as a result too. Before these symptoms started, I had been with my boyfriend for over 4 years, but I suddenly began to feel angry with him all the time. Why wasn't he making more time for me? Why wasn't he replying instantly to my texts. I would shout and scream at him and tell him I hated him, then regret it instantly and be desperate at the thought that he might leave me. Once when I thought he might, I fell to the floor crying and had a panic attack so intense that I passed out. I began to self harm, only telling him because I wanted him to know how much I was hurting and I wanted his attention. I began to exaggerate my symptoms, telling him I was suicidal even when I wasn't, because I knew he would come and see me then. This sounds really selfish, but I just felt like things were only OK when he was with me. Afterwards I would have huge pangs of guilt for the way I'd behaved and what I put him through, I'd tell him to leave me and self harm at those times.
This summer, we moved in together, and for the few weeks we managed to be in the house together, things were at their most extreme. I was facing a lot of pressure at work too, and I think that mixed in with anxiety about the move just pushed things to a new level. I was angry with him, would tell him I was going to kill myself whilst he wasn't there and that it was too late to get back to me, only then to burst into tears and apologise for everything. After two weeks, he moved out asking me to get help.
I have, and was diagnosed with depression. I'm taking medication and attending counselling, but I feel that they don't really understand me. My symptoms are improving, and I've been much more open with my family about everything, so they are now my main source of support. I feel like I've ruined all chances of a relationship now. He says he needs time to consider things, and we are still talking, and I can't work out if that's better than cutting all ties or not at the moment. The thought of being alone totally is something I find terrifying.
Anyway, I know that you aren't qualified psychologists, but from the research I've done I'm not sure all my symptoms fit with a diagnosis of depression. I certainly do have trouble sleeping, hopelessness, weeping over silly thing, lack of interest in things, but I suppose I wanted to ask if how I am/have been feeling sounds familiar to any of you, and if so what has helped you.
